It’s been over 50 years that I’ve been involved with BDSM in one way or another. There have been some respites in there, there have been times when I’d never heard of nor know what BDSM was. But that doesn’t change the facts at all.
In My Early Teens
In my early teens I found that if I stripped off then tied myself up with lots of belts, luggage straps in fact, that an orgasm wasn’t far away. In those days long before the internet the whole BDSM thing was completely hidden from my 14 year old self.
But it happened. I was drawn to that experience totally without prompting and in an absence of external information. It was in me, part of me, and to my young self it was a secret that affected me and my relationships.
In My Twenties And Thirties
In my twenties and thirties nothing really changed other than marriage, raising a family, changing jobs, buying a house and all the normal family things. All of a sudden I was a husband, a father, and a ‘responsible person’ compared to my teenage years. WOW. Those were huge changes, anyone would say that, but my BDSM was a constant, always there, lurking and never gone.
In those years the opportunity for self bondage reduced so they were few and far between. Also in those years the internet rose from nothing to having a ubiquitous presence in homes. That presence brought me BDSM information and of course BDSM porn.
In My Forties - Things Started To Change
In my forties things started to change. Was it life’s stresses? Could I keep these needs within myself all this time without the solace of disclosure? Was it the family hitting an age that brought some kind of internal needs within me to the fore? Or was it that I just could not deny it any longer? It was all of them.
I also had my first ever experience of depression which was, or so I was told, as a result of some trauma. I suspect there was also the stresses from repressing my BDSM self contributing to this.
Looking back, trying to say “this one thing was the cause” is wishful. It’s also therapeutic as it gives something to focus on and then pin your hopes on a simple solution. We are not simple things, humans, we live in a world that changes over time and we change. There are myriad inputs into us, and expecting to localise into a simple cause-and-effect type scenario is, again, wishful. It would be nice tho!
In My Mid Forties
This was not a great time. The stresses on me left me teary, shaking, washed out and suicidal. My doctor put me on anti-depressants and overall, life was pretty awful and colourless.
In my mid forties I had my first ever counselling session and what a revelation it was. I told someone about my special needs, a process that left me shaking.
But that first counselling session was amazing. I opened myself up for the very first time to anyone.
My surprise then, and vividly remembered 2 decades later, to being told “why don’t you do it?” and then “I can’t understand why you don’t” and the final, “it doesn’t make you any less of a person, doesn’t hurt anyone else and will help you.”
Those words from a psychologist changed my life. My views of the world and myself changed.
If I could know something decades earlier (pther than BitCoin going up to dramatically in price) this would be it – see a counsellor.
In My Late Forties
I had my first BDSM session in my late forties which was one of the most remarkable times of my life.
It came a long 30 years after my first ever encounter with self bondage in leather straps. Those decades of silent quivers and keeping it all a secret took their toll.
I still remember knocking on the terrace house door after the 30+ years of self doubt, worry and wonder. Then I heard definite high heels clacking on the tiled corridor, the door opening then being greeted with “Welcome Slave” by a dominatrix. My first ever.
That very first session was so remarkable. I was taken to a place I didn’t know existed, I was given what I wanted and more importantly, what I needed. I had chosen extremely well with a dominatrix who understood people like me, newbies with definite needs, and she was able to make the session special.
I remember sitting in the car after the session thinking two things; I wished I had a pound of frozen peas to sit on, and, when can I have the next session.
I told the psychologist about it and how successful it was. It delighted her that the experience lived up to the anticipation.
Not long later I opened up to my wife about my special needs. To this day, so many years later, she still does not understand. All she sees is the pain and the strangeness of it. She has not got the inner need, but she is supportive of me. When I need a session, sometiomes she tells me to go have it even before I make my mind up.
In My Fifties
In my fifties I had regular BDSM Sessions. They all followed a similar process based around corporal, bondage, belt and leather fetish. I found them to be wonderfully restorative, addictive, and something I needed.
I collected a lot of gear. Many straps, tawse, an amazing prison strap and lots and lots of belts. I do love my belts.
Looking back, this is the decade I’d have again rather happily (and I’d invest in BitCoin, also rather heavily).
My regular sessions were great and I got a lot out of them. I found life was rather pleasing, everything was kind of coming together quite well. My mental health was great.
In My Sixties
Now in my sixties my BDSM side has changed a little along with me.
My sixties started badly with the lockdown and pandemic. It was not possible to have a session for nearly 2 years and that hurt. I did feel badly affected by the lockdown, so this may well have been a factor.
My need for a session has reduced from the nearly once a month rate to just a few a year now.
At the same time, this last few years my mental health has deteriorated such that I suffer regular depressive bouts and the occasional and loathed panic attacks. If these are related to a reduction in sessions I don’t know. Maybe there is a cause-effect relationship but at the moment it is hard do define.
A Few Comments
Over the years I’ve talked to the Mistresses both before and after my session.
One thing that has been said to me more than once is that it is a part of me and won’t go away.
This is from people in the industry who deal with many clients on a daily basis. Many of the mistresses I see are tertiary qualified, some with psych, some in business, some with qualification in legal areas. They are not stupid or ‘touting for trade’, so I feel theirs are honest comments. The upshot is “I am as I am and it’s not going to change.”
Within myself I feel it is waning a little, but it is absolutely still there. I can feel it growing as time passes, then when I’m in a session I absolutely feel the self same massive relief.
I’m led to believe not much will change as I head into old age, BDSM wise.
My wife once commented when I said I was having a session that she thought I’d grown out of it. No, that has not happened.