Upbringing of course has such a huge impact on our lives. We grow up with a set of values and perceptions as to how we should behave, yet we can have huge hidden inner needs conflict with that conditioning.
Thus It was for me.
The leather mistress with a whip leaves nothing to the imagination.
That is of course except for the role you will play. Will it be you she whips? And you want that?
This is where the contradiction comes in. Suddenly your needs overwhelm your upbringing. Suddenly you find relief and solace from your denied needs and suddenly you feel free.
Yet at the same time you look around you and feel such guilt or remorse, or an out of body feeling that you doubt your sanity.
How can you be in a BDSM dungeon with a leather clad dominatrix and have that fit within your upbringing? It goes against your logic and yet it is so vastly wanted.
I remember being in a bondage-spine also known as a fish bone harness. It is essentially a dozen wide lather straps that wrap the body tightly and totally immobilize. For the belt bondage fetishist it doesn’t get any better than this. I remember thinking how damn strange it was to be in this position, on the floor strapped up tight. Yet I loved it so much. And I doubted my sanity. And I was disappointed when mistress un buckled all the straps.
This is the contradiction. Your needs are fighting with your logical self. You need it, you rebel against it. I do. Maybe this is where heavy corporal helps. It pushes all other thoughts out of my mind and pushes me firmly into that floaty and sub-spacey feeling I relish.
Walk into a BDSM dungeon. It is filled with promise as to what will happen. There is no ambiguity.
Yet later in the session, I can almost look down on myself and wonder how and why on earth I am doing this. It feels so strange.
At the same time I know I need it so much.
The Multi Polar Life
I’ve spoken of this previously. I feel we all have and live with multiple personalities, all stacked up inside us that come out to take control under different circumstances.
For example, your work persona changes to something else when you get home. Your home persona changes when you go shopping, or are on holiday and of course at work. That is all reasonable and normal.
The faces we present to the world change from day to day and from hour to hour.
I know I change dramatically in a BDSM session compared to my other personas – and that sounds totally normal.
Yet I feel the contradiction.
But when something that is important to us is denied, the denial seems to make it stronger. No matter how you try, it is always there, clamoring for attention and taking effort to suppress.
At the same time our logical self, our every day self that deals with people, friends and family battles with that inner special self crying out for its release.
The contradictions between our special needs and our upbringing and the logic that has ruled our formative lives causes tension and conflict within us.
Moving Forward
For me there were a number of ways that I was able to reduce the tension and conflict that came from the contradictions warring within me.
Without doubt, the best thing I did was to seek professional counseling. That put everything into perspective.
Acceptance of myself and my special needs came from counseling. That, and the simple words that were spoken to me gave me a new perspective on life. This was the first step.
Coming out to my wife was a life changing moment where we both came to know each other better. I was able to dispel the fears I had, and that she had, and then move forward in our lives.
Taking charge then slaking my needs with regular BDSM sessions was then possible. I was able to reduce the inner tensions and to live out my innermost needs.