Contradictions Are The Problem.
I know that. I envy the Vanilla crowd going about their daily life un -conflicted and without this disjoint inside them. For them there is no conflict, no secret passion, no inner turmoil or discussion about ‘is this for me‘ and ‘why do I do it‘ happening.
Inside me my logical Vanilla Self battles with my Kink Self asking all those questions; ‘why do you do this‘ and ‘isn’t your need for corporal punishment and bondage the most strange thing in the world?‘
At work I am dominant, with staff taking my instructions, all of us working together for the corporate might. At home I am the father figure, providing, co-leading and co-parenting a family. I am hardly ever submissive, rather I live with discussion and negotiation and defined roles.
My kink self turns this 180 degrees around. I take a sharp U-turn into the submission of bondage and corporal punishment. It fits so strongly within me, key-holing into a part of me I am forever surprised exists.
These contradictions within myself, these differences in my life bring conflict. I have an inner discussion; one part rejecting, another part accepting and wanting.
And it all changes with time.
Immediately after a session I feel relaxed and in a state of being deeply at ease with the world, having an inner rock solid balance. There is a near cathartic release in the sessions I have, the effects profound and deep.
Then time passes. My viewpoints change.
I remember the session. My Vanilla Self sees me being in bondage, straps binding me tightly as I’m bent over a bench. My Vanilla Self sees the mistress with the hugely scary prison strap delivering a strapping to me, cracking that strap down time and again with me pushing my butt back to her, inviting it down. And my Vanilla Self does not understand. It does not feel the need, share the acceptance and release I get. It rejects those things and talks only from logic and reason with the Vanilla Blinkers on.
My Vanilla Self recoils at the strangeness of it all. My Vanilla Self gets a voice, a voice of logic and reason shouts out, demanding to be heard, asking questions and bringing self doubt.
And what a strident clamour it is. What a good description. That Vanilla Voice shouts out about how strange the session is from a logical standpoint while ignoring what it really is; part of me.
Then with a little more time, as in like right now, my Vanilla Self recedes into the background -or- it understands that my Kink Self really does need this so the Vanilla Voice eases up its strident clamour.
So now my Kink Self needs attention, demands action and wants the release of a session.
So Where Is The Need Coming From?
As I said, it is within me. But it changes. It morphs, it dies down then flares up. It can smolder with little heat in it, and at other times it flares into an incandescent fury like the sun.
My perceptions change with time. When it is near dormant it all feels strange and scary. When it flares, it pulls and calls and feels like the most natural of things. My perceptions change dramatically.
So why? Why now? Why does it change?
Time is the simple answer but behind that are the causes.
Stress, tension, the way I am inside all add and if anything, multiply my needs. I can go weeks or months between sessions and feel little need. Then when the pieces of my life conspire, I need another session and quickly.
Accepting That I Need A Session
Self honesty can be so difficult, so elusive. A problem is that it doesn’t feel like it will provide the instant gratification it should. I can;t shout my needs out to the world, let it all out, as it is too ingrained in me to do that.
Deluding myself, avoiding and denial come naturally to me. I am an expert at that with decades of successful (ignoring the effects) practice at it. They are less challenging and pander to my Vanilla Self – but they are destructive. They make the pressure build. I know that, yet I still do it. Thus is a contradiction of self.
But accepting I need a session is a definite time.
Before this, a session might happen some time in the future. After this, it will be happening soon. I have mad emy mind up. I put a date on it. I move toward it.
Getting to this point takes time, at least a few weeks after a session. Right now, it is about 7 weeks – and I’ve felt this way, that I need a session, for at least a week.
Soon, please make it soon, I will book the session and hence a date will be set.
After Acceptance Come Planning The Session
There are only two questions; when will it happen and what will happen.
The when is the most straightforward. Next week I say to myself.
The what is more complicated. I’ve had so many sessions and they have been so alike because that is what Ive asked for and what I’m drawn to. Sure, there are differences, different mistresses, differences in the corporal and bondage yet they are still very similar.
I’m feeling like I want something new.
I did a training session with an apprentice mistress some time ago, and that was ok. I found interacting with her, advising, talking, brought me back from sub-space which I didn’t want, but the session was still great as it was different. The trainee mistress was lovely and it was nice to interact like that in a session. A common theme for me is acceptance, so interacting with someone else in a session spoke to that.
Years ago a particularly striking (pun intended) dominatrix gave me some cold caning and cold prison strapping sessions. She was challenging at the least of times, with those cold-sessions she pushed me to my limits. I feel like doing that again. It has been a while. The mistress I’m seeing now has her own prison strap, maybe we can do a cold-strapping comparison. That would be interesting.
More thought required. I’ll document this next session also.
Till then – play safe, play happy, play as often as you let yourself.