Trikki Update – From The Heart

Wrist Bondage

The year 2022 was not great for me. I’m inclined toward depression which was a problem for me then, and added to that has been the new and rather unpleasant experience of panic attacks.

“Why?” I ask myself. I can’t find a real reason other than maybe it is a culmination of things like getting older, financial uncertainty and not having as much money as I want and the feelings of my mortality.

I had some illness which comparatively speaking is nothing major and compared to others around me was quite mild. But to me it mattered, it shook me.

I remember coming into 2022 thinking that after the last two terrible pandemic years that 2022 could not be worse. I felt positive and upbeat. But it didn’t last. It seemed to be a long cold year that just dragged on and on. I felt it was a year without colour, without pleasure, a year where I struggled to find direction and satisfaction. I think in hindsight that 2022 was indeed worse than the 2 previous.

I had 2 BDSM sessions in 2022 which for me was not a lot. Maybe that was a contributing factor in that my internal balance was not as it should have been, that my special needs weren’t being met. Or was it that I felt so crap that BDSM sessions just didn’t happen?

But now we are 3 months into 2023. Work has been busy, my health has been kind of OK yet I’ve hardly posted anything here.

What About BDSM Sessions?

Again, I’m keenly feeling the absence of a BDSM session, so I’m booking myself in for 13 April with the Mistress I’ve been seeing for the last few years.

She’s exceptional and gets right into the whole corporal with fetish and bondage things.

I like ‘theatre’ in my sessions, the Mistress telling her slave she is going to ‘give you a strapping‘ and she is ‘going to use my belt on you‘ – all that kind of thing. Coming as it does from a drop dead gorgeous leather clad Mistress in a BDSM dungeon it is amazing.

I’m going to ask that it be heavy with an excess of belting, strapping and tawsing and caning. She has her own prison strap, and I have one, I think there will be some comparisons done. I want to really be extended, pulled out of my comfort zone. Bring it on.

What's Coming?

It all depends on my mood and time. If I can lift myself out of this doldrums of the spirit I regularly find myself in, expect quite a lot more content.

I am so close to finishing some stores – see below – and maybe some more regular posts on various BDSM things will happen. BDSM and the ageing process comes to mind as it is topical for me.

Just recently I heavily updated the post “How To Give A Hand Strapping” – it is worth a look as it now has links to videos on the topic. There is a post for that coming in a day or less.

In truth… I have absolutely no idea what next month holds, let alone the rest of the year.

What About Stories?

Over the last 12+ months I’ve written quite a lot. The two main genres have been the female led marriage and self bondage. Both have quite a bit of belt bondage and corporal making the sex rather steamy.

Keep your eyes out for them. I’ll publish some snippets here reasonably soon – with full novels on Amazon to follow.

For now – stay safe – play sane.

Session Booked for 28 October 2022

Ms Smeet

Choosing the featured image was difficult. I’ve used them all before I am sure – but the one of the dominatrix in the dungeon does my upcoming session BDSM justice.

I wonder – where else can you read about real BDSM sessions? It is a very private activity – not many people admit to them.

I’m halfway tempted to take my camera to this next session and ask Mistress to snap a few pics. Maybe some before and after pics of my butt?

Anyway. Back to topic.

So after far too many months of not having a session, I booked myself in to see Mistress on Friday. My wife pushed me a little – as she knows I’m feeling pretty low. I am prone to depression and while I don’t think I’m there yet, it’s feeling like it’s looming unless I do something.

By the time this is published I’ll most likely be sitting at a cafe coming down from the most extraordinary of experiences a person can have. And my bum will look like it’s been well strapped and caned, because it will have been!

Can you imagine having something so special, so central to your life, that you think about far too often – and then you make it come true. Well, that is what Mistress will be doing for me on Friday.

She is a superb Mistress for many reasons. Perhaps for the BDSM it is that she listens, she interprets my needs and wants really well and she clearly enjoys her profession. She gets right into the session and being with her in the session is special.

Her personality really brings it home. We meet, we have a lovely chat, she is just plain delightful to talk to. Then in session she is the strict leather clad dominatrix disciplining her slave.

How Will The Session Proceed?

I’ve been having sessions for nearly 2 decades now. Each has been different and all have strong similarities.

I think this will be a ‘standard’ kind of session.

Lots Of Strapping

many tawse

Plenty Of BDSM


All sessions start similarly.

I’ll meet with Mistress and we’ll chat. We’ll discuss what I want in the session and then Mistress will lead me to the dungeon. I’ll setup my gear, have a shower, prepare myself then await Mistress.

This is the most delicious of times, the waiting. I’ve arrived. It is going to happen. I can feel myself changing.

All my senses will be sparking off. My hearing will be acute, my mind will be firmly in the dungeon as I wait. The scent of all the leather gear will be strong and I’ll feel the self-bondage I’m in pushing me into the universe of sub-space even before Mistress arrives.

When Mistress enters she’ll start off with a hand strapping. She’ll use a light school strap, standing right in front of me wearing wide leather belts that push deep into my fetish and into my fantasy. Then she’ll strap me. The strap will flick up onto my palm and lay there for a moment. Then she’ll pull it back and off. Maybe she’ll repeat that, Maybe not. Then the strap will crack down, I’ll try to show no reaction, and she’ll strap me again and again. Then she’ll use something else, maybe the end of a belt, maybe a light tawse, and she’ll use it harder and harder. Then she’ll use the XH tawse and I know she will destroy me. That is what an XH tawse wielded with power does.

After that… well that depends on me posting an update. But there will be a lot of bondage, belting, tawsing, strapping, caning and prison strapping. It will be the full corporal experience. When I made the booking, I told the reception person I was wanting ‘excessive corporal‘ which made her chuckle.

The time in session will be sadly over far too soon and I know I’ll be disappointed when it’s over. The drive away from the venue will be ‘floaty-sad’ for me as I know I won’t be having another session soon and I know I’ll be missing it more and more as the weeks pass.

I’ll be playing safe and hard – ‘Trikki

BDSM and Site Popularity

I created Silent Quivers, this site, a few years ago as a place to publish stories and provide some topical information on the BDSM kink I enjoy.

I had high hopes it would help people, as well as perhaps to entertain.

I also set about putting up what I thought was helpful information for people like me who maybe struggled with this secret passion.

I know this internal battle I feel between the logical side and my fetish and kink needs gives me a lot of trouble. At times I truly am almost quivering in my need. I had that for over 3 decades before I had my first ever BDSM session.

So Where Is This Site Going?

I don’t know. I don’t have a real plan. I wish I did. I am kind of using this post to help me make up my mind.

I’ve had a lot of pleasure from a few people who contacted me and thanked me for the information, taking the time, and showing them there are others out there like themselves.

There is no advertising on the site – and I do get approached for that. Not advertizing is deliberate – this is about something that is so private and dear to me and I don’t want to pollute or degrade the experience for others. But some money would be nice!

Some days I feel like scrapping the site and saving the hosting fees. At others I quite enjoy writing a post and then updating it later.

I’ve gone months without posting, and then post a few things in a week or two (like now). I have no schedule and that probably shows.

I have met a few people like myself through this site, only males, which is a little disappointing. But it really is pleasing when contact is made.

Some are into caning, others into hand strapping and tawsing and there are even a few domestic discipline readers (note to self – I must finish the story I have on this topic). But there is always a common theme of corporal punishment filling a need.

I do enjoy all the comments and feedback I get. Maybe if this dries up I’ll delete the site.

Why No New Stories?

It has been a while I’ll admit.

I absolutely enjoy writing about BDSM and my special kind of kink focused stories. I have a huge collection of them partially written, not finished, waiting for me to do some work on them. You get the idea!

Yes. I start something then don’t finish. That’s a huge problem.

For example, the “Femdom Riding Academy” is 12,000 words, and “Whip Mistress Transitions” is another 12,000 words, and “Naughty Solo Nancy” is 38,000 words. “Cyber Red Wire” is 35,000 words. I even wrote a “TED Talk” and re-wrote it 4 times detailing my life into these silent quivers – the journey from teen to senior. I gave the talk a half dozen times in a private time as if I was presenting to an audience, tweaking it for delivery and flow. That was challenging and enlightening.

The problem is I start, slam out thousands of words then something else comes to mind and I move on to work on that for a time.

Sorry! If you are wanting stores, they are there, just not finished. Yet.

Maybe if I got a little more encouragement I might finish some.

How Popular Is Silent Quivers?

I get anywhere from 20 to 100 impressions a day. This is the number of times the site comes up in an internet search and is shown to someone.

Google reports I get from 10 to 20 clicks a day for the last 2 months which results in an average of 13.3% clicks to views. Prior to that clicks could be as low as zero and as high as 20 again but the percentage was similar, and it is similar over 12 months.

These last few months have been more steady with higher regular clicks per day. I have no idea why that is happening – but the site is slowly growing. I think it is doing about double the traffic from 2 years go approx.

I’m looking at the most popular postings that are found by searches. It varies between three common searches.

Hand tawsing and strapping – is a very popular search. These lead to informative real life articles as well as fiction.

Cold caning – is another popular search and the posts on this get more trafic than most. I have one more in the pipeline for posting in a week or so (a fine plan that!).

Stories comes a close third. Users of the site probably search for one thing, then move to the stores to see what it’s all about.

But It is All About The Journey

Yep. I forget that so often.

I had my last session maybe 6 months ago now. I only had 2 during 2021 and COVID, work, depression and enduring life’s burden does weigh heavily on me.

Today I was feeling pretty low. The ‘black dog of depression‘ has been snapping at my heels for a while now. I commented to my wife I really am missing my secret hobby (she knows exactly what this is) and she told be to ‘just go and get it done‘ for which my love for her just blooms.

My fear is that I am feeling it would be an escape at this time of my life, putting my head in the sand. I would be just avoiding some of the issues we are facing and not addressing them properly.

Then again it would centre me, relieve me of stress and make me feel calm and relaxed and balanced again. I coul face the world with bright eyes, a calmed mind and a new attitude.

Damn! I’m arguing with myself again, never a great sign of mental balance because that is how I feel.

I truly envy those who can ‘just go and get things done‘ and storm through life without these silly internal conflicts.

But I do need the escape.

Silent Quivers helps in all this. I agonize, I write, I blather on about life and needs and kink – and it helps. Maybe it is a kind of public agony column and diary?

Just writing those words above makes me think.

If You've Read This Far....

You need a medal for perserverence!

Silent Quivers will be around for another year – the hosting fees are due soon and I’ll pay them. I’ll re-evaluate next year.

Thanks for being here.

Play safe, play sane – ‘Trikki

Real And Fantasy BDSM Posts

I hope that the lines between fact, real life and fiction in this site have not become blurred.

I was recently contacted by a reader. I was slow, very slow in responding – then I got an email that I felt was the result of the reader feeling I had ignored him, or I am a complete faker. ‘Fake’ was the word used. He sounded rather upset at me.

I freely admit I was slow – and there are reasons I won’t go into – but I was slow.

Well, I then sent an apology, went into some detail about what I’ve been up to – and of course I’ve heard no more from this person.

Maybe my email went into his spam folder- so I won’t judge.

I also emailed a Mistress wanting a slave for a photo shoot. She didn’t respond either.


Red Hood Hand Strapping

Fake? Fiction? Role play? Does it matter?

Role Play And BDSM

Role play is something I love – and it bears zero relationship with real life. I just love the strict mistress ordering me to put up my hands then she measures the belt, the strap, the tawse across my hands then she uses it. It is all about my fantasy and my needs for corporal punishment.

To live out the fantasy, to make it come true and have it meet expectations is so powerful.

Speaking From the Heart

I do tend to agonize far too much over this BDSM thing that has been in my life for half a century now.

I would hope those posts, just like this one, are easily seen and understood to be about a real person and a real life.

Real life can be such a difficult place to inhabit. Sometimes my need for BDSM controls me in its strength. It truly is my silent quiver, my secret passion.

My logical brain that is the me for my everyday persona of being a husband, a brother, a father all go counter to my needs for BDSM and what I need in that BDSM. This causes mental friction, a mental imbalance.

I know if I go without it I get cranky and ‘difficult’ my wife says. Then when I have it, I find the attraction to be massively lessened and I question my sanity – but that doesn’t last long as the need rises again.

Why on earth would someone want to be put into tight leather bondage then be given corporal punishment by a dominatrix, given it so hard that the skin often breaks and bruises last a week? That feels soo illogical, yet it also becomes so necessary for me.

The answers to that can only be understood properly by someone like myself who needs that experience. All I can do is give the same answers many ways, over many different posts and hope they make sense.

Sure my BDSM is a retreat, an escape, an endorphin rush, a slaking of the deep fetish – but it is absolutely a strong need that waxes and wanes as time passes.

For me my BDSM sessions with a great Mistress turn fantasy into reality for a short time. They are immersive, filling me totally, leaving me completely surrendering to the experience. Nothng else, no one else, the session with the Mistress and the bondage and corporal are everything .

It could almost be called the ultimate escape.  The sessions being a sensory and emotional overload.

My fantasy of being in tight leather belt bondage then to be disciplined by a strict leather clad dominatrix is so very strong. Mistress makes it happen.

I once saw BDSM sessions described as ‘Private Theatre’ and there is a strong element of truth to this.

Is this fake of me writing about my bdsm sessions? No. I doubt I could write about this for so long and in so manty ways if I was making it up.

I sit here now thinking about my previous session, and about my next session. I am seriously debatiung if I should have anothe cold caning and cold prison strapping session. That extreme experience is calling me. Yet at the same time I want to see the Mistress take a belt off, fold it over then use it. I want to prolong the experience, and the contradictions within me make it difficult.

I feel the need within me deep and strong making itself felt all through me. I long for that drive to the venue, that wait in reception for Mistress, our discussion is a highlight, then that short walk as I follow Mistress into the dungeon. I long for that anticipation of each phase of having a session.

Of course my stories are another matter entirely. While they may have some small basis in fact, in real life, they in general are massively the works of kinky fiction.

Play safe, play happy – ‘Trikki.

Recovering from various and dreaded viruses

Well it happened at long last. Not long after my last post I started to feel poorly, then worse, then of course the RAT test showed the line. Yes. I was in covid-land and not a happy camper

The first few days were awful, really awful. Even having the light on in the bedroom was difficult and the headache was a killer. But at about day 4 I started to feel better and by day 7 I was fine and the RAT test said I was pretty much free of it.

So that was a delight (not) and someting to get past. I’d joined the ranks of covid surviors. I suppose it could have been worse.

Then, after a few weeks of final recovery and feeling rather pleased with myself, I of course for the flu. And it was worse than the covid. I was a full week plus bed ridden and pretty much incapacitated. Then another three weeks was required before I could push the mower and do the gardening again. The slow recovery felt like glandular fever all over again, but eventually it wore off.

So that was it for the year I thought. Of course. How could I have more I said to myself.

And of course how wrong I was. Silly me. I got another virus of some kind, vastly less bad than both the previous but enough to stop me from working and using the computer. By day 6 I was feeling better but a little light headed. Again, it was a full 2 weeks to recover.

So What Comes Next?

Hopefully no more of these little monsters!

How can something so small cause so much trouble (and yes I know the reason) – it just all out of proportion though.

Dreaded Virus

I’ve had a few emails from readers – thank you. I’ll address those shortly. A recent one was quite disjointed and reminded me of me – of course – when times of great need bring a certain scattiness to my writing.

I’ve noticed that hand strapping and tawsing has been the most searched for thing that lands readers on this site.

I of course thought there would be little interest – and just like catching yet another virus – how wrong I was. Therefore, I’ll publish some more on this at regular intervals.

One thing I could do at times as I recovered was work on some writings. For some reason the domestic discipline female led genre has really been appealing. I’ve got a few stories of a few thousand words each in the pipeline. I’ll publish snippets here and probably publish the full stories on Amazon under the Trikki Watson label.

Finally, and after just coming out of a lovely self bondage session that’s left me floating and happy, I’ll be having a pro-domme session as soon as I can. I am really tempted to prolong it a little and have some ideas for new things. After having sessions since 2005, finding new things for sessions can be tricky.

play safe, play happy  – Trikki’

Depression – Anxiety – Panic Attacks

Alone In A Crowd

Depression, Panic, Anxiety And BDSM

Feeling crap? Did the COVID thing leave you feeling lost, vulnerable and depressed? Has life lost its shine?
I’ve written about this before, probably a few times. This is a much longer version with little kink – just a few top view type references.
I have deliberately not re-read those older blog posts. This is about me now, how I have been functioning with my now-time perspectives. There may well be contradictions if you compare blog posts. As I feel right now, I am sure there should be.

This is hard, emotionally and intellectually, particularly now as I’m not feeling the greatest.

Admitting some things that are usually kept internalized is difficult. I do tend to go into denial and suffer in silence till it all gets too much just like it did in April and May. This is about my mental health journey this year. It has not been a great journey.

I’m writing this as partly an exercise to look within myself to more better know and understand – and also in the hope it may help others. If so, then that makes it all worthwhile. Some feedback would be appreciated.

On that, feedback, I do get some, maybe a few emails a month and that sustains me particularly in the dark days when life does lose its vibrancy and pleasure.

The Year 2022

I’d like to put the blame for my low moods on the pandemic and lock-downs and the changes to society we’ve seen in the previous two years. As I get older I fear change. It rocks my reality a bit as maybe I’m becoming less flexible. But the pandemic caused changes that were particularly trying. I noticed it gave people a sense of paranoia, distrust, and fear. The fear was awful. If you were out in the street, no one would come near you and any contact at all was shunned. That is not the kind of normal life I grew up with.

But I can’t blame the pandemic much as I want to. It was a factor, not the root cause.

I’ve always had a weakness for depression and I’ve had the very occasional panic and anxiety attack years before the pandemic. So the pleasure of having something external to blame is denied me.

I’ve always looked at blame as a negative trait, a negative experience. It tries to shift responsibility away from ones-self and gives power over myself to someone or something else. I am responsible for me, for my journey and that has always been a mantra.

I can understand the relief, the release, the pleasure and the raw desire of not having myself held responsible for problems or for how I feel. But that is wrong. I can’t in honesty try that route.

I’m sure the pandemic was a contributor though. It hit a nerve, a receptor in me, it was the thin edge of the wedge that pried up the lid of Pandora’s box of mental health issues.

I came into year 2022 reasonably happy and looking forward to a better year. I said to myself, “2020 and 2021 have been awful. 2022 cannot be worse,” and that was the starting point. I came into the year feeling positive.

I had the mental image, this idyllic image of 2022 being happy, a rebuilding year full of positives.

Over the following weeks as we came out of the slump from the pandemic and came to terms with the new face of society dealing with COVID I just didn’t bounce-back. The economy seemed to be nervous to say the least then that too started to lift, but the lift was short termed and meager.

Sometimes I hate the media. They love to make a prediction of recession and doom and gloom. They seem to almost gloat in it, and then I just have this feeling they promote it so much that it comes true. I could do without that.

But my spirits started to get better. I started to feel like it was all going to be good.

Then Ukraine happened late February and that was upsetting.

Then soon after that for some reason, and I know I have no right to feel poorly, my moods darkened. It became a spiral downward where the feelings of impending doom grew. I could feel a tremor in my chest at times that lasted maybe a half hour, a tremor of deep anxiety and panic. It wasn’t a heart attack, but it felt like all the worst cases of nerves I ever had condensed flood into me.

I could feel like I was almost vibrating. I felt that a panic attack was happening and it was threatening to take over.

If you said it was like adrenaline but in a bad way, you’d be right.

Of course with me being the cave-dweller that I am (and regrettably so) I did nothing about it. Ahh dear, you’d think I’d have learned by now. The symptoms started to pile up over the following months till diarrhea, stomach upset and being ‘nervy’ were all happening day in-day out.

My mental health was poor. I was struggling.

One thing I found particularly strong was the absence of “joy” – there was none. Life was filled with black and whites and grays, the color was missing. The things I’d done previously that gave me pleasure really didn’t call. I wanted to retreat, to somehow escape from the darkness filled with panic and anxiety.

Also there was a listlessness to me. I couldn’t finish tasks, I struggled to be productive.

Giving Up The Power

Looking back, I gave up power over myself. I let other factors dominate me, pull me back, to dominate and control me.

“Get a grip on yourself” is terrible advice as it is damn near impossible and totally misses how a person is able to deal with the issues internally, but it would have been the cure.

Mental health skews our perceptions, my perceptions. I see and experience everything through a filter that is unhealthy and not based on reality. My emotions sit on a wobbly foundation. What was normal becomes a problem, what is real is diminished and then unfounded fears loom up and assume significance.

The Dark tunnel – In my worst days

I once said that I felt like there was a huge dark tunnel in front of me.

Like the side of a mountain with a dark tunnel going into it.

I am standing stock still some distance away, totally still, my arms and legs not moving.

I can’t move. Yet I am being pulled toward this dark tunnel. And that is terrifying.

It is as if I just had to be there. My legs weren’t moving, the landscape is pulling me in like on a travelator.

I found that damn scary. The inevitability of it all, the lack of control, the powerlessness of it sucking me into oblivion.

Being An Observer – Not a participant

Another aspect to depression I felt was that I became divorced from first-person reality.

I looked in on myself. I felt like a spectator to my life, as if things around me weren’t all that real or all that important.

I could have happily walked away from my life and gone into a monastery if I had truly believed I would have left those feeling behind. Or if I had the opportunity.

Sometimes self harm has not been far away.

That ‘dark tunnel’ feeling I had was both first-person – I was experiencing it directly and it was terrifying. Yet strangely at the same time it was also third person – I was looking down on it as it happened to me. It was a duality of feeling.

Again. I had this duality of self happening. It it was not a good experience.

Professional Help – My Doctor

My doctor is absolutely the very best person, and the very first person I go to when it all gets to the point that my life strategies aren’t working.


If you feel it is all a bit of a problem – then my strongest advice is to go there quickly.

Talk Therapy

I was skeptical. I was quite wrong.

A few years ago I discovered how effective this is. I can understand why my doctor recommended it, and I can understand why it can be so effective for so many people.

Talking about my anxiety, panic and depression helped. I found a great psychologist who I bonded with and the experience was great.

The thing is, she saw my life from a different viewpoint, from a far better connection to reality. Me describing what was happening in my life, with the words coming out of my own mouth in responses to her questions were powerful. In answering, me myself and I affirmed that life was not that bad. But it took a while.

Below this and at the foundation, now that I think about it, she pushed my intellectual and analytic side to the surface. That took over from the poorly functioning emotional side and it saw life much more clearly. That was no small thing.

She has the ability to ask questions that make me reflect, analyze, think about what truly is happening around me and to challenge my emotionally compromised perceptions.

Her question, “What do you really have to feel panic about” was so correct and topical.

It was blindingly simple, so simple my mental state just could not cope with doing that by itself.

It was a bit stark too, I was feeling awful and I felt so challenged by the simple question. How could she not know? And my answers were telling and stupid. Then they got better. She pulled and pushed at me to get that mental shift I needed.

Her viewpoint of me having a loving and supporting wife and family, being professionally employed with good prospects and having a lifestyle that was not filled full of trauma really was enviable to her, and I suppose to so many others.

I truly am blessed with the relationships around me. I couldn’t see it.

What she did was to make me realize that the reality I had been feeling was false. This was a direct attack on the root cause of my depression and panic etc attacks.

Her questions and my answers stabbed a bright shaft of logic, of actual reality into the deep dark places that I’d been living in.

That was a good experience. I came out of each therapy session feeling positive and feeling that life really wasn’t so bad.

And that was late in 2019. How the years fly. I still remember my last visit and feeling pretty good about myself.

Then The Pandemic

It was a slow slinking stealthy kind of decline I felt, I suffered. There was no one thing, no one day that I can say “this was the day.”

We don’t go out a hell of a lot, we are an inward looking family but all of a sudden we couldn’t even go out to dinner or travel or go shopping – as most shops were shut and we had a distance limit on travel.

As the days of shock at lock-down turned into weeks then months then years it eroded me. It wore me down. I was weakened I think. My stable base became wafer thin.

Yes. That analogy I used of it being the thin edge of the wedge that found a weakness in me is true and correct.

It Is Like A Cancer

I was going to say a fire that smolders then flares up time and again, or similar. But cancer is such an ugly thing that it more truly reflects how depression, anxiety and panic attacks can hit and then fester.

As a wise person once said, “to fester is to rot” and wow is that correct – depression feeds on itself, generates other negative feelings and forms a positive feedback downward spiral loop.

I found that talk therapy was very good. I came away from each session feeling that a weight had been lifted, that I’d made progress.

And I went every week for 6 weeks.

Then the pandemic hit. I didn’t have any therapy for 2 years and change and that is when those few small cells of cancer-depression started to grow and grow.

Then in 2022 I had the full blown least-wanted symptoms again.

My lifer best practices were failing me. They sound so good, yet I still felt crap.

Where Does the BDSM Fit In?

Mental health for me is all about perceptions and the grip on reality I have. My life-perception-filter changes and gets distorted then my emotional and intellectual selves battle it out with the damaged emotional self winning. It pushes to the top dominating, then depression and the panic and anxiety attacks rule.

BDSM for me is such a big thing in my life. It is at the core of me. In its absence I know my moods go down and I really wouldn’t be surprised if that was a contributing factor to my depression. I find it grounds me, clears my mind and releases me from cares.

In May with my depression and anxiety and panic attacks so bad I was literally feeling quite sick, I booked a BDSM session with the Mistress I’ve been seeing. Then I had to cancel because I really was feeling so poorly.

Then after a week I was able to have that BDSM session.

The relief I felt was extraordinary.

The BDSM Relief

Summary : it floods the senses with a sensory overload, it takes my total attention and it takes me out of this world, it releases me totally. It is a total experience that can’t be denied.

People talk about endirphin rush and sub space and the ability to let go and be dominated. Sure. All of that. But in a way that no one aspect seems to be the answer. It is a total experience. It fills the senses totally.

BDSM for me is all about fantasy, fetish, and the physical sensations that happen in the session. It is a full experience, there is no one aspect of it. I find it all works together.

I find I need a very much ‘heavy’ corporal punishment and bondage type session to make these feelings work. The power of the session directly translates into the feelings of relief.

Being in belt bondage is for me a deep-escape and a profoundly psychological experience. I’ve given up control, I’m restrained, and I’m living my fetish for wide leather belts. I feel a comfort, a “coming home” type experience as I am in the bondage.

At the same time I am in a place, the dungeon, that is unique in the world. It is there that BDSM happens, that nothing else in the world intrudes into and that matters to me. I am a place where my fantasy and fetish are being catered for.

All that matters is in the dungeon. It sits heavily and pushes everything else out. The depression, the panic attack, the anxiety suddenly don’t matter. I am consumed in the dungeon by the experience.

Then I get corporal punishment.

Corporal Punishment As a Transport Not As A Punishment

Corporal adds a whole new depth to the BDSM, bondage and dungeon experience for me.

Some people (my wife in particular) have no idea why this works for me. To them (her) it is incomprehensible. Beyond stange. Truth; it is to me also! It goes against all my growing up principles and societal norms. Yet it works.

Strangely enough I don’t see it as being punished for something – I don’t feel the need to atone or seek some kind of forgiveness from the experience. It is called ‘Corporal Punishment’ but I don’t go there to be punished.

Context and sense of place is everything. I feel I regress in the dungeon when I’m in bondage. Then when Mistress uses a cane, a belt, a strap on me that just makes it far stronger. It is amazingly stronger. It pushes the world away. It is escapism. It is a stimulous of my body, nerves, pain receptors call it what you will, that floods into me.

In my last session I said to mistress, “I don’t see myself as a masochist,” and mistresses response, after giving me heavy corporal was, “you might like to rethink that,” as she is definitely of the opinion I am.

The classical definition of a masochist talks about sexual pleasure. I don’t get that at all. I don’t feel ‘excited’ – rather I find myself withdrawing into the experience, focusing and yet at the same time accepting the pain.

My wife knows about my sessions and I’ve told her there is zero sexual contact. I cannot masturbate or even accept a hand job etc. For me the corporal experience is so strong that the possibility of sexual release is just not there – there is not enough room in me after the BDSM to have a sexual experience.

The progression of the corporal in the session can flow in two ways.

For the session prior to last I asked for a cold prison strapping and then a cold caning. These are particularly challenging as there is no warm up. Warm up with a lighter less painful implement conditions the skin abs also the nerves and the recipient to accept more. It is sort of like easing into the experience. A cold session is nothing like that – it is straight into the most painful implements. It is full on and it pushes all the boundaries. I can promise you it was challenging to accept and yet I felt as if it worked really well. At the time I am struggling to accept it and wanting it to be over yet at the same time not wanting it to stop.

Yes, contradiction is my constant companion. I look forward to it, I struggle to accept it and to endure it, then I’m disappointed when it’s over.

In my last session I had a more conventional session (albeit with 2 apprentices as well as Mistress). Mistress started off with a strapping from a quite supple folded over belt applied firmly. It lifted me onto my toes on the very first stroke, the sting surprising me. She knows I need it applied firmly.

A hard belting to start off with is all about surface sting from this kind of implement, whereas the cane cuts so deeply and the prison strap is a mixture of both and equally as challenging as the cane.

My prison strap is a replica of what was actually used in prisons and one look is all it takes to know what it is designed for.

Sitting here now as I type this I can’t say with any great certainty which is better or worse for my special needs – as I call them. The cold caning and prison strapping is certainly challenging, but that is no great consideration. I think, now with more thought, the conventional session progressing from lighter to more painful implements is better as it leads to a longer session, more strapping and caning. With a cold caning the bottom is more liable to being cut as without the previous strapping it is not warmed up. I prefer the longer duration, the longer experience.

In the months leading up to a session I do indulge in self bondage. I find I can go without the corporal but the effect is much less. I have gone years on just some self-bondage and I find that very satisfying in its own way, but it really is limited. It is just not the same. It’s like watered down milk – the color is a little thin, the taste weak and it’s just not as satisfying.

My wife cannot understand this at all. She sees the absurdity of it, of someone wanting to be hurt or punished and that is all it is to her. Each time we talk about it I tell her that the pain is just one aspect. It can even be a small aspect.

I tell her about a cold caning versus a more conventional experience. These just blow her mnd that I would do that and willingly. And even now, I feel no great aversion to either. If I could only have one type I would not be overly fussed if it was either.

She cannot understand that the pain is a transport. It is a by-product as must as a mechanism in itself.

It sends me. As mistress uses a belt, a strap, the tawse or a cane on me it overwhelms all my senses. The pain is there, it flares up, I have to deal with it and it takes all my energy and all my inner self to deal with it. That is good.

That leaves nothing else for anything else. I am consumed. It consumes me.

We’re taught early in our lives to shun pain. Pain is bad we’re taught, it means something is not right. And I get it, it is the same for me and a cause for my contradictions in my inner self. Yet the pain of corporal punishment is necessary for me to be totally removed from this world and taken to where the depression and anxiety don’t exist.

That is another way to look at it. I’m totally removed from this world and taken to where the depression and anxiety don’t exist.

My pain senses are triggered, they flood and dominate. The crack of the strap, the splat of the tawse and the bite of a cane are impossible to ignore. They are overwhelming. I’m gone, out of the here and now.

I tell my wife, “you can’t think of anything else, or be anywhere else when Mistress is caning me,” and she really struggles to understand.

My fetish is being triggered by the bondage stopping me from movement, and the leather mistress applying the corporal, and my sense of place in the dungeon, a place that only brings relief is bringing it all home.

Trying To Build Resilience

There are three aspects to this from my perspective.

The first is to adopt life practices that reduce the chance of a relapse.

This is clearly, on review, and on review again a week later, the most important part of the process for me.

Nothing beats having life practices that prevent the kinds of issues I’ve had.

For me this is all about my mental attitude to life and the challenges it throws at me. I do tend to be a bit of a dreamer and that does bring the burden of looking at worst case scenarios that usually never happen.

Maybe this does play into my fetish and BDSM life as that is all about shifted realities and fantasy.

What practices am I talking about?

Professional help is never far away. I need to say this. I know they can help and will help, all it takes is me to make the phone call. That is a reassurance that is good to have. They are my lifeline and my fall back and my go to when everything else is just not cutting it.

Reject denial, be honest with myself. I am guilty of this and say to myself and others, “everything is fine” when it plainly is not when I’m almost quivering in stress. I’ve let it get to far and made it far more difficult to deal with. Getting in early by rejecting denial and being honest really is an important life practice.

Affirmations. I find these quite powerful. Saying the words and meaning them helps. For example, saying “I know that everything in the world is going well and I have no need for fear.”

The use of logic. Just sitting down and writing down all the positives in my life really helps. Then I make a list of the problems, the negatives, and all of a suddenly they look so small and meaningless in comparison. I find this to be somewhat weak – if I’m not feeling great then my mental processing power makes this option feel poor – even though it is valuable.

Physical exercise and fitness. This has a huge impact. First of all is sleep, getting a better sleep because I am bodily tired really helps. Then there is the rush of achieving something – be it as simple as puling some weeds, caring for some plants or doing housework that makes me feel better with myself. It does not have to be too much – but it must get me off my butt and actually do something.

Achievement. I gen an endorphin rush from achievement. Small things that I can do to get a “rush of success” and the feeling that I made or did something that was successful is something I really like. Small things that can be completed quickly and not linger are best.

Be gentle with myself. I need to understand that setbacks, that problems, that issues that arise constantly are just small and not consequential. I don’t need to beat myself up for this.

Have a healthy regard for time. Looking back on things, feeling upset at something years ago has always been an issue for me. This is negative and soul destroying. It brings the upset of reliving a hurt or a loss and wishing I’d done things differently or cursing sheer chance. And it is totally pointless. Living in the now, thinking about the best things to come and using logic and good sense to ease into the future are ‘best practices’.

My BDSM side does need to be fulfilled. I cannot deny it. Denial brings stress. I know I can go 3 months, 6 months, 12 months and more but I also know that I miss it more and more. It becomes a constant source of destabilization. Then when I do have a BDSM session, I feel such relief and always say that I need to make it more regular. And I should.

The second is to recognize the onset early, and to have and use the tools I need to deal with them.

I get lazy. I forget. I must bounce into my ‘best practices’ asap.

It is a monitoring function. It needs to be timely. It needs to happen and not allow me to head off into a full blown recurrence.

This is all about being mindful of my state of mental health.

I must combine this with the first practice above.

Part of this is the “maintenance aspect” – that I need to ensure that my life practices are working and then if I sense an issue, to take action.

The third is to be able to deal with an onset and prevent a full blown recurrence. I must not let it linger, to build and strengthen till it is debilitating.

This wraps up the previous 2 steps.

I hit a full blown recurrence with the big-guns.

Over the years there have been various “grades” of depression and related problems I’ve faced. At the worst I’ve had to go to my doctor and been put on medication which was not great but the alternative was worse. Then at times I’ve taken myself off to talk therapy and that has been good.

Professional help really is #1.

Then there are my BDSM sessions. They have given me a profound release when my moods have been so low. I’ve gone into them stressed, feeling nauseous and almost trembling, then when I leave I really am a new me. They seem to clear me, refresh my mental attitude in a way that is hard to describe.

But I will try.

Imagine your best-ever holiday. Imagine how great it felt to be away from everything and to feel so good about it, so relaxed, so divorced from problems and stress. My BDSM sessions in such a short time fulfill that self same function. The experience is so strong, to engrossing, so powerful that I come away a whole new me.”

In Conclusion

Did you read this far? Did it make any sense to you? Did you get anything positive or any help from it? I truly hope so.
This has been an almost cathartic exercise for me. Documenting all this, writing it down puts things into perspective. Also being an introspective (and painfully so) type of person it helps to ground me.
Yes I am a cave-dweller kind of person living in denial given half the chance and that’s not healthy.
Accepting that is a good first step, then having life practices that help are the next step.
My best wishes – ‘Trikki

Session Time – Time To Feel Again

XH Tawse

I had my last session in December 2021 and what a wonderful session it was. I’d asked for a cold caning and cold prison strapping which mistress gave me and pushed me to my limits.

Those initial few strokes were so difficult to take, sending me sky high. The heavy prison strap cracked down then the cane following that cut through it all with a burn that really did test me.

This next session, next week if I can schedule it, will be a little different. I want them all to be different in some way, something new yet at the same time the same fetish and corporal punishment needs are all there.

Bent for the tawse

A two tailed tawse brings up a fine red sheen on a bent set of buttocks. After the prison strap, the tawse can still be felt if used hard which it always is.

Then it can be used on the hands with excellent effect.

A Script For My Next Session

For my next session, this is what I’m going to ask for in the pre-session discussion with the mistress. We’ve had five(?) sessions together now. She is truly excellent, a lovely person, and in session she gets right into it. I admire her abilities and that we can interact so well.

Typically when we meet we talk a little about how life has been to us then after paying the fee I ask her if we can have a session along the following lines.

“Hi Mistress, it’s been about five months since my last session and I’m thinking about a session like this please.

Can we split it into a few parts as usual.

The first part I’ll be in belt bondage kneeling. Gag me please. Give me a hand strapping with the school strap, then the end of the belt, the mild tawse, then the XH tawse. I’ll have these lined up ready to use in order.

For the next part please put me into suspension, arms up high. Then use the belts, lots of belts, and straps and then the prison strap for a six of the best and then the cane for six of the best. If I take them too well, repeat harder. Make me react.

My huge wide belt fetish is calling, I really love to see you take a wide belt off, use it to give me a hard belting, then see you put it on again. That’s huge for me, seeing you take it off to use, then putting it on again.

After this, off suspension and another hand strapping with your choice, maybe the end of a belt and the tawse again.

Then bent over and strapped down to the bondage bench with lots of straps holding me in place. Then give me a really hard belting, lots of strapping and prison strapping and caning. Give me a hand strapping a few times when I’m bent over, release just the arms and hands and make me hold them out for the strap. Then tie them back up and go back to giving me a belting, a prison strapping and caning.

After this, at the end, off the bondage bench and kneeling again for a final hand strapping.”

That is very similar to what I got last time.

Last time it was a cold prison strapping and caning right at the start, and that was hard to take but excellent. This time I want more warm up with the belts and straps.

I really enjoy the visual and I do like to change each session. The hand strapping is a bit more prescriptive as I want lighter straps used first before the tawse.

I’ve struggled to document my sessions here as they are so personal, even for me. However, at least I’ll give maybe a little feedback.

Play safely!

Contradictions and Confessions in BDSM


Even after having had so many BDSM pro-dom sessions since 2005 I still feel the contradictions within me. A war rages between the logical vanilla me and the kinky inner self that BDSM means so much to.

The end result is that I feel conflicted. I’m pulled inexorably like gravity toward BDSM while my logical self rebels.

Here are my thoughts and experiences on this.

Dom in Corset

The visual is so important, hitting hard at the fetish and the desires, making the mind wander. Fetish is all about the mind and our deepest secrets and passions.

In choosing a mistress the image is a powerful but very flawed motive. My experience is that the bio on the website is so much more important.

Rules for reading this : expect contradictions. That is where it’s at for me. I’ll be as plainly honest as possible.

Relationships are an issue. And at every level too. There I am in an office supervising a number of staff, and some time prior I’ve been stripped naked, in bondage, being strapped by a leather clad dominatrix with a very wide folded leather belt. It’s my own belt she’s worn then taken off and used on me, then put on again. All the time I’ve been ogling her, reveling in my wide belt fetish and the need for corporal punishment.

The contradictions in these times come to mind often. Imagine what my staff would think and say if they saw me in a session? And yes, I am precious about this.

Sure, these are vastly different times, vastly different in every way but I do feel that contradictory nature within my self in these situations.

My wife knows of my sessions. She doesn’t like it much but she knows I need it and am better for them. She knows there is no sexual contact and I’m not cheating on her. She knows I love her and she loves me. But I feel the tension, almost a disappointment in her voice when, yet she even suggests it at times, that I have a session when my need is obvious. Then when that time comes around again I keenly feel the conflict – the diversion from a normal-vanilla relationship that my sessions give me.

I do love her more for accepting my need, and I hate the thought of disappointing her for my strange (to her) needs.

Time changes everything. The longer I go without a session the more it feels normal and reasonable. I feel it pulling me in, my mind rationalizing how normal and fine it will be to be in the dungeon again stripped, strapped and caned.

Then when the session is over I’m floating. My brain is in a different space and I love it. Everything else is banished.

When I walk out of the dungeon I feel the relief and am at peace with the world. I really don’t feel the need for BDSM, it is so deeply slaked. The thought of another session does not appeal at all.

That lasts a while. Then after a few weeks my special needs start to return. What was once, after the session, something I really don’t need becomes more and more important.

I’ll admit to being ornery and cantankerous.

And that happens and gets worse because I need a session!

If my staff knew, they’d be sending me off with a note for misress to make it extra hard every few weeks when the grumps set in.

Newbies Hand Strapping Tawsing Session

Are you considering a pro-dom BDSM session that includes a hand strapping or hand tawsing?

Do you feel the need to be told to hold out your hand by a leather clad dominatrix? Do you yearn to watch her run the punishment implement, a leather strap that is maybe split once or twice into the traditional form of the Scottish Tawse through her hands as she stands in front of you?

Do you feel the need to endure the searing pain as the leather strap descends onto your palm and fingers and at the same time feel embarrassed, shamed, humiliated as the dominatrix waits for you to raise your hand for the next stroke? She commands you “hands UP” then you must raise them as she runs the tawse through her hands. Again. And Agan.

Have you been a naughty school boy or girl and need to be punished like this by the strict mistress? Will she be a governess, an auntie, the sexy milf next door or as it is for me, the strict leather clad dominatrix?

I do.

This is my story with anecdotes and suggestions you may consider during your pre-session discussion with a dominatrix.

Side On Hand Strapping

“Hands UP,” Mistress says, then the strap lays on the palm, getting the range, letting you know where it will so soon come cracking down hard.

The inevitability of it, the tension, the exquisite pain to come all combine.

My First Hand Strapping in 2005

Long after it happened, my first pro dom session in 2005 is still very much in my mind. It highlighted so many things, the main one being my inexperience.

There I was standing in front of the first ever mistress I’d met wearing a leather hood and (as mentioned previously) I was naked and absolutely nervous about the whole experience. I was the total and complete newbie.

The challenges for me to be in this position were astronomical. Every part of the experience cut to the core of my upbringing, and also to my secret passions that I’d denied for decades.

When she gave be three crisp strokes of her split strap to my hand, commanded me to raise my other hand, then strapped that similarly I had thought, well, ‘that’s over what’s next’ – for a just moment.

I stood with slightly reddened palms. But not for long.

Of course what was next was the order, “Change Hands” (again)  then I had to raise my hands in order again, time after time till they’d each received six sets of three each from 2 different implements.

Then when mistress asked me, “Is That Enough Slave?” I said truthfully, “Yes Mistress,” which ended badly.

I was told “NO SLAVE IT IS AS MISTRESS WISHES. HANDS UP SLAVE” then she gave me another six of the best, harder. Damn.

That was a lesson in slave-mistress dialog, power exchange and domination I have never forgotten.

In hindsight, the strokes weren’t all that hard but there were so many of them I wondered when it would end. Thinking about that, now, for a newbie this was pretty much ideal. The whole leather fetish, strict mistress, hand strapping thing should last.

Why would you want a part of a session that you’d fixated on for so long to be over quickly? Prolonging it, making it last, really is a good thing.

Back to my memories of my first hand strapping; it felt ‘right’ in that I got what I needed, probably more than I wanted and it pushed all the buttons.

Sure, it hurt just as it should and that is of course part of the whole thing. But the pain was the smallest part of it, and a large part in the whole in the contradictory nature of BDSM corporal punishment. The pain was and remains essential. It challenges, it focuses and it dominated. It engulfs, it brings the entire psyche into focus as the dominatrix plies per trade and the slave takes the punishment. Without the pain the whole thing would feel pointless, without any real substance.

As the strapping progressed, my hands got more and more red and they started to shake.

The first implement was split leather strap but wasn’t really a tawse to my way of thinking now. It was a short wide piece of leather with a leather handle, and the leather happened to be split into two tails over an inch wide. It was more like a short split leather paddle than a tawse.

The second implement was a folded leather belt I’d brought with me. Mistress had given me an over the knee spanking and used that as well, and she of course used it to strap my hands. I remember this as being more challenging as it was a little more narrow and also longer so the end got up more speed.

These were my first experiences in 2005.

The Pre Session Discussion

Where I failed in  my first session was in the pre-session discussion.

Good sessions happen because of good communication. Great sessions happen when there is great understanding.

For a clueless newbie like I was, this presented a number of challenges. I didn’t really know what I wanted other than “a hand strapping” and I had no idea about implements, how to stand, how many strokes and what type of mistress I wanted.I had brought my own strap, well, a belt that the buckle had broken and discarded. It was a little long (the mistress said) so she doubled it over and wrapped her hand once to shorten it which in itself was a visual delight.

In my ignorance I (probably) assumed there weren’t any options. How wrong I was.

Then and of course, the elephant in the room for me was that I was talking to a real life dominatrix in a BDSM dungeon. This was in another dimension to my comfort zone but spot-on for me first-time fetish experience.

So for a newbie, what would I recommend?

The absolute golden rule to remember is that mistress is not a mind reader. She needs to know what you want, what you need, before she can make it happen.

First of all you must understand your need  -or- discuss it to get some ideas .

You should discuss it in a way that the person who does not know you will understand so that she can craft the best possible experience just for you.

If you don’t know what you want (which was me for my first session) then it is more difficult. In that case I should have said I didn;t know. I should have asked questions. I am sure mistress would have made suggestions.

Even after a decade and a half, I still find this challenging. These are such secret and private things in me that exposing them to anyone goes against a life of kept secrets. Yes this is stupid, if I can’t tell the person I am engaging to live out these experiences then that means it will probably not work well.

Ideally you will have chosen an experienced dominatrix who understands hand strapping and tawsing and has it as a stated speciality. Hand strapping and tawsing is a common thing but of course finding out if the person you are to see is OK with it and has experienced in it is mandatory. Ideally also she listens, is empathetic to your needs and is able to read your reactions and body language as the session proceeds to make it a great session.

Things to discuss;

The type Of Implement matters. It does for me and I have so many of my own. I ask that a strap that is reminiscent of the type of school straps that were in vogue when I was in grade school is used first. Then after that another few types of straps. Then after that there are two tawse, one relatively mild and the other quite severe ate used. This starts easy and then gets harder and harder as it progresses. I have some belts I like the mistress to use also and how they are used – folded or just the end etc.

Is it to be one implement or many? As above and for me, it is many, usually six of each and sometimes more. The school strap is easy to take and so mistress not seeing a reaction form me, usually gives me more and harder while the XH tawse at the end is supremely painful even with just one stroke.

How Many Strokes and how delivered? Short and sharp or prolonged and slow? Mistress stands in front of me and my hand is raised so the strap lashes down along the palm then the fingers fro front on. This I find to be particularly effective and also rather embarrassing, or demeaning, or challenging. Pick a word. Here I am a fully grown man submitting to this – and I know I need it – it just really gets into me.

Severity? This is of course important as too light and I feel let down and cheated, too severe and well, it is unbearable yet I must lift my hand up for the next stroke.

Is there a reason you need a hand strapping? For me there is not. For others there can be an invented reason, some transgression or mis-deed. You need to make it plain what you want.

The theatre matters a lot to me. I like to be told to raise my hand. I like to be told I am going to get a hard strapping, a hard tawsing and this is what I need. I like to hear it said as it happens. Also, I like to watch the mistress as she raises the strap, puts it over a shoulder then prepares. When the mistress takes a few gentle strokes o just let the leather sit on my palm before pulling it away then using it, that is a kind of tease that really gets into me.

What type of mistress? This matters and of course you can ask for whatever you feel is right for you. For example it can be a school type session, you can be commanded loudly, or be given a quiet yet strict mistress, or even the “mom” experience.

With mistress standing in front of you in fetish, with an implement in her hand raised to use, it is the most intimate form of BDSM.

Mistress with implement raised

My Sessions Now

It has been a long journey into BDSM for me. I’ve learned a lot, changes a lot, and collected a large amount of gear.

One piece of advice I would give is to think about getting your own gear. Not all mistresses have a wide range of straps and tawse. Having your own does make it easier.

Red Hood Hand Strapping

Been there, had that. This was very much my first ever hand strapping. The mistress flicked her strap up onto the palm to let me feel it before.. I felt it for real.

The anticipation, the fetish, feeling the hands get more and more red and burning.

Here Is One Of My Session Plans

I’ve had a lot of sessions since 2005 and now I find myself changing them each and every time. Sometimes I ask for a cold caning and prison strapping at the start, sometimes a more standard progression of corporal and bondage.

Here is a typical pre-session request;

Please mistress, can we split the session into four parts.”

This is how I start off. This seems to work best for heavy corporal with hand strapping and the bondage that I like.

For the first part, I’ll put myself into belt bondage then be kneeling when you enter. You wear my wide leather belts then use the straps then tawse to give me a hand strapping. Start off with the lighter school strap, then a longer strap, take a belt off and use that, then the lighter tawse then the heavy XH tawse to finish me off.

I ask her “please gag me after using a few implements.

Being gagged drags it all home to me, pushes me deeper into the whole BDSM / Slave / Mistress thing. Same as wearing a collar and the belt bondage I put myself into.

Before mistress enters I’ll have arranged the straps and belts on the floor for mistress to work though them.

For the second part please mistress, put me into suspension, my wrist cuffs onto the suspension bar. Then work though the belt, very little arm up, hard. Take one off, use it, put it back on. Use the heavy strap. At least a dozen from each side and make them hard, make me gasp and react. Maybe give me six of the best from the prison strap.

Harder belt strokes on a not warmed up butt sting initially, quite a lot. It pushes me hard, forces me to accept the strapping. Standing with my wrists pulled up high, and with belts wrapping my legs and waist I can’t move and that is a huge plus. I just love belt bondage.

For the third part please mistress, bend me over the bondage bench with my hands bound in front. Use some straps, then walk in front and un-bind my hands, tell me to hold them out and give me a hand strapping or tawsing. Just a six’er. Maybe a belt, maybe the XH tawse. Then bind them again and go back to strapping me from behind nice and hard. Repeat that a few times. Finish this part off with a hard prison strapping then a sound caning.”

After all this strapping to my butt, it’s probably getting a bit de-sensitized. Maybe it is getting a bit leathery and the belt and straps are easy to take. Finishing with a hard caning really is best as when used hard it does get in. I feel that. Mistress (the really good one I’ve been seeing) senses where I am pain wise and tolerance wise, then adjusts the session and the caning to suit. If I’m taking it easily she’ll go harder and vice versa. If she’s using something I’m really feeling I want more of I’ll push my butt out a little in a challenge to ask for more and harder.

For example, I like the mistress to wear two of my favorite made to order 2 inch wide solid leather belts. The black one is standard belt thickness and quite supple. The brown belt is thicker and much more thuddy. Mistress may use the XH tawse on my butt which really is all about sting and pushes me. Then she might take off the black belt and give me a dozen from each side (hopefully). I find this almost dreamy pleasing after the tawse and I’ll often push my butt out for more which he will sometimes grant, or give me an ‘insolence caning’ of six of the best which is just as she should.

The final part is the shortest. Only a few minutes.

Please mistress after the final caning, take me off bending over the bondage bench, put me onto my knees and give me a hard hand strapping and a final of six of the best of the XH tawse.

I know this is really going to challenge me to the max. The XH tawse used with any strength bends me over rubbing my hands wondering how in hell I can take any more. When mistress straps me hard, as she does, this is from the very first stroke. And I know I won’t be wanting it. And also I know I will be devastated with each stroke and wanting it to be over. But before the session with the way I’ve been feeling I ask for it.

Also, and the times I’ve had session like the above, the final hand strapping really is at the limit of my endurance. Also I feel disappointed when it’s all over. I struggle to take the corporal then I’m sad when it’s over. I feel the duality and the contradictions of this.

The First Hand Strapping From My Wife

My wife gave me a hand strapping in 2005, along with the first time she put me into bondage and used a doubled over belt on my butt for some BDSM play. I kept a journal of these home-sessions.

Here is the story of the first hand strapping my wife gave me. And more.

Wrist To Neck Binder

Laying on the bed with wide leather straps wrapping the wrists, and a collar, and being linked together makes all the difference.

With wrists strapped up like this the hands can’t cover the butt to ease a heavy strapping or caning.

Every movement of the wrists is felt.

How It All Began

It was early in November 2005 that my wife and I discussed my BDSM needs for the first time. I came out to her about it. Then on the 28th we actually did something about them. And yes I did write a journal on these events hence my use of actual dates.

She was the first person I’d told outside a therapists office about my secret passion, my silent quivers, and to say she was surprised and that I was nervous are understatements. Admitting that the whole belt fetish, hand strapping, that belt bondage and corporal punishment are ‘a real and necessary thing’ for me was one of the most difficult times of my life.

She took it remarkably well actually. She had to be reassured I was not gay, not damaged in some obscure way or reliving some trauma from my childhood or abuse from my past.

It Happened Like This

We’d been married for a while now and things between us had been getting difficult. I put this down to stress from a number of factors. One was my secret feitsh needs. That had over the previous few decades been totally denied and ignored. Now it was gaining strength and causing stress.

The other stresses in my life, work and marriage were feeding into this secret place and vice versa. It was a perfect storm.

The thing is that we love each other and always had. Being ‘difficult’ with each other was tearing us apart.

We’d been discussing things, how I felt which was concerning for her as I was clearly on edge. I was prone to temper flare ups, tears, wanting my own space and struggling to communicate. This was not like me.

After my admission we had a lot of discussion about my special needs and how I felt about it and how she felt about it. She said she couldn’t understand it for a moment. If anyone hit her she’d punch them in the nose. I had to talk to her, to reassure her that this was something different, not in the same league as simply hitting. For me this was all about the fetish, the multiple fetishes and the mental space escaping this world.

I commented that I felt so low a good hard whipping really would not feel bad at all by comparison. If anything it would clarify things, get me out of this life-funk I was in and let me move on. She was astounded.

After lots more discussion she said we’d give it a go. That did surprise me, but she is a very capable person, definite and has depths that regularly surprise me.

We went into the bedroom and got all the belts out of the wardrobe that were suitable, and of course I’d had this prepared in my mind for a while. Maybe I had planned this all along, but I don’t remember doing that (and maybe it is a convenient memory lapse).

Belts, wide ones in particular are my thing, and knowing which ones to use for what really was not a difficult decision.

I asked, then my wife wore a 3 inch wide solid leather belt on her hips and she made a comment that it explained my suggesting she buy (wide) belts when we shopped together.

It was not easy to tell her that yes, I’d always liked seeing her wear a wide belt and for what we were doing, the wide belt was a great look for me. Plus she stripped down to knickers and bra which absolutely added to the while experience.

Again, the wide belt round her bare waist above her knickers looked great.

Strapped Up In Belts

I stripped off, sat on the end of the bed and bound my ankles and knees with belts. I’m quite particular with this having done it for so many years with self bondage. I know what works and feels best.

I lay on my front then showed my wife how I wanted my wrists bound together in the middle of my back. She obliged and that was a vastly new experience feeling the belt circling my wrists tightened so that it was inescapable. I’d never been able to get it that tight in self bondage.

Suddenly I couldn’t get myself out of bondage, the belt round my wrists was not going to allow that. After all those years of self bondage where I could, this was so much better. It had a mental effect on me as I tried to get myself free and couldn’t. It was brilliant and so deeply immersive.

Laying on the bed like this felt special and being strapped up tight like that was and still is a huge fetish.

The Doubled Belt Strapping

We’d talked about what I wanted, to be strapped with a belt and I’d put them down the side of the bed for her saying which one first.

My wife picked up a wide but thin belt, doubled it over, held it by the buckle and loose end and strapped my butt a few times. She had a nice action, quite dainty and also quite nervous as if she feared actually hurting me.

She commented after a few strokes that it was getting red but I told her not to stop and go harder as quite frankly it felt very mild. She is a competitive person and this maybe pushed a few buttons as the next strokes were much harder.

She changed to a thicker and narrowed heavy leather belt and that did sting more and felt more like it. That was what a strapping should be felt like. After a dozen form each side it was starting to sting and I was starting to react.

The visual of my wife dressed as she was with the 3 inch wide belt on her hips moving as she flicked a folded leather belt over her shoulder then brought it down on my butt time and again really was my fetish dream.

My wife then left me for a while, closed the bedroom door and went out. I’d told her this was also something I wanted. It is a very much head space thing, to be left in bondage after a strapping and to await the next strapping as I lay there.

As I lay there in belt bondage with a slightly burning butt, I could hear my wife’s foot steps, then silence, then more footsteps as she moved around the house. When I heard foot steps, was she coming in to give me another strapping? Would it be harder? Which belts would she use to strap me with? All those thoughts and more went round in my mind. And I was loving it.

Some time later the footsteps did return then the bedroom door was opened. “It’s time for your strapping” she said, and after all the years later I remember it well.

My wife then repeated the strapping she’d given me previously. She gave me a cracking dozen from each side with the thinner wider belt, then a dozen from each side with the heavier leather belt. My butt was getting a bit more sting in it, but it really was not too heavy at all.

After this she was thinking it was over. She unstrapped the belt binding my wrists. I rubbed my butt and felt it was mildly warm. I rolled over and unstrapped the belts from around my knees and ankles then I knew what I wanted.

My Wife Gives A Hand Strapping

I slid down off the bed and onto my knees. My butt was stinging and I’d had quite a cathartic time laying on the bed in bondage and it was quite a dreamy time. Even now, after all these years, laying in bondage on the bed really is a sublime time. Part of it is the feeling of the leather belts and part of it is the constriction of the belts holding me tightly.

My wife was standing there looking at me wondering what was to happen next. I knew what I wanted. It was something that had been with me like forever. I leaned over the bed then picked up the brown quite thick belt she’d just used, folded it in half then handed it to her.

Then, as I was still kneeling, I moved back a little so I was still facing her then held a palm out high and flat. This was something we’d not discussed, and was also something that I just had to have.

My wife, without any prompting got the idea quickly. Me in that position with my hand up high and flat, her with a belt in the hand; it was a pretty obvious message. She put the belt up high and over her right shoulder, waited a moment, then brought it down flat on my palm.

The imagery was everything. Over the top of my outstretched and open palm was my wife wearing her wide brown leather belt. As I looked at her, kneeling with a stinging bum from being strapped with that same belt, there she was with it over her shoulder. It was right on the money for my fetish.

I remember it, even now, as being quite a stinging sensation. The leather in this belt was quite thick and dense and folded over was double that. It was about an inch and a quarter wide.

One stroke was a little stinging. I kept the hand up and my wife knew I needed more. This wasn’t school where I got one stroke of the strap only. Now I was five decades older, a grown man with much tougher hands.

She was now (to my thinking) the strict school ma’am giving the strap to a naughty boy (me) and of course my reaction was obvious. I got an erection.

She was also my wife in knickers and bra, wide belt round her waist and holding a doubled over leather belt; she was super-MILF.

As I knelt with that hand out, my other hand found my erection and I began stroking. It was impossible to ignore that, to resist. As I stroked, my wife strapped me again. Somehow the sensation and the stroking went deeper than normal. I remember squinting, maybe changing the whole imagery in my mind to make it more erotic, more fetish, more deep for myself as I stroked.

My wife gave me six strokes of the belt to the hand, then I swapped hands. With the strapped hand working my erection and the other one up high and flat, it too got the strap. My wife was quite quick about it, each stroke maybe six seconds apart so the six to that hand was quite quick but the stroking was pretty darned good.

I’d had six strokes to each hand and a massive erection to prove it.

I swapped hands again. My wife then proceeded to give me a second six strokes to the hand as my other worked away at the erection which was just plain sending me. Even after all these years that special time kneeling on the floor, hand out getting a strapping while the other hand stroked my aching erection I remember it fondly.

That set the pace. My wife strapped my hand six times, I swapped hands and the other got another six. Each time I swapped hand I kept stroking, and each time the sting increased and each time the erection ached for release more and more.

After three sets of six to each hand I buckled over, gasping as I blew, the erection and the stroking, the strapping and the imagery was just too much and the come happened bursting out of me. I remember bending over, deeply, my head almost on the carpet as I shook with the climax, my erection gripped tightly with stinging hands.

I guess my butt must have been fairly high  in the air at this stage as I was bent over.

To my surprise, my wife saw the opportunity and with a fine doubled belt in hand, and without being asked she moved beside me and used that same belt on my butt. She gave me a solid six strokes that left me gasping. What a finish.

The Aftermath

My wife left me in the bedroom bent over feeling like I was almost in a coma because I was so relaxed and spaced out. I eventually got up then cleaned myself up then got dressed.

We didn’t discuss the session straight away, it seemed to be almost forgotten yet we both knew it was special.

Over the coming months we repeated this a few times. And that is a story for later.

I’ve had a few emails from readers who have experienced similar at home. If you are able to share, please feel free to contact me with your story. I won’t publish unless you allow it.