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Depression – Anxiety – Panic Attacks

Alone In A Crowd

Depression, Panic, Anxiety And BDSM

Feeling crap? Did the COVID thing leave you feeling lost, vulnerable and depressed? Has life lost its shine?
I’ve written about this before, probably a few times. This is a much longer version with little kink – just a few top view type references.
I have deliberately not re-read those older blog posts. This is about me now, how I have been functioning with my now-time perspectives. There may well be contradictions if you compare blog posts. As I feel right now, I am sure there should be.


This is hard, emotionally and intellectually, particularly now as I’m not feeling the greatest.

Admitting some things that are usually kept internalized is difficult. I do tend to go into denial and suffer in silence till it all gets too much just like it did in April and May. This is about my mental health journey this year. It has not been a great journey.

I’m writing this as partly an exercise to look within myself to more better know and understand – and also in the hope it may help others. If so, then that makes it all worthwhile. Some feedback would be appreciated.

On that, feedback, I do get some, maybe a few emails a month and that sustains me particularly in the dark days when life does lose its vibrancy and pleasure.

The Year 2022

I’d like to put the blame for my low moods on the pandemic and lock-downs and the changes to society we’ve seen in the previous two years. As I get older I fear change. It rocks my reality a bit as maybe I’m becoming less flexible. But the pandemic caused changes that were particularly trying. I noticed it gave people a sense of paranoia, distrust, and fear. The fear was awful. If you were out in the street, no one would come near you and any contact at all was shunned. That is not the kind of normal life I grew up with.

But I can’t blame the pandemic much as I want to. It was a factor, not the root cause.

I’ve always had a weakness for depression and I’ve had the very occasional panic and anxiety attack years before the pandemic. So the pleasure of having something external to blame is denied me.

I’ve always looked at blame as a negative trait, a negative experience. It tries to shift responsibility away from ones-self and gives power over myself to someone or something else. I am responsible for me, for my journey and that has always been a mantra.

I can understand the relief, the release, the pleasure and the raw desire of not having myself held responsible for problems or for how I feel. But that is wrong. I can’t in honesty try that route.

I’m sure the pandemic was a contributor though. It hit a nerve, a receptor in me, it was the thin edge of the wedge that pried up the lid of Pandora’s box of mental health issues.

I came into year 2022 reasonably happy and looking forward to a better year. I said to myself, “2020 and 2021 have been awful. 2022 cannot be worse,” and that was the starting point. I came into the year feeling positive.

I had the mental image, this idyllic image of 2022 being happy, a rebuilding year full of positives.

Over the following weeks as we came out of the slump from the pandemic and came to terms with the new face of society dealing with COVID I just didn’t bounce-back. The economy seemed to be nervous to say the least then that too started to lift, but the lift was short termed and meager.

Sometimes I hate the media. They love to make a prediction of recession and doom and gloom. They seem to almost gloat in it, and then I just have this feeling they promote it so much that it comes true. I could do without that.

But my spirits started to get better. I started to feel like it was all going to be good.

Then Ukraine happened late February and that was upsetting.

Then soon after that for some reason, and I know I have no right to feel poorly, my moods darkened. It became a spiral downward where the feelings of impending doom grew. I could feel a tremor in my chest at times that lasted maybe a half hour, a tremor of deep anxiety and panic. It wasn’t a heart attack, but it felt like all the worst cases of nerves I ever had condensed flood into me.

I could feel like I was almost vibrating. I felt that a panic attack was happening and it was threatening to take over.

If you said it was like adrenaline but in a bad way, you’d be right.

Of course with me being the cave-dweller that I am (and regrettably so) I did nothing about it. Ahh dear, you’d think I’d have learned by now. The symptoms started to pile up over the following months till diarrhea, stomach upset and being ‘nervy’ were all happening day in-day out.

My mental health was poor. I was struggling.

One thing I found particularly strong was the absence of “joy” – there was none. Life was filled with black and whites and grays, the color was missing. The things I’d done previously that gave me pleasure really didn’t call. I wanted to retreat, to somehow escape from the darkness filled with panic and anxiety.

Also there was a listlessness to me. I couldn’t finish tasks, I struggled to be productive.

Giving Up The Power

Looking back, I gave up power over myself. I let other factors dominate me, pull me back, to dominate and control me.

“Get a grip on yourself” is terrible advice as it is damn near impossible and totally misses how a person is able to deal with the issues internally, but it would have been the cure.

Mental health skews our perceptions, my perceptions. I see and experience everything through a filter that is unhealthy and not based on reality. My emotions sit on a wobbly foundation. What was normal becomes a problem, what is real is diminished and then unfounded fears loom up and assume significance.

The Dark tunnel – In my worst days

I once said that I felt like there was a huge dark tunnel in front of me.

Like the side of a mountain with a dark tunnel going into it.

I am standing stock still some distance away, totally still, my arms and legs not moving.

I can’t move. Yet I am being pulled toward this dark tunnel. And that is terrifying.

It is as if I just had to be there. My legs weren’t moving, the landscape is pulling me in like on a travelator.

I found that damn scary. The inevitability of it all, the lack of control, the powerlessness of it sucking me into oblivion.

Being An Observer – Not a participant

Another aspect to depression I felt was that I became divorced from first-person reality.

I looked in on myself. I felt like a spectator to my life, as if things around me weren’t all that real or all that important.

I could have happily walked away from my life and gone into a monastery if I had truly believed I would have left those feeling behind. Or if I had the opportunity.

Sometimes self harm has not been far away.

That ‘dark tunnel’ feeling I had was both first-person – I was experiencing it directly and it was terrifying. Yet strangely at the same time it was also third person – I was looking down on it as it happened to me. It was a duality of feeling.

Again. I had this duality of self happening. It it was not a good experience.

Professional Help – My Doctor

My doctor is absolutely the very best person, and the very first person I go to when it all gets to the point that my life strategies aren’t working.

Seriously.

If you feel it is all a bit of a problem – then my strongest advice is to go there quickly.

Talk Therapy

I was skeptical. I was quite wrong.

A few years ago I discovered how effective this is. I can understand why my doctor recommended it, and I can understand why it can be so effective for so many people.

Talking about my anxiety, panic and depression helped. I found a great psychologist who I bonded with and the experience was great.

The thing is, she saw my life from a different viewpoint, from a far better connection to reality. Me describing what was happening in my life, with the words coming out of my own mouth in responses to her questions were powerful. In answering, me myself and I affirmed that life was not that bad. But it took a while.

Below this and at the foundation, now that I think about it, she pushed my intellectual and analytic side to the surface. That took over from the poorly functioning emotional side and it saw life much more clearly. That was no small thing.

She has the ability to ask questions that make me reflect, analyze, think about what truly is happening around me and to challenge my emotionally compromised perceptions.

Her question, “What do you really have to feel panic about” was so correct and topical.

It was blindingly simple, so simple my mental state just could not cope with doing that by itself.

It was a bit stark too, I was feeling awful and I felt so challenged by the simple question. How could she not know? And my answers were telling and stupid. Then they got better. She pulled and pushed at me to get that mental shift I needed.

Her viewpoint of me having a loving and supporting wife and family, being professionally employed with good prospects and having a lifestyle that was not filled full of trauma really was enviable to her, and I suppose to so many others.

I truly am blessed with the relationships around me. I couldn’t see it.

What she did was to make me realize that the reality I had been feeling was false. This was a direct attack on the root cause of my depression and panic etc attacks.

Her questions and my answers stabbed a bright shaft of logic, of actual reality into the deep dark places that I’d been living in.

That was a good experience. I came out of each therapy session feeling positive and feeling that life really wasn’t so bad.

And that was late in 2019. How the years fly. I still remember my last visit and feeling pretty good about myself.

Then The Pandemic

It was a slow slinking stealthy kind of decline I felt, I suffered. There was no one thing, no one day that I can say “this was the day.”

We don’t go out a hell of a lot, we are an inward looking family but all of a sudden we couldn’t even go out to dinner or travel or go shopping – as most shops were shut and we had a distance limit on travel.

As the days of shock at lock-down turned into weeks then months then years it eroded me. It wore me down. I was weakened I think. My stable base became wafer thin.

Yes. That analogy I used of it being the thin edge of the wedge that found a weakness in me is true and correct.

It Is Like A Cancer

I was going to say a fire that smolders then flares up time and again, or similar. But cancer is such an ugly thing that it more truly reflects how depression, anxiety and panic attacks can hit and then fester.

As a wise person once said, “to fester is to rot” and wow is that correct – depression feeds on itself, generates other negative feelings and forms a positive feedback downward spiral loop.

I found that talk therapy was very good. I came away from each session feeling that a weight had been lifted, that I’d made progress.

And I went every week for 6 weeks.

Then the pandemic hit. I didn’t have any therapy for 2 years and change and that is when those few small cells of cancer-depression started to grow and grow.

Then in 2022 I had the full blown least-wanted symptoms again.

My lifer best practices were failing me. They sound so good, yet I still felt crap.

Where Does the BDSM Fit In?

Mental health for me is all about perceptions and the grip on reality I have. My life-perception-filter changes and gets distorted then my emotional and intellectual selves battle it out with the damaged emotional self winning. It pushes to the top dominating, then depression and the panic and anxiety attacks rule.

BDSM for me is such a big thing in my life. It is at the core of me. In its absence I know my moods go down and I really wouldn’t be surprised if that was a contributing factor to my depression. I find it grounds me, clears my mind and releases me from cares.

In May with my depression and anxiety and panic attacks so bad I was literally feeling quite sick, I booked a BDSM session with the Mistress I’ve been seeing. Then I had to cancel because I really was feeling so poorly.

Then after a week I was able to have that BDSM session.

The relief I felt was extraordinary.

The BDSM Relief

Summary : it floods the senses with a sensory overload, it takes my total attention and it takes me out of this world, it releases me totally. It is a total experience that can’t be denied.

People talk about endirphin rush and sub space and the ability to let go and be dominated. Sure. All of that. But in a way that no one aspect seems to be the answer. It is a total experience. It fills the senses totally.

BDSM for me is all about fantasy, fetish, and the physical sensations that happen in the session. It is a full experience, there is no one aspect of it. I find it all works together.

I find I need a very much ‘heavy’ corporal punishment and bondage type session to make these feelings work. The power of the session directly translates into the feelings of relief.

Being in belt bondage is for me a deep-escape and a profoundly psychological experience. I’ve given up control, I’m restrained, and I’m living my fetish for wide leather belts. I feel a comfort, a “coming home” type experience as I am in the bondage.

At the same time I am in a place, the dungeon, that is unique in the world. It is there that BDSM happens, that nothing else in the world intrudes into and that matters to me. I am a place where my fantasy and fetish are being catered for.

All that matters is in the dungeon. It sits heavily and pushes everything else out. The depression, the panic attack, the anxiety suddenly don’t matter. I am consumed in the dungeon by the experience.

Then I get corporal punishment.

Corporal Punishment As a Transport Not As A Punishment

Corporal adds a whole new depth to the BDSM, bondage and dungeon experience for me.

Some people (my wife in particular) have no idea why this works for me. To them (her) it is incomprehensible. Beyond stange. Truth; it is to me also! It goes against all my growing up principles and societal norms. Yet it works.

Strangely enough I don’t see it as being punished for something – I don’t feel the need to atone or seek some kind of forgiveness from the experience. It is called ‘Corporal Punishment’ but I don’t go there to be punished.

Context and sense of place is everything. I feel I regress in the dungeon when I’m in bondage. Then when Mistress uses a cane, a belt, a strap on me that just makes it far stronger. It is amazingly stronger. It pushes the world away. It is escapism. It is a stimulous of my body, nerves, pain receptors call it what you will, that floods into me.

In my last session I said to mistress, “I don’t see myself as a masochist,” and mistresses response, after giving me heavy corporal was, “you might like to rethink that,” as she is definitely of the opinion I am.

The classical definition of a masochist talks about sexual pleasure. I don’t get that at all. I don’t feel ‘excited’ – rather I find myself withdrawing into the experience, focusing and yet at the same time accepting the pain.

My wife knows about my sessions and I’ve told her there is zero sexual contact. I cannot masturbate or even accept a hand job etc. For me the corporal experience is so strong that the possibility of sexual release is just not there – there is not enough room in me after the BDSM to have a sexual experience.

The progression of the corporal in the session can flow in two ways.

For the session prior to last I asked for a cold prison strapping and then a cold caning. These are particularly challenging as there is no warm up. Warm up with a lighter less painful implement conditions the skin abs also the nerves and the recipient to accept more. It is sort of like easing into the experience. A cold session is nothing like that – it is straight into the most painful implements. It is full on and it pushes all the boundaries. I can promise you it was challenging to accept and yet I felt as if it worked really well. At the time I am struggling to accept it and wanting it to be over yet at the same time not wanting it to stop.

Yes, contradiction is my constant companion. I look forward to it, I struggle to accept it and to endure it, then I’m disappointed when it’s over.

In my last session I had a more conventional session (albeit with 2 apprentices as well as Mistress). Mistress started off with a strapping from a quite supple folded over belt applied firmly. It lifted me onto my toes on the very first stroke, the sting surprising me. She knows I need it applied firmly.

A hard belting to start off with is all about surface sting from this kind of implement, whereas the cane cuts so deeply and the prison strap is a mixture of both and equally as challenging as the cane.

My prison strap is a replica of what was actually used in prisons and one look is all it takes to know what it is designed for.

Sitting here now as I type this I can’t say with any great certainty which is better or worse for my special needs – as I call them. The cold caning and prison strapping is certainly challenging, but that is no great consideration. I think, now with more thought, the conventional session progressing from lighter to more painful implements is better as it leads to a longer session, more strapping and caning. With a cold caning the bottom is more liable to being cut as without the previous strapping it is not warmed up. I prefer the longer duration, the longer experience.

In the months leading up to a session I do indulge in self bondage. I find I can go without the corporal but the effect is much less. I have gone years on just some self-bondage and I find that very satisfying in its own way, but it really is limited. It is just not the same. It’s like watered down milk – the color is a little thin, the taste weak and it’s just not as satisfying.

My wife cannot understand this at all. She sees the absurdity of it, of someone wanting to be hurt or punished and that is all it is to her. Each time we talk about it I tell her that the pain is just one aspect. It can even be a small aspect.

I tell her about a cold caning versus a more conventional experience. These just blow her mnd that I would do that and willingly. And even now, I feel no great aversion to either. If I could only have one type I would not be overly fussed if it was either.

She cannot understand that the pain is a transport. It is a by-product as must as a mechanism in itself.

It sends me. As mistress uses a belt, a strap, the tawse or a cane on me it overwhelms all my senses. The pain is there, it flares up, I have to deal with it and it takes all my energy and all my inner self to deal with it. That is good.

That leaves nothing else for anything else. I am consumed. It consumes me.

We’re taught early in our lives to shun pain. Pain is bad we’re taught, it means something is not right. And I get it, it is the same for me and a cause for my contradictions in my inner self. Yet the pain of corporal punishment is necessary for me to be totally removed from this world and taken to where the depression and anxiety don’t exist.

That is another way to look at it. I’m totally removed from this world and taken to where the depression and anxiety don’t exist.

My pain senses are triggered, they flood and dominate. The crack of the strap, the splat of the tawse and the bite of a cane are impossible to ignore. They are overwhelming. I’m gone, out of the here and now.

I tell my wife, “you can’t think of anything else, or be anywhere else when Mistress is caning me,” and she really struggles to understand.

My fetish is being triggered by the bondage stopping me from movement, and the leather mistress applying the corporal, and my sense of place in the dungeon, a place that only brings relief is bringing it all home.

Trying To Build Resilience

There are three aspects to this from my perspective.

The first is to adopt life practices that reduce the chance of a relapse.

This is clearly, on review, and on review again a week later, the most important part of the process for me.

Nothing beats having life practices that prevent the kinds of issues I’ve had.

For me this is all about my mental attitude to life and the challenges it throws at me. I do tend to be a bit of a dreamer and that does bring the burden of looking at worst case scenarios that usually never happen.

Maybe this does play into my fetish and BDSM life as that is all about shifted realities and fantasy.

What practices am I talking about?

Professional help is never far away. I need to say this. I know they can help and will help, all it takes is me to make the phone call. That is a reassurance that is good to have. They are my lifeline and my fall back and my go to when everything else is just not cutting it.

Reject denial, be honest with myself. I am guilty of this and say to myself and others, “everything is fine” when it plainly is not when I’m almost quivering in stress. I’ve let it get to far and made it far more difficult to deal with. Getting in early by rejecting denial and being honest really is an important life practice.

Affirmations. I find these quite powerful. Saying the words and meaning them helps. For example, saying “I know that everything in the world is going well and I have no need for fear.”

The use of logic. Just sitting down and writing down all the positives in my life really helps. Then I make a list of the problems, the negatives, and all of a suddenly they look so small and meaningless in comparison. I find this to be somewhat weak – if I’m not feeling great then my mental processing power makes this option feel poor – even though it is valuable.

Physical exercise and fitness. This has a huge impact. First of all is sleep, getting a better sleep because I am bodily tired really helps. Then there is the rush of achieving something – be it as simple as puling some weeds, caring for some plants or doing housework that makes me feel better with myself. It does not have to be too much – but it must get me off my butt and actually do something.

Achievement. I gen an endorphin rush from achievement. Small things that I can do to get a “rush of success” and the feeling that I made or did something that was successful is something I really like. Small things that can be completed quickly and not linger are best.

Be gentle with myself. I need to understand that setbacks, that problems, that issues that arise constantly are just small and not consequential. I don’t need to beat myself up for this.

Have a healthy regard for time. Looking back on things, feeling upset at something years ago has always been an issue for me. This is negative and soul destroying. It brings the upset of reliving a hurt or a loss and wishing I’d done things differently or cursing sheer chance. And it is totally pointless. Living in the now, thinking about the best things to come and using logic and good sense to ease into the future are ‘best practices’.

My BDSM side does need to be fulfilled. I cannot deny it. Denial brings stress. I know I can go 3 months, 6 months, 12 months and more but I also know that I miss it more and more. It becomes a constant source of destabilization. Then when I do have a BDSM session, I feel such relief and always say that I need to make it more regular. And I should.

The second is to recognize the onset early, and to have and use the tools I need to deal with them.

I get lazy. I forget. I must bounce into my ‘best practices’ asap.

It is a monitoring function. It needs to be timely. It needs to happen and not allow me to head off into a full blown recurrence.

This is all about being mindful of my state of mental health.

I must combine this with the first practice above.

Part of this is the “maintenance aspect” – that I need to ensure that my life practices are working and then if I sense an issue, to take action.

The third is to be able to deal with an onset and prevent a full blown recurrence. I must not let it linger, to build and strengthen till it is debilitating.

This wraps up the previous 2 steps.

I hit a full blown recurrence with the big-guns.

Over the years there have been various “grades” of depression and related problems I’ve faced. At the worst I’ve had to go to my doctor and been put on medication which was not great but the alternative was worse. Then at times I’ve taken myself off to talk therapy and that has been good.

Professional help really is #1.

Then there are my BDSM sessions. They have given me a profound release when my moods have been so low. I’ve gone into them stressed, feeling nauseous and almost trembling, then when I leave I really am a new me. They seem to clear me, refresh my mental attitude in a way that is hard to describe.

But I will try.

“Imagine your best-ever holiday. Imagine how great it felt to be away from everything and to feel so good about it, so relaxed, so divorced from problems and stress. My BDSM sessions in such a short time fulfill that self same function. The experience is so strong, to engrossing, so powerful that I come away a whole new me.”

In Conclusion

Did you read this far? Did it make any sense to you? Did you get anything positive or any help from it? I truly hope so.
This has been an almost cathartic exercise for me. Documenting all this, writing it down puts things into perspective. Also being an introspective (and painfully so) type of person it helps to ground me.
Yes I am a cave-dweller kind of person living in denial given half the chance and that’s not healthy.
Accepting that is a good first step, then having life practices that help are the next step.
My best wishes – ‘Trikki
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Contradictions and Confessions in BDSM

Dominatrix

Even after having had so many BDSM pro-dom sessions since 2005 I still feel the contradictions within me. A war rages between the logical vanilla me and the kinky inner self that BDSM means so much to.

The end result is that I feel conflicted. I’m pulled inexorably like gravity toward BDSM while my logical self rebels.

Here are my thoughts and experiences on this.

Dom in Corset

The visual is so important, hitting hard at the fetish and the desires, making the mind wander. Fetish is all about the mind and our deepest secrets and passions.

In choosing a mistress the image is a powerful but very flawed motive. My experience is that the bio on the website is so much more important.

Rules for reading this : expect contradictions. That is where it’s at for me. I’ll be as plainly honest as possible.

Relationships are an issue. And at every level too. There I am in an office supervising a number of staff, and some time prior I’ve been stripped naked, in bondage, being strapped by a leather clad dominatrix with a very wide folded leather belt. It’s my own belt she’s worn then taken off and used on me, then put on again. All the time I’ve been ogling her, reveling in my wide belt fetish and the need for corporal punishment.

The contradictions in these times come to mind often. Imagine what my staff would think and say if they saw me in a session? And yes, I am precious about this.

Sure, these are vastly different times, vastly different in every way but I do feel that contradictory nature within my self in these situations.

My wife knows of my sessions. She doesn’t like it much but she knows I need it and am better for them. She knows there is no sexual contact and I’m not cheating on her. She knows I love her and she loves me. But I feel the tension, almost a disappointment in her voice when, yet she even suggests it at times, that I have a session when my need is obvious. Then when that time comes around again I keenly feel the conflict – the diversion from a normal-vanilla relationship that my sessions give me.

I do love her more for accepting my need, and I hate the thought of disappointing her for my strange (to her) needs.

Time changes everything. The longer I go without a session the more it feels normal and reasonable. I feel it pulling me in, my mind rationalizing how normal and fine it will be to be in the dungeon again stripped, strapped and caned.

Then when the session is over I’m floating. My brain is in a different space and I love it. Everything else is banished.

When I walk out of the dungeon I feel the relief and am at peace with the world. I really don’t feel the need for BDSM, it is so deeply slaked. The thought of another session does not appeal at all.

That lasts a while. Then after a few weeks my special needs start to return. What was once, after the session, something I really don’t need becomes more and more important.

I’ll admit to being ornery and cantankerous.

And that happens and gets worse because I need a session!

If my staff knew, they’d be sending me off with a note for misress to make it extra hard every few weeks when the grumps set in.

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The Contradictions Of BDSM

Upbringing of course has such a huge impact on our lives. We grow up with a set of values and perceptions as to how we should behave, yet we can have huge hidden inner needs conflict with that conditioning.

Thus It was for me.

The leather mistress with a whip leaves nothing to the imagination.

That is of course except for the role you will play. Will it be you she whips? And you want that?

This is where the contradiction comes in. Suddenly your needs overwhelm your upbringing. Suddenly you find relief and solace from your denied needs and suddenly you feel free.

Yet at the same time you look around you and feel such guilt or remorse, or an out of body feeling that you doubt your sanity.

How can you be in a BDSM dungeon with a leather clad dominatrix and have that fit within your upbringing? It goes against your logic and yet it is so vastly wanted.

I remember being in a bondage-spine also known as a fish bone harness. It is essentially a dozen wide lather straps that wrap the body tightly and totally immobilize. For the belt bondage fetishist it doesn’t get any better than this. I remember thinking how damn strange it was to be in this position, on the floor strapped up tight. Yet I loved it so much. And  I doubted my sanity. And I was disappointed when mistress un buckled all the straps.

This is the contradiction. Your needs are fighting with your logical self. You need it, you rebel against it. I do. Maybe this is where heavy corporal helps. It pushes all other thoughts out of my mind and pushes me firmly into that floaty and sub-spacey feeling I relish.

Walk into a BDSM dungeon. It is filled with promise as to what will happen. There is no ambiguity.

Yet later in the session, I can almost look down on myself and wonder how and why on earth I am doing this. It feels so strange.

At the same time I know I need it so much.

The BDSM Dungeon

The Multi Polar Life

I’ve spoken of this previously. I feel we all have and live with multiple personalities, all stacked up inside us that come out to take control under different circumstances.

For example, your work persona changes to something else when you get home. Your home persona changes when you go shopping, or are on holiday and of course at work. That is all reasonable and normal.

The many faces

The faces we present to the world change from day to day and from hour to hour.

I know I change dramatically in a BDSM session compared to my other personas – and that sounds totally normal.

Yet I feel the contradiction.

But when something that is important to us is denied, the denial seems to make it stronger. No matter how you try, it is always there, clamoring for attention and taking effort to suppress.

At the same time our logical self, our every day self that deals with people, friends and family battles with that inner special self crying out for its release.

The contradictions between our special needs and our upbringing and the logic that has ruled our formative lives causes tension and conflict within us.

Moving Forward

For me there were a number of ways that I was able to reduce the tension and conflict that came from the contradictions warring within me.

Without doubt, the best thing I did was to seek professional counseling. That put everything into perspective.

Acceptance of myself and my special needs came from counseling. That, and the simple words that were spoken to me gave me a new perspective on life. This was the first step.

Coming out to my wife was a life changing moment where we both came to know each other better. I was able to dispel the fears I had, and that she had, and then move forward in our lives.

Taking charge then slaking my needs with regular BDSM sessions was then possible. I was able to reduce the inner tensions and to live out my innermost needs.

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Coming Out To BDSM

One persons BDSM is another persons porn or filth or depravity, and quite often a secret delight. You name it. The issue with coming out to BDSM is to define what BDSM means to you – and then of course dealing with the consequences of a revelation to a significant other. It is not easy!

bdsm

Before You do - ask these questions

For me, coming out took decades and only happened at a time of great personal stress. Sure, it worked for me but it is not something I would recommend without answering some basic questions.

Why are you doing it now? Why not yesterday, or last week, or next week?

Why are you doing it at all? Write the reasons down. Do they make sense?

How will it change the people you tell? Are they open minded, will this come way out of the left field for them and challenge their perceptions of you? Will you be the only kinkster in your group, then what assumptions will that provoke?

What are you going to get out of it? Yes, you must be selfish and admit to yourself just what pluses there are in this for you.

Coming Out Has Its Perils - Expect Confusion

First of all, I do not recommend you come out to a significant other, to friends and colleagues you are into BDSM – unless you are absolutely sure of the outcome. That is totally and absolutely your choice and your concern and your responsibility.

Remember – what is once said can’t be un-said and can’t be un heard.

Then when you do say that you have “this thing I like which is a bit kinky,” that leads to further discussions. Expect to be questioned more and more. If someone cares for you, that is only natural.

The confusion comes when someone who has previously seen you as “normal” suddenly finds you have this kink that seems so illogical to them. Trying to explain what it is that you get out of it can be near to impossible.

Trying to define to someone else just what it is that BDSM is for you can be challenging. Oft times images are far stronger or better than words.

Tawse Over Shulder

HOLD OUT YOUR HANDS – she says. Then I do for the tawse to do its work. This is an image that tells so much and also can be truly scary to someone not into the BDSM thing.

“You really get that?” I got asked, and then “but why?” and then the reasons that are invented are amusing. “Was it something in a previous life?” and “is it that you’re gay?” and “were you abused as a child?”

Trying to explain that my kink is just something in me, something innate, something necessary that calls to me just wasn’t enough for a very long time.

Disclosure As A Necessity

I can only write from personal experience, and from the depth of my own upbringing in kink-unfriendly times.

Disclosure became a necessity for me. Denial for more than 3 decades really did build an awful tension.

In a time or marital trauma I disclosed to my wife. I had to. She could see I was emotionally struggling and that the end of the marriage was a distinct possibility. She thought the fault was hers or that the marriage wasn’t working.

In some ways she was right. It wasn’t working because I had this need and was repressing it and keeping it a secret. It was the marriage because I felt trapped and could not indulge in my needs.

But it was me. I had not had the strength or honesty to disclose and in the absence of information, she was also a pressure cooker of emotions and fears. All this was spiraling out of control.

Disclosing was immensely difficult. It took hours and hours to explain that I had this need. That I needed it. That it was part of me and not as a consequence of her behavior or some age old trauma etc.

Extremely important was also to point out that my special needs did not take away from my love for her and the family or make me a bad person. I was and will be the same old me, just with a few extra kinks I’ve admitted to that have always been there.

Her fear of change and a sense of loss was very real. Working through that was necessary, with lots of reassurances.

Time helped immensely. We worked on the issue, talked it over. Sex outside the marriage was huge thing and a marriage breaker for her if this was included in me seeing BDSM mistresses. For me that was not an issue as sex is not part of my sessions.

Over The Years

The huge benefit of coming out to my wife is that she understand me far better. Should that not be the case in a marriage?

The whole cheating thing is all dependant on how you define it.

When my moods are low or ‘needy’ she knows I need to have a session and usually fairly soon.

While I feel guilt in doing it,  it is vastly easier for her knowing.

She also runs interference for me telling family and contacts a cover story.

So, yes, disclosuure has made it hugely easy.

BDSM And Cheating

This was a sticking point for my wife. If I wanted sex with mistresses she and I would have struggled to stay together.

It is cheating because even without sex in BDSM sessions I am doing something so personal to me while naked, with another woman. It is something so deeply personal-intimate which should only be with a partner in my old-school upbringing view.

It is not cheating because there is no sexual element, no intimacy, no erotic touching etc. The mistress is doing something my wife can’t get involved with and the mistress is relieving a tension that helps in the marriage. Plus my wife knows about it, I am honest, I am not keeping secrets – and honesty and keeping secrets are the first step in cheating.

I like to think there are similarities when when I see a female doctor, or a female nurse or psychologist. I can tell them intimate things, or get medically examined, I am also not cheating.

You need to be the judge of all that.

Few if any mistresses I’ve seen would have permitted sex. Sure, hand relief is available and they are I presume happy with that. I’ve been offered it maybe 3 times in 16 years but I’ve always said I couldn’t look my wife in the eyes if I did that. Even that felt wrong.

In my first ever session I really felt that I was cheating. Taking off my clothes and allowing her to interact with me (meaning to give me corporal) with me naked felt vastly wrong. It felt like I was cheating, yet there was zero intimacy of any kind.

Over the years this has relented. I can be naked chatting to the mistress after the session and there is still no intimacy. It is just part of the session and not a danger to the marriage.

Where To For You?

May I suggest you think it through, take your time, evaluate benefits and consequences. Be sure of yourself.

I am a huge fan of writing things down, making lists, weighing up decisions.

Then with important things, wait a few days and re-evaluate. Look at it with a fresh mind.

What is once said, can’t be un-said. Are you comfortable with this.

The number one priority is “you” – how are you going to feel, feel better, be happier?

Doing something like this in haste just feels vastly wrong.

Either way, I hope it goes well for you. Life is a journey we should take pleasure from, be a peace with and happy free, to be free to live and love as suits us.

‘Trikki

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Mental Health And BDSM – My Story

Sometimes Life Loses Its colour

I know at times how difficult it is to be happy when life seems to be sucking all the pleasure out of my life. I feel isolated, depressed, and at times even worse.

Some times of the year are worse than others, too. Sometimes when we are meant to be happy, joyous, festive, the mood really struggles to lift.

Mental Health

Having that huge inner secret really can make like difficult. It did for me for years.

This is part of my story, how BDSM has become an accepted part of my life.

BDSM Really Is Central To Me

It is clear to me that my mental health and BDSM are closely related. I know that the denial decades, the time when I denied that I had these needs, were difficult. I know those decades were marked by mood swings and feelings of inadequacy and depression.

When I sought counseling then had my greatest fears put to rest by more than one psychologist it lifted a burden from me. Then I was able to have my first ever BDSM experience with a professional mistress, a dominatrix.

I can still remember how I felt after that first session. It was like a weight had been lifted, like I was a new person, like I had been reborn and rebuilt.

To be told by medical practitioners, “No your BDSM side does not make you a bad person or take away from who you are,” was one of the most profound moments in my life.

Where It All Started

In my very early teens I discovered self-bondage and the joy of having a belt fetish. Since this was in a time before the internet, and half a century before the 50 shades phenomenon, knowledge and acceptance of this kind of activity was pretty much nil.

From my upbringing, I was totally unable to admit this need to anyone and it became my secret pleasure for decades, but also a source of instability.

In fact, I’d (of course) known absolutely nothing about what I was doing and enjoying, I just knew it called to me and I felt better for it. It was a spontaneous pleasure that surfaced from an inner need.

The key take away is that I did it spontaneously.

Where’s The Benefit

Without going into detail, but over the years my needs changed slightly and grew.

I found that after indulging in my secret pleasure that I was happier for a time afterward. It seemed to relax, to release, to free my innermost self in some way that nothing else could.

Sex, vanilla sex outside of BDSM was great which I enjoyed and still enjoy immensely. My BDSM needs don’t take away from that but I’ve never mixed them together. For me they are separate but I am sure that for others this is not the case. We’re all different and while I sometimes I wish I could mix the two together it is not a strong or great wish.

I could talk about the mechanisms, the things that are done, the equipment, the fetish, the pain and the erotic or sub-space nature of the BDSM session but that is a topic for another post. It is also different for different people as I am sure my needs are different from others.

What matters to me and what makes my sessions work probably won’t be the same for many others, and vice versa.

The direction the benefit comes from, the means to that benefit comes from a number of sources or reasons.

First of all, being tied up, in bondage, seems to affect me deeply. I feel a release from stress and a giving up of responsibility.

I love that feeling, both physically and mentally as belts wrap and restrain me.

Sub-space is a real thing for me. All the aspects of the BDSM session work with this to push me deeper and deeper into a far more relaxed state sometimes called ‘sub-space’ where the every-day-me is gone and a new me emerges. It is a me that has regressed to become almost elemental in its regression and freedom from this world.

Sub-space is a little like deep meditation. It is a time when the usual day to day “me” is gone and replaced by a totally placid, passive, un-thinking and un-caring me who just responds in the session and floats along with it.

I once told my wife that it’s impossible to thinking of much else when you’re tied up getting a strapping from a leather clad dominatrix. And it’s true. The whole experience, and because it’s so deep within me, pushes me into a totally different space. Nothing else in the world exists.

Fetish and indulgence are factors. Being able to indulge in fetish, to let that inner need out and to have acceptance and participation from someone else is a huge thing.

Just being able to indulge in something that means so much to me means a lot.

Also the humiliation of being in bondage, of being given corporal punishment while in bondage and to feel that embarrassment is all part of it. It challenges my societal norms, yet I do it, yet it challenges and the contradictions take a toll on me.

It all helps push me into sub-space, to change me.

For the vanilla readers – the nearest I can give you as an example;

Imagine you have had a terrible month, the most stressful you can imagine. Then you set out to go on holiday and the traffic is terrible, everything conspires to make your life difficult. The car has trouble, there is road work, you get a speeding ticket – the list goes on. Then you get to your destination feeling tired and washed out and stressed, you throw your bags in the hotel room and walk down to the beach. Suddenly the trauma in your brain stops, your mood changes and expands expands into the surroundings, all the weight is lifted and stresses are forgotten and you feel good. You are on holiday. You walk bare footed in the surf and listen to the crashing waves as it consumes you.

Well, that’s how I feel at the start of a BDSM session, then it just gets better.

Perhaps it is in the giving up of the self, giving the power over myself to another (oft called power exchange), removing all my cares and responsibilities that has such a profound effect on me.

“Power exchange” to me is a clinical term in my opinion. It is used to describe the process of the BDSM session where the mistress dominates the slave for a time. For me, I have never thought that. The BDSM session is my coming out time, when I live my inner fantasy. I;m free to indulge even if only for a short time.

As Time Went On

Back onto the time line, after my teenage years I remained in denial for three decades and change before I eventually “broke” then saw a therapist who reassured me that in these much more enlightened times, my needs did not make me bad person.

After my first BDSM session I found a peace and acceptance and a release from inner tensions that had been growing for decades. It was a particularly cathartic time and a time of self discovery. While I didn’t cry from the release, I could absolutely understand it if others did.

Trying to Keep An Even Balance – Secrets Can Be Destructive

I married then had children with a wonderful woman who to this day I still enjoy a deeply loving relationship with and would in no way want or consider to change.

One of the most difficult things in my life was coming out to her about my BDSM needs, and then trying to help her understand that it is just a part of me that in no way invalidates my love for her. Now, nearly two decades later she is accepting and even sends me off for a BDSM session when it is clear I need one again.

Keeping that even balance can be difficult. In busy times, times of stress I handle all that very well on a day to day basis. But it is wearing. After a time, weeks or even a few months and more I find my thoughts are turning toward that inner place that calls me. When I try to repress it, it builds an inner tension that destabilized me.

It does sound a little like a split personality as I re-read that. And it is. There is the logical every day “vanilla” me and then the kinky-me needing release.

There is no doubt it is an inner place, something that is a part of me. It is not habit that brings it, it is not the trauma of life itself or something forced on me.

It is everything. It is my self-consciousness understanding that I need it to make me whole again. Like eating when I’m hungry. Like showering when I feel dirty or greasy.

Going Forward

In the years I have left on this earth I somehow doubt I will change much in my needs. Speaking with mistresses the message is the same, age is not a great factor in needs for BDSM.

I know my health and in particular my mental health are dependent on my acceptance of my needs and occasionally having them met.

However the intensity I enjoy may change as that may be natural. We all change. Also I find myself drawn to one part of my need more than others, but that would seem to also be the nature of the whole spectrum of BDSM and life in general.

BDSM can change as required, it is broad and deep in what is available.

Are You Struggling?

I did for years and wouldn’t wish that on anyone. My issues were upbringing related and long lasting, decades.

My solution and one which I hope helps others was to seek professional counseling. That helped immensely by letting me come to terms with my needs and de-stigmatize them.

Above all else, it helped to de-stimatize the whole BDSM thing.

‘Trikki

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Dating And BDSM Needs

Christmas time can be a time of feeling lonely, feeling lost and neglected. The solution is often seen as dating, finding that someone nice to be with and even if only for a short term.

Adding BDSM needs into the mix adds a significant complication. Looking back on my life and with the bias from an upbringing in decidedly non-enlightened times, what advice would I give myself on dating today?

Life is very different now providing so many options.

Dating

It all comes back to what you want in dating.

Sex? A short term or long term relationship? A life partner?

You Need To Define What You Want

A great self help book I read said that you can’t hit a target unless you can see it. What simple and obviously good advice that is.

So it is with relationships. What are you after and what BDSM type interaction and or disclosure are you wanting?

Now I realize there are many dating Apps out there and more than a few cater for the BDSM and other communities. Well done them!

But not all relationships happen through an App – and even when one does, how do you deal with disclosure?  What do you do if you see that someone special on a non-kink friendly site? Do you disclose? When? How? Why? What are the consequences?

When - and Should - you Disclose?

If you’re looking for a hard and fast recipe – forget it.

No two people and situations will be the same. Sorry to state the bleeding obvious and you probably know that anyway.

If you are on a first date with someone from work and you disclose and it ends badly – well that is just a recipe for your private needs to spread where you probably don’t want.

If you are not sure about the person and quite frankly suspect they are not kink-friendly then hey, it might be a great idea to ease into the conversation about it. If it scares them off then that is almost a win-win. No harm no foul. You can still maybe be friends but acknowledge a relationship breaker. I’d much rayther have the pain of a breakup earl rather than later.

Honesty matters to me. Being dishonest with someone when emotions are involved really is not nice and I wouldn’t want it to happen to me. This needs to be balanced with ‘the right time’ in disclosure.

A difficult situation is where you date someone and after a few dates and maybe after some intimacy you open up. You are into them, thery are into you… so what could go wrong?

The answer is you must look at the situation. How is that person going to deal with it – can you assure them that the BDSM side is complimentary and not an overwhelming thing (supposing it is that way for you) and that hey, they can maybe enjoy it also.

Of course it all depends on if you want the relationship to endure and the person.

My Own Experience

I re-entered the dating scene after a relationship problem. I swore to myself I would never date someone without disclosing my special BDSM needs.

The results were surprisingly positive.

I was looking for a relationship, long term and those where the people I was seeking. I don’t know if that coloured the experience.

I found 100% support from my dates. Their focus was to find someone loving, caring, supporting and most of all someone who they felt comfortable happy and secure around. My BDSM side was seen as something maybe a little odd, maybe strange, maybe out there, but for them it was peripheral to the whole package.

I never disclosed on a first date. I wanted to find out just what the person was like first. Some I never saw again because they just were not right for me.

Personality was more important. Being able to talk, communicate with, have some fun and shared interests and just be compatible vastly overwhelmed the BDSM side. That surprised me. Yet again my upbringing let me down.

One date resulted in intimacy very quickly before I could disclose, then burned out naturally. BDSM wasn’t mentioned.

Another date burned out naturally prior to intimacy, then we both found out we had shared BDSM interests, but the spark wasn’t there. That was kind of annoying but no big deal.

Some of the experiences were sad also. One person said an ex-partner used to beat them so badly that they’d get blood on the shirt that  couldn’t hidden from a daughter. That hiding the blood was the main concern was horrifying – that it was put up with it was truly sad and even worse. Their needs were to find love and a partner. My BDSM just didn’t rate and the trauma of disclosure was all in my head. Yet again.

Another person was genuinely lonely and struggling with life alone. For them the BDSM was exotic, odd, strange, but again nowhere near as important as all the normal relationship things.

The key takeaway I found was that if there is that spark of attraction, that feeling that there may be some hope of a relationship, the BDSM thing just wasn’t the deal breaker I thought.

How Is That First Date Going?

If it is going well but you’re not sure?

If you meet then have a first date with someone and the date is going well, what are the consequences of disclosing your particular BDSM needs? Any why hurry it?

If the other person is horrified or supportive and interested then those are simple consequences and you can terminate or move forward from there. No big deal, one date and you know where you are headed.

Frankly – if they are horrified and the date ends abruptly then it means you may have done it badly, and also most likely that person is not for you. If you didn’t disclose you’ll end up in denial and that is not great.

Also likely is that the person you are talking with won’t have much of an idea about BDSM and also likely is that you’ll not define it all that well in the stress of the moment. From there misunderstanding will rule and the outcome is probably far from what you want.

My suggestion? I’d wait for another date or two. Why hurry? Is there that spark of attraction? Has the relationship got legs, will it progress? If the answer is yes then you will know the person better, be in a better position to disclose and hopefully get a more positive response.

Of Course There Is More To this

I’ve focused on the BDSM side of dating – and that from my experience was only a small part of the equation.

Clearly other aspects were more imnportant.

Again my advice (and I can’t help myself) is to not get hung up on the BDSM side.

The real questions become if there is that spark of attraction and what are the things that each person brings into and wants out of the relationship both positive and negative.

I truly wish you well.

‘Trikki

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BDSM and Stability

BDSM and Stability Comes At A Cost

This is a blog post for those feeling conflicted with their inner BDSM self and the way they move through life and society in general.

A year or more ago I saw an article on the internet that said people into BDSM overall enjoyed better mental health than for “vanilla” people.

I didn’t give it that much attention at the time but on reflection I have one issue with it.

For that study to have achieved the stated result, people must have admitted to their needs – and hence have the stability and strength to admit to their BDSM leanings. That by its nature would imply a level of mental health all of itself (and something that took me decades to achieve, maybe only partially).

That kind of stability and mental health comes at a cost and with a great deal of effort.

Mental Health

I’ve often thought I present one face to the world in my vanilla life, then another when the inner BDSM gets to come out to play.

This inner duality comes at a cost, the cost of stability and then stress.

We are all Multi-Polar

I think we are – we have multiple personalities all stacked up inside us that come out to take a role as the situation demands.

At work we can be one type of person, then at home another as we interact with loved ones, and then another person in other situations. The most alpha-trait person at work will be very different in a hospital gown awaiting treatment, then different again at home or on holiday. The situation changes the person.

So it is for me. My normal-vanilla self takes the major role for most of my day at work. I supervise staff, answer phone calls and am somewhat dominant in the work place to make it all run well for the company.

Then I get home after fighting through traffic to play with the dog and be the loving partner and carer for our children. At home I share few similarities with the persona at work, that would not be a great combination.

Then all change.

When I get into a BDSM session something vastly different surfaces. All my normal vanilla-self persona traits disappear and I take on a different role, a vastly different persona. My staff at work would be shocked to see.

Life Is Like a Theatre

It is. We live and act out our various roles throughout our lives. We change from being a child, then grow to adolescence and adult with various phases in between – we truly do change.

The many faces

We can be happy on the outside yet crying inside; how many times have you done this? When someone asks you how you are, you smile and say ‘great thanks’ yet inside you feel like you are melting, or hurting, or just wishing the world would open up and take you. Or you wish you were in a BDSM session.

Finding Mental Health

This is where it gets hard. It is something to work for as it just isn’t given away for free. At least not for me.

I can only realistically talk about what my path has been and how I have become more at ease with my inner needs.

But how does this relate to you? We’re all different. Do you actually need advice or are you happy the way you are?

All I can do is present some options from my own experiences.

My subconscious is my compass needle. It is. I know with some kind of deep almost tremble that I need to do something with BDSM and that its absence is becoming meaningful.

Recognizing that tremble, that silent quiver, has become easier over the years. I know the signs and I know the cost of not doing something about it can become significant.

Define the source of conflict – you can’t deal with an issue unless you know what it is. For me it was denial of my inner needs and my baked-in upbringing saying those needs were perverted and worse.

That upbringing and my perceptions caused stress.

My number 1 tip – is see a trained psychologist and talk through your stresses. This will if you are anything like me, put a totally different perspective on everything.

That was so helpful to me that it probably saved my life. At a time when I thought my life was imploding and my inner self was conflicted and battling with my secret needs, this saved me at multiple levels.

Seek Self Love – this sounds corny but it is true. It comes as a result of fundamentally knowing that your secret BDSM needs do not make you a bad person.

You will still be the same old person but in slaking that inner need, you will be more at peace and maye even a better person.

Removing that inner tension and gaining stability allows and then gives clarity. It is much easier to see the beautiful things in life and around you.  And being corny again, being at peace and ease makes it easier to give love.

Reject denial – it is toxic as denial just lets a problem linger, fester, rot inside you. None of those things help.

One tip from my own experience – I get ‘acid tummy’ when I deny my needs. That is a sure sign for me.

Where possible, involve a significant other – and for me that was a HUGE hurdle.

I do not recommend it wholeheartedly for everyone as quite frankly it can be challenging for a partner to accept. I feel it could easily be a relationship breaker.

The thing is, if you don’t, are you living a lie? Are you being honest with them? That in itself creates stress particularly if you love the other person.

For me, I decided that I must either break the relationship or come out to my needs and grow from there. Living as I had been was not an  option and not being true to either of us.

My partner then found I was just the same loving person as before and maybe even more so as I was and still am so grateful for the acceptance. Maybe it also explained me a little better. Understanding is never a bad thing to have.

Coming out to a group of friends or work colleagues is a different thing. I’ve not done that and can’t advise. I can see the advantages – and the disadvantages.

Sex and BDSM needs to be understood in the context of the relationship if you are coming out to BDSM.

For me that was easy. I don’t mix the two so it was far easier for my partner to accept that. My partner didn’t want to be involved in my BDSM at all so that again meant I kept having pro-domme sessions elsewhere and the no-sex rule for me works well.

For you? Was this any benefit? I hope so. All I can do is write as if I were giving my three+ decade-ago self some  options and advice.

Do you have a story you would like to share? I am always happy to hear from readers.

‘Trikki

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Mental Health and BDSM

Mental Health - BDSM - Coping Strateges

All my life, this has been a serious issue for me. The tag line for this website “silent quivers, secret passions” should give a hint to this.

Mental Health

I have been struggling with my mental health in 2021 – and now that the end of the year is near I decided to do a series of post on this topic.

Yes, for me, depression is never far away. Sometimes I think I’m a high-functioning-depressive in that I try my best to ignore it, to wish it away, but in the end I know it is a losing battle.

I know when my mental health is declining, I start projects then stop them just short of finishing. I then end up with myriad really annoying things ‘that just need a little time’ to finish. But my mental state prevents me, and that annoys me and pushes my mental state downward in a spiral.

For that reason I’ll also give my coping strategies and of course, BDSM is at the heart of it all.

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Being At Home In The Dungeon

Have you Ever Been in a BDSM Dungeon?

When you walk into a BDSM dungeon, there is no doubt where you are and what this space is meant for.

BDSM Dungeon

You look at the bench with its straps designed to hold the victiom down. Then you see all the gear on the walls; the collars, the gags, hoods, whips, straps and canes waiting to be used. Then you look at and wonder about all the other more exotic things that are waiting for you.

You will be the victim. How do you feel?

My First Time

Many years ago, the first time I walked into a BDSM dungeon I felt like I’d come home and all my stresses, cares and worries had evaporated.

It was most peculiar as it seemed to go against any kind of logic. There I was a total newbie in a room with whips, canes, chains, a St Andrews Cross and of course a dominatrix wanting to know what my kink was and how I found her contact details. I was in my first ever BDSM dungeon and I was there for corporal punishment and bondage.

Yes it felt strange to me, and yes I felt like I had come home to where I really wanted to be,

As the years passed I have been to 10 different BDSM dungeons and the same feelings happen every time. Each time I feel a weight lifted when I walk into the dungeon. I know I will be given heavy corporal punishment and I relish my time in the dungeon. I still feel like I have come home and I belong there.

My Needs Exceed Logical Thought

Logic for me says I should not be there. Why on earth would I want to submit myself to the kind of experience that the BDSM dungeon promises? Why would I want to be strapped, tawsed, belted and caned till I bleed?

Logic says that makes no sense.

People call this masochism, the desire to be hurt yet I don’t feel that fits at all well. The experience changes me, moves me into a different space and fundamentally affects me at some deep level. Maybe then that is a better definition of masochism?

The answer is simple. Deep inside me there is a need for this. It festers and grows till I give in then find myself in the dungeon once more. Then I feel better.

The Simple Answer Is Too Simple

Again. The super simple answer is that I’m a masochist and get off on the pain. I am welcoming the coming pain.

I really struggle to accept that as the answer. However if it makes you happy, done, that’s the answer.

For me the BDSM dungeon and bondage and corporal experience is all about fetish, slaking an inner need (that masochsm I guess) and the need to submit and experience something so profoundly cathartic.

The Real Answer

The real answer as to why I have that coming home feeling is, after a lot of thought and false leads is equally simple.

When I go into the dungeon, I am accepting my needs and doing something positive about it.

The fact of the corporal punishment and the bondage make absolutely no difference, and the lack of logic in it is a total false feeling. It is my logical self querying my inner need and not properly accepting my need.

I think now, looking back, that my first ever BDSM session in a dungeon was a life changing event. It was a time when I understood that the inner need could be slaked, and that it was something I could do and feel relief from. I still do.

I still relish that time in the dungeon.

I still feel like I’ve come home.

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Dealing With Corporal Punishment

Corporal Punishment In BDSM Sessions

To be tied up and beaten by a dominatrix is one of life’s more out-there experiences.

Probably more than anything else, corporal punishment is the least understood by those not into BDSM.

The association of corporal punishment with pain is so strong, and the desire to not have pain is ingrained so deeply that people struggle to get past it.

Corporal punishment and pain are one dimension of the dynamic. They are an aspect but not the totality.

People say ‘but doesn’t it hurt? Why do you want to be hit or whipped? What do you get out ot it? I can’t understand it.‘

In answer, yes it hurts but I deal with it. It helps transport me, shift me into another reality, gives me a relief like nothing else. I get such vast relief, relaxation, peace, happiness from heavy corporal punishment.

I struggle to understand it at times also, but it is part of me. I need it. It just is.

What are we talking about here?

We are talking about hitting, striking, physcially using an implement on another person to cause them pain.

The words say it all to those not into BDSM. It is physical punishment. For them it stops there, for people like myself it is merely the first step.

As in all BDSM it is, and must happen between consenting adults. Limits, techniques and safety issues should be discussed before corporal punishment is engaged in.

For my sessions, this happens in a pre-session discussion with a professional mistress, a dominatrix, that takes a few minutes. It is the reason I use a professional  dominatrix as there are significant safety issues.

The implements that can be used also give their names to the type of punishment.

For example, a belt is used for a belting, a cane for a caning, a strap for a strapping. Simple enough.

Light, medium and heavy are often used to describe intensity. They mean pretty much what they sound like.

To expand a little, light corporal might redden an area for a short while and rarely leave marks. Alternatively heavy corporal would be expected to leave a mark, a welt and a bruise that goes from purple to black then yellow, for maybe a few days to over a week.

The types of implements change the experience significantly. In general, the more narrow the implement, the more it stings, leaves a longer lasting welt and feels more like it is cutting, burning. An example is the cane and some tawse.

A broader implement like a two inch belt will feel more ‘slappy’ and less deep-cutting.

The thickness of the implement also changes the effect. A two inch wide thinner belt will have more sting while a thicker belt of the same width (but thicker) will feel to have a lot more ‘thud.’

How Is It Done in a BDSM Session?

The short answer is that corporal punishment is given by consenting parties in a way that suits them. There is a discussion about what is going to happen, then it happens.

A sex spanking is similar in concept. Someone says they would like a spanking before sex then it is given and the sex benefits.

For corporal punishment in a dungeon, there are plenty of options. My own experiences are for Mistress to use implements on me when I’m standing lifted up by a winch. Or I might be bent over or laying on top of a punishment bench tied down to it.

A caning can be given when bent over in a classic school pose, or kneeling on a bench, or restrained over a whipping horse.

Almost unique in corporal punishment scenarios is hand strapping and tawsing. The Mistress stands in front then uses a leather strap or tawse to beat the palms of the slave. It is challenging in having to face the punisher, to watch the strap be raised prior to it lashing down and so to control the need to move the hand away. There is also an element of embarrassment to it. As you face the mistress, you show the effect, you show the pain and then the fear when the next stroke is about to be delivered.

Pain Play -vs- Corporal Punishment

Sometimes calling it “corporal Punishment” just feels so wrong. And yet that is what it is.

To any casual observer watching a BDSM Corporal session it could be nothing else. To the participants it can be just about the level of pain that is being delivered and the desired effect.

In fact, so say “punishment” makes me question if I feel the need to be punished for someting? Do I need to atone? Have I been bad in some way that merits heavy corporal?

The answer to all the above is no. I really don’t feel the need for punishment. There are so many other factors at play.

I remember being asked by a mistress something like, “Was the amount of pain about right?” which at the time seemed strange but she was perceptive. It was all about being transported, and for me the pain was the means.

So, Why is it done in a BDSM Session?

There is only one reason for receiving corporal punishment; it is needed.

It may not be wanted, but it may be something that is so deeply needed that it is inescapable even though it may feel illogical and strange.

Caveat; these notes are from my experiences, and also from my limited research. Rudely I will say that I am focused on me and while I’m mildly interested in other peoples experience I don’t pursue them greatly.

These notes will probably be incomplete and you may want to argue. Great. I can’t claim to have all the knowledge. Use the contact form if you want to discuss.

So, why would you put yourself through what can only be described as a punishment – because that is what it’s called?

There are many reasons – and don’t expect there to be just one that may apply to you. Or to me. We are allowed to have more than one reason, surely.

It is needed. This feels like a catch-all and a bit of a cop-out but I feel this within myself. I just need it. I can’t pin it down precisely, I can make all sorts of excuses and suggestions -but- at the end of the day, I need it. Simple.

The role play – the private theater. It draws me in, I love it, the visual of it all and yet it perplexes me. I’m called. I can’t resist. There are contradictions in this but my need for it trumps all.

This is strong for me. The leather clad dominatrix makes me hold my hand out then gives me a strapping. She tells me how I deserve a belting and then a caning for misbehaving. This gets into my mind and regresses me.

So that speaks to a mental out of body experience, an easape from the real world and into a place where my fetish and kinks rule.

Relinquish control. This is also a super strong incentive and something I do feel. To give control to someone else, to do as you are told releases you from having to be in charge. It gives you a rest, a respite from being responsible. If you have a high power job and under constant stress, not able to get relief from that stress, giving control to another is a huge thing. If at the same time you are punished, that drags you away from reality even more and fills you full of the peace from submission.

In some ways, this is just like a holiday. On holiday you are not responsible for anything or anyone – other than have a good time. Being dragged away from reality by heavy corporal punishment can feel just the same to me

A means to escape. This is a lot like the previous, Relinquish Control.

The pain from the punishment can be so strong that nothing else exists. You cannot be thinking about anything else, anyone else, anywhere else. It is all consuming. As the punishment proceeds you are transported out of this world, your old worries and cares left behind.

I have said ‘you can’t think of anything else when you are getting a hard caning’ and it is absolutely true.

And as for hand tawsing, that really focuses the mind as you watch Mistress raise the tawse over a shoulder then bring it down to make the palm and fingers explode in sting. To absorb that pain, to takle it in, to watch the Mistress really is a form of escape for me.

Eroticism & fetish. There is a strong element of this in my sessions. I adore the Mistress to be in fetish as she delivers heavy corporal. The whole thing seems to work so well together.

A spanking brings heat to the butt and it can absolutely excite. This is a common pre sex passtime. The warmth in the butt gets in, deeply, and becomes erotic. Also, to be bent over someone’s knees as they heat your butt, to know they care enough to spank you and then know there is sex to follow is delicious.

Re-connecting, reliving a previous experience. This is possibly common. Mistresses have told me of clients who visit to re-live their time of receiving corporal punishment at school or in other settings. They find it takes them back in time, brings them a form of security and relief from the here and now.

Just for the pain. For me the pain is a small thing. It is the transport, the means to be sent into another mind space. To focus on the pain is wrong for me.

I can however absolutely understand if pain is your thing – as corporal punishment can certainly deliver that.

There is of course the contradiction here for the person not into the whole scene. For them it is all about pain. For me it is just one aspect.

To focus the mind. This is a sort of a repeat. When under corporal punishment there is nothing else, no where else in your mind. You wait, you watch, you see the punishment being delivered then the shock of it makes you focus on the moment.

Nothing else matters. You are there and there only, your mind is empty of everything but the moment. That focuses the mind admirably well.

A need to atone. I don’t feel this myself – but I can well understand. I have heard of cases where it happend. There can be an internal dialog happening ‘I shouldn’t have done that, I need to be punished.’

If this becomes strong, it can be a sticking point in letting go of something. The pain, the endorphins, the whole experience leaves these thoughts behind.

Depression and other mental issues. There have been studies and even a clinical practice devoted to delivering corporal punishmenht to aid recovery from mental issues such as depression and addiction.

For myself I have suffered depression and I know that after corporal punishment I feel better. I have been taken away from that destructive mentality for a time, I have become someone else who is not depressed. I feel however (as a lay person) that the benefit may be transitory. You would be better off treating the cause of the depression professionally.

How Does a Corporal Session Proceed?

Again – this is totally up to the participants. There are typical scenarios and there are some other options. Here is my experience.

At first there is the pre-session discussion where the mistress and the client discuss what is to happen.

Typically in a corporal session lighter impements are used first, usually with lighter strokes. This warms up the skin and makes the body accept punishment more easily. This is called the warm up and is probably the most common thing in these kinds of sessions.

The warmup can be challenging. It can lift me onto my toes with firmer strokes and make me wonder if I’ve made a mistake, and ask myself how can I take this?

For me the warmup is with belts delivered probably at a light to medium intensity. I have a few the mistress uses and I find this delicious. Challenging, but delicious.

For hand strapping a lighter more supple strap is used.

As the session proceeds the force implements may change and the force used may increase till it is significant. For example, a belt can be made to really crack down hard in mid-session and the sensation can be quite sharp. Then a heavy warse is used to the butt, hard, and that really stings.

A common technique used to prolong the corporal is to give a lighter implement, for example a wider belt, then give a more harsh implement such as a prison strap, then a lighter implement again in turn. This lets the body recover and take more.

At the end of the session, the most harsh implments are usually used. This is often the cane. The cane when delivered hard really gets in, it overwhelmes any previous discipline and you feel it deeply. Given hard it feels like it cuts and sometimes I have had split skin and a little blood. But over all, a sound caning at the end really does finish a session off well.

I find that a session without a caning at the end is just not right – it has not finished properly even if the previous corporal has totally drained and defeated me.

Cold caning and cold prison strapping I have found to be the ultimate challenge. These are given at the start of the session, hard, and without any prior warmup. Because of this absence of warmup the cane and prison strap really do challenge.

Normally at the end of session the prison strap and cane feel painful. The prison strap opens up a band of hot sting and is painful. The cane has a narrow band of pain and sting that cuts deeper.

A cold caning and prison strapping to the butt makes it feel like it’s exploding, the head comes back, the eyes go back, the mouth opens in an “OOHH” and the body tenses as the pain overwhelmes.

Is It Hard-core? How Full on?

I was asked once if the whole corporal punishment thing is just play acting?

The answer is of course it can be whatever you want.

It is totally up to you and the mistress. And this is all part of the reason for choosing a professional wisely.

It can be total play acting with the most mild of sensation that doesn’t leave a mark but titillates.

Likewise it can be totally play acting and really quite severe leaving welts for at least a week, bleeding marks covering an area, black and purple bruising that looks and is intense.

Again – the severity of the corporal punishment is agreed upon before the session starts. It can be as little or as much as you want. You can change during the session using gestures and the mistress can gauge your reaction and cater to suit your instructions.

One of the more hard-core forms I find is the ‘cold caning’ and ‘cold prison strapping’ type session. This is where an implement is used really quite hard at the start of a session and it hurts a whole lot more that way. When there is a warm up with lighter implements over a period of time it is easier to take a harder punishment later.

To put it into context, a heavy session leaves my butt deeply welted, sometimes bleeding, and the bruises and welts can take a week to heal.

Masochism and Corporal Punishment

These seem so obviously linked that it sounds impossible to be not labelled as a masochist if corporal punishment happens in a session.

Yet I feel a significant distinction.

I only seek corporal in a session. Nowhere else. I loathe pain in so many scenarios just the same as most people. But put me in a dungeon with a leather clad dominatrix and it all changed.

So maybe it should be called  contextual masochism.

I hate labels. They are so one dimensional.

How Often Do You Get Corporal?

For me, once a month is about right and that is for reasonably heavy corporal punishment.

I recently went 13 months as a result of some issues, and I found that too long. Much too long. I found myself distracted by the need for more.

What Is The Mistress/Slave Interaction Like?

There should be only one answer to this – it is whatever you want.

A good BDSM mistress will craft a session to suit you based on the pre-session discussion. Pure and simple. If you want “this” then you will probaly get it, and same if you want “that” – whatever it is, you need to talk it through and come to an agreement.

If you want specifics then there are a plenty of options. It is up to you! Here are just a few….

A strict and stern dominatrix punishing a slave. I’ve had many of these.

The silent treatment, just being punished.

A telling off, ‘you need a good belting for what you’ve done‘ and then delivering. A favorite!

‘I’m going to enjoy strapping/caning/tawsing you with this’ then the implement is fetched, shown teased with and then used. Another absolute favorite.

A school mistress can discipline an unruly student.

A mom can punish a naughty son or daughter.

A strict governess can punish the wayward student.

— and so the list goes on —

How Will The Mistress sound? Bzzt, sorry, you need to read the above! Ask, discuss, and mistress will work with you on this to get what you want.

Are Mistresses/ Dominatrixes Sadists?

Strangely enough, I don’t know!

Some love delivering corporal punishment and often the cane is their preferred weapon of choice. This then feels like the answer is ‘yes’ – but I have reservations.

In my 5 years+ of having sessions I’ve not felt that mistresses are sadists.

I think it is much more accurate to say they are professionals, catering the session to suit the client.

Has a Mistress Ever Gone Too Far?

This is a defintion and labelling thing. For me the answer is ‘No’ as I like heavy corporal and going too far with that is almost by definition impossible.

But that is a poor answer.

The real answer is that a good mistress will know if the intensity is getting too much. Even when gagged, the way corporal punishment is felt will be obvious and the mistress will adjust to suit the slave.

Also, for a first session is can be really difficult for a mistress to know what is truly wanted. Sure the pre-session discussion should have specifics and some guidelines but as the reality of the session happens this can be totally wrong or different.

How can a newbie know what heavy corpooral is like? Likewise can a newbie wanting light corporal suddenly find it is not enough?

In my first session I found I needed more than the mistress was giving. I had to ask her to give me another caning as I felt it was not enough. I just loved it, it felt so right. I think the mistress was a little reluctant as I’d marked up so badly – after all it was my first ever session.

In the sessions I now have, the mistress looks at my reaction. When she uses the prison strap, for example, if I don’t lift onto my toes, shake and jump from the stroke, she knows to go harder because mistress knows me. And if that doesn’t make me react she gives them quicker too.

So how you react in a session is a signal to mistress. She will be watching. When I push my butt out to her, to the implement, she knows I’m inviting more, and harder. When I lift onto my toes and retreat from her, shake, my head goes back, she knows she got in and will give me just a few more to make it sink in as she knows I need that.

So of course all that is totally subjective. It works for me. If you have a session with corporal punishment the pre-session discussion is critical.

Endure, Accept, Challenge

These are terms that come to mind in my corporal sessions.

The mistress delivers corporal punishment and I feel I need to endure it.

Then in enduring that punishment, that pain, I accept it. I take it in. It suffuses, transports, shifts my perceptions. The pain I endure lifts me out of the here and now.

Accepting the pain makes it almost irrelevant. It just is. It doesn’t have stigma or anything other than the experience.

I’m getting tired ot talking about pain all the time. It feels like a focus, like the be-all and end-all of the session. The reality for me is that it is nothing, and all, and a transport and a mechanism. It is contradictory and difficult. It is annoying to try to define. Sitting here, now, I don’t feel any pain – what was it like? Did it really do that? Am I sure?

The challenge for me is then to endure and accept despite the actual pain. I feel that challenge. I don’t want to give in. I don’t want to show a reaction. How much can mistress give before she defeats me? How much before I show a reaction?

The challenge for mistress is to know how much to give, which implement to use and when. She delivers, she watches, she uses her knowledge of the client to deliver more or less.

I know I challenge mistress. I try to endure, to not show the effect of something till it gets through to me. She gives me a stroke of the prison strap, it stings and burns, but not too much so I push my butt back to her, I invite more and harder. Then she delivers a harder stroke and many more in a short time. Then the rapidly increasing pain breaks down my barriers. At that point I am consumed.

Does The Body Get Used To It?

There are 2 ways this question applies, and both are ‘Yes’

Firstly – in a session the lighter strokes of the warm up are felt quite deeply. They sting, they thud, they lift me onto my toes and I find them challenging.

As the warm up proceeds, as the session proceeds, the strokes are felt less.

So as the session proceeds, other implements are used and the force is increased to make me continue to feel it, to react.

Also as you have more sessions the body reacts differently. In my first session I marked up dramatically from a light to medium session. The marks were huge. More recent sessions have had fewer marks.

Over the years I feel I have built up a resistance such that mistress needs to apply with a lot more force to get the same reaction.

Where To Now?

I have no idea other than I do know I will have more sessions. I feel myself changing.

I’m wanting to try different things in a session. New things.

I recently had a training session with an apprentice as well as my regular mistress. Mistress taught her to use my implements on me, demonstrated giving corporal punishment. It was new, it was different, it was kind of ok.

I usually have the strict and stern mistress just punishing a slave.She collects an implment, uses it, then moved onto the next. All very simple and straight forward.

For my last session mistress told me I needed a belting, a strapping, a hand tawsing then she collected the implement, showed me then used it. She took her time with the hand strapping, lifting and flopping the tawse onto my palms so I felt the leather as I watched mistress raise and lower it. It was extraordinarily delicious. She repeated time and again, prolonging the experience, then she gave me a hard stroke. That was brilliant!

It has been a few years since my last, I’m feeling like a cold prison strapping then a cold hard caning to start my next sesison off with.

Lets see if mistress has found this blog!