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Session Booked for 25th March 2021

All day I was thinking of making the call. As the day wore on I put my hand out a few times to make the call, then I pulled it back. Yes, I wimped out.

It was just so deeply…what?…scary?… Exciting?… Challenging?… Intimate?

I think it was all of the above. And more. It does bring that Silent Quiver in me.

Making The Decision

I’d been thinking of having another session for at least the last month. All that time it has been growing within me, pulling me forward.

I’ve felt my state of mind being fragile, liable to snap at people, tense and getting tension headaches. That is not me. Something was wroing and it was noticed.

Then it all fell into place.

This morning as I was talking to my wife, I told her how I feel. She nodded and commented that she’d seen the way I’ve been, then she actually suggested I have a session. She didn’t want to know the details, just that if I need it, then I should have it.

Then as I was closing the shop, after all the staff had left, I did it. I touched the phone then made the call. I booked my next BDSM session.

The Excitement

Have you ever had that feeling of excitement when you make a phone call that almost makes you quiver when you dial the numbers. Then when it rings you worry, will it be answered or not? Then you almost hope it won’t be answered because that will be a moment of truth when you have to cross a line, admit something, do something?

Then when it answers it is exciting. Thrilling almost.

That’s how I felt when it was answered.

So then it progressed the same as the many dozens of other such calls has; the reception person asked about the type of session, who I was wanting to book a session with, when, and the duration. She asked if I’d seen that mistress before then when it was all setup she asked me to confirm on the day. All good.

After this I sent a short email to the mistress. I am sure she has many other calls on her time so I don’t want to place a burden on her. Time is money after all and she has a life. I told her when I’d booked and said I hoped all was going well in her life.

I’ve also got a cunning plan to have a night out after the session, visit a quiet secluded cafe, have a dinner and document the session.

Comparing The Before To The After

There was a very big difference to how I felt before I booked the session, to how I felt afterwards. It was like a switch had been flicked inside me.

Previous to the phone call I’d been consumed with the thought of booking the session. I needed it, I had all the contradictory feelings of wanting it, but because it is so deeply personal to me, it felt such an intimate thing that making the call felt difficult.

Then after the call I felt relieved, relaxed and happy. I’d done something that I know I needed.

That then leaves what I want to happen in the session. I’ve mentioned some ideas in previous posts which I will think about over the coming few days.

I just need to make my mind up what I’ll be asking for in the session. The last one had been spectacularly good, the mistress really was excellent and based on over 15 years of experience, that is a high recommendation. I’d like that again, but a cold caning and prison strapping are calling me as well. Decisions, decisions!

So, only 2 sleeps to my next session!

Stay tuned for the write-up.

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Next BDSM Session Angst

It's Been Far Too Long

Soon after my last session I wanted another.

Then after 2 months I was deeply wanting my next session.

Now as the weeks crawled past that desire rises and falls but generally rises more than it falls. The allure of the leather mistress putting me in bondage and giving me corporal punishment in the BDSM dungeon only increases with time.

It doesn’t matter how severe the corporal is, how marked up I am, or how long the bruises take to go away, I want it again. And I want more.

One thing that consumes me is that the last session was so good, and how could I make the next session even better.

It feels silly saying that as you can only be tied up and given heavy corporal so many ways. But options do exist!

The Allure Of The New

Since I’ve been having similar sessions for 15+ years, finding points of difference, finding elements to make a session unique is not easy.

But still the idea of new things brings its own special excitement.

A year or so ago I had a training session with an apprentice to show her amd give her a chance to apply heavy corporal and that was sort of OK. It wasn’t as heavy as I wanted and in interacting with the apprentice it pulled me back from sub-space but it was overall a good once-off type of session. In fact, interacting with someone else in the session felt very good at an acceptance level, that I could be there and doing that and yet it was all fine and they wanted to make sure it was good for me. That’s a privilege I don’t take lightly.

But now I’m wanting another session. More and more.

Something Special For Mistress

On a whim, and because she really is very lovely, I had a strap custom made as a present for the mistress I see.

It is a copy of the off-billet strap I’ve had for a few years. I phoned around and could not find a leather one anywhere so I had to get it made by copying mine. In these modern times nylon has become much more the norm for this piece of saddlery. Where is the kink, the fetish in nylon? Nope, none in there at all!

The off-billet strap is two inches across and eighteen inches long when folded over (so it is three feet long) and is made of very heavy leather. Every mistress who has used it has commented at what a lovely piece of leather it is. It almost aches to be picked up and run through the hands. And for the leather lover, its scent is rather nice.

The off-billet strap is one of the more painful implements I have and it does work so very well for corporal. In fact, when given hard the difference from the prison strap is not that great.

Some time ago I had one of these made for a previous mistress who has since left the scene. I asked her if she’d had a chance to use it, some sessions later. She said she had and her client had squealed, and she liked that. She said it with a smile and gleaming eyes.

She was a tall powerful mistress, somewhat Amazonian and did love the whole corporal thing. Hence my present of this strap. She was the mistress who after my first session with her had some muscle pain the next day, so she got a personal trainer at the gym to target those muscles for development.

The image of her in a tight leather catsuit pulled down to the waist, wearing a black bra and using that off-billet strap is not something I’ll forget. That thought lingers….

The Contradiction Flares

Looking at it, holding that strap, I feel like suggesting it can be used in two ways; doubled over as is, or remove the retaining thong and use it ‘singled’ like the end of a belt to make it less thuddy and more stinging.

The leather is so very thick, it would be effective when used as a single length, more so than for most belts. It could be wrapped round the fist, again like a belt to get the length just right, for the end to be used for a strapping.

Doesn’t that sound strange? I’m suggesting the best way to be punished, to be strapped.

I had something quite severe made as a gift for a dominatrix to use to beat me with, and have thought about how it can best be used and the types of pain it will bring. But it’s true. It is a lovely piece of leather I hope will be appreciated.

And this is the contradiction.

For me the association of pain with BDSM, about the session and the dominatrix is not as per most people’s perceptions. For me it is a small part. I don’t feel shame, or anxiety, or revulsion or regret. It is just something to be dealt with in the total context of the session.

But I feel the utter strangeness of it all.

The more I think about the pain of corporal punishment the less certain I am about what it is that draws me back.

It is pretty much the ultimate contradiction for people to try to understand.

Taking Corporal Further

Another option I find hard to resist is asking for a cold caning and or a cold prison strapping. Again and a first with this mistress. I think she would do it very well and I seem to remember she mentioned it once.

Should I have both the cold caning and the prison strapping? Or just one of them?

And if both, which one to have first? And since Mistress has her own Canadian Prison Strap, and I have one, should she use both, and in what order? Should she maybe give me six of the very best of the cane, then six of the best with one prison strap, then the same again with other? Then repeat? That has an appeal. It has a recurring appeal.

Then after this, what? Maybe revert to the traditional belting and strapping we have? That sounds about right.

Oh. For those not in the know, a ‘cold’ type corporal punishment session is when corporal punishment of the more severe type happens first, before a warm up with less severe implements.

The effect of this is that it’s felt deeper without the warm, up. It cuts deeper. It is more punishing.

A warm up heats the skin so it can accept more discipline and also desensitizes the skin as well so heavy discipline after is more easily accepted.

The warm up gets you used to the corporal gradually.

So in the absence of a warm up a ‘cold’ type session is much more severe, coming close to the even more severe ‘Judicial’ type of corporal punishment which has its own (scary) appeal to me.

My Last Cold Prison Strapping and Caning

Cold prison strapping and caning sessions are super challenging.

I know, I remember them well.

Do I ever. They were a few years prior from an energetic mistress so I remember it rather well.

The session started off with my wrists strapped into leather cuffs, attached to a suspension bar so I was standing tall and I was gagged. My legs had plenty of straps wrapping them in bondage so I couldn’t move them.

I was an excellent target. I had no choice in the matter. It was happening.

Getting a caning and a strapping like this, in bondage and particularly with the legs bound  means you can’t move. If the legs aren’t bound then the natural tendancy is to lift then, to shift, to dance and kick from side to side as the pain kicks in. I find having them bound adds nicely to the whole experience.

Bondage adds a kind of submission to the whole experience. The more the better. It makes me accept it better. It pushes me deeper.

Then the mistress took up the Canadian Prison Strap, stood behind and to one side of me holding it between her hands ready to use. She was ready. It was going to happen. I can promise that the sight of a leather dominatrix with a huge prison strap in her hands, with me presented in bondage and gagged, is a very special experience.

Just looking at the tableau in the mirror says it all. My goodness, I wish I had a photo!

Oh dear. Writing that and thinking about it makes it all the more desirable.

Then it happens.

When the strapping starts, or the caning, the first stroke hits like lightning. The bum is totally fresh, white and unblemished, not yet christened by any leather. The first pain is the greatest. It is new and consuming.

My eyes close to slits, I stand on tip toe, I tense up, and my head goes back, the gag fills my mouth and I feel its presence, silencing the shout.

I remember reading erotic fiction that said the un-caned bottom was a clean parchment for the mistress to make her mark on.

Anyway, that first stroke feeling is a mix between deep burn and a crashing stinging thud against the butt. The strength of the impact pushes me forward, pulling me forcibly out of the here and now and fixating me on the pain and the experience.

Then the delay is spell binding. I’m trying to surmount the sting, trying to accept and get on top of it, then the corporal-ballet behind me repeats as the next stroke cracks down and so it follows. Inexorably, the strokes follow one another, sending me deeper into sub space, filling me, removing me from the here and how.

Being able to take this level of heavy corporal is both scary and exciting in all the typically contradictory ways.

Being made to take it is even more of the same.

I remember one German mistress I had taking significant delight in giving me a cold prison strapping. She didn’t mind that at all. I don’t think it was from a pure sadism or an anger perspective, I think she just enjoyed the activity and doing it with someone who was accepting and embracing.

The whole corporal punishment thing is a shared activity, the mistress and her client together making it work. Yes it seems strange but at the end of the day it is something that is wanted at so many different levels.

A Session With A Visitor

I’m giving this some thought. I suspect I have a touch of an exhibitionist streak.

The training session I had with an apprentice mistress was mildly successful, but not great. I enjoyed it, it was new and different and those things are always good.

But I’m now thinking about if I should, or can, invite a new apprentice into the session to view heavy corporal as I take it. It is not a training session, it is a demonstration session. She can participate if she wants to, or not.

That has some appeal.

The One Decision That Matters

When will my next session be? That is the real question.

I want it soon. I want it now. I want it sooner than now.

So many decisions!

Since my last session blog post was so successful, I’ll document my next also. From the above, I’ll have a lot to write about.

Play safe, play happy, play hard.

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When Vanilla Fights Kink

Time and Kink

It’s now seven weeks since my last session, a session that was 13 months after the one previous to that.

Then I felt all those concerns, questions, self doubts about having a session and how I would feel. Was it still me? It was like I was a newbie once again. But as soon as I entered the dungeon, I was back and I knew I needed it.

After the session I realized that nothing had changed, it was part of me and probably will for ever be. Oer the weeks, I went through that time of being satisfied, my thirst for kink slaked,  but time passed.

Now with the flux of time, my needs are again flaring. I feel an increasing need another session – and so as per usual my Vanilla Self and my Kink Self are battling.

Time and fetish

Contradictions Are The Problem.

I know that. I envy the Vanilla crowd  going about their daily life un -conflicted and without this disjoint inside them. For them there is no conflict, no secret passion, no inner turmoil or discussion about ‘is this for me‘ and ‘why do I do it‘ happening.

Inside me my logical Vanilla Self battles with my Kink Self asking all those questions; ‘why do you do this‘ and ‘isn’t your need for corporal punishment and bondage the most strange thing in the world?‘

At work I am dominant, with staff taking my instructions, all of us working together for the corporate might. At home I am the father figure, providing, co-leading and co-parenting a family. I am hardly ever submissive, rather I live with discussion and negotiation and defined roles.

My kink self turns this 180 degrees around. I take a sharp U-turn into the submission of bondage and corporal punishment. It fits so strongly within me, key-holing into a part of me I am forever surprised exists.

These contradictions within myself, these differences in my life bring conflict. I have an inner discussion; one part rejecting, another part accepting and wanting.

And it all changes with time.

Immediately after a session I feel relaxed and in a state of being deeply at ease with the world, having an  inner rock solid balance. There is a near cathartic release in the sessions I have, the effects profound and deep.

Then time passes. My viewpoints change.

I remember the session. My Vanilla Self sees me being in bondage, straps binding me tightly as I’m bent over a bench. My Vanilla Self sees the mistress with the hugely scary prison strap delivering a strapping to me, cracking that strap down time and again with me pushing my butt back to her, inviting it down. And my Vanilla Self does not understand. It does not feel the need, share the acceptance and release I get. It rejects those things and talks only from logic and reason with the Vanilla Blinkers on.

My Vanilla Self recoils at the strangeness of it all. My Vanilla Self gets a voice, a voice of logic and reason shouts out, demanding to be heard, asking questions and bringing self doubt.

And what a strident clamour it is. What a good description. That Vanilla Voice shouts out about how strange the session is from a logical standpoint while ignoring what it really is; part of me.

Then with a little more time, as in like right now, my Vanilla Self recedes into the background -or- it understands that my Kink Self really does need this so the Vanilla Voice eases up its strident clamour.

So now my Kink Self needs attention, demands action and wants the release of a session.

So Where Is The Need Coming From?

As I said, it is within me. But it changes. It morphs, it dies down then flares up. It can smolder with little heat in it, and at other times it flares into an incandescent fury like the sun.

My perceptions change with time. When it is near dormant it all feels strange and scary. When it flares, it pulls and calls and feels like the most natural of things. My perceptions change dramatically.

So why? Why now? Why does it change?

Time is the simple answer but behind that are the causes.

Stress, tension, the way I am inside all add and if anything, multiply my needs. I can go weeks or months between sessions and feel little need. Then when the pieces of my life conspire, I need another session and quickly.

Accepting That I Need A Session

Self honesty can be so difficult, so elusive. A problem is that it doesn’t feel like it will provide the instant gratification it should. I can;t shout my needs out to the world, let it all out, as it is too ingrained in me to do that.

Deluding myself, avoiding and denial come naturally to me. I am an expert at that with decades of successful (ignoring the effects) practice at it. They are less challenging and pander to my Vanilla Self – but they are destructive. They make the pressure build. I know that, yet I still do it. Thus is a contradiction of self.

But accepting I need a session is a definite time.

Before this, a session might happen some time in the future. After this, it will be happening soon. I have mad emy mind up. I put a date on it. I move toward it.

Getting to this point takes time, at least a few weeks after a session. Right now, it is about 7 weeks – and I’ve felt this way, that I need a session, for at least a week.

Soon, please make it soon, I will book the session and hence a date will be set.

After Acceptance Come Planning The Session

There are only two questions; when will it happen and what will happen.

The when is the most straightforward. Next week I say to myself.

The what is more complicated. I’ve had so many sessions and they have been so alike because that is what Ive asked for and what I’m drawn to. Sure, there are differences, different mistresses, differences in the corporal and bondage yet they are still very similar.

I’m feeling like I want something new.

I did a training session with an apprentice mistress some time ago, and that was ok. I found interacting with her, advising, talking, brought me back from sub-space which I didn’t want, but the session was still great as it was different. The trainee mistress was lovely and it was nice to interact like that in a session. A common theme for me is acceptance, so interacting with someone else in a session spoke to that.

Years ago a particularly striking (pun intended) dominatrix gave me some cold caning and cold prison strapping sessions. She was challenging at the least of times, with those cold-sessions she pushed me to my limits. I feel like doing that again. It has been a while. The mistress I’m seeing now has her own prison strap, maybe we can do a cold-strapping comparison. That would be interesting.

More thought required. I’ll document this next session also.

Till then – play safe, play happy, play as often as you let yourself.

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Welcome to 2021

Happy New Year - Welcome to 2021

New Year Eve 2021

Probably no year in living memory has been as hard for as many people as 2020 has been. But now, almost 2 weeks into 2021, there is some hope for normality to break out again. We have Covid vaccines being rolled out, a new President to contend with and with just a little love, an economy promising to revive to its pre-Covid glory.

With heart felt sincerity – please have a safe, happy and prosperous 2021 no matter who or where you are.

Silent Quivers Goals for 2021

SilentQuivers Website – I don’t see a great change in direction. I’d like to add more stories and more often and to expand in all directions.

A big problem with stories is that I don’t much like the story posting in the blog concept. I’d much rather a dedicated stories page. I am yet to find that solution.

Personally – I can feel myself getting older making me want to make the most of my time. At the same time I feel my precious preconceived ideas causing guilt fading slightly and acceptance of my kink improving.

I want to indulge in more sessions but also to have some changes, some new things, some new ideas added to those sessions. In 2020 I had one session, in 2018 I had 2. In some years prior I had about 10 – I think I can surely have at least a few this year.

I feel I want to work more on acceptance and my sense of self. So often in 2019 and 2020 this struggled in the battle between my kink and vanilla lives.

Stories – I have so many more chapters to come;

Millennial Discipline Contract story is just needing a little cleanup and to fill in some blanks. I do like this story, hitting as it does my significant need for femdom corporal.

Riding Academy really has expanded past the first chapter. There are about 50,000 words just waiting some touch up. Annoyingly, I lost the last chapter- so there were some lessons learned from that.

Cyber Red Wire – (no chapters published yet) is more a full on sex-romance with some fetish and BDSM thrown in than the other way round. This too has grown hugely and for lovers of some action between the sheets, a good read.

Strapubus – I loved this story and I need to add another chapter or two.

Rat Creek Reformatory – I have a 2nd chapter started but nowhere near finished. I loved this concept and want to add at least one chapter in 2021.

Forum  – No. It’s not happening. I looked closely at this but the time and effort required were just plain too much. Considering the amount of spam and phishing attempts I get now, adding a forum would comsume far too much time. Plus there has been an underwhelming response to the idea.

So welcome to 2021. Lets all enjoy the year.

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Spanking Spanko Fetish

Spanking Fetish - Odd Choice Of Words

I think the terms ‘spanko fetish’ and ‘spanko fetish’ are a little odd. I also think this is 100% my biases talking – and the terms are probably quite relevant (ie good).

Why?

Spanking feels like it is a downgrade of what I indulge in. It sounds like an over the knee “OTK” type punishment where the bare hand is used to spank the bared butt. I’ve had one of these, on my first session, and I found it a bit average. I wanted more. It didn’t push my other fetish points hard enough.

Spanking does work well though. I’ll admit that and absolutely. Bent over the knee and receiving a hard spanking really can be challenging. A hair brush or short paddle, strap, tawse or cane used for a spanking like this would work well also.

I’ll also admit that the contact of my hips and crutch against a mistresses legs as she spanks me hard does have an appeal. That would be a level of intimacy I don’t get in the traditional corporal sessions I have. The thought of leaving some ‘evidence’ of my excitment to be over her knees is also a little exciting along with cringe-embarrassing. I know I’d dribble a bit.

Why do Spanko Fetish / Spanking Fetish terms work?

My take on this, as an older person, is that the words ‘regularize’ or ‘modernize’ the practice.

The words are easily understood and easily related to. They explain themselves.

Spanking?  Sure, that is simple and easy to understand and not greatly challenging. It puts the whole thing in context.

Fetish? That has become almost mundane now, we are far more culturally allowed to have a fetish for things like leather or latex or fast cars. Whatever. Fetish is not that challenging.

Bolt the two together into ‘Spanking Fetish’ and it feels sort of acceptable.

I can feel a sexual element to this also. I can feel that ‘lets have a spanking before sex’ is a kind of hidden agenda in the spanko fetish terms. It does sound a bit exciting!

Respect - Jillian Keenan

Visit her website, and Jillian Keenan deserves respect. Seriously.

She has come out publicly and put her face on her fetish for spanking.

On her youtube channel she has plenty of videos of herself dealing with the whole spanking thing.

Brilliant.

Where Is Corporal Punishment in this?

By contrast ‘Corporal Punishment’ really has a different feeling. It talks to something more severe and less sexual.

Corporal punishment has a different ethic to it – and summons up different emotions. Am I being punished for a mistake or transgression? Is my fantasy to be in a dungeon then punished by the leather clad mistress just becase she can? Is my fantasy to be a slave being punished by the mistress? Or all of them (yes please).

Or at least that is the way of it for me.

Maybe ‘corporal punishment’ is the dictionary definition of being struck in some manner. ‘Spanking Fetish’ regularizes this into an activity that is more play-erotic and less formal or judicial.

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The Naughty Hair Dresser

Hairdressers - Like Being in the Confessional

My original hairdresser left, so a new one took her place. She is young, spunky and all out there in the way she chats. She is super easy to chat to, engaging, vibrant – all those things.

Anyway, on my first ever hair cut, we got talking and somehow sex came up in a sort of off-beat way. She’d mentioned for some reason that ‘furries’ where you dress up as forest animals and have sex appealed. She said she had a friend with benefits she visited occaisonally – so she was quite open about it all.

Was she opening up to get me to open up? Was she just totally unhibited? Maybe. It worked.

My BDSM Admission

She was so easy to talk to that I admitted I went and had BDSM sessions, being tied up and corporal punishment.

She asked me a little about it, if sex was involved, what happened, who I saw. All that sort of thing.

I remember feeling absolutely stunned that I’d told her on my first visit, and also that she accepted it so well.

Her Admission

Well, my surprise increased when she said she had a male friend, a friend only, who also had BDSM sessions.

She said he only had a few a year but they were big ones, 3 or 4 hours and highly intense. It sounded like he was into getting full on kicking, punching and slapping and very heavy whipping.

I’m not a big fan of any of that – but never mind.

The thing was, she said she got a call from him one day to ask her to collect him and take him to hospital. He’d broken some ribs and couldn’t drive.

WOW – that was beyond intense (I accidentally cracked a rib in a session – my fault – but nothing like that). It made me wonder at the skill of the mistress, or had there been a terrible accident.

Well, she took him to the hospital, into E.R. – and sat with him for a few hours. As he was being treated she had to leave for a short while when one of the nurses said something like, ‘Don’t worry dear, I do this part time also.’

She had to explain it was not her, he was just a friend in need.

We both smiled at life and the way it can throw curved (kinked?) things at us.

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Forum – thinking it through

The Silent Quivers Forum - Thoughts

I’m toying with adding a forum. A simple WP plugin.

** Please use the contact form if you are interested!!!!!

Why Add A Forum?

I’m thinking of it as a safe space to come to terms with any issues, to talk and think things through and discuss with like minded people.

Do you have an issue? Bring it here in privacy and safety to get feedback.

Why Not Add A Forum?

Spam, trolls, time taken, abuse, phishing, grooming, rudeness, revenge – are things that really don’t belong here. They won’t be tolerated. How much of this rubbish would I get? Can I get helpers to ease the load?

Sarcasm is something I frown on. If you can’t express yourself properly then join the club. Have a go. Sarcastic responses will get what they deserve – the bin of shame.

Ridicule is the big brother of sarcasm Expect to be banned.

Maybe the forum won’t get any users. Hey – that would make it easy – just turn it off.

What Benefits?

  • Make contact
  • Seek acceptance
  • Listen to other stories and life experiences
  • Buy and sell

What Rules?

  • Inclusive
  • Politeness
  • Privacy
  • No rudeness
  • No snuff/underage/harmful content
  • No ads / spam / trolls

I think that summ sit up – please let me know any thoughts.

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Busy Busy – Christmas Approaches

Year 2020 In Hindsight

To say 2020 has been difficult is to say the least possible. it has been awful for so many, me and my family included. Yes i am a real person.

Coming through this, now in December, means the worst is passed assuming the vaccines and our government is able to take proper charge. Let us hope.

On the BDSM side, I had my first BDSM session in 13 months, last month. It was a winner of a session and documented in this blog, hopefully in a tessteful manner.

Also this year I have kicked into blogging more, added stories, and in general done more.

The stories have ecpanded significantly. Some are contributions to me from friends, some I have worked on and are waiting in the wings for puclishing here.

Notably, the ,itupart story Millennial Discipline Contract is about 60,000 words and counting. The first episode will be published in a week or so – it is written and being fine tuned. It is heavily biased toward lots of lovely corporal punishment, society wide. Stinging botties for all!

BDSM Needs -And- Blog Goals 2021

It is shaping up to be a one-session-year and I’m not happy about that. I need more so for 2021 I am hoping to be the year I get back to normal for at least a half dozen sessions, maybe more. Who knows.

I’d like to do more stories, or at least finish more of them. I have so many in incomplete form. I do like them, I often imagine things then put finger to keyboard and hammer out a few thousand words.

I’d like to find a better vehicle for the stories – the blog is a little painful to use and not the ideal reading experience.

I think that is about it. More sessions, more BDSM, more stories and blogging. Fine goals!

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Dealing With Corporal Punishment

Corporal Punishment In BDSM Sessions

To be tied up and beaten by a dominatrix is one of life’s more out-there experiences.

Probably more than anything else, corporal punishment is the least understood by those not into BDSM.

The association of corporal punishment with pain is so strong, and the desire to not have pain is ingrained so deeply that people struggle to get past it.

Corporal punishment and pain are one dimension of the dynamic. They are an aspect but not the totality.

People say ‘but doesn’t it hurt? Why do you want to be hit or whipped? What do you get out ot it? I can’t understand it.‘

In answer, yes it hurts but I deal with it. It helps transport me, shift me into another reality, gives me a relief like nothing else. I get such vast relief, relaxation, peace, happiness from heavy corporal punishment.

I struggle to understand it at times also, but it is part of me. I need it. It just is.

What are we talking about here?

We are talking about hitting, striking, physcially using an implement on another person to cause them pain.

The words say it all to those not into BDSM. It is physical punishment. For them it stops there, for people like myself it is merely the first step.

As in all BDSM it is, and must happen between consenting adults. Limits, techniques and safety issues should be discussed before corporal punishment is engaged in.

For my sessions, this happens in a pre-session discussion with a professional mistress, a dominatrix, that takes a few minutes. It is the reason I use a professional  dominatrix as there are significant safety issues.

The implements that can be used also give their names to the type of punishment.

For example, a belt is used for a belting, a cane for a caning, a strap for a strapping. Simple enough.

Light, medium and heavy are often used to describe intensity. They mean pretty much what they sound like.

To expand a little, light corporal might redden an area for a short while and rarely leave marks. Alternatively heavy corporal would be expected to leave a mark, a welt and a bruise that goes from purple to black then yellow, for maybe a few days to over a week.

The types of implements change the experience significantly. In general, the more narrow the implement, the more it stings, leaves a longer lasting welt and feels more like it is cutting, burning. An example is the cane and some tawse.

A broader implement like a two inch belt will feel more ‘slappy’ and less deep-cutting.

The thickness of the implement also changes the effect. A two inch wide thinner belt will have more sting while a thicker belt of the same width (but thicker) will feel to have a lot more ‘thud.’

How Is It Done in a BDSM Session?

The short answer is that corporal punishment is given by consenting parties in a way that suits them. There is a discussion about what is going to happen, then it happens.

A sex spanking is similar in concept. Someone says they would like a spanking before sex then it is given and the sex benefits.

For corporal punishment in a dungeon, there are plenty of options. My own experiences are for Mistress to use implements on me when I’m standing lifted up by a winch. Or I might be bent over or laying on top of a punishment bench tied down to it.

A caning can be given when bent over in a classic school pose, or kneeling on a bench, or restrained over a whipping horse.

Almost unique in corporal punishment scenarios is hand strapping and tawsing. The Mistress stands in front then uses a leather strap or tawse to beat the palms of the slave. It is challenging in having to face the punisher, to watch the strap be raised prior to it lashing down and so to control the need to move the hand away. There is also an element of embarrassment to it. As you face the mistress, you show the effect, you show the pain and then the fear when the next stroke is about to be delivered.

Pain Play -vs- Corporal Punishment

Sometimes calling it “corporal Punishment” just feels so wrong. And yet that is what it is.

To any casual observer watching a BDSM Corporal session it could be nothing else. To the participants it can be just about the level of pain that is being delivered and the desired effect.

In fact, so say “punishment” makes me question if I feel the need to be punished for someting? Do I need to atone? Have I been bad in some way that merits heavy corporal?

The answer to all the above is no. I really don’t feel the need for punishment. There are so many other factors at play.

I remember being asked by a mistress something like, “Was the amount of pain about right?” which at the time seemed strange but she was perceptive. It was all about being transported, and for me the pain was the means.

So, Why is it done in a BDSM Session?

There is only one reason for receiving corporal punishment; it is needed.

It may not be wanted, but it may be something that is so deeply needed that it is inescapable even though it may feel illogical and strange.

Caveat; these notes are from my experiences, and also from my limited research. Rudely I will say that I am focused on me and while I’m mildly interested in other peoples experience I don’t pursue them greatly.

These notes will probably be incomplete and you may want to argue. Great. I can’t claim to have all the knowledge. Use the contact form if you want to discuss.

So, why would you put yourself through what can only be described as a punishment – because that is what it’s called?

There are many reasons – and don’t expect there to be just one that may apply to you. Or to me. We are allowed to have more than one reason, surely.

It is needed. This feels like a catch-all and a bit of a cop-out but I feel this within myself. I just need it. I can’t pin it down precisely, I can make all sorts of excuses and suggestions -but- at the end of the day, I need it. Simple.

The role play – the private theater. It draws me in, I love it, the visual of it all and yet it perplexes me. I’m called. I can’t resist. There are contradictions in this but my need for it trumps all.

This is strong for me. The leather clad dominatrix makes me hold my hand out then gives me a strapping. She tells me how I deserve a belting and then a caning for misbehaving. This gets into my mind and regresses me.

So that speaks to a mental out of body experience, an easape from the real world and into a place where my fetish and kinks rule.

Relinquish control. This is also a super strong incentive and something I do feel. To give control to someone else, to do as you are told releases you from having to be in charge. It gives you a rest, a respite from being responsible. If you have a high power job and under constant stress, not able to get relief from that stress, giving control to another is a huge thing. If at the same time you are punished, that drags you away from reality even more and fills you full of the peace from submission.

In some ways, this is just like a holiday. On holiday you are not responsible for anything or anyone – other than have a good time. Being dragged away from reality by heavy corporal punishment can feel just the same to me

A means to escape. This is a lot like the previous, Relinquish Control.

The pain from the punishment can be so strong that nothing else exists. You cannot be thinking about anything else, anyone else, anywhere else. It is all consuming. As the punishment proceeds you are transported out of this world, your old worries and cares left behind.

I have said ‘you can’t think of anything else when you are getting a hard caning’ and it is absolutely true.

And as for hand tawsing, that really focuses the mind as you watch Mistress raise the tawse over a shoulder then bring it down to make the palm and fingers explode in sting. To absorb that pain, to takle it in, to watch the Mistress really is a form of escape for me.

Eroticism & fetish. There is a strong element of this in my sessions. I adore the Mistress to be in fetish as she delivers heavy corporal. The whole thing seems to work so well together.

A spanking brings heat to the butt and it can absolutely excite. This is a common pre sex passtime. The warmth in the butt gets in, deeply, and becomes erotic. Also, to be bent over someone’s knees as they heat your butt, to know they care enough to spank you and then know there is sex to follow is delicious.

Re-connecting, reliving a previous experience. This is possibly common. Mistresses have told me of clients who visit to re-live their time of receiving corporal punishment at school or in other settings. They find it takes them back in time, brings them a form of security and relief from the here and now.

Just for the pain. For me the pain is a small thing. It is the transport, the means to be sent into another mind space. To focus on the pain is wrong for me.

I can however absolutely understand if pain is your thing – as corporal punishment can certainly deliver that.

There is of course the contradiction here for the person not into the whole scene. For them it is all about pain. For me it is just one aspect.

To focus the mind. This is a sort of a repeat. When under corporal punishment there is nothing else, no where else in your mind. You wait, you watch, you see the punishment being delivered then the shock of it makes you focus on the moment.

Nothing else matters. You are there and there only, your mind is empty of everything but the moment. That focuses the mind admirably well.

A need to atone. I don’t feel this myself – but I can well understand. I have heard of cases where it happend. There can be an internal dialog happening ‘I shouldn’t have done that, I need to be punished.’

If this becomes strong, it can be a sticking point in letting go of something. The pain, the endorphins, the whole experience leaves these thoughts behind.

Depression and other mental issues. There have been studies and even a clinical practice devoted to delivering corporal punishmenht to aid recovery from mental issues such as depression and addiction.

For myself I have suffered depression and I know that after corporal punishment I feel better. I have been taken away from that destructive mentality for a time, I have become someone else who is not depressed. I feel however (as a lay person) that the benefit may be transitory. You would be better off treating the cause of the depression professionally.

How Does a Corporal Session Proceed?

Again – this is totally up to the participants. There are typical scenarios and there are some other options. Here is my experience.

At first there is the pre-session discussion where the mistress and the client discuss what is to happen.

Typically in a corporal session lighter impements are used first, usually with lighter strokes. This warms up the skin and makes the body accept punishment more easily. This is called the warm up and is probably the most common thing in these kinds of sessions.

The warmup can be challenging. It can lift me onto my toes with firmer strokes and make me wonder if I’ve made a mistake, and ask myself how can I take this?

For me the warmup is with belts delivered probably at a light to medium intensity. I have a few the mistress uses and I find this delicious. Challenging, but delicious.

For hand strapping a lighter more supple strap is used.

As the session proceeds the force implements may change and the force used may increase till it is significant. For example, a belt can be made to really crack down hard in mid-session and the sensation can be quite sharp. Then a heavy warse is used to the butt, hard, and that really stings.

A common technique used to prolong the corporal is to give a lighter implement, for example a wider belt, then give a more harsh implement such as a prison strap, then a lighter implement again in turn. This lets the body recover and take more.

At the end of the session, the most harsh implments are usually used. This is often the cane. The cane when delivered hard really gets in, it overwhelmes any previous discipline and you feel it deeply. Given hard it feels like it cuts and sometimes I have had split skin and a little blood. But over all, a sound caning at the end really does finish a session off well.

I find that a session without a caning at the end is just not right – it has not finished properly even if the previous corporal has totally drained and defeated me.

Cold caning and cold prison strapping I have found to be the ultimate challenge. These are given at the start of the session, hard, and without any prior warmup. Because of this absence of warmup the cane and prison strap really do challenge.

Normally at the end of session the prison strap and cane feel painful. The prison strap opens up a band of hot sting and is painful. The cane has a narrow band of pain and sting that cuts deeper.

A cold caning and prison strapping to the butt makes it feel like it’s exploding, the head comes back, the eyes go back, the mouth opens in an “OOHH” and the body tenses as the pain overwhelmes.

Is It Hard-core? How Full on?

I was asked once if the whole corporal punishment thing is just play acting?

The answer is of course it can be whatever you want.

It is totally up to you and the mistress. And this is all part of the reason for choosing a professional wisely.

It can be total play acting with the most mild of sensation that doesn’t leave a mark but titillates.

Likewise it can be totally play acting and really quite severe leaving welts for at least a week, bleeding marks covering an area, black and purple bruising that looks and is intense.

Again – the severity of the corporal punishment is agreed upon before the session starts. It can be as little or as much as you want. You can change during the session using gestures and the mistress can gauge your reaction and cater to suit your instructions.

One of the more hard-core forms I find is the ‘cold caning’ and ‘cold prison strapping’ type session. This is where an implement is used really quite hard at the start of a session and it hurts a whole lot more that way. When there is a warm up with lighter implements over a period of time it is easier to take a harder punishment later.

To put it into context, a heavy session leaves my butt deeply welted, sometimes bleeding, and the bruises and welts can take a week to heal.

Masochism and Corporal Punishment

These seem so obviously linked that it sounds impossible to be not labelled as a masochist if corporal punishment happens in a session.

Yet I feel a significant distinction.

I only seek corporal in a session. Nowhere else. I loathe pain in so many scenarios just the same as most people. But put me in a dungeon with a leather clad dominatrix and it all changed.

So maybe it should be called  contextual masochism.

I hate labels. They are so one dimensional.

How Often Do You Get Corporal?

For me, once a month is about right and that is for reasonably heavy corporal punishment.

I recently went 13 months as a result of some issues, and I found that too long. Much too long. I found myself distracted by the need for more.

What Is The Mistress/Slave Interaction Like?

There should be only one answer to this – it is whatever you want.

A good BDSM mistress will craft a session to suit you based on the pre-session discussion. Pure and simple. If you want “this” then you will probaly get it, and same if you want “that” – whatever it is, you need to talk it through and come to an agreement.

If you want specifics then there are a plenty of options. It is up to you! Here are just a few….

A strict and stern dominatrix punishing a slave. I’ve had many of these.

The silent treatment, just being punished.

A telling off, ‘you need a good belting for what you’ve done‘ and then delivering. A favorite!

‘I’m going to enjoy strapping/caning/tawsing you with this’ then the implement is fetched, shown teased with and then used. Another absolute favorite.

A school mistress can discipline an unruly student.

A mom can punish a naughty son or daughter.

A strict governess can punish the wayward student.

— and so the list goes on —

How Will The Mistress sound? Bzzt, sorry, you need to read the above! Ask, discuss, and mistress will work with you on this to get what you want.

Are Mistresses/ Dominatrixes Sadists?

Strangely enough, I don’t know!

Some love delivering corporal punishment and often the cane is their preferred weapon of choice. This then feels like the answer is ‘yes’ – but I have reservations.

In my 5 years+ of having sessions I’ve not felt that mistresses are sadists.

I think it is much more accurate to say they are professionals, catering the session to suit the client.

Has a Mistress Ever Gone Too Far?

This is a defintion and labelling thing. For me the answer is ‘No’ as I like heavy corporal and going too far with that is almost by definition impossible.

But that is a poor answer.

The real answer is that a good mistress will know if the intensity is getting too much. Even when gagged, the way corporal punishment is felt will be obvious and the mistress will adjust to suit the slave.

Also, for a first session is can be really difficult for a mistress to know what is truly wanted. Sure the pre-session discussion should have specifics and some guidelines but as the reality of the session happens this can be totally wrong or different.

How can a newbie know what heavy corpooral is like? Likewise can a newbie wanting light corporal suddenly find it is not enough?

In my first session I found I needed more than the mistress was giving. I had to ask her to give me another caning as I felt it was not enough. I just loved it, it felt so right. I think the mistress was a little reluctant as I’d marked up so badly – after all it was my first ever session.

In the sessions I now have, the mistress looks at my reaction. When she uses the prison strap, for example, if I don’t lift onto my toes, shake and jump from the stroke, she knows to go harder because mistress knows me. And if that doesn’t make me react she gives them quicker too.

So how you react in a session is a signal to mistress. She will be watching. When I push my butt out to her, to the implement, she knows I’m inviting more, and harder. When I lift onto my toes and retreat from her, shake, my head goes back, she knows she got in and will give me just a few more to make it sink in as she knows I need that.

So of course all that is totally subjective. It works for me. If you have a session with corporal punishment the pre-session discussion is critical.

Endure, Accept, Challenge

These are terms that come to mind in my corporal sessions.

The mistress delivers corporal punishment and I feel I need to endure it.

Then in enduring that punishment, that pain, I accept it. I take it in. It suffuses, transports, shifts my perceptions. The pain I endure lifts me out of the here and now.

Accepting the pain makes it almost irrelevant. It just is. It doesn’t have stigma or anything other than the experience.

I’m getting tired ot talking about pain all the time. It feels like a focus, like the be-all and end-all of the session. The reality for me is that it is nothing, and all, and a transport and a mechanism. It is contradictory and difficult. It is annoying to try to define. Sitting here, now, I don’t feel any pain – what was it like? Did it really do that? Am I sure?

The challenge for me is then to endure and accept despite the actual pain. I feel that challenge. I don’t want to give in. I don’t want to show a reaction. How much can mistress give before she defeats me? How much before I show a reaction?

The challenge for mistress is to know how much to give, which implement to use and when. She delivers, she watches, she uses her knowledge of the client to deliver more or less.

I know I challenge mistress. I try to endure, to not show the effect of something till it gets through to me. She gives me a stroke of the prison strap, it stings and burns, but not too much so I push my butt back to her, I invite more and harder. Then she delivers a harder stroke and many more in a short time. Then the rapidly increasing pain breaks down my barriers. At that point I am consumed.

Does The Body Get Used To It?

There are 2 ways this question applies, and both are ‘Yes’

Firstly – in a session the lighter strokes of the warm up are felt quite deeply. They sting, they thud, they lift me onto my toes and I find them challenging.

As the warm up proceeds, as the session proceeds, the strokes are felt less.

So as the session proceeds, other implements are used and the force is increased to make me continue to feel it, to react.

Also as you have more sessions the body reacts differently. In my first session I marked up dramatically from a light to medium session. The marks were huge. More recent sessions have had fewer marks.

Over the years I feel I have built up a resistance such that mistress needs to apply with a lot more force to get the same reaction.

Where To Now?

I have no idea other than I do know I will have more sessions. I feel myself changing.

I’m wanting to try different things in a session. New things.

I recently had a training session with an apprentice as well as my regular mistress. Mistress taught her to use my implements on me, demonstrated giving corporal punishment. It was new, it was different, it was kind of ok.

I usually have the strict and stern mistress just punishing a slave.She collects an implment, uses it, then moved onto the next. All very simple and straight forward.

For my last session mistress told me I needed a belting, a strapping, a hand tawsing then she collected the implement, showed me then used it. She took her time with the hand strapping, lifting and flopping the tawse onto my palms so I felt the leather as I watched mistress raise and lower it. It was extraordinarily delicious. She repeated time and again, prolonging the experience, then she gave me a hard stroke. That was brilliant!

It has been a few years since my last, I’m feeling like a cold prison strapping then a cold hard caning to start my next sesison off with.

Lets see if mistress has found this blog!

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Why Visit A Dominatrix

Why Visit A Dominatrix?

How many people do you know who have admitted to visiting a dominatrix?

Well you can add 1 to that – as I have done so regularly for 15 years now – and counting.

Here is my take on it all.

The First Time - The Balancing Act

The walk of 7 yards from the sidewalk to the front door was the longest journey of my life. It had taken over thirty years and much anguish to make.

The culmination of that walk, knocking on the front door then being greeted by a dominatrix remains one of the most exciting times of my life. It required me to leave behind many preconceived misconceptions and to accept that my inner needs were real. I had to come to terms with myself in a way I had never before considered.

Now, over 15 years later I am glad I made that walk. It released me from the worst of my inner turmoil, helping me on my life journey.

Are you considering indulging in a pro-dom BDSM session? Are you scared (I was) and yet excited (me too)? Then I totally sympathize.

For me it was a balancing act. For years I’d been keeping my needs at bay, barely, yet they were festering, growing, damaging. At the same time the fear and other issues with visiting a dominatrix were such that I just couldn’t do it. Gradually these emotions changed, re-balanced so that led up to my first session.

Here are some thoughts on my journey and so many other things along the way.

Dominatrix Or Mistress?

A ‘Mistress’ has the connotation of a sexual relationship outside a marriage. “The Other Woman” kind of thing.

A ‘Dominatrix’ has the whips and chains feeling to it, maybe a spiked collar and leather corset, a riding crop, some leather and fetish happening. Ohh, I’m feeling unsettled all of a sudden.

It may seem a strange distinction, but it was an issue for me. I saw a dominatrix. Not a Mistress. No sex was involved, and that kept the terms separate and comfortable in my mind. Now I see most service provisers call themselves ‘Mistress’ and indeed in-session they are called ‘Mistress’ as in ‘Yes Mistress’ and ‘No Mistress’ in response to a question.

I’ll use these terms interchangeably here, AND I need to make the point that in my experience domintrixes, professional mistresses, don’t offer sexual services with themselves.

Sure, they may bring in a sex worker, they may offer hand relief or allow self masturbation, but the mistresses I have seen are aloof and unattainable sexually.

You Get To Pick and Choose

It is an ugly thing to say ‘I used her‘ but at the heart of it, that is the way of it. I choose a mistress then have a BDSM session with her. I pay her. Same as I use my doctor and dentist and plumber. It is a professional relationship.

It is probably more polite to say ‘I session with her’ or ‘she sessioned me’ – and I should do that. My apologies!

We are so many of us superficial animals at heart. We make a value decision based on massively biased ideas and prejudices. Choosing a dominatrix is no different.

I know I do make some silly decisions. I generally look for an older woman, ideally taller and I am a little nervous of tattoos. Being honest can be politically incorrect – so should I lie? No.

I am nervous of younger women as, well, they can be close to the age of my daughter and that is wrong at so many levels. Also I’m concerned at their level of experience (and in this I have been wrong more often than not).

Do I see them a ‘sexy’ – and do I sexualize them? Yes and no! Of course there is no definitie answer for me. I can honestly say that of the 20 mistresses I have seen at this time, very few would I have wanted a relationship with and it is nothing to do with looks or deportment. It is all to do with chemistry, that spark, that feeling of connection. So yes, I do find the mistresses in general sexy and no in general I don’t fantasize about having sex with them. Does that makes sense?

Do I like them? This is easy and with very few exceptions I do like the mistresses I’ve seen. Usually I like them a lot. They work hard, they try hard, they are often very down to earth and caring people. Their role is to make a session work, to cater for the needs of their clients, to create successful and from that have more sessions. It is a very simple and professional relationship they have in the most part. By giving a label to a person, Mistress or Dominatrix, we try to classify into a category with few exceptions – and that really is wrong. There are so many types of dominatrix. But above all, they are people. It may be hard to remember that, but they go home at night and sometimes to familes and significant others.

Yes – I am prejudiced based on my upbringing. But that has changed over the years.

In choosing a mistress you can select someone you find appealing and for whatever reason that suits you. It is your choice.

And you can change! If the mistress doesn’t work out for whatever reason, then you can try another till you get the right person. If that sounds a bit mercenary, well it is. You are paying good money for a professional service.

So Why Visit A Mistress?

The reasons are many and in my mind, many of them may happen at the same time;

It’s on the bucket list. True. A mistress I saw said this of a session she’d had before me. WELL DONE.

I suggest, if it’s on the bucket list then there is some spark in there that’s calling. If the session was a good one then it will call all the more I am sure – that happened to me.

Do choose carefully!

Professional and experienced has summed up my experience with mistresses. Yes, there are many differences, some have not worked out but I share the blame in that.

You can be reasonably sure you will have a good outcome – with some caveats of course.

For my sessions I want corporal, bondage and fetish which is probably on the simple end of the session type. There are so many other types of session and mistresses really are extraordinarily capable of catering to a huge variety of needs. Just read the web pages of any mistress and you’ll get an appreciation for their capabilities and preferred types of session.

What happens in the dungeon stays in the dungeon has been my experience. No matter what your thing is, it can be indulged safely and without judgement or concern that others will know.

Mistresses don’t gossip about clients. If you find one who does, I’d suggest you change because she will gossip about you and that feels very bad.

Some things are impossible to admit to – normally – but to a dominatrix it is easier. This has been my experience with my fetish,  corporal and bondage needs. Sure, I struggle to say what I’d like in a session but I can do it without fear of ridicule.

If yours are at the level where you cannot conceive of telling a significant other then a dominatirx, a professionbal mistress, may very well be ideal.

Acceptance of you and your needs follows on logically. This for me is a big thing.

No strings attached means that I go there, I indulge in my fantasy, my session, and that is that. I am happy to tell my wife about it and have a clean conscience as the session is conducted by a professional.

Surety of outcome is a factor. In all my sessions, heading into three figures in quantity, I can count very few that haven’t lived up to my expectation. In all cases where there was a problem there was an element of my fault in them.

That means something.

Safety is all. Some types of session have their own special dangers, so using a professional mistress is absolutely sensible.

And The Alternatives?

You have a few alternatives to using a professional dominatrix.

You might have a spouse interested and capable. Well done! Serioulsy, well done. The only problem is that his or her experience may be limited so their ability to make suggestions, trying new things, will be limited.

My experience is that a spouse cannot deliver the heavy corporal that I want. Her inability to understand the BDSM with respect to pain and corporal was so limited that it didn’t work.

In this case, and in an ideal world, how about you both visit a dominatrix and learn some tricks? This could be a fantastic way to open up about needs and gain skills and experience. I live in hope.

You may have a friend, a friend with BDSM benefits? Wow. Well done again. As with the spouse thing, it may be difficult to get the experience you want as a result of training etc. However, more power to you!

Letting my imagination run riot, taking that friend to a pro-dom BDSM session. learning new things, growing as a result would be an option? Well done you.

Social groups and clubs are another option. For me that is a problem due to proximity – but I can see the appeal.

Casual meetups and dating sites are now catering for the BDSM inclined. If I were not married I’d consider them but I’d feel nervous about skills and experience. It would be good to make a relationship based on full disclosure of BDSM and all the associated things I like. I’d be nervious as I wouldn’t be using a professional, skilled and trained.

A concern here is that BDSM is only one part of me, not the totality of me so finding someone who is a good fit all over is what I’d be looking for.

What Are The Negatives?

For me on my first visit I came away massively happy and wishing I’d done it sooner and also that I wanted it again. The session worked so well for me on so many levels. But I felt guilt. And I was annoyed I’d not done it sooner. Be prepared for some conflicting emotions.

If you choose a mistress who doesn’t work out, or that your fantasies are not what you think they are and the session doesn’t live up to your mental image- then that might be a problem.

But think about it. So what? You will have grown mentally, you will have engaged with someone and moved forward with your life.  Those are all good things. If you have been keeping something bottled up that has become an issue, then experienccing it can only help you move forward, re-define, grow.

I think there is a stigma involved with visiting a mistress. To see a dominatrix? Just say that out loud in the office? To a friend?To family? It doesn’t feel right to me – no way.

This is speaking from my own upbringing where such a thing would have been seen as deviate behavior. Nowdays, in the third millennium, we are happily and rapidly moving away from that.

For you I hope this stigma, guilt, shame -whatever- is not the case.

Relationships make it difficult. You must also look inside yourself and decide if you are cheating on a significant other. Are you? Are you denying another person the means to understand and connect with you?

Also you must consider if having a session is necessary for you. Do you become a better person, more able to cope, happier to be in a relationship with a regular session? I do. I need them.

For me this was aleviated by coming out to my wife. She and I discussed this at length and even experimented a little. She struggled to understand the no-sex thing in the sessions as that was her mind set speaking, and the pain thing. It was all too much. Now she makes a suggestion that I have a session when she sees I’m struggling.

There is a cost involved. It all depends on the type of session and length, but it can be significant. For me, it is significant but necessary and as mentioned, I am approaching 3 figures in sessions.

You must weigh up the cost versus the benefit, of course.

We are all different, these are some things to mull over then make a decision.

When It Doesn't Work Out?

I’ve bailed out of sessions and sessioned with a mistress only the once, a few times.

Generally the fault is mine. I’ve chosen poorly, communcated poorly or something went badly wrong in a session.

These have been few and far between. But the instructive thing is that I’ve moved on. No harm, no foul.

A central point is that mistresses are people. Don’t expect to click with them all. It just doesn’t happen. This is the same as other professional engagements in my life – some doctors I really have not liked and avoided. Don’t get me started on dentists!

Is Coming Out Necessary?

This is VASTLY subjective – so totally dependant on your circumstance and what you want in your BDSM sessions.

I really struggle to make a recommendation – and I think I shouldn’t.

Just remember, once said it can’t be unsaid. Sorry – totally obvious I know.

What I can say about myself may be instructive. You will be different I am quite sure.

Take anything from this you want – it is just a story about my life. DO NOT take it as a recommendation.

My own marriage was struggling and part of that was my BDSM needs had been festering, unrequited. This was a small aspect, but still a factor. I felt at that time I had little to lose – if full disclosure broke the marriage completely then it might as well do so because living a lie wasn’t working.

Some of the symptoms I experienced were panic attacks and depression. I’d never had them before, but wow, they were awful. These then fed into making my relationships suffer which fed back into the panic attacks.

So I revealed (almost) all and that took a lot of repetition and reassurance. It was difficult to say and get accepted that I could love someone as I did and also still have this need.

In my mind was the guilt that I’d not spoken of this previously. I’d courted then married and raised a family with someone who I’d not given full discloisure to. That was a breach of trust in my mind, but the fact was (and is) that it is such a deep thing within me that I really couldn’t for so many years.

Yes, there was a lot of guilt happening in there. We both had to get past this.

My wife and I then made an agreement; I would disclose when I had a session. I wouldn’t go sneaking off. It has worked out well for us and that was 15 years ago. She has supported me, made a cake for one mistress who was having a birthday party, and even suggests I have a session when it all peaks and the need is great. She doesn’t want to know details of my sessions, but does enjoy ‘meta data’ about the mistresses and some related topics.

Strangely enough (to me) I have seen psych counselors at various times since coming out about my BDSM needs and they have universally been supportive.

Will It Break My Marriage?

My experience says not.

AND with that I suggest you read the previous section. I came out to my wife, I discussed it all and we have an agreement. Sex is not involved in my sessions and I am not interested in that. I love my wife and won’t cheat on her that way.

Open, honest and upfront has worked for me, for us.

For you? I have no idea. Maybe you can’t have sex with your significant other for some reason and having a sex based BDSM session fixes that. Great – it hasn’t broken the marriage.

If you haven’t told your significant other and have sessions, and sex, then I forsee easily foreseen problems. This is for you to think about.

Where To Now?

It’s up to you of course.

I suggest caution. Once done, once said, it is all out there. You can’t go back. If you are like me then you don’t have a choice.

Choose wisely. Think. Take your time. If necessary, seek advice. That worked for me.

For me I visited a dominatrix when I was in a personal relationship crisis and it helped. A lot. I should have done it much earlier. I was able to get past some hurdles, past some stumbling blocks in my life and it was a life changing experience.

Since then I have had semi-regular sessions and it has helped me in a number of ways. Sure, there are issues in there, problems to get past, but for me it works well.

For me, my BDSM sesisons have been therapy. Pure and simple. Professionally administered therapy by caring professionals.