Christmas time can be a time of feeling lonely, feeling lost and neglected. The solution is often seen as dating, finding that someone nice to be with and even if only for a short term.
Adding BDSM needs into the mix adds a significant complication. Looking back on my life and with the bias from an upbringing in decidedly non-enlightened times, what advice would I give myself on dating today?
Life is very different now providing so many options.
It all comes back to what you want in dating.
Sex? A short term or long term relationship? A life partner?
You Need To Define What You Want
A great self help book I read said that you can’t hit a target unless you can see it. What simple and obviously good advice that is.
So it is with relationships. What are you after and what BDSM type interaction and or disclosure are you wanting?
Now I realize there are many dating Apps out there and more than a few cater for the BDSM and other communities. Well done them!
But not all relationships happen through an App – and even when one does, how do you deal with disclosure? What do you do if you see that someone special on a non-kink friendly site? Do you disclose? When? How? Why? What are the consequences?
When - and Should - you Disclose?
If you’re looking for a hard and fast recipe – forget it.
No two people and situations will be the same. Sorry to state the bleeding obvious and you probably know that anyway.
If you are on a first date with someone from work and you disclose and it ends badly – well that is just a recipe for your private needs to spread where you probably don’t want.
If you are not sure about the person and quite frankly suspect they are not kink-friendly then hey, it might be a great idea to ease into the conversation about it. If it scares them off then that is almost a win-win. No harm no foul. You can still maybe be friends but acknowledge a relationship breaker. I’d much rayther have the pain of a breakup earl rather than later.
Honesty matters to me. Being dishonest with someone when emotions are involved really is not nice and I wouldn’t want it to happen to me. This needs to be balanced with ‘the right time’ in disclosure.
A difficult situation is where you date someone and after a few dates and maybe after some intimacy you open up. You are into them, thery are into you… so what could go wrong?
The answer is you must look at the situation. How is that person going to deal with it – can you assure them that the BDSM side is complimentary and not an overwhelming thing (supposing it is that way for you) and that hey, they can maybe enjoy it also.
Of course it all depends on if you want the relationship to endure and the person.
My Own Experience
I re-entered the dating scene after a relationship problem. I swore to myself I would never date someone without disclosing my special BDSM needs.
The results were surprisingly positive.
I was looking for a relationship, long term and those where the people I was seeking. I don’t know if that coloured the experience.
I found 100% support from my dates. Their focus was to find someone loving, caring, supporting and most of all someone who they felt comfortable happy and secure around. My BDSM side was seen as something maybe a little odd, maybe strange, maybe out there, but for them it was peripheral to the whole package.
I never disclosed on a first date. I wanted to find out just what the person was like first. Some I never saw again because they just were not right for me.
Personality was more important. Being able to talk, communicate with, have some fun and shared interests and just be compatible vastly overwhelmed the BDSM side. That surprised me. Yet again my upbringing let me down.
One date resulted in intimacy very quickly before I could disclose, then burned out naturally. BDSM wasn’t mentioned.
Another date burned out naturally prior to intimacy, then we both found out we had shared BDSM interests, but the spark wasn’t there. That was kind of annoying but no big deal.
Some of the experiences were sad also. One person said an ex-partner used to beat them so badly that they’d get blood on the shirt that couldn’t hidden from a daughter. That hiding the blood was the main concern was horrifying – that it was put up with it was truly sad and even worse. Their needs were to find love and a partner. My BDSM just didn’t rate and the trauma of disclosure was all in my head. Yet again.
Another person was genuinely lonely and struggling with life alone. For them the BDSM was exotic, odd, strange, but again nowhere near as important as all the normal relationship things.
The key takeaway I found was that if there is that spark of attraction, that feeling that there may be some hope of a relationship, the BDSM thing just wasn’t the deal breaker I thought.
How Is That First Date Going?
If it is going well but you’re not sure?
If you meet then have a first date with someone and the date is going well, what are the consequences of disclosing your particular BDSM needs? Any why hurry it?
If the other person is horrified or supportive and interested then those are simple consequences and you can terminate or move forward from there. No big deal, one date and you know where you are headed.
Frankly – if they are horrified and the date ends abruptly then it means you may have done it badly, and also most likely that person is not for you. If you didn’t disclose you’ll end up in denial and that is not great.
Also likely is that the person you are talking with won’t have much of an idea about BDSM and also likely is that you’ll not define it all that well in the stress of the moment. From there misunderstanding will rule and the outcome is probably far from what you want.
My suggestion? I’d wait for another date or two. Why hurry? Is there that spark of attraction? Has the relationship got legs, will it progress? If the answer is yes then you will know the person better, be in a better position to disclose and hopefully get a more positive response.
Of Course There Is More To this
I’ve focused on the BDSM side of dating – and that from my experience was only a small part of the equation.
Clearly other aspects were more imnportant.
Again my advice (and I can’t help myself) is to not get hung up on the BDSM side.
The real questions become if there is that spark of attraction and what are the things that each person brings into and wants out of the relationship both positive and negative.
I truly wish you well.
‘Trikki