Why Visit A Dominatrix?
How many people do you know who have admitted to visiting a dominatrix?
Well you can add 1 to that – as I have done so regularly for 15 years now – and counting.
Here is my take on it all.
The First Time - The Balancing Act
The walk of 7 yards from the sidewalk to the front door was the longest journey of my life. It had taken over thirty years and much anguish to make.
The culmination of that walk, knocking on the front door then being greeted by a dominatrix remains one of the most exciting times of my life. It required me to leave behind many preconceived misconceptions and to accept that my inner needs were real. I had to come to terms with myself in a way I had never before considered.
Now, over 15 years later I am glad I made that walk. It released me from the worst of my inner turmoil, helping me on my life journey.
Are you considering indulging in a pro-dom BDSM session? Are you scared (I was) and yet excited (me too)? Then I totally sympathize.
For me it was a balancing act. For years I’d been keeping my needs at bay, barely, yet they were festering, growing, damaging. At the same time the fear and other issues with visiting a dominatrix were such that I just couldn’t do it. Gradually these emotions changed, re-balanced so that led up to my first session.
Here are some thoughts on my journey and so many other things along the way.
Dominatrix Or Mistress?
A ‘Mistress’ has the connotation of a sexual relationship outside a marriage. “The Other Woman” kind of thing.
A ‘Dominatrix’ has the whips and chains feeling to it, maybe a spiked collar and leather corset, a riding crop, some leather and fetish happening. Ohh, I’m feeling unsettled all of a sudden.
It may seem a strange distinction, but it was an issue for me. I saw a dominatrix. Not a Mistress. No sex was involved, and that kept the terms separate and comfortable in my mind. Now I see most service provisers call themselves ‘Mistress’ and indeed in-session they are called ‘Mistress’ as in ‘Yes Mistress’ and ‘No Mistress’ in response to a question.
I’ll use these terms interchangeably here, AND I need to make the point that in my experience domintrixes, professional mistresses, don’t offer sexual services with themselves.
Sure, they may bring in a sex worker, they may offer hand relief or allow self masturbation, but the mistresses I have seen are aloof and unattainable sexually.
You Get To Pick and Choose
It is an ugly thing to say ‘I used her‘ but at the heart of it, that is the way of it. I choose a mistress then have a BDSM session with her. I pay her. Same as I use my doctor and dentist and plumber. It is a professional relationship.
It is probably more polite to say ‘I session with her’ or ‘she sessioned me’ – and I should do that. My apologies!
We are so many of us superficial animals at heart. We make a value decision based on massively biased ideas and prejudices. Choosing a dominatrix is no different.
I know I do make some silly decisions. I generally look for an older woman, ideally taller and I am a little nervous of tattoos. Being honest can be politically incorrect – so should I lie? No.
I am nervous of younger women as, well, they can be close to the age of my daughter and that is wrong at so many levels. Also I’m concerned at their level of experience (and in this I have been wrong more often than not).
Do I see them a ‘sexy’ – and do I sexualize them? Yes and no! Of course there is no definitie answer for me. I can honestly say that of the 20 mistresses I have seen at this time, very few would I have wanted a relationship with and it is nothing to do with looks or deportment. It is all to do with chemistry, that spark, that feeling of connection. So yes, I do find the mistresses in general sexy and no in general I don’t fantasize about having sex with them. Does that makes sense?
Do I like them? This is easy and with very few exceptions I do like the mistresses I’ve seen. Usually I like them a lot. They work hard, they try hard, they are often very down to earth and caring people. Their role is to make a session work, to cater for the needs of their clients, to create successful and from that have more sessions. It is a very simple and professional relationship they have in the most part. By giving a label to a person, Mistress or Dominatrix, we try to classify into a category with few exceptions – and that really is wrong. There are so many types of dominatrix. But above all, they are people. It may be hard to remember that, but they go home at night and sometimes to familes and significant others.
Yes – I am prejudiced based on my upbringing. But that has changed over the years.
In choosing a mistress you can select someone you find appealing and for whatever reason that suits you. It is your choice.
And you can change! If the mistress doesn’t work out for whatever reason, then you can try another till you get the right person. If that sounds a bit mercenary, well it is. You are paying good money for a professional service.
So Why Visit A Mistress?
The reasons are many and in my mind, many of them may happen at the same time;
It’s on the bucket list. True. A mistress I saw said this of a session she’d had before me. WELL DONE.
I suggest, if it’s on the bucket list then there is some spark in there that’s calling. If the session was a good one then it will call all the more I am sure – that happened to me.
Do choose carefully!
Professional and experienced has summed up my experience with mistresses. Yes, there are many differences, some have not worked out but I share the blame in that.
You can be reasonably sure you will have a good outcome – with some caveats of course.
For my sessions I want corporal, bondage and fetish which is probably on the simple end of the session type. There are so many other types of session and mistresses really are extraordinarily capable of catering to a huge variety of needs. Just read the web pages of any mistress and you’ll get an appreciation for their capabilities and preferred types of session.
What happens in the dungeon stays in the dungeon has been my experience. No matter what your thing is, it can be indulged safely and without judgement or concern that others will know.
Mistresses don’t gossip about clients. If you find one who does, I’d suggest you change because she will gossip about you and that feels very bad.
Some things are impossible to admit to – normally – but to a dominatrix it is easier. This has been my experience with my fetish, corporal and bondage needs. Sure, I struggle to say what I’d like in a session but I can do it without fear of ridicule.
If yours are at the level where you cannot conceive of telling a significant other then a dominatirx, a professionbal mistress, may very well be ideal.
Acceptance of you and your needs follows on logically. This for me is a big thing.
No strings attached means that I go there, I indulge in my fantasy, my session, and that is that. I am happy to tell my wife about it and have a clean conscience as the session is conducted by a professional.
Surety of outcome is a factor. In all my sessions, heading into three figures in quantity, I can count very few that haven’t lived up to my expectation. In all cases where there was a problem there was an element of my fault in them.
That means something.
Safety is all. Some types of session have their own special dangers, so using a professional mistress is absolutely sensible.
And The Alternatives?
You have a few alternatives to using a professional dominatrix.
You might have a spouse interested and capable. Well done! Serioulsy, well done. The only problem is that his or her experience may be limited so their ability to make suggestions, trying new things, will be limited.
My experience is that a spouse cannot deliver the heavy corporal that I want. Her inability to understand the BDSM with respect to pain and corporal was so limited that it didn’t work.
In this case, and in an ideal world, how about you both visit a dominatrix and learn some tricks? This could be a fantastic way to open up about needs and gain skills and experience. I live in hope.
You may have a friend, a friend with BDSM benefits? Wow. Well done again. As with the spouse thing, it may be difficult to get the experience you want as a result of training etc. However, more power to you!
Letting my imagination run riot, taking that friend to a pro-dom BDSM session. learning new things, growing as a result would be an option? Well done you.
Social groups and clubs are another option. For me that is a problem due to proximity – but I can see the appeal.
Casual meetups and dating sites are now catering for the BDSM inclined. If I were not married I’d consider them but I’d feel nervous about skills and experience. It would be good to make a relationship based on full disclosure of BDSM and all the associated things I like. I’d be nervious as I wouldn’t be using a professional, skilled and trained.
A concern here is that BDSM is only one part of me, not the totality of me so finding someone who is a good fit all over is what I’d be looking for.
What Are The Negatives?
For me on my first visit I came away massively happy and wishing I’d done it sooner and also that I wanted it again. The session worked so well for me on so many levels. But I felt guilt. And I was annoyed I’d not done it sooner. Be prepared for some conflicting emotions.
If you choose a mistress who doesn’t work out, or that your fantasies are not what you think they are and the session doesn’t live up to your mental image- then that might be a problem.
But think about it. So what? You will have grown mentally, you will have engaged with someone and moved forward with your life. Those are all good things. If you have been keeping something bottled up that has become an issue, then experienccing it can only help you move forward, re-define, grow.
I think there is a stigma involved with visiting a mistress. To see a dominatrix? Just say that out loud in the office? To a friend?To family? It doesn’t feel right to me – no way.
This is speaking from my own upbringing where such a thing would have been seen as deviate behavior. Nowdays, in the third millennium, we are happily and rapidly moving away from that.
For you I hope this stigma, guilt, shame -whatever- is not the case.
Relationships make it difficult. You must also look inside yourself and decide if you are cheating on a significant other. Are you? Are you denying another person the means to understand and connect with you?
Also you must consider if having a session is necessary for you. Do you become a better person, more able to cope, happier to be in a relationship with a regular session? I do. I need them.
For me this was aleviated by coming out to my wife. She and I discussed this at length and even experimented a little. She struggled to understand the no-sex thing in the sessions as that was her mind set speaking, and the pain thing. It was all too much. Now she makes a suggestion that I have a session when she sees I’m struggling.
There is a cost involved. It all depends on the type of session and length, but it can be significant. For me, it is significant but necessary and as mentioned, I am approaching 3 figures in sessions.
You must weigh up the cost versus the benefit, of course.
We are all different, these are some things to mull over then make a decision.
When It Doesn't Work Out?
I’ve bailed out of sessions and sessioned with a mistress only the once, a few times.
Generally the fault is mine. I’ve chosen poorly, communcated poorly or something went badly wrong in a session.
These have been few and far between. But the instructive thing is that I’ve moved on. No harm, no foul.
A central point is that mistresses are people. Don’t expect to click with them all. It just doesn’t happen. This is the same as other professional engagements in my life – some doctors I really have not liked and avoided. Don’t get me started on dentists!
Is Coming Out Necessary?
This is VASTLY subjective – so totally dependant on your circumstance and what you want in your BDSM sessions.
I really struggle to make a recommendation – and I think I shouldn’t.
Just remember, once said it can’t be unsaid. Sorry – totally obvious I know.
What I can say about myself may be instructive. You will be different I am quite sure.
Take anything from this you want – it is just a story about my life. DO NOT take it as a recommendation.
My own marriage was struggling and part of that was my BDSM needs had been festering, unrequited. This was a small aspect, but still a factor. I felt at that time I had little to lose – if full disclosure broke the marriage completely then it might as well do so because living a lie wasn’t working.
Some of the symptoms I experienced were panic attacks and depression. I’d never had them before, but wow, they were awful. These then fed into making my relationships suffer which fed back into the panic attacks.
So I revealed (almost) all and that took a lot of repetition and reassurance. It was difficult to say and get accepted that I could love someone as I did and also still have this need.
In my mind was the guilt that I’d not spoken of this previously. I’d courted then married and raised a family with someone who I’d not given full discloisure to. That was a breach of trust in my mind, but the fact was (and is) that it is such a deep thing within me that I really couldn’t for so many years.
Yes, there was a lot of guilt happening in there. We both had to get past this.
My wife and I then made an agreement; I would disclose when I had a session. I wouldn’t go sneaking off. It has worked out well for us and that was 15 years ago. She has supported me, made a cake for one mistress who was having a birthday party, and even suggests I have a session when it all peaks and the need is great. She doesn’t want to know details of my sessions, but does enjoy ‘meta data’ about the mistresses and some related topics.
Strangely enough (to me) I have seen psych counselors at various times since coming out about my BDSM needs and they have universally been supportive.
Will It Break My Marriage?
My experience says not.
AND with that I suggest you read the previous section. I came out to my wife, I discussed it all and we have an agreement. Sex is not involved in my sessions and I am not interested in that. I love my wife and won’t cheat on her that way.
Open, honest and upfront has worked for me, for us.
For you? I have no idea. Maybe you can’t have sex with your significant other for some reason and having a sex based BDSM session fixes that. Great – it hasn’t broken the marriage.
If you haven’t told your significant other and have sessions, and sex, then I forsee easily foreseen problems. This is for you to think about.
Where To Now?
It’s up to you of course.
I suggest caution. Once done, once said, it is all out there. You can’t go back. If you are like me then you don’t have a choice.
Choose wisely. Think. Take your time. If necessary, seek advice. That worked for me.
For me I visited a dominatrix when I was in a personal relationship crisis and it helped. A lot. I should have done it much earlier. I was able to get past some hurdles, past some stumbling blocks in my life and it was a life changing experience.
Since then I have had semi-regular sessions and it has helped me in a number of ways. Sure, there are issues in there, problems to get past, but for me it works well.
For me, my BDSM sesisons have been therapy. Pure and simple. Professionally administered therapy by caring professionals.