BDSM Is a Peculiar Thing
This is about my love for BDSM and how it has affected me and my perceptions for decades. Probably half a century.
A recurring theme for me is why do I need BDSM in my life? Mixed with that is self-examination of what it is that I like and what I get out of it.
Why Is BDSM a Peculiar Thing?
If you are asking that and BDSM is a part of your life like it has been for me, congratulations, you’ve achieved a level of acceptance far greater than I ever have and maybe ever will. I envy you. Seriously.
Maybe the test should be – you can comfortably go and tell your grandmother all about your BDSM needs. The degree of discomfort this produces can be the test of your acceptance level.
Sometimes I feel precious about this. Sometimes I feel that hey, it’s no big deal. Often I feel that me liking what I do like in BDSM and fetish is just not the same as what many would consider normal.
So why is it peculiar? I think because it goes against accepted norms, it challenges so many things I grew up with, and worst of all, it is different.
Does It Really Matter?
The answer should be NO. In reality, it only matters as much as you want it to matter.
The whole idea of BDSM, as far as I’m concerned, is that it is something that we are drawn to, we need, and it is something that happens between consenting people.
Sure, there is role play, fetish, pain, submission, dominance and any number of other factors that may be part of a BDSM session.
Fetish and BDSM are intertwined
The incontestable thing is that it works. It slakes a need, it makes us feel good. Some times, it is more than good, it is necessary.
I know I feel at peace, massively at peace, after a BDSM session. The contrast before and after are significant and people around me notice.
Some Wild Theories - Some Real Options
When my wife and I discussed my BDSM needs she really struggled to get her head around it.
She wanted to find a reason why I like, need, bondage and corporal punishment. It was and is so alien to her that she felt there must have been a reason other than what I told her (it is just a part of me).
Mistreated as a child: Nope, didn’t happen. I genuinely cannot ever think of any event that may have triggered my BDSM side. Not one.
Was it Because Of School: No. I don’t think so. I wasn’t subjected to corporal punishment that I would consider grievous. Sure, a strap was used in the classroom, as that was what was used in those days, but I don’t feel any resonance with that in myself. I know that some BDSM people harbor serious issues with corporal punishment in their school years. For me, it is not really a factor.
Is It Sexual: Yes and no. It has a similar feeling to sexuality, at a similar depth and with a similar impact. I feel the need for BDSM play so strongly, as strongly as the need for sex, but sex doesn’t happen for me in my BDSM play. I may well be non-representative in this, I probably am, but sex itself is not a factor for me. It is at that level but it doesn’t include it. Imagine if you will; you love sex, you go without it for a long time, then you have wonderful sex. That describes my BDSM experience.
Been tortured in another life: First of all this requires a strong belief in reincarnation, something I struggle with. If I were to believe in it, why would being tortured in another life mean I seek corporal now? It doesn’t seem to follow.
Somehow needing punishment for something: This is may be a factor but I truly struggle with it. I’m a grown adult and I know I have nothing to atone for, nothing that I need punishment to make up for some short coming. This may well be a possibility, but I struggle with it.
The need give up control and to just feel: Yes. This is closest. I go through life having to make decisions, trying so damn hard to make everything work together and being responsible. In a pro-dom session I’m in bondage, gagged, and given corporal that dissociates me from reality. In a short time I leave this world and enter another, sub-space if you will. My whole world comprises the dungeon, the mistress, the bondage and the corporal.
The Need to Submit: Or dominate.This is, if you believe everything that is written, a huge motive for BDSM. In real life I’m not all that submissive. I run a department with a staff and must take responsibility as well as be in control. Submitting, letting go, truly is cathartic. It is a strong element – but not the totality of it for me.
Self Esteem. The Need To Be Accepted, To Be Worthy: I can feel the edge of this. By participating in a BDSM session the role play, the acceptance, the feeling of being accepted and self esteem are boosted. By participating, all of a sudden a better reality is created, a reality where you/I fit in better. A reality that is more welcoming, less stressful, far more in tune with the deep internal needs.
For The Fetish: Yes also. This is a huge part of it. The mistress delivering corporal and the bondage all feed the fetish I have. In combination it is so very strong.
The Need to Feel Something. This may seem odd, but having to deal with all of life’s stresses, I know I become almost dissociated from life. Sometimes it can be so strong that I feel like an observer, removed, not a participant. It is as if nothing touches me, or if it does, it is only superficially. In a BDSM session, heavy corporal lifts me out of this world and I feel it. I really feel myself shaken, shifted, I am engrossed in it. I feel it. It is almost as if I rejoin the human race after a session.
Have you Ever Had Depression? I have. For me it was self consuming, life draining and a very dark place. I felt at times all the negative emotions you can name, and a way out just didn’t seem possible. I know that I still suffer it at times, and I also know that a heavy corporal session lifts me out of it, big time. The shock to the system jars me away from thinking about my depression, any feelings of anxiety or self pity and replaces them with something else. All of a sudden I’m dealing with something vastly different and – – it feels good.
So What Is The Conclusion?
BDSM is just a part of me, the same way as my liking for other things is. I am drawn to it for no external reason, nothing caused it other than my own inner need.
What I get out of it is a deep inner fulfillment. This is hard to describe, but fulfillment is at the core. It includes an inner peace, an inner lessening of tension that at times is almost a panic that I need something to continue to exist.
That last sentence – yes – without my regular BDSM experience I think life would be more difficult. I would find my stability of mind compromised, my ability to deal with the real world degraded over time.
~~ In reality there is no one single reason ~~