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The Head Space Of Bondage

Bondage Is a Peculiar Thing

Thinking about it, bondage is all about head-space. Why would it be done otherwise? The feeling of restriction, the liking for how it is done and what is done are all about fetish, escape and submission. It is all rolled into one to produce a different level of consciousness.

Bondage is a strong affirmation of trust. To allow someone to put you into bondage, gagged, immobile and vulnerable is all about trust and submission. You trust the person to do this.

Bondage delights at so many levels but it also confounds. Time moves differently, the bondage experience changes perceptions and shifts the soul to new places and spaces.

At times in bondage in the dungeon it is as if a person looks down and says ‘why do you Iike this so much‘ but the undeniable fact is that it touches the soul deeply. And it is necessary. Thus is the contradiction of BDSM and fetish.

Even saying the word starts that tiny little piece of me thinking about my last session, and when can I have the next.

Bondage Is Many Things To Many People

We are all different. Why do we want bondage, why does it work, how does it work? The fact is that none of this matters. It is someting that pulls like gravity.

Bondage can be about submission, escape, fantasy, fetish – and I am sure there are other options for how and why people enjoy bondage.

I know for myself, it is a floating feeling, a feeling of quiet escape from reality that touches me as very few other things do.

Wrist cuffs

Wrist and ankle bondage

Wrapping the wrists and ankles, the feeling of restraints shift the perceptions. All of a sudden another reality begins to form.

Add a collar, a gag, some straps around the body to complete the bondage.

The more the body is restrained, the more inescapable the bondage, the greater the feeling of escape from reality, of release from tension, of peace.

To be in bondage is to be immersed in another world. Sublime.

Rope bondage

The more restriction, the deeper the feelings

ball gag

A simple ball gag enhances

Being gagged completes the bondage experience, affirming the slave truly is bound and under control. Nothing can change the outcome.

In a session, being gagged adds to the feeling of sub-space and submission.

Anything round the neck really pushes the headspace of bondage. A wide belt buckled firmly or a proper bondage collar really does add to the drifty dreamy feeling of bondage and submission.

Necks are a part of us that are surprisingly sensitive.

A simnple collar

Just a simple collar round the neck

Bondage is a peculiar thing. We give up the right to free movement and from that we gain so much. We free ourselves, we escape this reality, we devolve our mental state into another existence.

We give ourselves to someone else, for them to dominate and control. We are at their mercy. It is a two way street, we give them the power, they give us the release of the bondage and whatever else happens while in bondage.

Time in bondage is different. It is. It seems to slow, to change, to be so much more personal and intimate. Laying in bondage, the straps and belts, the collar and gag all tight and stopping movement and sound consume the soul. Moving ever so slight against the straps, feeling them on the skin, maybe hearing them creak slightly is sublime.

The materials matter. Bondage can be done with so many things, in so many ways. Some people prefer rope and this is a common thing. The love of jute or a particular type of rope used for bondage is easy to understand. For myself it is all about leather straps. These feed the whole fetish thing, make it stronger, work together.

Fetish comes into it of course. This determines how the bondage is done. Maybe handcuffs are something that excite, the thought of loss of control and the fantasy of being captured by the police kicks in. Perhaps chains are associated with being put in a dungeon and kept immobile for the master or mistress to use. It is all about the fantasy and what makes it more real.

Another form of restriction is a wet suit. At a simplistic level the form fitting tight wet suit insulates the body against the environment. The feeling is one of losing control, of tight constriction.

Bondage triggers escape and fantasy. These are strong for me. I feel myself regress and become much more submissive. The old me recedes into the background and life becomes so much more simple. I leave my cares behind. I am in bondage and at the mercy of others. My BDSM desires and needs feel this release and a deep deep peace pervades.

What is missing from my life that I need bondage? The answer is nothing. In my early teens I tried self-bondage for no other reason than it felt good.

I was just born this way. Decades of  introspection have shown me that there is no cause other than ‘it is the way I am.’ It is at the same level as liking one type of food and disliking another.

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Iced Bum After Corporal

My First Caned Bum

My first pro-domm BDSM session was in the early 2000’s and I remember it rather well. This anecdote revolves around an iced bum.

Let me explain.

I had never experienced corporal punishment in a BDSM session before and I found that I was marking up very badly. Basically, the welts from a medium severity strapping and flogging were looking awful.

The mistress asked me if it was OK to continue, and considering it had taken 3 decades to have my first session, I said ‘I put myself in your hands’ as there was no way I wanted to stop.

Anyway, the session went very well and I got a lot out of it, even the caning at the end. She’d given me a six-er and asked how it felt. I asked for more and harder so she obliged.

So all in all, though I’d never been caned before, it had gone well. The problen was that my bum was looking rather second best. It looked pretty red raw and devastated. I remember it certainly stung.

After my shower, the mistress went off to get some ice for me, something to take the swelling down. When she returned, she had a steel salad bowl with about a half a handful of snowy ice in it, looking like the scrapings from a refrigerator freezer compartment.

It looked SO tragic.

At that moment we bonded. We both looked at the ice, then we looked at each other. It was so totally inadequate we both came close to laughing. What was I to do? Sit in it? The amount of ice, the size of my bum, the marking of my bum – it just made it all the more funny.

Sitting in the car on the way home I was wishing I’d brought a pound of frozen peas to sit on. Like wow, the stinging was surprising. I was later to find that the welts lasted a full week.

Clearly a pristine bum not used to corporal was easy to mark.

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Trust and BDSM Play

Trust Is Core In BDSM

After so many years in BDSM, today I was reading about Trust in BDSM. It made me think about my sessions and the relationship between me and mistress. Trust is something I have taken for granted till now.

Here is a definition of trust; I am naked, my wrists cuffed and pulled above my head in suspension. Straps bind my legs and I’m tightly gagged. I can’t escape, I can’t make a sound. I can’t change the outcome. I have placed my body and my soul in the hands of mistress to do with as she wishes.

Then Mistress does as she wishes; Mistress picks up a prison strap. It is a replica of what was once used to beat prisoners in Canadian prisons. It is one of the more truly formidable instruments of punishment. She takes her time. She runs the strap through her hands as she savours the moment before she uses it. And then she does. I must take what she gives.

In session, it is all about trust. The sub, the slave, is given body and soul to the mistress, to the dom. The whole session is based on trust, empathy, and a connection between the players.

Mistress takes the prison strap then disciplines her slave just as she knows he needs it. Hard.

Slave places his self in her care, for her to deliver the punishment he craves.

Prison Strap

Almost designed to test trust

The hand providing support

Trust enables all players – trust is core.

Truth in admitting our needs, in defining play, is all based on trust. Trust lets the players move forward to achieve their goals.

BDSM is based on trust.

Heavy Corporal and BDSM Is Not Abuse

Heavy corporal punishment and bondage is the focus in my sessions. But this applies equally to other kinds of play.

The session leaves the slave in an altered state of euphoria. There can be many reasons a person seeks this out and operating at different levels. But the key feature is that the slave, the sub, seeks this out. Abuse is not a factor.

Always, the slave will work with the mistress, the dom, to define what is to happen. There will be some form of a script that will be followed to give the slave what is needed. This is called safe, sane, concensual play.

Even in Extension or No Limits sessions the mistress will always use judgement. When to stop will always be the most important consideration.

Same if the slave is needing a Judicial session which is designed to punish and push the limits without the slave being able to change the course of the session.

Any respectable and experienced mistress or dom will take into account how the slave is faring. For challenging sessions, this will not going to be the first such interaction – there will be experience between the participants on which to base how the session proceeds.

These are all reason I use pro-Dom mistresses in established premises. I know I can trust them, I place myself in their care.

What About Other Kinds Of Play

I dont have experience with them. I talk about what I have done, experienced, and have feelings for.

However, the whole Trust Dynamic will be happening. In traditional dom/sub play the sub will trust the dom to take care of them. To observers it may be tough love – punishments, restraints – positions and situations designed to test the sub. But that is the play.

Some forms of bondage are also based on a great deal of trust. Vac-beds which confine and restrict the vitim extremely heavily are another example. The players will have a trust relationship in play.

How Is It For You? Does this ring true when you think about it?

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Thank You To MistressTish

Thank You Mistress Tish

Mistress Tish on her website mentioned how much work we’ve been doing here on our website. THANK YOU. She totally gets it.

Silent Quivers website is exactly what I feel with the BDSM I like. It is not a small thing – it is earthquake strong inside me and it has been my life for many decades now.

Depression and Anxiety

Briefly, for those coming from Mistress Tish’s website, the Silent Quivers from BDSM has a deep fundamental impact on the psyche. It can’t be ignored, it can’t be denied, and if something is not done about it, it is damaging. It was for me.

For myself, I was in denial for decades. Then in a time of stress, I broke. Depression was the result, with panic and anxiety attacks. Life was not good.

Suicidal thoughts were never far away either. Some days I said ‘I’ll end this tomorrow‘ and each day I put it off – thankfully.

It was only through accepting  the ‘BDSM IN ME’ that I was able to cope with life again. From that came acceptance, then peace, then happiness.

Life really does shine when you come to accept all it has to bring.

About Mistress Tish

I’ve known Mistress Tish for a half dozen years. We email regularly and I watch her website for updates. From what I can make out, she is unique.

Sometimes the ‘book by its cover’ saying could not be more true and none more so than for Mistress Tish. She has a half dozen years experience as a high end Dominatrix. She also holds a PhD in quantum foam space physics and mathematics. Her problem solving and practical hands on bent suits both her professions.

In the dungeon, her analytical and problem solving skills merge with a deep understanding of BDSM to produce sessions that leave clients absolutely engrossed and fulfilled.

In physics it places her at the lead in her field of experimental and theoretical physics, so much so that her startup company is now in the running for significant contacts.

Mistress Tish

It also dosn’t hurt that in fetish she is drop-dead stunning.

Do any research and it is clear Mistress Tish is an absolutely gorgeous Mistress, a Dominatrix, at the top of her profession.

She crafts sessions then works them to bring her clients to new levels of experience.

Her biographer (and I suspect client) Trikki Watson has more than a few stores about Mistress Tish. He’s published a few on Amazon and has told me about more that are coming.

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Changing Mistresses

Twenty Mistresses in Fifteen Years

I’ve seen many mistresses in my time. A valid question is, “Why have you seen 20 Mistresses and not settled on one or two?”

Well the reasons are quite simple and instructive.

Some I’ve had a falling out with, some have left the scene, one died, some were just not for me.

Here are some anecdotes.

Bust Up

My first Mistress and I became quite friendly, not intimate (get that out of your head), but we did enjoy each others’ company outside of a session. We could talk to each other and had a similar world view, shared interests and a shared similar sense of humor. Over that time I indulged myself with her, sending her bigger and bigger emails about my problems and not being much of a friend back to her. Perhaps I abused our friendship.

Our friendship ended when she sent me a stinker of an email that left me in no doubt that she wanted nothing more to do with me. It was the most brutally rude and deliberately hurtful email it was possible to receive. To my discredit I tried to contact her a few years later but she thankfully ignored that stupid advance of mine.

Then some years later and rather amusingly, she started working at the establishment I was going to. She was even scheduled onto the same and only day that the Mistress I visited worked. Unfortunately the Mistress I was seeing only worked one day of the week otherwise I would have changed my visits. Of course the inevitable happened when I was leaving the dungeon after a very pleasant session, eye contact between me and my first Mistress was made and words were not spoken. Email was not exchanged. She did look good in the skin tight rubber cat suit though.

Leaving The Scene

Quite a few Mistresses left the scene, some for other employment, one left the city for a warmer climate, some because the establishment I visited closed.

One left to another state which had more liberal sex worker laws. She felt like her life was made too difficult to remain.

Breast Cancer

One Mistress died. She was gorgeous, an ex-model with peaches and cream complexion, very tall and slim, lovely to talk with and she was excellent in a session.

She loved the whole corporal and bondage theme and seemed to be a natural at the whole thing enjoying the role-play of a strict Mistress disciplining a slave. Most of all, sessions with her whilst being nicely intense and ‘forceful’ were still fun.

I was extremely upset when she died after a protracted battle with cancer. I learned later that many of her clients attended the funeral and I wish I had done that. I assumed, wrongly, that it wasn’t the accepted thing.

Another Bust Up

I had a falling out with another Mistress I had nine sessions with.

She was very tall and slim and athletic, another ex fashion model. She really loved heavy corporal to the extent it could not be faked. She was really into it.

On our second session she said she’d had a little upper body stiffness and muscle pain after the first session but she’d been working out.

My goodness, she loved my implements so much so I even had a copy of a favorite strap of mine she liked, made specially for her by a saddler.  It was the off billet strap, the ‘prince of straps’ as I commented to another mistress recently.

She said she used it on some other clients who squealed which I believe as it is a very severe implement if used with any force (which she would have).

Anyway, she had an enormous fight with the establishment I was going to. I didn’t ask for details but she was absolutely furious and insisted I have nothing to do with that place again. She said it was unprofessional and not a nice place. Over the ensuing weeks my needs grew and grew as they do; the longer without a session the more they grow.

We exchanged email, she wasn’t able to find another dungeon to work at then she exploded in rage when I told her I was going to see someone else. She then moved to another city then left the country to work in Europe.

No Idea Why I Saw Her Again

One Mistress I saw three times and in hindsight I don’t know why. She was nice enough as a person and the corporal was OK and the session was OK but she was plainly a bit out of her depth.

On talking with her it came out she’d been abused as a child, then abused by partners, then had problems in her life.

She said she was returning to university and working three jobs; waiting on tables, as a cleaner, as a dominatrix. One day she just left and never came back. I didn’t have a fight with her, she just left.

A Broken Rib

As mentioned previously, i broke a rib on a session once. It was in a dungeon I didn’t like and the mistress and I just seemed to not really connect.

I share the blame for the broken rib and also, for accepting the dungeon that was not my preference.

I never saw this mistress again. Maybe I should have given her a second chance.

Almost But Not Quite Right For Me

One Mistress worked out of a large inner city brothel. The dungeon is quite small and I found it had too much equipment for the space. She was very good and the only Mistress to offer me hand relief. When I declined she said, “Should be more like you.” I found the session with her to be somewhat lack luster. There wasn’t a connection.

The other thing is I thought she wasted time in the session. It just didn’t seem to flow. Next, she was super sure of her self, almost arrogantly sure and that rankled. I never went back again. She is quite prominent in the industry.

There were a few Mistresses like this. The gut-feel just didn’t work.

The Princess

One mistress was quite young and she really did have some personality issues. I suspected at the time she’d been told how beautiful she was one too many times, and that affected her attitude, badly.

The session was just plain average. She was not really into it and I felt she would have rather have been checking her mobile phone for messages or whatever.

The thing that absolutely stopped me from ever wanting another session with her was the comment, ‘If I have to sweat, you pay me cash.’ A sweet young thing!

Any Conclusion?

So those are the reasons. Of the ones where they were just not for me, maybe half of them were because I didn’t read their profiles properly.

The remainder are the luck of the draw. Some mistresses I feel an immediate connection with and we have multiple to many sessions. I think there have been about 3 mistresses I’ve had 8 or 9 sessions with then they’ve left the industry.

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Breaking A Rib in BDSM Play

BDSM Play is Generally Safe

BDSM play in a professional establishment is generally safe, I wouldn’t do it there if that were not the case. There are a number of things that good establishment do to ensure safe play such as training, hygiene and equipment quality.

However it is normal that some of the activities can certainly be dangerous if not done properly.

There are fail-safes in common use. For example, the use of a Safe Word in a session means that the slave/sub can’t take any more. If the slave is gagged, then something can be dropped to show the session is going a little far. Maybe a line has been crossed, maybe the mistress has pushed too hard, maybe the slave has not communicated what is a turn off or not wanted. No matter. The use of a Safe Word or action stops an activity and it can stop a session.

In this anecdote, I’d been going to the same establishment for maybe a dozen years. The mistress I’d been seeing was no longer available so I booked a session with another. This session was one of the two times I’ve used the safe word in a session.

How To Break A Rib

The mistress I chose was very professional, very good and obviously experienced. She asked me what I wanted in a session and what I didn’t want. She asked about any illnesses and injuries which is the mark of a good mistress. Health issues in BDSM are serious concerns.

When I booked the session I asked for a particular dungeon. When the mistress finished my pre-session discussion she said the room was not available as another client was having a longer session and so his needs were greater than mine. She talked me into using a smaller dungeon. I was annoyed as I’d been a regular and had about 30 sessions there by then. Anyway, I agreed.

The session started and she was very good. Very strict. Very heavy with the discipline. She positioned me over a caning bench then gave me some heavy corporal. I moved around a bit, put pressure on a rib which then broke. The pain was sharp and continuous, I felt it crack, and breathing was difficult.

I called the Safe Word ‘Mercy’ and also said ‘Mercy on the session Mistress, I’ve got a cracked rib and can’t continue.’

She was surprised and disappointed. I wasn’t cross or angry with her (at least not that I remember). I found breathing painful and did for the next month or so.

I just wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible. The whole dynamic had been broken.

She offered another session at a reduced rate but I declined. She realized she’d lost a client. Reading that later I see the injustice of it, she was very good so maybe I should have had more sessions with her. Maybe I was hasty.

I felt more annoyed at not having the dungeon I wanted than at anything else. She’s still doing sessions at the same place now, but I’ve never seen her again for a session.

What Went Wrong

There were some basic mistakes made.

The first one was that I didn’t listen to my inner gut feeling. The room I had booked had been given to someone else, and sure they can do that. I should have cancelled the session. It would have been hard-assed but I should have done it. Pure and simple. I booked the room. They decided a 2 hour session was more important than my one hour session even though I had been going there maybe 6 years at that time. I remember feeling betrayed/annoyed/let down.

The second mistake was that I didn’t particularly bond with the mistress, I didn’t feel a rapport or a need to try again. I felt the absence of that ‘spark’ that I’ve felt so many other times. Cancelling before the session would have been difficult and upset the mistress but I wouldn’t have had a cracked rib and she would not have lost a client. I would have come back again later. Probably.

Now this mistress herself is very good. She started by asking me many questions about health and well being which some do not ask so she clearly has all the skills. This mistress was good that way. The problem is that the caning bench allows too much movement and it put pressure on one place hence the cracked rib. In my mind is the thought that she didn’t restrain me properly. It was not a good piece of furniture and I’ve been careful to avoid anything like it since.

In the future, if the room I want is not available, then it is no session for me that day.

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Free Stories

Coming Soon - Free BDSM Stories

Over the decades I’ve enjoyed reading stories about BDSM scenarios. Usually there is bondage and discipline in them which mirrors many of the scenarios I play in real life.

Well, I’ve decided to publish some stories along those lines. They will be pretty much full on BDSM stores. Lots of corporal punishment and lots of bondage.

The first to be published will be a prison based one, ‘Rat Creek Reformatory’ where the inmates are subject to a strict regime designed to get the very best out of them.

My friend Trikki Watson is also donating some short stories. He’s got a book of them coming soon so he said he would like to preview a few stories here. One called ‘Robyn’s Session’ has a few paragraphs below.

Snippet. Robyn's Session

This is just the first 2 paragraphs, then a few paragraphs from later on You’ll get the idea. Note that it is told from the perspective of Mistress Tish.

Robyn’s Session

She didn’t have many female clients but among that small number, Robyn was stand-out unique in her need for heavy corporal punishment. But she did like Robyn even with her odd ways.

Robyn made her genuinely smile and that was rare enough. It was just that Robyn was more like a man than a woman in her need for the special services that she provided and also, well, she was a nice person. Plus, and never to be underestimated, Robyn was brutally honest about herself and life in general.

-not long later Robyn is in suspension, the session just started-

She moved behind Robyn and ran a hand down Robyn’s spine, moving a finger across Robyn’s hips from side to side then down over her butt. Robyn jumped slightly, shook slightly and tested her bondage. She watched as Robyn moved her head from side to side, feeling the collar strapped round her neck, feeling how the leather restricted movement and kept her aware of her situation. She could see Robyn’s front in the mirror, her breasts wobbling slightly as she pulled on her wrists and probably on her ankles against the spreader bars. Robyn was testing the bondage.

As she watched, she saw Robyn change, morph, move into a different personality. Robyn was entering sub space, fully becoming the slave.

“The belt first,” she said quietly into the silence when she stood in front of Robyn.

She took off her wide leather belt and wrapped it round her fist till just a foot long strap was hanging free. Pulling on the end of it, tightening it up, she extended that to just under a foot and a half, the perfect length. This was part of the theater for Robyn, the visage of the Mistress preparing for the discipline, her the slave in bondage. This was just the same as for her male clients.

Putting the end of the belt over her shoulder, keeping it there for a second as Robyn focused on it, she brought it around in a lazy forehand round-house stroke strapping it across Robyn’s left breast giving it a crisp cracking blow.

The breast wobbled and Robyn shook. She jumped and gasped, her eyes half closed as she was well into the dream already.

Now with the belt stroke, Robyn was sent free falling into sub space, only the belt, the Mistress and her bondage intruding. And now the sting of the strapping.

Strapping her breasts was something Robyn had asked about and tried. On her first session she’d admitted it had been a high point. The Mistress strapping her there was something so alien, so impossible, so femininely impossible that it became mandatory in all the sessions she’d had.

Her instant reaction meant she’d obviously been looking forward to this, thinking about it, wanting it.

“Yahhh. YOU fucking BASTARD!” screamed Robyn at the top of her lungs, penetrating out through the door and echoing into the corridor beyond.

The transformation was instant and complete and shocking. The first time this happened in a session she’d been quite astounded, thinking Robyn was cursing Mistress out but it became clear quickly.

Not that she would have been surprised if Robyn had cussed her. A strap across the breasts was unbelievable at every level. Who would apply the end of a belt to a woman’s breasts? What monster would do that? The answer of course was that slave must take what Mistress gave. It gave the slave a mighty hard push into sub space.

Running the end of the belt through her left hand to steady it and to help her aim, she gave Robyn’s right breast a healthy back hand stroke of the belt. The crack of the leather on the breast made the breast wobble and the slave convulse in her bondage. Robyn screamed out, “Yaagghhh, you’re such a bastard Jeremy, I’ll fucking kill you, you sick bastard.”

She gave Robyn another forehand then a backhand stroke of the end of the belt to Robyn’s breasts and each time Robyn swore at Jeremy calling him every name under the sun.

With a loud ‘crack’, then crack’ then ‘crack,’ then ‘crack,’ the belt end lashed Robyn’s breasts and each stroke brought profanity aimed at Jeremy. Jeremy was cast into hell. Jeremy was castrated with his balls sewn into his mouth. Jeremy was impaled on a red hot poker shoved up his ass. Jeremy had a live rat sewn into his mouth. Then he had a dead rat sewn into his mouth. Then he was drowned slowly in a bucket of feces she also pissed in as he drowned.

Continues in The Big book Of Naughty Shorts from Trikki Watson

 

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What I Would Change Now

Looking Back Reflectively

Strangely enough I have wished so many times that my need for BDSM did not exist. I wished I could be totally vanilla and other passtimes did the job that BDSM fits into.

But it is and that is life. I was born with it. It is a part of who I am and it has shaped my life. Without it I would be a different person.

For me BDSM is an escape, a transport mechanism that is deeply ingrained into me. The dungeon, the mistress, the implements, the session are all immensely attractive.

I wish I could have accepted my BDSM need better. Accepting that BDSM does not and should not have the stigma that it did for me for all those decades would be fantastic. My stress levels, my guilt, my difficult in dealing with the real world would have been so much easier.

The internet not being available in my teens till my forties made life difficult. If it had been available then, I am sure I would have used it and benefited.

I wish I had got professional advice earlier. Visited a psychologist. Then again, 3 or 4 decades ago their perceptions might not have been as liberal as they are now. I know when I had my first counseling session in the early 2000’s that it was immensely beneficial, beneficial to the point of life changing.

Where To From Here

Very simple. Live life. Make the most of it. Accept who I am. Have my sessions when I want or need them. Move forward. Be the best person I can.

 

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Pain and BDSM

Pain In BDSM Is Poorly Understood

Do any googling of pain and you’ll find definitions and articles written by medicos, researchers and journalists who are not into BDSM, or at least have only second hand experience, interviews, and self biases.

This blog post talks from first hand experience and a life time of inquiry.

Starting At The Beginning

The Definition of pain. ‘Pain is an unpleasant sensation caused by illness or injury.’ I have not included or limited to physical pain as depression and other mental issues cause a type of distress, a type of pain that is both very real and unpleasant.

Pain is the means for the body to tell you something is wrong. Without pain you would not know about that splinter, that disease, that cut; all those things that you must get seen to so you can remain healthy. Pain is a survival mechanism of the body to get you to act.

Pain is more than that to the BDSM community. It is included in some play, and it has its place.

Why Are you Here? Is it for research, for yourself, or are you just inquisitive?

This blog post is a journey into pain, how it is used, the effects and a discussion of the whole pain and BDSM dynamic.

Where am I in this? My perspective is that the BDSM play I like involves bondage and heavy corporal punishment. So there is considerable pain you would say. For me that is not an issue. It is an aspect of the play and it is a tool in the play to achieve what I want out of a BDSM session.

For me, pain is a tool, a part of a session and perhaps not the major part of it.

If you tell someone you are into BDSM their first reaction falls into a few categories and pain, if this is your kind of play, will be an issue for them to understand.

Work

Not In All BDSM

Thinking that all BDSM play has pain in it is like saying all icecream is chocolate. It simply is not the case.

BDSM is about consenting players performing roles that fit within the genre. Pain is only one aspect and is not in all BDSM.

When It Works

Pain in BDSM play is a tool, a segment of the play. It fits into other play and as such it adds. It can be cornerstone content or just peripheral.

When it works, pain in BDSM play can be cathartic, releasing, uplifting and transporting. It engulfs the recipient and focuses the mind.

The library

Why Oh Why?

Accepting pain in a BDSM session can seem too outworldly strange, so obscenely strange that being able to accept that people do actually have BDSM sessions designed to cause pain is difficult.

Their first question is “Why would anyone want to be whipped?”

But it is true. The infinite and amazing complexity of human nature means that there are people like this. I know. I am one of them. I can only speak from experience, and also add from my research.

Also this wrongly puts all pain related play, often known as impact play, into one tight box of definition. Pain can be very mild from a gentle scratching from fingernails, a gentle spanking just warming up the buttocks, or from clothes pegs, or from a spiked roller to the soles of the feet.

Some people hate certain implements. One mistress told me she has corporal punishment clients who can’t abide the cane as it brings back bad memories, so other implements are used.

The fact is, pain comes in many forms and many intensities.

Pain transports. For me this is the biggest effect of pain and the corporal punishment I like.

Pain is a transport mechanism. Nothing could be more true for me, and it is a part of the session, not the totality of it. It all works together as if in a matrix that defines the session.

Take the opposite of what I like. I imagine being in bondage and the mistress uses a feather or a soft gentle touch over my body. How on earth could I regress, feel cathartic relief, find myself totally engrossed in a session like that? It would be a waste of time.

Pain enhances an endorphin rush. The body in response to pain can produce a number of inner responses.

Endorphins are hormones with the body that can act to produce a feeling of euphoria and lessen the effects of pain. An endorphin rush happens when there is strong stimuli and in a BDSM session that can be through bondage and pain play.

Physical pain is focusing. It frees the mind of other things, of other cares, it is sharp and directed and it engulfs.

I promise, in a heavy corporal session my mind is nowhere else, thinking of nothing else. The only head space happening is there in the dungeon with mistress. When you add the endorphin rush, the head space, it is a powerful thing.

Pain is a sensation with stigma. If we stub our toe and complain about the pain, it is all good and normal. No one thinks twice and if you mention it, you get some sympathy. If we talk about corporal punishment in a BDSM session then all of a sudden it is thought of differently.

Remember The Golden Rules

Safe Sane Consensual play is the number one rule. All three things must combine before BDSM play is understaken. Sure, there is a thrill, a very real edge to breaking the rules. However the consequences may not be what’s intended.

Clearly my bias is toward scripted, negotiated types of play.

There are other types such as judicial and ‘extend me’ type sessions where the play is intended to really push the recipient, to make them accept more than they would normally ask for or want.

We Only Do What We Want is very true and no more true than in BDSM play.

In know that after some months away from BDSM, my needs change. I want more and deeper, stronger and longer session.

To this end I have asked mistresses to give me a cold prison strapping then a cold caning. This is corporal punishment with the most painful instruments without a warm up. It works really well in ‘sending’ me into sub-space and bringing on that endorphin rush, quickly. It is also very difficult to accept.

Easing Into It - Or Diving Right In

If pain is your thing, there are various types of play that involve it. For me it is corporal punishment, pure and simple. All the aspects of the session combine to make the session work for me, it is negotiated and it is what I want.

Gradually increasing the pain in a session is the typical method. The session has a warm up part when the sub/slave is subjected to ever more severe implements and with increasing levels of pain. At the start lighter implements may be used such as suede floggers and techniques such as hand spanking. Handspanking is very common and can be quite mild up to the surprisiongly effective when done well.

After the warm up, the level of activity ramps up. Over a period of ten minutes, a half hour or longer, mild spanking can morph into full strength strokes of an implement such as a belt, strap, whip or cane.

Sharp pain delivered without a warm up is usually referred to as a ‘cold’ type of session and usually an implement is mentioned.

These are hard to take, challenging. Usually a cold caning, or a cold strapping or a cold flogging is the kind of request or description only experienced players make. In my experience the mistress will be cautious in accepting such a session.

When it happens, the activity will be delivered with high intensity, hard, and is designed to shock the sub/slave, to test their limits and to bring an instant shock to the system.

There Are Similarities To Other Activities

Have you ever been stressed in your life then you take time off work (or whatever causes you stress) only to find it takes three days before your stress levels lower? Before you feel better?

Imagine an activity where you could compress those three days into a few hours? Imagine the sudden and life changing relief that transports you as all your cares are taken away. I know it well.

Mountain climbers, scuba divers, marathon runners, parachutists (you get the idea) are all people who engage in activities that demand total attention. Thinking about that board meeting, that argument with a spouse, anything less than full attention is not possible. Nothing exists other than that time when they are on the edge, staring at an activity that demands total attention.

Part of it will be conditioned. Just putting on the parachute and getting into the plane before a dive, putting on a wetsuit and all the gear before a dive – these are all transporting sensations that they have learned to accept with the pleasure and the release from their activity.

For myself, I know I start to regress, to get relief from stress, when I get into a car going on a holiday. I feel this stronger when I walk on a beach. It is stronger again when I put on a wetsuit and get into the surf. All these sensations, these stimulii all combine to transport, to capture, to engross and force other things out of my mind.

A BDSM Session is exactly the same. As soon as I walk into the dungeon it is just the same sensation. I Have Arrived is the feeling and it is so strong.

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Kink vs BDSM

The word ‘kink’ and the acronym ‘BDSM’ are often wrapped up into one. In our minds, and I am a cuilprit, I tend to blur them together.

Does it matter if there is a distinction? Is one more polite and better used in genteel company than others? When does the definition of these types of activity matter?

A Clinical Definition Of BDSM

Google tells me that BDSM involves a power exchange, and kink does not.

What does this mean? Basically that in BDSM play, one participant gives the other the power to dominate. That consent is the power exchange. It is given from one to the other.

Ok, that sounds reasonable, but what about solo-play when for example self bondage is practiced? Is that just kink? From the definition above it would appear to be the case. I am not so sure. It is bondage and hence falls into the acronym of BDSM.

As with many things, it is apparent there are gray areas.

Where is Fetish in all this?

The definition of fetish is when an object or body part assumes a greater significance, particularly if there is a sexual element in it.

For example, the prevalence of rubber fetish and leather fetish is well known. These are common. Same for a breast or bum fetish.

On the more vanilla front, shoe fetish is common, and same for handbags and clothes in general for many women (though I would presume the sexual element is missing). So then not all fetish is kinky!

Fetish is an ingredient into many activities and a valuable part. It adds. It provides substance and excitement. I like it!

For myself, I like a mistress to wear leather and have a wide belt she can both wear and use on me. So this is BDSM and fetish together.

So what about dressing in fetish then? Is that kink? Or BDSM if there is some bondage involved? My feeling is that just dressing in fetish is kink – pure and simple. If something happens with a play partner then it is heading into BDSM with fetish.

And Kinky Is?

The definition is involving or given to unusual sexual behaviour.

So, fetish and BDSM are seen as subsets of kink. Maybe kink is a global term and we can then drill down to fetish and BDSM.

Use In Conversation

This is totally subjective but I think it is easier and more gentle to say ‘I’m kinky‘ and allow the other person to then ask more or not.

A good friend of mine said he is kinky. After some discussion it turned out he was deeply into BDSM and I’m guessing this was his approach. To ease into it gently.

Does It Really Matter?

I think it really depends who you are talking to, the topics, and the impact it has on a person.

Where it probably matters the most is in our self perceptions. No longer do we need to think of ourselves as perverted or twisted. We now have some terms with accepted and non theatening definitions we can use. This is all to the better.

As per above, in general conversation it is probably better to start off with kink as the starter. maybe mention a little fetish and if necessary move into BDSM if that is the real topic. If you’re trying to chat someone up, that feels like a better approach.

My experience is that it all works well together, and perhaps trying to classify play as this or that etc is just a distraction. Just enjoy!

I really do wonder, does it matter? Do I care? Do you care? This whole desire to name and place activities within a box of definition is all very well, but maybe it is just a distraction