How Do you know BDSM is For You

Is BDSM for You?

This will surely differ from person to person, but here are my experiences and thoughts. You can maybe get some feeling for yourself, if you are wondering if BDSM is for you.

The whole concept of bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism can seem strange to surreal. But for some of us it has a pull like gravity.

bdsm

For Me It Evolved

At about age 14 I tried self bondage, I have no idea why. It just sort of happened. And I liked it. A lot.

Over the years this became a regular thing. Tying myself up with belts became the illicit pleasure I could indulge in and get the release and gratification I wanted. At that time the term BDSM did not exist.

Why belts? It just is. I love them, the sensation, the visual, the whole thing. Rope, chain, anything else just does not do it. Again, this is part of me. Not learned. Not forced on me. It just happened.

When I had my first proper pro-Domme session in a dungeon corporal punishment happened and I loved it. The two sensations, the bondage and the corporal combined to produce an extremely strong response.

So, for me, it started with self bondage and then corporal was added.

I’ve looked at the internet, seen the huge range of other things that BDSM has to offer and for me, but I’ve stuck with the corporal and bondage.

There Are So Many Options

I remember in one session, the mistress had a huge jug of water she was drinking. She finished it then put it outside the dungeon on the corridor floor. A short while later there was a tap on the door. She got a fresh jug of water and was drinking that one. I asked her later about it – she said she had a golden shower session next. I wasn’t tempted.

Another mistress offered me some strap-on play. She even showed me her harness. I liked the leather harness, the whole pegging thing didn’t do it for me.

So, from the above, it is clear I have my own BDSM needs, desires, call them what you want – have been static. They haven’t morphed into other things.

I Was Born With This

The mistress I’m currently seeing was adamant that I was born this way, as are all her clients.

I can feel that within myself, it just is. I can’t explain it. Same as I can’t explain the other hobbies I enjoy – they just are.

What About you?

Do you think about some BDSM activity occasionally?

Is there some fantasy involving BDSM?

Have you looked it up on the internet, maybe looked for some porn featuring your special thing?

If any of those are true, then my guess is you will be doing some BDSM before too long.

Why I Went To a Pro-Domme

A few reasons. I suppose I never thought of going to a play party or joining a forum or group. I had seen some porn with mistresses and bondage and corporal and it looked hugely appealing. Also, well, it was quite a long time ago and the internet was in its infancy. Things like ‘Fetlife’ and all the other sites and forums didn’t exist then.

Next, I wanted to try with someone who was an expert, would not want any kind of emotional attachment, was in a private setting, and I could confide in.

Privacy was and still is a big thing. What happens in the dungeon stays in the dungeon.

Would I do it that way again? Yes I would. Sure there was a cost, but she met all my requirements and it ended well.

Would I recommend people thinking about trying some BDSM try a pro-Domm type session? Yes I would. You get to talk to someone totally non judgemental, professional, experienced and able to give you advice, options, and expose you to some things you might not have thought of.

Maybe the depth of play will guide you. For me the bondage and corporal are pretty full on. I want the undivided attention of the mistress, the private theater to focus on me. Then go home. If you are looking for a life-style type thing, for a life partner, for a dom or master or a 24/7 type arrangement, then clearly the pro-dom sessions are not for you.

Maybe you want a night out and some BDSM to be talked about, maybe watch some public play, maybe meet people into the scene? Again the pro-dom thing is not for you – join a forum, do some events. There are plenty around.

Bucket List To Try BDSM

The mistress I’m seeing said she recently had a client come to just try BDSM as it was on his bucket list. She smiled, nodded, then said he’d be back.

She doubted it was a bucket list thing – he must have had it inside him to try.

Tea Break Strapping

I Hate It When Dungeons Close

This has happened to me 3 times. The first dungeon I had an affection for – my first BDSM experience went so well that it felt special. Also, they had a wonderful spine, a fishbone harness (an arrangement of straps) I’m rather partial to and not found the equal to since. When I heard they closed I wanted to purchase that harness but missed out. Oh well.

The second dungeon was a narrow two stored terrace house with 3 small dungeons. I wasn’t all that in love with it but the mistress I’d been seeing was very good. Super strong. I remember showing her my collection of belts and straps (in its infancy). She put her head in the bag, breathed in deeply, and said the loved the smell of leather. In the session she said the belt was her favourite even though she and her sister had got it from their father when they played up.

Anyway. I digress. The second place closed, then re opened, then closed again. They just couldn’t make it work.

Some Venues Are Different

The mistress I’d been seeing was very good, we exchanged some SMSs then she arranged another new private venue a friend of hers had. On this occasion it was close to her birthday and mine also. My wife made her a chocolate mud cake she loved.

The dungeon itself was not to my liking much. It was part of a large factory which was deserted on the day, and in an industrial estate. However the session was pretty good. As she was getting into strapping me with a belt, we heard through a high window that was open the sound of people talking. And quite close too. It sounded like their tea break time.

As she strapped me, I remember listeing to them talking wondering if they could hear it, the cracks of the belt on bent bum. They didn’t seem to which made me think that if they did hear it, maybe they thought it was some machine or other cracking away.

I remember I was in my 50’s, so she gave me my birthday in cane strokes. Plus one to grow on. Ahh, happy memories.

Builders and Belting

Sometimes Words Aren’t Necessary

It was a few years ago now. The mistress was a tall German ex fashion model who took her profession very seriously. She said after our first session she’d had some muscle soreness from giving all the corporal and to combat that she’d taken up exercises in the gym. Well it worked.

During this session, the building was under repairs or renovations. Builders were working on the roof and during the session the clomp-clomp-clomp of their boots could be heard in the dungeon.

Well, if you’ve read my blog you know I have a significant belt fetish, and straps, and tawse too. I have a goodly collection and the Canadian prison strap is a feature. It is hard to say which are my favourites as they are all a little different but a common thing with them is that doubled belts make a nice loud crack when applied with force. When the perfect stroke is given, it sounds exactly like it should, like a gun shot almost.

Well, mistress was using a 2 inch wide doubled over belt on my butt and the cracks really were impressive. Her strength training sure was paying off and her enthusiasm meant she was throwing herself into it fully.

Then it happened. The builders started to use a nail guin. “POP” went the nail gun then “CRACK” went the doubled belt. This started to take on a life all its own. Mistress looked at me, I looked at her, then I smiled, then she smiled. She took that as a challenge. Each time the nail gun let one off, mistress wound up and strapped the belt down as hard as she could. Both echoed through the dungeon and down the corridor outside.

It was one of those moments where it’s not necessary to say anything. Besides I couldn’t as I was gagged.

Well, after a short while of this, the builders stopped. I said to my self, “naughty blighters, they’re listening” and that was what it felt like with just the sound of the belting happening. Mistress gave me a few dozen then selected another implement. in that short time of silence their clomping on the roof resumed. Maybe they were thinking about what was happening?

A Fight via email

Perils of eMailing a Dominatrix

The longer I go without a session, the more I want one and the less likely an email I send to a mistress, a dominatrix, will be a good one.

I know I get so twitchy for the BDSM experience that when I’m composing the email, I usually say something stupid or somehow manage to offend.

One such case was memorable. And instructive.

How To Lose A Client

While I accept much of the blame for this, I suggest the mistress was fundamentally stupid. She should have realized I was in need and less than sensible with my email.

Also, lets face it, I am the client. I pay. She could have earned money from me over an extended time if her attitude had been better.

Ok, so what went wrong?

The mistress I’d been seeing had left the industry. Hence I needed to see someone else. I looked around, found a likely mistress and sent an email which managed to offend her in some way.

Well, she berated me. Pure and simple. She got right on my case. I now wonder if she thought I was into humiliation?

So I responded, ‘Ok. I won’t bother you again.‘ Clearly by her response she was bothered by me.

Well, she sent a second stinker and said I wasn’t very submissive and she didn’t say she wouldn’t see me. I never responded. I never will.

The Mistakes.

Firstly. My email was crappy. Simple. That was my only and big mistake.

She made  2 mistakes. She didn’t realize I was twitchy for a session. If she had, and had sent a better response I’d probably still be seeing her.

Her second mistake was the way she spoke to me. She was aloof and haughty and did not treat me like a person. In my email I had tried (I thought) to show her respect. Her email to me was totally disrespectful.

I remember thinking at the time that she was totally absorbed by herself. I remember thinking if that were the case, why would I want to see her?

By Contrast

I sent another email a few days later to another mistress. She seemed to understand me far better. We had many lovely sessions together.

I remember, my wife made her a chocolate mud cake for her birthday.

Free BDSM Stories Coming

Free BDSM Stories - News!

My dear friend Trikki Watson has sent me 61,052 words of rough text he has allowed me to publish. It is for his new book Dominating Gravity.

My first reading of it is that it is more of a vanilla techno thriller with some BDSM on the side to spice up the tech. All good, I’ll just add a little more BDSM to spice it up even more!

So, here’s the plan. I’ll try to publish 5,000 word chapters regularly, maybe every week or two. That is the goal.

Growing up in a poor neighborhood, books were my escape. They still are and this is my connection to Trikki and others.

I love to be transported, to be enchanted, to live another life in a good book. Hopefully you’ll feel the same also.

Stories

Escape and enjoy another reality. Read.

Understanding The Need for BDSM

BDSM Is a Peculiar Thing

This is about my love for BDSM and how it has affected me and my perceptions for decades. Probably half a century.

A recurring theme for me is why do I need BDSM in my life? Mixed with that is self-examination of what it is that I like and what I get out of it.

Why Is BDSM a Peculiar Thing?

If you are asking that and BDSM is a part of your life like it has been for me, congratulations, you’ve achieved a level of acceptance far greater than I ever have and maybe ever will. I envy you. Seriously.

Maybe the test should be – you can comfortably go and tell your grandmother all about your BDSM needs. The degree of discomfort this produces can be the test of your acceptance level.

Sometimes I feel precious about this. Sometimes I feel that hey, it’s no big deal. Often I feel that me liking what I do like in BDSM and fetish is just not the same as what many would consider normal.

So why is it peculiar? I think because it goes against accepted norms, it challenges so many things I grew up with, and worst of all, it is different.

Does It Really Matter?

The answer should be NO. In reality, it only matters as much as you want it to matter.

The whole idea of BDSM, as far as I’m concerned, is that it is something that we are drawn to, we need, and it is something that happens between consenting people.

Sure, there is role play, fetish, pain, submission, dominance and any number of other factors that may be part of a BDSM session.

BDSM and fetish

Fetish and BDSM are intertwined

The incontestable thing is that it works. It slakes a need, it makes us feel good. Some times, it is more than good, it is necessary.

I know I feel at peace, massively at peace, after a BDSM session. The contrast before and after are significant and people around me notice.

Some Wild Theories - Some Real Options

When my wife and I discussed my BDSM needs she really struggled to get her head around it.

She wanted to find a reason why I like, need, bondage and corporal punishment. It was and is so alien to her that she felt there must have been a reason other than what I told her (it is just a part of me).

Mistreated as a child: Nope, didn’t happen. I genuinely cannot ever think of any event that may have triggered my BDSM side. Not one.

Was it Because Of School: No. I don’t think so. I wasn’t subjected to corporal punishment that I would consider grievous. Sure, a strap was used in the classroom, as that was what was used in those days, but I don’t feel any resonance with that in myself. I know that some BDSM people harbor serious issues with corporal punishment in their school years. For me, it is not really a factor.

Is It Sexual: Yes and no. It has a similar feeling to sexuality, at a similar depth and with a similar impact. I feel the need for BDSM play so strongly, as strongly as the need for sex, but sex doesn’t happen for me in my BDSM play. I may well be non-representative in this, I probably am, but sex itself is not a factor for me. It is at that level but it doesn’t include it. Imagine if you will; you love sex, you go without it for a long time, then you have wonderful sex. That describes my BDSM experience.

Been tortured in another life: First of all this requires a strong belief in reincarnation, something I struggle with. If I were to believe in it, why would being tortured in another life mean I seek corporal now? It doesn’t seem to follow.

Somehow needing punishment for something: This is may be a factor but I truly struggle with it. I’m a grown adult and I know I have nothing to atone for, nothing that I need punishment to make up for some short coming. This may well be a possibility, but I struggle with it.

The need give up control and to just feel: Yes. This is closest. I go through life having to make decisions, trying so damn hard to make everything work together and being responsible. In a pro-dom session I’m in bondage, gagged, and given corporal that dissociates me from reality. In a short time I leave this world and enter another, sub-space if you will. My whole world comprises the dungeon, the mistress, the bondage and the corporal.

The Need to Submit: Or dominate.This is, if you believe everything that is written, a huge motive for BDSM. In real life I’m not all that submissive. I run a department with a staff and must take responsibility as well as be in control. Submitting, letting go, truly is cathartic. It is a strong element – but not the totality of it for me.

Self Esteem. The Need To Be Accepted, To Be Worthy: I can feel the edge of this. By participating in a BDSM session the role play, the acceptance, the feeling of being accepted and self esteem are boosted. By participating, all of a sudden a better reality is created, a reality where you/I fit in better. A reality that is more welcoming, less stressful, far more in tune with the deep internal needs.

For The Fetish: Yes also. This is a huge part of it. The mistress delivering corporal and the bondage all feed the fetish I have. In combination it is so very strong.

The Need to Feel Something. This may seem odd, but  having to deal with all of life’s stresses, I know I become almost dissociated from life. Sometimes it can be so strong that I feel like an  observer, removed, not a participant. It is as if nothing touches me, or if it does, it is only superficially. In a BDSM session, heavy corporal lifts me out of this world and I feel it. I really feel myself shaken, shifted, I am engrossed in it. I feel it. It is almost as if I rejoin the human race after a session.

Have you Ever Had Depression? I have. For me it was self consuming, life draining and a very dark place. I felt at times all the negative emotions you can name, and a way out just didn’t seem possible. I know that I still suffer it at times, and I also know that a heavy corporal session lifts me out of it, big time. The shock to the system jars me away from thinking about my depression, any feelings of anxiety or self pity and replaces them with something else. All of a sudden I’m dealing with something vastly different and – – it feels good.

So What Is The Conclusion?

BDSM is just a part of me, the same way as my liking for other things is. I am drawn to it for no external reason, nothing caused it other than my own inner need.

What I get out of it is a deep inner fulfillment. This is hard to describe, but fulfillment is at the core. It includes an inner peace, an inner lessening of tension that at times is almost a panic that I need something to continue to exist.

That last sentence – yes – without my regular BDSM experience I think life would be more difficult. I would find my stability of mind compromised, my ability to deal with the real world degraded over time.

~~ In reality there is no one single reason ~~

Im Listening

Feel Free To Give Feedback

After a few decades of keeping this inside, it is all venting out onto the internet almost without a filter.

It is marvelously cathartic. Should you feel the need to make contact, feel free to use  sq at silent quivers dot com.

I'm listening

Where To Now?

I’ve got probably a hundred posts in mind. Topics range from anecdotes, real world experiences, and even some corporate humour from my vanilla existance. I can also call on friends to provide some free stories – Trikki Watson is a treasure trove of material for this.

What is your favourite?

The Head Space Of Bondage

Bondage Is a Peculiar Thing

Thinking about it, bondage is all about head-space. Why would it be done otherwise? The feeling of restriction, the liking for how it is done and what is done are all about fetish, escape and submission. It is all rolled into one to produce a different level of consciousness.

Bondage is a strong affirmation of trust. To allow someone to put you into bondage, gagged, immobile and vulnerable is all about trust and submission. You trust the person to do this.

Bondage delights at so many levels but it also confounds. Time moves differently, the bondage experience changes perceptions and shifts the soul to new places and spaces.

At times in bondage in the dungeon it is as if a person looks down and says ‘why do you Iike this so much‘ but the undeniable fact is that it touches the soul deeply. And it is necessary. Thus is the contradiction of BDSM and fetish.

Even saying the word starts that tiny little piece of me thinking about my last session, and when can I have the next.

Bondage Is Many Things To Many People

We are all different. Why do we want bondage, why does it work, how does it work? The fact is that none of this matters. It is someting that pulls like gravity.

Bondage can be about submission, escape, fantasy, fetish – and I am sure there are other options for how and why people enjoy bondage.

I know for myself, it is a floating feeling, a feeling of quiet escape from reality that touches me as very few other things do.

Wrist cuffs

Wrist and ankle bondage

Wrapping the wrists and ankles, the feeling of restraints shift the perceptions. All of a sudden another reality begins to form.

Add a collar, a gag, some straps around the body to complete the bondage.

The more the body is restrained, the more inescapable the bondage, the greater the feeling of escape from reality, of release from tension, of peace.

To be in bondage is to be immersed in another world. Sublime.

Rope bondage

The more restriction, the deeper the feelings

ball gag

A simple ball gag enhances

Being gagged completes the bondage experience, affirming the slave truly is bound and under control. Nothing can change the outcome.

In a session, being gagged adds to the feeling of sub-space and submission.

Anything round the neck really pushes the headspace of bondage. A wide belt buckled firmly or a proper bondage collar really does add to the drifty dreamy feeling of bondage and submission.

Necks are a part of us that are surprisingly sensitive.

A simnple collar

Just a simple collar round the neck

Bondage is a peculiar thing. We give up the right to free movement and from that we gain so much. We free ourselves, we escape this reality, we devolve our mental state into another existence.

We give ourselves to someone else, for them to dominate and control. We are at their mercy. It is a two way street, we give them the power, they give us the release of the bondage and whatever else happens while in bondage.

Time in bondage is different. It is. It seems to slow, to change, to be so much more personal and intimate. Laying in bondage, the straps and belts, the collar and gag all tight and stopping movement and sound consume the soul. Moving ever so slight against the straps, feeling them on the skin, maybe hearing them creak slightly is sublime.

The materials matter. Bondage can be done with so many things, in so many ways. Some people prefer rope and this is a common thing. The love of jute or a particular type of rope used for bondage is easy to understand. For myself it is all about leather straps. These feed the whole fetish thing, make it stronger, work together.

Fetish comes into it of course. This determines how the bondage is done. Maybe handcuffs are something that excite, the thought of loss of control and the fantasy of being captured by the police kicks in. Perhaps chains are associated with being put in a dungeon and kept immobile for the master or mistress to use. It is all about the fantasy and what makes it more real.

Another form of restriction is a wet suit. At a simplistic level the form fitting tight wet suit insulates the body against the environment. The feeling is one of losing control, of tight constriction.

Bondage triggers escape and fantasy. These are strong for me. I feel myself regress and become much more submissive. The old me recedes into the background and life becomes so much more simple. I leave my cares behind. I am in bondage and at the mercy of others. My BDSM desires and needs feel this release and a deep deep peace pervades.

What is missing from my life that I need bondage? The answer is nothing. In my early teens I tried self-bondage for no other reason than it felt good.

I was just born this way. Decades of  introspection have shown me that there is no cause other than ‘it is the way I am.’ It is at the same level as liking one type of food and disliking another.

Iced Bum After Corporal

My First Caned Bum

My first pro-domm BDSM session was in the early 2000’s and I remember it rather well. This anecdote revolves around an iced bum.

Let me explain.

I had never experienced corporal punishment in a BDSM session before and I found that I was marking up very badly. Basically, the welts from a medium severity strapping and flogging were looking awful.

The mistress asked me if it was OK to continue, and considering it had taken 3 decades to have my first session, I said ‘I put myself in your hands’ as there was no way I wanted to stop.

Anyway, the session went very well and I got a lot out of it, even the caning at the end. She’d given me a six-er and asked how it felt. I asked for more and harder so she obliged.

So all in all, though I’d never been caned before, it had gone well. The problen was that my bum was looking rather second best. It looked pretty red raw and devastated. I remember it certainly stung.

After my shower, the mistress went off to get some ice for me, something to take the swelling down. When she returned, she had a steel salad bowl with about a half a handful of snowy ice in it, looking like the scrapings from a refrigerator freezer compartment.

It looked SO tragic.

At that moment we bonded. We both looked at the ice, then we looked at each other. It was so totally inadequate we both came close to laughing. What was I to do? Sit in it? The amount of ice, the size of my bum, the marking of my bum – it just made it all the more funny.

Sitting in the car on the way home I was wishing I’d brought a pound of frozen peas to sit on. Like wow, the stinging was surprising. I was later to find that the welts lasted a full week.

Clearly a pristine bum not used to corporal was easy to mark.

Trust and BDSM Play

Trust Is Core In BDSM

After so many years in BDSM, today I was reading about Trust in BDSM. It made me think about my sessions and the relationship between me and mistress. Trust is something I have taken for granted till now.

Here is a definition of trust; I am naked, my wrists cuffed and pulled above my head in suspension. Straps bind my legs and I’m tightly gagged. I can’t escape, I can’t make a sound. I can’t change the outcome. I have placed my body and my soul in the hands of mistress to do with as she wishes.

Then Mistress does as she wishes; Mistress picks up a prison strap. It is a replica of what was once used to beat prisoners in Canadian prisons. It is one of the more truly formidable instruments of punishment. She takes her time. She runs the strap through her hands as she savours the moment before she uses it. And then she does. I must take what she gives.

In session, it is all about trust. The sub, the slave, is given body and soul to the mistress, to the dom. The whole session is based on trust, empathy, and a connection between the players.

Mistress takes the prison strap then disciplines her slave just as she knows he needs it. Hard.

Slave places his self in her care, for her to deliver the punishment he craves.

Prison Strap

Almost designed to test trust

The hand providing support

Trust enables all players – trust is core.

Truth in admitting our needs, in defining play, is all based on trust. Trust lets the players move forward to achieve their goals.

BDSM is based on trust.

Heavy Corporal and BDSM Is Not Abuse

Heavy corporal punishment and bondage is the focus in my sessions. But this applies equally to other kinds of play.

The session leaves the slave in an altered state of euphoria. There can be many reasons a person seeks this out and operating at different levels. But the key feature is that the slave, the sub, seeks this out. Abuse is not a factor.

Always, the slave will work with the mistress, the dom, to define what is to happen. There will be some form of a script that will be followed to give the slave what is needed. This is called safe, sane, concensual play.

Even in Extension or No Limits sessions the mistress will always use judgement. When to stop will always be the most important consideration.

Same if the slave is needing a Judicial session which is designed to punish and push the limits without the slave being able to change the course of the session.

Any respectable and experienced mistress or dom will take into account how the slave is faring. For challenging sessions, this will not going to be the first such interaction – there will be experience between the participants on which to base how the session proceeds.

These are all reason I use pro-Dom mistresses in established premises. I know I can trust them, I place myself in their care.

What About Other Kinds Of Play

I dont have experience with them. I talk about what I have done, experienced, and have feelings for.

However, the whole Trust Dynamic will be happening. In traditional dom/sub play the sub will trust the dom to take care of them. To observers it may be tough love – punishments, restraints – positions and situations designed to test the sub. But that is the play.

Some forms of bondage are also based on a great deal of trust. Vac-beds which confine and restrict the vitim extremely heavily are another example. The players will have a trust relationship in play.

How Is It For You? Does this ring true when you think about it?