Coming Out To BDSM

One persons BDSM is another persons porn or filth or depravity, and quite often a secret delight. You name it. The issue with coming out to BDSM is to define what BDSM means to you – and then of course dealing with the consequences of a revelation to a significant other. It is not easy!


Before You do - ask these questions

For me, coming out took decades and only happened at a time of great personal stress. Sure, it worked for me but it is not something I would recommend without answering some basic questions.

Why are you doing it now? Why not yesterday, or last week, or next week?

Why are you doing it at all? Write the reasons down. Do they make sense?

How will it change the people you tell? Are they open minded, will this come way out of the left field for them and challenge their perceptions of you? Will you be the only kinkster in your group, then what assumptions will that provoke?

What are you going to get out of it? Yes, you must be selfish and admit to yourself just what pluses there are in this for you.

Coming Out Has Its Perils - Expect Confusion

First of all, I do not recommend you come out to a significant other, to friends and colleagues you are into BDSM – unless you are absolutely sure of the outcome. That is totally and absolutely your choice and your concern and your responsibility.

Remember – what is once said can’t be un-said and can’t be un heard.

Then when you do say that you have “this thing I like which is a bit kinky,” that leads to further discussions. Expect to be questioned more and more. If someone cares for you, that is only natural.

The confusion comes when someone who has previously seen you as “normal” suddenly finds you have this kink that seems so illogical to them. Trying to explain what it is that you get out of it can be near to impossible.

Trying to define to someone else just what it is that BDSM is for you can be challenging. Oft times images are far stronger or better than words.

Tawse Over Shulder

HOLD OUT YOUR HANDS – she says. Then I do for the tawse to do its work. This is an image that tells so much and also can be truly scary to someone not into the BDSM thing.

“You really get that?” I got asked, and then “but why?” and then the reasons that are invented are amusing. “Was it something in a previous life?” and “is it that you’re gay?” and “were you abused as a child?”

Trying to explain that my kink is just something in me, something innate, something necessary that calls to me just wasn’t enough for a very long time.

Disclosure As A Necessity

I can only write from personal experience, and from the depth of my own upbringing in kink-unfriendly times.

Disclosure became a necessity for me. Denial for more than 3 decades really did build an awful tension.

In a time or marital trauma I disclosed to my wife. I had to. She could see I was emotionally struggling and that the end of the marriage was a distinct possibility. She thought the fault was hers or that the marriage wasn’t working.

In some ways she was right. It wasn’t working because I had this need and was repressing it and keeping it a secret. It was the marriage because I felt trapped and could not indulge in my needs.

But it was me. I had not had the strength or honesty to disclose and in the absence of information, she was also a pressure cooker of emotions and fears. All this was spiraling out of control.

Disclosing was immensely difficult. It took hours and hours to explain that I had this need. That I needed it. That it was part of me and not as a consequence of her behavior or some age old trauma etc.

Extremely important was also to point out that my special needs did not take away from my love for her and the family or make me a bad person. I was and will be the same old me, just with a few extra kinks I’ve admitted to that have always been there.

Her fear of change and a sense of loss was very real. Working through that was necessary, with lots of reassurances.

Time helped immensely. We worked on the issue, talked it over. Sex outside the marriage was huge thing and a marriage breaker for her if this was included in me seeing BDSM mistresses. For me that was not an issue as sex is not part of my sessions.

Over The Years

The huge benefit of coming out to my wife is that she understand me far better. Should that not be the case in a marriage?

The whole cheating thing is all dependant on how you define it.

When my moods are low or ‘needy’ she knows I need to have a session and usually fairly soon.

While I feel guilt in doing it,  it is vastly easier for her knowing.

She also runs interference for me telling family and contacts a cover story.

So, yes, disclosuure has made it hugely easy.

BDSM And Cheating

This was a sticking point for my wife. If I wanted sex with mistresses she and I would have struggled to stay together.

It is cheating because even without sex in BDSM sessions I am doing something so personal to me while naked, with another woman. It is something so deeply personal-intimate which should only be with a partner in my old-school upbringing view.

It is not cheating because there is no sexual element, no intimacy, no erotic touching etc. The mistress is doing something my wife can’t get involved with and the mistress is relieving a tension that helps in the marriage. Plus my wife knows about it, I am honest, I am not keeping secrets – and honesty and keeping secrets are the first step in cheating.

I like to think there are similarities when when I see a female doctor, or a female nurse or psychologist. I can tell them intimate things, or get medically examined, I am also not cheating.

You need to be the judge of all that.

Few if any mistresses I’ve seen would have permitted sex. Sure, hand relief is available and they are I presume happy with that. I’ve been offered it maybe 3 times in 16 years but I’ve always said I couldn’t look my wife in the eyes if I did that. Even that felt wrong.

In my first ever session I really felt that I was cheating. Taking off my clothes and allowing her to interact with me (meaning to give me corporal) with me naked felt vastly wrong. It felt like I was cheating, yet there was zero intimacy of any kind.

Over the years this has relented. I can be naked chatting to the mistress after the session and there is still no intimacy. It is just part of the session and not a danger to the marriage.

Where To For You?

May I suggest you think it through, take your time, evaluate benefits and consequences. Be sure of yourself.

I am a huge fan of writing things down, making lists, weighing up decisions.

Then with important things, wait a few days and re-evaluate. Look at it with a fresh mind.

What is once said, can’t be un-said. Are you comfortable with this.

The number one priority is “you” – how are you going to feel, feel better, be happier?

Doing something like this in haste just feels vastly wrong.

Either way, I hope it goes well for you. Life is a journey we should take pleasure from, be a peace with and happy free, to be free to live and love as suits us.


Christmas Best Wishes

To all, I wish a most wonderful and happy Christmas, then a happy, safe and prosperous 2022.

Best Wishes


Christmas tree

For me, 2021 has had its challenges with Covid, health in its various forms and of course all those sometimes wonderful, sometimes painful things that make us unique human beings.

At times it has felt that the world has gone mad, that the stability I’d assumed would be there forever has been damaged.

But now as I near the end of 2021 and see the world emerging from its great challenge of the pandemic, I see and feel more hope than in the last so many months.

For 2022 my greatest hope is that we can all consolidate and prosper safely with the new year.

My gift to you : at times when I have struggled to stay positive, the words below come to mind. May they bring you peace.



GO PLACIDLY amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

By Max Ehrmann © 1927
Original text

Mental Health And BDSM – My Story

Sometimes Life Loses Its colour

I know at times how difficult it is to be happy when life seems to be sucking all the pleasure out of my life. I feel isolated, depressed, and at times even worse.

Some times of the year are worse than others, too. Sometimes when we are meant to be happy, joyous, festive, the mood really struggles to lift.

Mental Health

Having that huge inner secret really can make like difficult. It did for me for years.

This is part of my story, how BDSM has become an accepted part of my life.

BDSM Really Is Central To Me

It is clear to me that my mental health and BDSM are closely related. I know that the denial decades, the time when I denied that I had these needs, were difficult. I know those decades were marked by mood swings and feelings of inadequacy and depression.

When I sought counseling then had my greatest fears put to rest by more than one psychologist it lifted a burden from me. Then I was able to have my first ever BDSM experience with a professional mistress, a dominatrix.

I can still remember how I felt after that first session. It was like a weight had been lifted, like I was a new person, like I had been reborn and rebuilt.

To be told by medical practitioners, “No your BDSM side does not make you a bad person or take away from who you are,” was one of the most profound moments in my life.

Where It All Started

In my very early teens I discovered self-bondage and the joy of having a belt fetish. Since this was in a time before the internet, and half a century before the 50 shades phenomenon, knowledge and acceptance of this kind of activity was pretty much nil.

From my upbringing, I was totally unable to admit this need to anyone and it became my secret pleasure for decades, but also a source of instability.

In fact, I’d (of course) known absolutely nothing about what I was doing and enjoying, I just knew it called to me and I felt better for it. It was a spontaneous pleasure that surfaced from an inner need.

The key take away is that I did it spontaneously.

Where’s The Benefit

Without going into detail, but over the years my needs changed slightly and grew.

I found that after indulging in my secret pleasure that I was happier for a time afterward. It seemed to relax, to release, to free my innermost self in some way that nothing else could.

Sex, vanilla sex outside of BDSM was great which I enjoyed and still enjoy immensely. My BDSM needs don’t take away from that but I’ve never mixed them together. For me they are separate but I am sure that for others this is not the case. We’re all different and while I sometimes I wish I could mix the two together it is not a strong or great wish.

I could talk about the mechanisms, the things that are done, the equipment, the fetish, the pain and the erotic or sub-space nature of the BDSM session but that is a topic for another post. It is also different for different people as I am sure my needs are different from others.

What matters to me and what makes my sessions work probably won’t be the same for many others, and vice versa.

The direction the benefit comes from, the means to that benefit comes from a number of sources or reasons.

First of all, being tied up, in bondage, seems to affect me deeply. I feel a release from stress and a giving up of responsibility.

I love that feeling, both physically and mentally as belts wrap and restrain me.

Sub-space is a real thing for me. All the aspects of the BDSM session work with this to push me deeper and deeper into a far more relaxed state sometimes called ‘sub-space’ where the every-day-me is gone and a new me emerges. It is a me that has regressed to become almost elemental in its regression and freedom from this world.

Sub-space is a little like deep meditation. It is a time when the usual day to day “me” is gone and replaced by a totally placid, passive, un-thinking and un-caring me who just responds in the session and floats along with it.

I once told my wife that it’s impossible to thinking of much else when you’re tied up getting a strapping from a leather clad dominatrix. And it’s true. The whole experience, and because it’s so deep within me, pushes me into a totally different space. Nothing else in the world exists.

Fetish and indulgence are factors. Being able to indulge in fetish, to let that inner need out and to have acceptance and participation from someone else is a huge thing.

Just being able to indulge in something that means so much to me means a lot.

Also the humiliation of being in bondage, of being given corporal punishment while in bondage and to feel that embarrassment is all part of it. It challenges my societal norms, yet I do it, yet it challenges and the contradictions take a toll on me.

It all helps push me into sub-space, to change me.

For the vanilla readers – the nearest I can give you as an example;

Imagine you have had a terrible month, the most stressful you can imagine. Then you set out to go on holiday and the traffic is terrible, everything conspires to make your life difficult. The car has trouble, there is road work, you get a speeding ticket – the list goes on. Then you get to your destination feeling tired and washed out and stressed, you throw your bags in the hotel room and walk down to the beach. Suddenly the trauma in your brain stops, your mood changes and expands expands into the surroundings, all the weight is lifted and stresses are forgotten and you feel good. You are on holiday. You walk bare footed in the surf and listen to the crashing waves as it consumes you.

Well, that’s how I feel at the start of a BDSM session, then it just gets better.

Perhaps it is in the giving up of the self, giving the power over myself to another (oft called power exchange), removing all my cares and responsibilities that has such a profound effect on me.

“Power exchange” to me is a clinical term in my opinion. It is used to describe the process of the BDSM session where the mistress dominates the slave for a time. For me, I have never thought that. The BDSM session is my coming out time, when I live my inner fantasy. I;m free to indulge even if only for a short time.

As Time Went On

Back onto the time line, after my teenage years I remained in denial for three decades and change before I eventually “broke” then saw a therapist who reassured me that in these much more enlightened times, my needs did not make me bad person.

After my first BDSM session I found a peace and acceptance and a release from inner tensions that had been growing for decades. It was a particularly cathartic time and a time of self discovery. While I didn’t cry from the release, I could absolutely understand it if others did.

Trying to Keep An Even Balance – Secrets Can Be Destructive

I married then had children with a wonderful woman who to this day I still enjoy a deeply loving relationship with and would in no way want or consider to change.

One of the most difficult things in my life was coming out to her about my BDSM needs, and then trying to help her understand that it is just a part of me that in no way invalidates my love for her. Now, nearly two decades later she is accepting and even sends me off for a BDSM session when it is clear I need one again.

Keeping that even balance can be difficult. In busy times, times of stress I handle all that very well on a day to day basis. But it is wearing. After a time, weeks or even a few months and more I find my thoughts are turning toward that inner place that calls me. When I try to repress it, it builds an inner tension that destabilized me.

It does sound a little like a split personality as I re-read that. And it is. There is the logical every day “vanilla” me and then the kinky-me needing release.

There is no doubt it is an inner place, something that is a part of me. It is not habit that brings it, it is not the trauma of life itself or something forced on me.

It is everything. It is my self-consciousness understanding that I need it to make me whole again. Like eating when I’m hungry. Like showering when I feel dirty or greasy.

Going Forward

In the years I have left on this earth I somehow doubt I will change much in my needs. Speaking with mistresses the message is the same, age is not a great factor in needs for BDSM.

I know my health and in particular my mental health are dependent on my acceptance of my needs and occasionally having them met.

However the intensity I enjoy may change as that may be natural. We all change. Also I find myself drawn to one part of my need more than others, but that would seem to also be the nature of the whole spectrum of BDSM and life in general.

BDSM can change as required, it is broad and deep in what is available.

Are You Struggling?

I did for years and wouldn’t wish that on anyone. My issues were upbringing related and long lasting, decades.

My solution and one which I hope helps others was to seek professional counseling. That helped immensely by letting me come to terms with my needs and de-stigmatize them.

Above all else, it helped to de-stimatize the whole BDSM thing.


Dating And BDSM Needs

Christmas time can be a time of feeling lonely, feeling lost and neglected. The solution is often seen as dating, finding that someone nice to be with and even if only for a short term.

Adding BDSM needs into the mix adds a significant complication. Looking back on my life and with the bias from an upbringing in decidedly non-enlightened times, what advice would I give myself on dating today?

Life is very different now providing so many options.


It all comes back to what you want in dating.

Sex? A short term or long term relationship? A life partner?

You Need To Define What You Want

A great self help book I read said that you can’t hit a target unless you can see it. What simple and obviously good advice that is.

So it is with relationships. What are you after and what BDSM type interaction and or disclosure are you wanting?

Now I realize there are many dating Apps out there and more than a few cater for the BDSM and other communities. Well done them!

But not all relationships happen through an App – and even when one does, how do you deal with disclosure?  What do you do if you see that someone special on a non-kink friendly site? Do you disclose? When? How? Why? What are the consequences?

When - and Should - you Disclose?

If you’re looking for a hard and fast recipe – forget it.

No two people and situations will be the same. Sorry to state the bleeding obvious and you probably know that anyway.

If you are on a first date with someone from work and you disclose and it ends badly – well that is just a recipe for your private needs to spread where you probably don’t want.

If you are not sure about the person and quite frankly suspect they are not kink-friendly then hey, it might be a great idea to ease into the conversation about it. If it scares them off then that is almost a win-win. No harm no foul. You can still maybe be friends but acknowledge a relationship breaker. I’d much rayther have the pain of a breakup earl rather than later.

Honesty matters to me. Being dishonest with someone when emotions are involved really is not nice and I wouldn’t want it to happen to me. This needs to be balanced with ‘the right time’ in disclosure.

A difficult situation is where you date someone and after a few dates and maybe after some intimacy you open up. You are into them, thery are into you… so what could go wrong?

The answer is you must look at the situation. How is that person going to deal with it – can you assure them that the BDSM side is complimentary and not an overwhelming thing (supposing it is that way for you) and that hey, they can maybe enjoy it also.

Of course it all depends on if you want the relationship to endure and the person.

My Own Experience

I re-entered the dating scene after a relationship problem. I swore to myself I would never date someone without disclosing my special BDSM needs.

The results were surprisingly positive.

I was looking for a relationship, long term and those where the people I was seeking. I don’t know if that coloured the experience.

I found 100% support from my dates. Their focus was to find someone loving, caring, supporting and most of all someone who they felt comfortable happy and secure around. My BDSM side was seen as something maybe a little odd, maybe strange, maybe out there, but for them it was peripheral to the whole package.

I never disclosed on a first date. I wanted to find out just what the person was like first. Some I never saw again because they just were not right for me.

Personality was more important. Being able to talk, communicate with, have some fun and shared interests and just be compatible vastly overwhelmed the BDSM side. That surprised me. Yet again my upbringing let me down.

One date resulted in intimacy very quickly before I could disclose, then burned out naturally. BDSM wasn’t mentioned.

Another date burned out naturally prior to intimacy, then we both found out we had shared BDSM interests, but the spark wasn’t there. That was kind of annoying but no big deal.

Some of the experiences were sad also. One person said an ex-partner used to beat them so badly that they’d get blood on the shirt that  couldn’t hidden from a daughter. That hiding the blood was the main concern was horrifying – that it was put up with it was truly sad and even worse. Their needs were to find love and a partner. My BDSM just didn’t rate and the trauma of disclosure was all in my head. Yet again.

Another person was genuinely lonely and struggling with life alone. For them the BDSM was exotic, odd, strange, but again nowhere near as important as all the normal relationship things.

The key takeaway I found was that if there is that spark of attraction, that feeling that there may be some hope of a relationship, the BDSM thing just wasn’t the deal breaker I thought.

How Is That First Date Going?

If it is going well but you’re not sure?

If you meet then have a first date with someone and the date is going well, what are the consequences of disclosing your particular BDSM needs? Any why hurry it?

If the other person is horrified or supportive and interested then those are simple consequences and you can terminate or move forward from there. No big deal, one date and you know where you are headed.

Frankly – if they are horrified and the date ends abruptly then it means you may have done it badly, and also most likely that person is not for you. If you didn’t disclose you’ll end up in denial and that is not great.

Also likely is that the person you are talking with won’t have much of an idea about BDSM and also likely is that you’ll not define it all that well in the stress of the moment. From there misunderstanding will rule and the outcome is probably far from what you want.

My suggestion? I’d wait for another date or two. Why hurry? Is there that spark of attraction? Has the relationship got legs, will it progress? If the answer is yes then you will know the person better, be in a better position to disclose and hopefully get a more positive response.

Of Course There Is More To this

I’ve focused on the BDSM side of dating – and that from my experience was only a small part of the equation.

Clearly other aspects were more imnportant.

Again my advice (and I can’t help myself) is to not get hung up on the BDSM side.

The real questions become if there is that spark of attraction and what are the things that each person brings into and wants out of the relationship both positive and negative.

I truly wish you well.


Today Is Session Day

Just a quick post – in my excitement for my next BDSM session, here is the marker that today is the day.

Tawse Over Shulder

Yes. Here I go again.

My goodness she looks severe, these won’t be love-taps she give me.

In a few hours I shall be kneeling in front of mistress as she puts the XH tawse over her shoulder. My hands will be out front offered up for the leather to redden.

An upcoming post will hopefully provide some details and some emotional and mental health updates.

How many real life BDSM sessions featuring corporal and bondage do you read about?

BDSM sessions are extremely intimate and private making sharing a little out of the comfort zone, but with the best of intentions I say I will try.

What follows is a snippet from a proposed upcoming post. This is how I feel “now” just a few short hours prior to the session.

My previous BDSMsession with heavy corporal and belt bondage was 9 months ago, while the one before that was 4 months prior again.

During much this and last year the Covid virus ran rampant in the community with lock downs and restrictions being in force causing availability of the venue to be limited. In previous years I had averaged over 6 sessions a year with some years having many more.

Absence from the dungeon has consequences.

I miss it, I feel less stable and grounded. I fixate and my mental health deteriorates. This was initially hard to understand and describe, hard to come to terms with and even harder to admit to. But it is a consequence. My wife is so supportive and encouraging. She now actually tells me to have a session when she sees how I am feeling even though the whole thing is vastly uncomfortable for her.

Having sessions further apart means the corporal punishment I take is harder to endure, it seems to get in more as my body reacts more strongly. Yes, it is true, the tolerance for regular corporal punishment does increase when it’s received regularly.

Is the lower tolerance I have a bad thing? Since I go there for the out of body experience, the almost cathartic release that corporal, bondage and dungeon brings perhaps it is no bad thing. It is just more painful. I’ll get over it.

Also and not to be ignored is that having a session feels more exciting, much more exciting after a time away. The anticipation of a session is stronger with my imagination having a fine old time reliving memories and distracting me. It is not “meh, just another session” which is a feeling I’ve had in the past. This is the full mind and body experience of excitement and yes those silent quivers have kicked in.

BDSM and Stability

BDSM and Stability Comes At A Cost

This is a blog post for those feeling conflicted with their inner BDSM self and the way they move through life and society in general.

A year or more ago I saw an article on the internet that said people into BDSM overall enjoyed better mental health than for “vanilla” people.

I didn’t give it that much attention at the time but on reflection I have one issue with it.

For that study to have achieved the stated result, people must have admitted to their needs – and hence have the stability and strength to admit to their BDSM leanings. That by its nature would imply a level of mental health all of itself (and something that took me decades to achieve, maybe only partially).

That kind of stability and mental health comes at a cost and with a great deal of effort.

Mental Health

I’ve often thought I present one face to the world in my vanilla life, then another when the inner BDSM gets to come out to play.

This inner duality comes at a cost, the cost of stability and then stress.

We are all Multi-Polar

I think we are – we have multiple personalities all stacked up inside us that come out to take a role as the situation demands.

At work we can be one type of person, then at home another as we interact with loved ones, and then another person in other situations. The most alpha-trait person at work will be very different in a hospital gown awaiting treatment, then different again at home or on holiday. The situation changes the person.

So it is for me. My normal-vanilla self takes the major role for most of my day at work. I supervise staff, answer phone calls and am somewhat dominant in the work place to make it all run well for the company.

Then I get home after fighting through traffic to play with the dog and be the loving partner and carer for our children. At home I share few similarities with the persona at work, that would not be a great combination.

Then all change.

When I get into a BDSM session something vastly different surfaces. All my normal vanilla-self persona traits disappear and I take on a different role, a vastly different persona. My staff at work would be shocked to see.

Life Is Like a Theatre

It is. We live and act out our various roles throughout our lives. We change from being a child, then grow to adolescence and adult with various phases in between – we truly do change.

The many faces

We can be happy on the outside yet crying inside; how many times have you done this? When someone asks you how you are, you smile and say ‘great thanks’ yet inside you feel like you are melting, or hurting, or just wishing the world would open up and take you. Or you wish you were in a BDSM session.

Finding Mental Health

This is where it gets hard. It is something to work for as it just isn’t given away for free. At least not for me.

I can only realistically talk about what my path has been and how I have become more at ease with my inner needs.

But how does this relate to you? We’re all different. Do you actually need advice or are you happy the way you are?

All I can do is present some options from my own experiences.

My subconscious is my compass needle. It is. I know with some kind of deep almost tremble that I need to do something with BDSM and that its absence is becoming meaningful.

Recognizing that tremble, that silent quiver, has become easier over the years. I know the signs and I know the cost of not doing something about it can become significant.

Define the source of conflict – you can’t deal with an issue unless you know what it is. For me it was denial of my inner needs and my baked-in upbringing saying those needs were perverted and worse.

That upbringing and my perceptions caused stress.

My number 1 tip – is see a trained psychologist and talk through your stresses. This will if you are anything like me, put a totally different perspective on everything.

That was so helpful to me that it probably saved my life. At a time when I thought my life was imploding and my inner self was conflicted and battling with my secret needs, this saved me at multiple levels.

Seek Self Love – this sounds corny but it is true. It comes as a result of fundamentally knowing that your secret BDSM needs do not make you a bad person.

You will still be the same old person but in slaking that inner need, you will be more at peace and maye even a better person.

Removing that inner tension and gaining stability allows and then gives clarity. It is much easier to see the beautiful things in life and around you.  And being corny again, being at peace and ease makes it easier to give love.

Reject denial – it is toxic as denial just lets a problem linger, fester, rot inside you. None of those things help.

One tip from my own experience – I get ‘acid tummy’ when I deny my needs. That is a sure sign for me.

Where possible, involve a significant other – and for me that was a HUGE hurdle.

I do not recommend it wholeheartedly for everyone as quite frankly it can be challenging for a partner to accept. I feel it could easily be a relationship breaker.

The thing is, if you don’t, are you living a lie? Are you being honest with them? That in itself creates stress particularly if you love the other person.

For me, I decided that I must either break the relationship or come out to my needs and grow from there. Living as I had been was not an  option and not being true to either of us.

My partner then found I was just the same loving person as before and maybe even more so as I was and still am so grateful for the acceptance. Maybe it also explained me a little better. Understanding is never a bad thing to have.

Coming out to a group of friends or work colleagues is a different thing. I’ve not done that and can’t advise. I can see the advantages – and the disadvantages.

Sex and BDSM needs to be understood in the context of the relationship if you are coming out to BDSM.

For me that was easy. I don’t mix the two so it was far easier for my partner to accept that. My partner didn’t want to be involved in my BDSM at all so that again meant I kept having pro-domme sessions elsewhere and the no-sex rule for me works well.

For you? Was this any benefit? I hope so. All I can do is write as if I were giving my three+ decade-ago self some  options and advice.

Do you have a story you would like to share? I am always happy to hear from readers.


Mental Health and BDSM

Mental Health - BDSM - Coping Strateges

All my life, this has been a serious issue for me. The tag line for this website “silent quivers, secret passions” should give a hint to this.

Mental Health

I have been struggling with my mental health in 2021 – and now that the end of the year is near I decided to do a series of post on this topic.

Yes, for me, depression is never far away. Sometimes I think I’m a high-functioning-depressive in that I try my best to ignore it, to wish it away, but in the end I know it is a losing battle.

I know when my mental health is declining, I start projects then stop them just short of finishing. I then end up with myriad really annoying things ‘that just need a little time’ to finish. But my mental state prevents me, and that annoys me and pushes my mental state downward in a spiral.

For that reason I’ll also give my coping strategies and of course, BDSM is at the heart of it all.

New Femdom Domestic Discipline Series

Femdom Domestic Discipline Series Preview

I am massively guilty of starting writing on a series then not finishing or not publishing when I know I should.

So, this post will hurry me a long. Here is an excerpt from a new series that just needs the finishing touches before I publish it.

I hope you like it.

Barrys Friday Maintenance

After Barry and Jo had been married for a few years they fell into the same old routine of a married couple, but it started to lose it spark, its special qualities that kept them as a couple. The sex and the intimacy had been great and particularly when they’d met at Uni, but after a while it eventually wore off.

Jo had been the first to state the obvious, “What’s wrong with us? We seem to be drifting apart,” and Barry had nodded. “Sweetheart,” he said, “we seem to be getting into a rut. I’ve, ah, been thinking of spicing it up a bit.”

After a lot of discussion and more than a few shocks for Jo, Barry had explained his hidden kink. He talked about his feeling of ‘almost a loss sweetheart, of something missing’ as he explained it and how it had been consuming him. Barry admitted to watching porn on his computer and wanking off to it, then when he showed Jo, showed her the kinds of porn he was drawn to they had some long discussions. At one stage they talked about breaking up but they both loved each other so much and they both wanted to stay together, but as Barry said, ‘sweetheart, it, this thing, this is coming between us,’ so they worked on it and found a way to make it work.

This opened a whole new world for Jo, something she would never have dreamed of in a million years, but it somehow resonated with a part of her deep inside and clearly it did with Barry.

All of a sudden she realized why they got on so well, why Barry was so attentive and wanted to please her so much and why he put her first so often. It explained why she was the defacto leader in the relationship and it was her who often drove the conversation, the lifestyle and the dynamic within their marriage.

The Maintenance

It was Friday night and Barry was looking forward to the night out. He and his wife Jo tried to get out once a week and despite their busy lifestyles in finance and accountancy, they usually managed it.

This week they were meeting up with Amanda and Frank, friends from their early university days. They’d not seen them in at least a few years and truth be told, they were both in slight awe of them. Amanda and Frank really had achieved well, Frank was the CFO of a large organization and Amanda was the CEO at the same place and they looked to be raking in the money considering their lifestyle. Also truth be told, Barry was a little in awe of Amanda as she was so definite, strong, and absolutely no nonsense. He wondered at the dynamic in their relationship at home as after all he and Jo had what many would consider an unusual system. But it worked and that was what mattered to them both.

His reverie about the night to come was cut short when he heard, “Barry, come in here please darling,” Jo called from their bedroom. She’d left to get ready a little while ago and even though it was two hours till they were scheduled to meet Amanda and Frank, Jo liked to try on different outfits and take her time. Maybe she wanted some ideas or feedback on the outfits she’d chosen, he reasoned.

On entering the master bedroom he saw plenty of Jo’s clothes on the bed, ‘so that must be it’ he thought but then he noticed something else which made all other thoughts evaporate. Jo was holding her XH tawse from MC Customs, the supremely painful three tail leather strap that she’d come to love using and he’d come to dread.

“Pop your clothes off darling,” she said with a smile. She pointed the strap at the carpet at the end of their bed, “Then just kneel there please. I’m thinking you could do with a maintenance and I feel like a heart starter for the night. Quickly now,” she said.

Sometimes he regretted their marital discipline relationship as he stripped off. He folded then put his clothes on the end of the bed, neatly, as that had been strapped into him many times, then he knelt on the floor where she’d pointed.

Kneeling and naked, looking up at his lovely wife dressed only in a bra and g-string he felt his cock erecting, and particularly so when he watched her running the leather of that split strap between her hands, caressing the leather as she smiled. Over the last little while Jo had developed quite an aptitude for erotic tease and also, he suspect, a blooming leather fetish. Not that he minded at all, it added a spice to the whole maintenance thing.

Jo walked to stand beside him then she bent so a bra covered breast was in his face, her scent and her perfume strong in his nose, “Tonight when we are at dinner you can think of this,” she said.

His erection was now straining as he nuzzled the bra covered delight of his wife. He loved her breasts and them being in a bra seemed to make them all that much more sensuous and erotic.

Hands UP,” she said firmly with her face next to his.

He lifted his left hand up to kneeling face height then supported it with his right. His wife quickly moved in front so he was now looking over the top of his palm at his wife in her bra and g-string holding her strap. The imminent pain of what was coming was now tempered by the sight of his wife and her strap, as it always did.

With a smile she flicked the three tailed strap up onto his palm then moved back till her arm was nearly straight with the strap extending out and down across his palm and onto his fingers, just laying there feeling menacing and cool. Jo liked to tease, to flick the strap up so he could feel it and anticipate what was to come. Sometimes she would pull the strap off, raise it, then lower it and again gently flick it up to sit there, taking her time, drawing it out, ramping up his feelings as he waited for the strapping to start.

This really did focus the mind. His palm at face height meant he was looking at it, and the end of the strap and along the leather to his wife in front of him in her bra and g-string. She looked damned hot but also dreadfully severe.

“Hands flat, look at me, keep them still,” Jo said sharply and not really needing to say, but they’d talked about this and the theater of the strapping was enhanced by her saying that and she seemed to like doing it. Then after a moment the strap was pulled back then flicked up high and over behind her bare shoulder. This really did focus the mind.

Jo usually took her time with a hand strapping so that he had time to appreciate each stroke, she said, and also to appreciate her she also said. He sure did. It absolutely captivating his mind being in this position and it left nothing to the imagination.

Six Of The Best

— to be continued very soon —