Contradictions and Confessions in BDSM


Even after having had so many BDSM pro-dom sessions since 2005 I still feel the contradictions within me. A war rages between the logical vanilla me and the kinky inner self that BDSM means so much to.

The end result is that I feel conflicted. I’m pulled inexorably like gravity toward BDSM while my logical self rebels.

Here are my thoughts and experiences on this.

Dom in Corset

The visual is so important, hitting hard at the fetish and the desires, making the mind wander. Fetish is all about the mind and our deepest secrets and passions.

In choosing a mistress the image is a powerful but very flawed motive. My experience is that the bio on the website is so much more important.

Rules for reading this : expect contradictions. That is where it’s at for me. I’ll be as plainly honest as possible.

Relationships are an issue. And at every level too. There I am in an office supervising a number of staff, and some time prior I’ve been stripped naked, in bondage, being strapped by a leather clad dominatrix with a very wide folded leather belt. It’s my own belt she’s worn then taken off and used on me, then put on again. All the time I’ve been ogling her, reveling in my wide belt fetish and the need for corporal punishment.

The contradictions in these times come to mind often. Imagine what my staff would think and say if they saw me in a session? And yes, I am precious about this.

Sure, these are vastly different times, vastly different in every way but I do feel that contradictory nature within my self in these situations.

My wife knows of my sessions. She doesn’t like it much but she knows I need it and am better for them. She knows there is no sexual contact and I’m not cheating on her. She knows I love her and she loves me. But I feel the tension, almost a disappointment in her voice when, yet she even suggests it at times, that I have a session when my need is obvious. Then when that time comes around again I keenly feel the conflict – the diversion from a normal-vanilla relationship that my sessions give me.

I do love her more for accepting my need, and I hate the thought of disappointing her for my strange (to her) needs.

Time changes everything. The longer I go without a session the more it feels normal and reasonable. I feel it pulling me in, my mind rationalizing how normal and fine it will be to be in the dungeon again stripped, strapped and caned.

Then when the session is over I’m floating. My brain is in a different space and I love it. Everything else is banished.

When I walk out of the dungeon I feel the relief and am at peace with the world. I really don’t feel the need for BDSM, it is so deeply slaked. The thought of another session does not appeal at all.

That lasts a while. Then after a few weeks my special needs start to return. What was once, after the session, something I really don’t need becomes more and more important.

I’ll admit to being ornery and cantankerous.

And that happens and gets worse because I need a session!

If my staff knew, they’d be sending me off with a note for misress to make it extra hard every few weeks when the grumps set in.

The Naughty Hair Dresser

Hairdressers - Like Being in the Confessional

My original hairdresser left, so a new one took her place. She is young, spunky and all out there in the way she chats. She is super easy to chat to, engaging, vibrant – all those things.

Anyway, on my first ever hair cut, we got talking and somehow sex came up in a sort of off-beat way. She’d mentioned for some reason that ‘furries’ where you dress up as forest animals and have sex appealed. She said she had a friend with benefits she visited occaisonally – so she was quite open about it all.

Was she opening up to get me to open up? Was she just totally unhibited? Maybe. It worked.

My BDSM Admission

She was so easy to talk to that I admitted I went and had BDSM sessions, being tied up and corporal punishment.

She asked me a little about it, if sex was involved, what happened, who I saw. All that sort of thing.

I remember feeling absolutely stunned that I’d told her on my first visit, and also that she accepted it so well.

Her Admission

Well, my surprise increased when she said she had a male friend, a friend only, who also had BDSM sessions.

She said he only had a few a year but they were big ones, 3 or 4 hours and highly intense. It sounded like he was into getting full on kicking, punching and slapping and very heavy whipping.

I’m not a big fan of any of that – but never mind.

The thing was, she said she got a call from him one day to ask her to collect him and take him to hospital. He’d broken some ribs and couldn’t drive.

WOW – that was beyond intense (I accidentally cracked a rib in a session – my fault – but nothing like that). It made me wonder at the skill of the mistress, or had there been a terrible accident.

Well, she took him to the hospital, into E.R. – and sat with him for a few hours. As he was being treated she had to leave for a short while when one of the nurses said something like, ‘Don’t worry dear, I do this part time also.’

She had to explain it was not her, he was just a friend in need.

We both smiled at life and the way it can throw curved (kinked?) things at us.

Prostate Exam and BDSM

Protstate Exam and Blazing Butts Don't Mix

I was scheduled for a prostate exam in a week’s time and it had been some weeks since my previous BDSM session so I was wanting one.

I really was. It was at the forefront of my thoughts.

I had been in therapy for a few months over something else. I was talking to the counselor about how much I wanted a session but I had the exam scheduled. She said “why don’t you go? I can’t see why not?”

I really loved the acceptance this gave.

This also spoke to her ignorance as to what I get in a session – and also my reluctance to spell it out in detail. I’d given her some broad brush stroke ideas but she didn’t think it was as full on. Clearly. Maybe she thought a prostate exam happened with the clothes on? I have no idea how it could happen this way.

I had to explain to her that having a prostate exam where the pants came down would expose the cane welts that usually last for at least a week and sometimes two. That would just be far too confronting to say the least.

She stopped to look surprised at that. I really doubt she’d thought it was as full on for me.

Naughty as it sounds, I did think about seeing her after a sesson and giving her a peek at the results. But that didn’t happen.

Sadly this therapist had her own demons, her own issues, and so we became incompatible. it was a pity.

Leather Cat Suit and Muscle Soreness

The Model, the Leather Cat Suit, The Prison Strap

I started with a new mistress (to me) because the previous and I had drifted apart. There was no real reason, I just felt I needed someone new. After 8 or nine sessions, this seems to happen to me.

I chose a mistress who was six feet tall in bare feet, and my goodness, she was absolutely stunning too. She said she’d been a model and also a fetish model so she was quite into the whole thing. And I could believe her. Her website was also rather good to look at.

Anyway, on our first session she expressed absolute awe at my gear and particularly loved the heavy Canadian Prison Strap I have.

This strap is a replica of what was used in Canadian prisons last century to punish hardened prisoners. It was designed to ‘really get into‘ the recipient and to punish them.

For those not familiar, the Canadian Priso Strap is about 3 feet long and made of absolutely heavy and strong leather so it is heavy.

She picked it up, caressed it and really wanted to put it to use. Picture that; there I am standing in the dungeon immersed in my kink with this gorgeous amazonian dominatrix – how could I refuse her?

We talked about my session and she asked if I’d ever had it cold, at the start of a session, a cold hard prison strapping. I said not, but it got stuck in my mind.

Anyway, the session proceeded as per normal. She gave me some very heavy corporal, wearing the belts like I wanted her to, using them, using the various tawse, belts and straps I have etc.

Then at the end she gave me a huge and hard dozen of the prison strap from each side. She kicked off her high heels so she could keep her balance better and put all her energy into it. She put the strap far behind her as she wound up then delivered. I remember being pushed forward with each stroke, and each one really hurting and sounding like a pistol shot.

When the session finished, after I packed up, she was beaming and rather pleased. She said it was a favorite session and was looking forward to more of the same.

Seriously, how could I resist?

Anyway, a few weeks later when I returned she said on the next day she’d had some muscle soreness from the session which annoyed her. So, she’d taken up some gym work and was feeling stronger and more ready. She was busting to get into it.

So I went for it, I asked for the cold prison strapping.

 I can promise that the prison strap wielded by a powerful (and gorgeous) woman without any warm up is hard to take, challenging, and damn rewarding. On a butt that hasn’t had anything to desensitize it, the very first stroke lifted me onto my toes and made me sway in suspension. Then each and every stroke thereafter was just the same, delivered hard and felt deeply.

I find that being gagged helps, it seems to make taking corporal easier. But, like wow, that prison strap works so well.

And one of the best things was the visual. The dominatrix standing with the heavy prson strap, running it through her hands, winding up then using it tweaks all the kink and fetish imaginable.

The Leather Catsuit

The only thing better was a prison strapping from a mistress in a leather catsuit, wearing my wide belts. Oh I do miss that.

On one of our last sessions before she moved overseas she said she had a leather catsuit made for her. It was absolutely spectacular and with my wide belts round her waist, and using my implements, she was everything a fetishist into corporal punishment could want.

Then it got better. Half way through the session she was feeling that the suit was not quite supple enough, so she peeled it down to her waist and wow, was it a good look. The black bra, the naked torso of the gorgeous woman giving me corporal was special, so very special.

Such is the kink.

Honeymoon BDSM Swap

Brand New Husband Swap

Sometimes a true story is just so odd it has to be true.

A Mistress told me she went on a honeymoon with her new husband overseas. He was into the whole BDSM thing and it sounded like a good match. Anyway, he chose the destination which she found out had a mistress he wanted to see. The mistress advertised and he got it into his head he wanted to see her.

Well, as a present to her husband, and she had a great sense of humour and appreciation of life, she swapped her husband for the Mistress’s own slave for a day.

Imagine that. On honeymoon, swapsies with another mistresses slave. Then a good hard corporal session.

She said they each gave the others’ partner a sound caning and that was all she mentioned. I don’t doubt there was other corporal and bondage happening. Sex? I have no idea but I doubt it.

Apparently it worked out well. She said her husband had cane makes on him for a week and that made swimming in bathers tricky.

It was all good fun. It puts a new perspective on a honeymoon.

It just occurred to me that a BDSM session does not have to have sex in it to work. It really is (or can be) a totally different head space to sex. for me, a heavy corporal session leaves little else in the mind.

A ‘vanilla’ example might be that I really like ice cream and I like a nice steak and wedges meal. I would never put icecream on steak.

Off Billet Strap for Corporal

Off Billet Strap for Corporal Punishment

I visited a saddle and tack shop I’d seen a few times in passing. Not having a horse and being pretty clueless about the whole riding thing means I’m a bit nervous of being asked questions by attentive staff. But like gravity I’m pulled into these shops regularly.

The scent of leather, the saddles, the harness is a leather fetishists delight. Damn. If I had the spare money and the private space, a saddle or two would grace my humble hacienda quick smart. I foresee problems convincing my wife one would be necessary in the bedroom. Convincing her more than one would be better is probably asking a bit much. Oh well.

So on one visit and trying not to hyperventilate, just looking around I found something that I just had to purchase; an Off Billet Strap.

Off Billet Strap

For those not in the know, an Off Billet Strap is about two inches wide, eighteen inches long but doubled over (so a three foot strap folded in half). The one pictured above is very close to what mine is like.

And it is a beautiful piece of leather. Seriously!

A simple description doesn’t do it justice. It is a truly heavy piece of leather designed to securely hold a saddle onto a horse, so it is strong and as I mentioned, a rather nice strap. The leather itself is so heavy it almost invites being picked up and felt. And smelled. And run through the hands.

This strap and as a result of its proportions, is rather severe when used with any force on a bared butt, feeling somewhat similar to the Canadian Prison Strap.

Mistresses Favorite

One mistress, a tall ex-model took a rather strong fancy to this strap (and my Canadian Prison Strap), and she liked using it on me. A few sets of a dozen is rather grueling the way she used it.

Well after one session and in discussion about it, where I got it from, how much it was etc, I decided to get one for her. Of course the shop I went to had sold out so I had to take mine to a saddler and get a copy made.

Dueling Off Billet Straps

As soon as I’d given it to her, mistress was rather keen to try her new strap out. She really was rather keen on giving heavy corporal.

So during the session she did just that. She tried them both out giving me a dozen of each to see if I could detect any difference.

Of course I couldn’t, both lifted me onto my toes and made me gasp.

On a subsequent session I asked if she’d had a chance to use hers. She smiled as she said she had. ‘He squealed’ was the verdict as to how well it worked, and I believe her entirely.

This was the mistress who changed her gym routine for more upper body work so she could use my Canadian Prison strap harder.

Duelling Prison Straps

One Mistress - Two Pison Straps.

The current mistress I’m seeing has her own prison strap. Ever seen one?

Canadian Prison Strap

Mine is this one, exactly the same, and it is a beautiful and functional piece of gear that works extremely well.

The leather at the business end or hers is not as thick or stiff as mine. Hers is more like heavy belt leather, or heavy saddle leather. Mine is more solid. Just picking it up and waving it around you realize how stiff it is and how severe it will be.

Well, the first time I met her, she said she had a prison strap as we were setting up for our first session. We went into the dungeon and she pulled it out of her gear collection. Then I produced mine making her eyes go wide.

Well, in session she gave me a dozen of each, hard. She does like using the prison strap and I suspect not many clients take it hard.

When she strapped me, I could hardly feel the difference. Now, some time later, I have no idea which is more severe. Mine looks it, but hers certainly has that special bite.

I have that feeling this will happen again soon. Very soon.

Cold Prison Strapping and Caning

Cold Strapping And Caning -When Fantasy Exceeds Reality

This is something that calls again. I think in my next session…

A particularly athletic mistress did like to use my prison strap and she had a great collection of canes. I don’t know what got into me but at the end of a session as we were chatting before I left, I did suggest that I was up for trying a ‘cold prison strapping and caning’ and that delighted her.

For those not initiated, a cold caning happens without any other punishment before hand. No spanking, no belting, no strapping to warm up the skin. The cane is applied hard to a bare and fresh bottom. It is therefore quite severe.

And a cold prison strapping is just the same.

In reality, both simulate a judicial type punishment where the victim is given heavy punishment as soon as the session starts. There is no lead up, no getting used to it.

On my next session she remembered, she sure did. I’ll admit there was an element of excitement, here was I going to get a severe punishment straight away and that just hit the masochist nerve.

I was put into suspension, my arms lifted into the air by leather cuffs on my wrists clipped to a metal bar on the end of a cable. Then she gave me a dozen of the best of my prison strap. They were absolutely delivered hard. The prison strap is quite heavy, and as I type this I can remember each stroke pushing me forward with the power she put into it. Then she gave me a dozen of the best of the cane and even through the pain from the prison strapping, I felt those cane strokes.

It has been a while since my last session. This is sounding better and better.

Session Introspection

In My BDSM Sessions

In my first ever BDSM session I was laying on the floor in strapped up in tight leather bondage.

The mistress used a ‘spine’ which is also called a ‘fishbone harness’ that comprises a dozen wide leather straps that wrap the body tightly. From the neck to the toes there is a lengthwise strap that keeps all the others in place. That’s why it looks like a fishbone.

This was my first ever session, and I’d never heard of this kind of harness before. And it felt so addicitively good.

I vividly remember feeling out of body in that I could almost see myself there as if looking down from above. I could see myself on the floor in bondage. I could just imagine so strongly what it looked like with the dominatrix in the room punishing me.

And at that moment I felt the strangeness of the moment.

It was a moment of deep introspection.

And for all the sessions over the years to come, I have felt that same thing so often, that same introspection, that same view of myself in the session.

It defies logic. It defies common sense. It defies everything I was brought up to accept as normal.

Looking Into The Mirror

All my sessions now happen in rooms with a large wall to ceiling mirror. My first session didn’t have a mirror that I can remember.

I do like to face the mirror and to watch the mistress closely. She is dressed to suit the session, to suit me, and that is a huge thing.

I also watch as she applies corporal. She lifts the belt, the strap, the cane or prison strap then she uses it.

Watching this I feel the thrill of the moment, the thrill of experiencing my innermost secret passions and needs.

But I also see myself as it is a mirror after all.

Seeing myself like this in the dungeon never ceases to amaze me.

There I am. The husband, the father, the son, the office worker, managing staff, in a situation like this seems so odd.

And I need it. Bring it on.

And I keep Coming Back

That too is strange if I give it any thought.

I reject and rail at myself for wanting this. Then at other times I miss it dreadfully and want it again. Soon. I want it now.

No matter how gruelling the session, no matter how hard the mistress gives me corporal I keep coming back.

My butt can be bruised and bloody, my hands tomato red and shaking, my back and shoulders striped and stinging. And I feel wonderfully relieved, refreshed, and at peace.

Then in a few weeks I want it again.

There is no denying it is a core need

Nope. No matter how long I think about this, it always comes back to “It is the way I am.”

I don’t do this to atone fro some mistake or feeling of guilt. I don’t seek this because of some kind of sin or crime.

It wasn’t learned, inflicted on me, something that I was pushed to do or suggested to me.

It is all on me. I am drawn to it.

Asking In Ignorance

Communication And BDSM

One mistress said her pet hate was a client saying “just do what you think I want” – or similar. She said it put so much stress on her and made her worry far too much about what she was doing.

Thinking about it, that is a crazy thing to say. BDSM has an absolutely huge range of options. The chance of getting what you want by not communicating is about nil.

Same for knowing what you want, but as thr Stones said ‘you can’t always know what you want.


A funny place to put a conclusion – but here it is.

Do your homework first. Try to work out what works for you. Leave options open. Try for a rapport with the mistress so she will sense if something is not working.

To get a great session requires great communication with a mistress. My sessions needs are ‘basic and core business’ for mistresses but there are things I like and don’t. These must be spelled out.

The precise words you use are also super important. The mistress will listen and use these in crafting your session.

Example. I remember one mistress in the pre-session discussion saying “I’ll give you a good beating” – which was wrong. I had to correct her, “sorry mistress. A good belting, a good strapping and a thorough tawsing then caning please.” For me ‘beating’ is not the word to use. Same as ‘hit’ – nope, wrong words, wrong connotations.

Planning ahead is essential particularly if you are (like me) nervous. If you are a lists person, then a short bullet point list will go a long way to having a great session.

I Remember My First Session

I’ve been writing my biography and in that I documented my first session and my reaction to it. I took notes at the time and also, I do remember this session very well.

For this first session, I had spoken to the mistress on the phone and outlined what my BDSM was for me. I talked very briefly, in stumbling phrases about it and that was pretty confronting for me.

Then when we eventually met for the session she asked a few questions then the session happend.

Well in hindsight I was pretty ignorant. There is no doubt. I asked for some things which happened (great) but the mistress did things that took me so far past that. That was confronting at the time but she was correct.

I count myself lucky that I’d chosen an excellent mistress and she was able to read my responses and creat a session that worked so well.

I hadn’t given her much to work with.

Choosing A Professional Matters

In my session I was lucky I chose a mistress who was super experienced and liked the bondage and corporal that I did. She’d taken a number of newbies before and she tried things out with me,

I do not remember anything she did that didn’t work well. However I do remember thinking she’d done a lot more than I imagined.

So doing some research before a session would seem like a good idea.