BDSM Wants Versus Needs

We Only Do What We Want To Do

Sure, we live life this way. We make easy decisions based on our experience, our feelings at the moment, our common sense and above all else, our emotions.

Wants are very powerful. We follow them. We want something, we go out of our way to get it.

Needs are less tangible

We go to the dentist, we are told to floss more.

We go to the doctor and are told to lose weight, eat better and get more exercise..

We know we need to do these things, but do we? Flossing takes time, and the doctors suggestion bring self denial and effort. We do’t want that. Which one wins out?

But we know we need to do these things. It’s obvious to us., our logical self knows this.

BDSM Wants Versus Needs

BDSM throws in an extra consideration, an extra dimension into this struggle between needs and wants.

When Vanilla Fights Kink

Time and Kink

It’s now seven weeks since my last session, a session that was 13 months after the one previous to that.

Then I felt all those concerns, questions, self doubts about having a session and how I would feel. Was it still me? It was like I was a newbie once again. But as soon as I entered the dungeon, I was back and I knew I needed it.

After the session I realized that nothing had changed, it was part of me and probably will for ever be. Oer the weeks, I went through that time of being satisfied, my thirst for kink slaked,  but time passed.

Now with the flux of time, my needs are again flaring. I feel an increasing need another session – and so as per usual my Vanilla Self and my Kink Self are battling.

Time and fetish

Contradictions Are The Problem.

I know that. I envy the Vanilla crowd  going about their daily life un -conflicted and without this disjoint inside them. For them there is no conflict, no secret passion, no inner turmoil or discussion about ‘is this for me‘ and ‘why do I do it‘ happening.

Inside me my logical Vanilla Self battles with my Kink Self asking all those questions; ‘why do you do this‘ and ‘isn’t your need for corporal punishment and bondage the most strange thing in the world?

At work I am dominant, with staff taking my instructions, all of us working together for the corporate might. At home I am the father figure, providing, co-leading and co-parenting a family. I am hardly ever submissive, rather I live with discussion and negotiation and defined roles.

My kink self turns this 180 degrees around. I take a sharp U-turn into the submission of bondage and corporal punishment. It fits so strongly within me, key-holing into a part of me I am forever surprised exists.

These contradictions within myself, these differences in my life bring conflict. I have an inner discussion; one part rejecting, another part accepting and wanting.

And it all changes with time.

Immediately after a session I feel relaxed and in a state of being deeply at ease with the world, having an  inner rock solid balance. There is a near cathartic release in the sessions I have, the effects profound and deep.

Then time passes. My viewpoints change.

I remember the session. My Vanilla Self sees me being in bondage, straps binding me tightly as I’m bent over a bench. My Vanilla Self sees the mistress with the hugely scary prison strap delivering a strapping to me, cracking that strap down time and again with me pushing my butt back to her, inviting it down. And my Vanilla Self does not understand. It does not feel the need, share the acceptance and release I get. It rejects those things and talks only from logic and reason with the Vanilla Blinkers on.

My Vanilla Self recoils at the strangeness of it all. My Vanilla Self gets a voice, a voice of logic and reason shouts out, demanding to be heard, asking questions and bringing self doubt.

And what a strident clamour it is. What a good description. That Vanilla Voice shouts out about how strange the session is from a logical standpoint while ignoring what it really is; part of me.

Then with a little more time, as in like right now, my Vanilla Self recedes into the background -or- it understands that my Kink Self really does need this so the Vanilla Voice eases up its strident clamour.

So now my Kink Self needs attention, demands action and wants the release of a session.

So Where Is The Need Coming From?

As I said, it is within me. But it changes. It morphs, it dies down then flares up. It can smolder with little heat in it, and at other times it flares into an incandescent fury like the sun.

My perceptions change with time. When it is near dormant it all feels strange and scary. When it flares, it pulls and calls and feels like the most natural of things. My perceptions change dramatically.

So why? Why now? Why does it change?

Time is the simple answer but behind that are the causes.

Stress, tension, the way I am inside all add and if anything, multiply my needs. I can go weeks or months between sessions and feel little need. Then when the pieces of my life conspire, I need another session and quickly.

Accepting That I Need A Session

Self honesty can be so difficult, so elusive. A problem is that it doesn’t feel like it will provide the instant gratification it should. I can;t shout my needs out to the world, let it all out, as it is too ingrained in me to do that.

Deluding myself, avoiding and denial come naturally to me. I am an expert at that with decades of successful (ignoring the effects) practice at it. They are less challenging and pander to my Vanilla Self – but they are destructive. They make the pressure build. I know that, yet I still do it. Thus is a contradiction of self.

But accepting I need a session is a definite time.

Before this, a session might happen some time in the future. After this, it will be happening soon. I have mad emy mind up. I put a date on it. I move toward it.

Getting to this point takes time, at least a few weeks after a session. Right now, it is about 7 weeks – and I’ve felt this way, that I need a session, for at least a week.

Soon, please make it soon, I will book the session and hence a date will be set.

After Acceptance Come Planning The Session

There are only two questions; when will it happen and what will happen.

The when is the most straightforward. Next week I say to myself.

The what is more complicated. I’ve had so many sessions and they have been so alike because that is what Ive asked for and what I’m drawn to. Sure, there are differences, different mistresses, differences in the corporal and bondage yet they are still very similar.

I’m feeling like I want something new.

I did a training session with an apprentice mistress some time ago, and that was ok. I found interacting with her, advising, talking, brought me back from sub-space which I didn’t want, but the session was still great as it was different. The trainee mistress was lovely and it was nice to interact like that in a session. A common theme for me is acceptance, so interacting with someone else in a session spoke to that.

Years ago a particularly striking (pun intended) dominatrix gave me some cold caning and cold prison strapping sessions. She was challenging at the least of times, with those cold-sessions she pushed me to my limits. I feel like doing that again. It has been a while. The mistress I’m seeing now has her own prison strap, maybe we can do a cold-strapping comparison. That would be interesting.

More thought required. I’ll document this next session also.

Till then – play safe, play happy, play as often as you let yourself.

Welcome to 2021

Happy New Year - Welcome to 2021

New Year Eve 2021

Probably no year in living memory has been as hard for as many people as 2020 has been. But now, almost 2 weeks into 2021, there is some hope for normality to break out again. We have Covid vaccines being rolled out, a new President to contend with and with just a little love, an economy promising to revive to its pre-Covid glory.

With heart felt sincerity – please have a safe, happy and prosperous 2021 no matter who or where you are.

Silent Quivers Goals for 2021

SilentQuivers Website – I don’t see a great change in direction. I’d like to add more stories and more often and to expand in all directions.

A big problem with stories is that I don’t much like the story posting in the blog concept. I’d much rather a dedicated stories page. I am yet to find that solution.

Personally – I can feel myself getting older making me want to make the most of my time. At the same time I feel my precious preconceived ideas causing guilt fading slightly and acceptance of my kink improving.

I want to indulge in more sessions but also to have some changes, some new things, some new ideas added to those sessions. In 2020 I had one session, in 2018 I had 2. In some years prior I had about 10 – I think I can surely have at least a few this year.

I feel I want to work more on acceptance and my sense of self. So often in 2019 and 2020 this struggled in the battle between my kink and vanilla lives.

Stories – I have so many more chapters to come;

Millennial Discipline Contract story is just needing a little cleanup and to fill in some blanks. I do like this story, hitting as it does my significant need for femdom corporal.

Riding Academy really has expanded past the first chapter. There are about 50,000 words just waiting some touch up. Annoyingly, I lost the last chapter- so there were some lessons learned from that.

Cyber Red Wire – (no chapters published yet) is more a full on sex-romance with some fetish and BDSM thrown in than the other way round. This too has grown hugely and for lovers of some action between the sheets, a good read.

Strapubus – I loved this story and I need to add another chapter or two.

Rat Creek Reformatory – I have a 2nd chapter started but nowhere near finished. I loved this concept and want to add at least one chapter in 2021.

Forum  No. It’s not happening. I looked closely at this but the time and effort required were just plain too much. Considering the amount of spam and phishing attempts I get now, adding a forum would comsume far too much time. Plus there has been an underwhelming response to the idea.

So welcome to 2021. Lets all enjoy the year.