BDSM and Stability Comes At A Cost
This is a blog post for those feeling conflicted with their inner BDSM self and the way they move through life and society in general.
A year or more ago I saw an article on the internet that said people into BDSM overall enjoyed better mental health than for “vanilla” people.
I didn’t give it that much attention at the time but on reflection I have one issue with it.
For that study to have achieved the stated result, people must have admitted to their needs – and hence have the stability and strength to admit to their BDSM leanings. That by its nature would imply a level of mental health all of itself (and something that took me decades to achieve, maybe only partially).
That kind of stability and mental health comes at a cost and with a great deal of effort.
I’ve often thought I present one face to the world in my vanilla life, then another when the inner BDSM gets to come out to play.
This inner duality comes at a cost, the cost of stability and then stress.
We are all Multi-Polar
I think we are – we have multiple personalities all stacked up inside us that come out to take a role as the situation demands.
At work we can be one type of person, then at home another as we interact with loved ones, and then another person in other situations. The most alpha-trait person at work will be very different in a hospital gown awaiting treatment, then different again at home or on holiday. The situation changes the person.
So it is for me. My normal-vanilla self takes the major role for most of my day at work. I supervise staff, answer phone calls and am somewhat dominant in the work place to make it all run well for the company.
Then I get home after fighting through traffic to play with the dog and be the loving partner and carer for our children. At home I share few similarities with the persona at work, that would not be a great combination.
Then all change.
When I get into a BDSM session something vastly different surfaces. All my normal vanilla-self persona traits disappear and I take on a different role, a vastly different persona. My staff at work would be shocked to see.
Life Is Like a Theatre
It is. We live and act out our various roles throughout our lives. We change from being a child, then grow to adolescence and adult with various phases in between – we truly do change.
We can be happy on the outside yet crying inside; how many times have you done this? When someone asks you how you are, you smile and say ‘great thanks’ yet inside you feel like you are melting, or hurting, or just wishing the world would open up and take you. Or you wish you were in a BDSM session.
Finding Mental Health
This is where it gets hard. It is something to work for as it just isn’t given away for free. At least not for me.
I can only realistically talk about what my path has been and how I have become more at ease with my inner needs.
But how does this relate to you? We’re all different. Do you actually need advice or are you happy the way you are?
All I can do is present some options from my own experiences.
My subconscious is my compass needle. It is. I know with some kind of deep almost tremble that I need to do something with BDSM and that its absence is becoming meaningful.
Recognizing that tremble, that silent quiver, has become easier over the years. I know the signs and I know the cost of not doing something about it can become significant.
Define the source of conflict – you can’t deal with an issue unless you know what it is. For me it was denial of my inner needs and my baked-in upbringing saying those needs were perverted and worse.
That upbringing and my perceptions caused stress.
My number 1 tip – is see a trained psychologist and talk through your stresses. This will if you are anything like me, put a totally different perspective on everything.
That was so helpful to me that it probably saved my life. At a time when I thought my life was imploding and my inner self was conflicted and battling with my secret needs, this saved me at multiple levels.
Seek Self Love – this sounds corny but it is true. It comes as a result of fundamentally knowing that your secret BDSM needs do not make you a bad person.
You will still be the same old person but in slaking that inner need, you will be more at peace and maye even a better person.
Removing that inner tension and gaining stability allows and then gives clarity. It is much easier to see the beautiful things in life and around you. And being corny again, being at peace and ease makes it easier to give love.
Reject denial – it is toxic as denial just lets a problem linger, fester, rot inside you. None of those things help.
One tip from my own experience – I get ‘acid tummy’ when I deny my needs. That is a sure sign for me.
Where possible, involve a significant other – and for me that was a HUGE hurdle.
I do not recommend it wholeheartedly for everyone as quite frankly it can be challenging for a partner to accept. I feel it could easily be a relationship breaker.
The thing is, if you don’t, are you living a lie? Are you being honest with them? That in itself creates stress particularly if you love the other person.
For me, I decided that I must either break the relationship or come out to my needs and grow from there. Living as I had been was not an option and not being true to either of us.
My partner then found I was just the same loving person as before and maybe even more so as I was and still am so grateful for the acceptance. Maybe it also explained me a little better. Understanding is never a bad thing to have.
Coming out to a group of friends or work colleagues is a different thing. I’ve not done that and can’t advise. I can see the advantages – and the disadvantages.
Sex and BDSM needs to be understood in the context of the relationship if you are coming out to BDSM.
For me that was easy. I don’t mix the two so it was far easier for my partner to accept that. My partner didn’t want to be involved in my BDSM at all so that again meant I kept having pro-domme sessions elsewhere and the no-sex rule for me works well.
For you? Was this any benefit? I hope so. All I can do is write as if I were giving my three+ decade-ago self some options and advice.
Do you have a story you would like to share? I am always happy to hear from readers.
‘Trikki