Trust and BDSM Play

Trust Is Core In BDSM

After so many years in BDSM, today I was reading about Trust in BDSM. It made me think about my sessions and the relationship between me and mistress. Trust is something I have taken for granted till now.

Here is a definition of trust; I am naked, my wrists cuffed and pulled above my head in suspension. Straps bind my legs and I’m tightly gagged. I can’t escape, I can’t make a sound. I can’t change the outcome. I have placed my body and my soul in the hands of mistress to do with as she wishes.

Then Mistress does as she wishes; Mistress picks up a prison strap. It is a replica of what was once used to beat prisoners in Canadian prisons. It is one of the more truly formidable instruments of punishment. She takes her time. She runs the strap through her hands as she savours the moment before she uses it. And then she does. I must take what she gives.

In session, it is all about trust. The sub, the slave, is given body and soul to the mistress, to the dom. The whole session is based on trust, empathy, and a connection between the players.

Mistress takes the prison strap then disciplines her slave just as she knows he needs it. Hard.

Slave places his self in her care, for her to deliver the punishment he craves.

Prison Strap

Almost designed to test trust

The hand providing support

Trust enables all players – trust is core.

Truth in admitting our needs, in defining play, is all based on trust. Trust lets the players move forward to achieve their goals.

BDSM is based on trust.

Heavy Corporal and BDSM Is Not Abuse

Heavy corporal punishment and bondage is the focus in my sessions. But this applies equally to other kinds of play.

The session leaves the slave in an altered state of euphoria. There can be many reasons a person seeks this out and operating at different levels. But the key feature is that the slave, the sub, seeks this out. Abuse is not a factor.

Always, the slave will work with the mistress, the dom, to define what is to happen. There will be some form of a script that will be followed to give the slave what is needed. This is called safe, sane, concensual play.

Even in Extension or No Limits sessions the mistress will always use judgement. When to stop will always be the most important consideration.

Same if the slave is needing a Judicial session which is designed to punish and push the limits without the slave being able to change the course of the session.

Any respectable and experienced mistress or dom will take into account how the slave is faring. For challenging sessions, this will not going to be the first such interaction – there will be experience between the participants on which to base how the session proceeds.

These are all reason I use pro-Dom mistresses in established premises. I know I can trust them, I place myself in their care.

What About Other Kinds Of Play

I dont have experience with them. I talk about what I have done, experienced, and have feelings for.

However, the whole Trust Dynamic will be happening. In traditional dom/sub play the sub will trust the dom to take care of them. To observers it may be tough love – punishments, restraints – positions and situations designed to test the sub. But that is the play.

Some forms of bondage are also based on a great deal of trust. Vac-beds which confine and restrict the vitim extremely heavily are another example. The players will have a trust relationship in play.

How Is It For You? Does this ring true when you think about it?

Thank You To MistressTish

Thank You Mistress Tish

Mistress Tish on her website mentioned how much work we’ve been doing here on our website. THANK YOU. She totally gets it.

Silent Quivers website is exactly what I feel with the BDSM I like. It is not a small thing – it is earthquake strong inside me and it has been my life for many decades now.

Depression and Anxiety

Briefly, for those coming from Mistress Tish’s website, the Silent Quivers from BDSM has a deep fundamental impact on the psyche. It can’t be ignored, it can’t be denied, and if something is not done about it, it is damaging. It was for me.

For myself, I was in denial for decades. Then in a time of stress, I broke. Depression was the result, with panic and anxiety attacks. Life was not good.

Suicidal thoughts were never far away either. Some days I said ‘I’ll end this tomorrow‘ and each day I put it off – thankfully.

It was only through accepting  the ‘BDSM IN ME’ that I was able to cope with life again. From that came acceptance, then peace, then happiness.

Life really does shine when you come to accept all it has to bring.

About Mistress Tish

I’ve known Mistress Tish for a half dozen years. We email regularly and I watch her website for updates. From what I can make out, she is unique.

Sometimes the ‘book by its cover’ saying could not be more true and none more so than for Mistress Tish. She has a half dozen years experience as a high end Dominatrix. She also holds a PhD in quantum foam space physics and mathematics. Her problem solving and practical hands on bent suits both her professions.

In the dungeon, her analytical and problem solving skills merge with a deep understanding of BDSM to produce sessions that leave clients absolutely engrossed and fulfilled.

In physics it places her at the lead in her field of experimental and theoretical physics, so much so that her startup company is now in the running for significant contacts.

Mistress Tish

It also dosn’t hurt that in fetish she is drop-dead stunning.

Do any research and it is clear Mistress Tish is an absolutely gorgeous Mistress, a Dominatrix, at the top of her profession.

She crafts sessions then works them to bring her clients to new levels of experience.

Her biographer (and I suspect client) Trikki Watson has more than a few stores about Mistress Tish. He’s published a few on Amazon and has told me about more that are coming.

Changing Mistresses

Twenty Mistresses in Fifteen Years

I’ve seen many mistresses in my time. A valid question is, “Why have you seen 20 Mistresses and not settled on one or two?”

Well the reasons are quite simple and instructive.

Some I’ve had a falling out with, some have left the scene, one died, some were just not for me.

Here are some anecdotes.

Bust Up

My first Mistress and I became quite friendly, not intimate (get that out of your head), but we did enjoy each others’ company outside of a session. We could talk to each other and had a similar world view, shared interests and a shared similar sense of humor. Over that time I indulged myself with her, sending her bigger and bigger emails about my problems and not being much of a friend back to her. Perhaps I abused our friendship.

Our friendship ended when she sent me a stinker of an email that left me in no doubt that she wanted nothing more to do with me. It was the most brutally rude and deliberately hurtful email it was possible to receive. To my discredit I tried to contact her a few years later but she thankfully ignored that stupid advance of mine.

Then some years later and rather amusingly, she started working at the establishment I was going to. She was even scheduled onto the same and only day that the Mistress I visited worked. Unfortunately the Mistress I was seeing only worked one day of the week otherwise I would have changed my visits. Of course the inevitable happened when I was leaving the dungeon after a very pleasant session, eye contact between me and my first Mistress was made and words were not spoken. Email was not exchanged. She did look good in the skin tight rubber cat suit though.

Leaving The Scene

Quite a few Mistresses left the scene, some for other employment, one left the city for a warmer climate, some because the establishment I visited closed.

One left to another state which had more liberal sex worker laws. She felt like her life was made too difficult to remain.

Breast Cancer

One Mistress died. She was gorgeous, an ex-model with peaches and cream complexion, very tall and slim, lovely to talk with and she was excellent in a session.

She loved the whole corporal and bondage theme and seemed to be a natural at the whole thing enjoying the role-play of a strict Mistress disciplining a slave. Most of all, sessions with her whilst being nicely intense and ‘forceful’ were still fun.

I was extremely upset when she died after a protracted battle with cancer. I learned later that many of her clients attended the funeral and I wish I had done that. I assumed, wrongly, that it wasn’t the accepted thing.

Another Bust Up

I had a falling out with another Mistress I had nine sessions with.

She was very tall and slim and athletic, another ex fashion model. She really loved heavy corporal to the extent it could not be faked. She was really into it.

On our second session she said she’d had a little upper body stiffness and muscle pain after the first session but she’d been working out.

My goodness, she loved my implements so much so I even had a copy of a favorite strap of mine she liked, made specially for her by a saddler.  It was the off billet strap, the ‘prince of straps’ as I commented to another mistress recently.

She said she used it on some other clients who squealed which I believe as it is a very severe implement if used with any force (which she would have).

Anyway, she had an enormous fight with the establishment I was going to. I didn’t ask for details but she was absolutely furious and insisted I have nothing to do with that place again. She said it was unprofessional and not a nice place. Over the ensuing weeks my needs grew and grew as they do; the longer without a session the more they grow.

We exchanged email, she wasn’t able to find another dungeon to work at then she exploded in rage when I told her I was going to see someone else. She then moved to another city then left the country to work in Europe.

No Idea Why I Saw Her Again

One Mistress I saw three times and in hindsight I don’t know why. She was nice enough as a person and the corporal was OK and the session was OK but she was plainly a bit out of her depth.

On talking with her it came out she’d been abused as a child, then abused by partners, then had problems in her life.

She said she was returning to university and working three jobs; waiting on tables, as a cleaner, as a dominatrix. One day she just left and never came back. I didn’t have a fight with her, she just left.

A Broken Rib

As mentioned previously, i broke a rib on a session once. It was in a dungeon I didn’t like and the mistress and I just seemed to not really connect.

I share the blame for the broken rib and also, for accepting the dungeon that was not my preference.

I never saw this mistress again. Maybe I should have given her a second chance.

Almost But Not Quite Right For Me

One Mistress worked out of a large inner city brothel. The dungeon is quite small and I found it had too much equipment for the space. She was very good and the only Mistress to offer me hand relief. When I declined she said, “Should be more like you.” I found the session with her to be somewhat lack luster. There wasn’t a connection.

The other thing is I thought she wasted time in the session. It just didn’t seem to flow. Next, she was super sure of her self, almost arrogantly sure and that rankled. I never went back again. She is quite prominent in the industry.

There were a few Mistresses like this. The gut-feel just didn’t work.

The Princess

One mistress was quite young and she really did have some personality issues. I suspected at the time she’d been told how beautiful she was one too many times, and that affected her attitude, badly.

The session was just plain average. She was not really into it and I felt she would have rather have been checking her mobile phone for messages or whatever.

The thing that absolutely stopped me from ever wanting another session with her was the comment, ‘If I have to sweat, you pay me cash.’ A sweet young thing!

Any Conclusion?

So those are the reasons. Of the ones where they were just not for me, maybe half of them were because I didn’t read their profiles properly.

The remainder are the luck of the draw. Some mistresses I feel an immediate connection with and we have multiple to many sessions. I think there have been about 3 mistresses I’ve had 8 or 9 sessions with then they’ve left the industry.

Breaking A Rib in BDSM Play

BDSM Play is Generally Safe

BDSM play in a professional establishment is generally safe, I wouldn’t do it there if that were not the case. There are a number of things that good establishment do to ensure safe play such as training, hygiene and equipment quality.

However it is normal that some of the activities can certainly be dangerous if not done properly.

There are fail-safes in common use. For example, the use of a Safe Word in a session means that the slave/sub can’t take any more. If the slave is gagged, then something can be dropped to show the session is going a little far. Maybe a line has been crossed, maybe the mistress has pushed too hard, maybe the slave has not communicated what is a turn off or not wanted. No matter. The use of a Safe Word or action stops an activity and it can stop a session.

In this anecdote, I’d been going to the same establishment for maybe a dozen years. The mistress I’d been seeing was no longer available so I booked a session with another. This session was one of the two times I’ve used the safe word in a session.

How To Break A Rib

The mistress I chose was very professional, very good and obviously experienced. She asked me what I wanted in a session and what I didn’t want. She asked about any illnesses and injuries which is the mark of a good mistress. Health issues in BDSM are serious concerns.

When I booked the session I asked for a particular dungeon. When the mistress finished my pre-session discussion she said the room was not available as another client was having a longer session and so his needs were greater than mine. She talked me into using a smaller dungeon. I was annoyed as I’d been a regular and had about 30 sessions there by then. Anyway, I agreed.

The session started and she was very good. Very strict. Very heavy with the discipline. She positioned me over a caning bench then gave me some heavy corporal. I moved around a bit, put pressure on a rib which then broke. The pain was sharp and continuous, I felt it crack, and breathing was difficult.

I called the Safe Word ‘Mercy’ and also said ‘Mercy on the session Mistress, I’ve got a cracked rib and can’t continue.

She was surprised and disappointed. I wasn’t cross or angry with her (at least not that I remember). I found breathing painful and did for the next month or so.

I just wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible. The whole dynamic had been broken.

She offered another session at a reduced rate but I declined. She realized she’d lost a client. Reading that later I see the injustice of it, she was very good so maybe I should have had more sessions with her. Maybe I was hasty.

I felt more annoyed at not having the dungeon I wanted than at anything else. She’s still doing sessions at the same place now, but I’ve never seen her again for a session.

What Went Wrong

There were some basic mistakes made.

The first one was that I didn’t listen to my inner gut feeling. The room I had booked had been given to someone else, and sure they can do that. I should have cancelled the session. It would have been hard-assed but I should have done it. Pure and simple. I booked the room. They decided a 2 hour session was more important than my one hour session even though I had been going there maybe 6 years at that time. I remember feeling betrayed/annoyed/let down.

The second mistake was that I didn’t particularly bond with the mistress, I didn’t feel a rapport or a need to try again. I felt the absence of that ‘spark’ that I’ve felt so many other times. Cancelling before the session would have been difficult and upset the mistress but I wouldn’t have had a cracked rib and she would not have lost a client. I would have come back again later. Probably.

Now this mistress herself is very good. She started by asking me many questions about health and well being which some do not ask so she clearly has all the skills. This mistress was good that way. The problem is that the caning bench allows too much movement and it put pressure on one place hence the cracked rib. In my mind is the thought that she didn’t restrain me properly. It was not a good piece of furniture and I’ve been careful to avoid anything like it since.

In the future, if the room I want is not available, then it is no session for me that day.

What I Would Change Now

Looking Back Reflectively

Strangely enough I have wished so many times that my need for BDSM did not exist. I wished I could be totally vanilla and other passtimes did the job that BDSM fits into.

But it is and that is life. I was born with it. It is a part of who I am and it has shaped my life. Without it I would be a different person.

For me BDSM is an escape, a transport mechanism that is deeply ingrained into me. The dungeon, the mistress, the implements, the session are all immensely attractive.

I wish I could have accepted my BDSM need better. Accepting that BDSM does not and should not have the stigma that it did for me for all those decades would be fantastic. My stress levels, my guilt, my difficult in dealing with the real world would have been so much easier.

The internet not being available in my teens till my forties made life difficult. If it had been available then, I am sure I would have used it and benefited.

I wish I had got professional advice earlier. Visited a psychologist. Then again, 3 or 4 decades ago their perceptions might not have been as liberal as they are now. I know when I had my first counseling session in the early 2000’s that it was immensely beneficial, beneficial to the point of life changing.

Where To From Here

Very simple. Live life. Make the most of it. Accept who I am. Have my sessions when I want or need them. Move forward. Be the best person I can.

 

Pain and BDSM

Pain In BDSM Is Poorly Understood

Do any googling of pain and you’ll find definitions and articles written by medicos, researchers and journalists who are not into BDSM, or at least have only second hand experience, interviews, and self biases.

This blog post talks from first hand experience and a life time of inquiry.

Starting At The Beginning

The Definition of pain. ‘Pain is an unpleasant sensation caused by illness or injury.’ I have not included or limited to physical pain as depression and other mental issues cause a type of distress, a type of pain that is both very real and unpleasant.

Pain is the means for the body to tell you something is wrong. Without pain you would not know about that splinter, that disease, that cut; all those things that you must get seen to so you can remain healthy. Pain is a survival mechanism of the body to get you to act.

Pain is more than that to the BDSM community. It is included in some play, and it has its place.

Why Are you Here? Is it for research, for yourself, or are you just inquisitive?

This blog post is a journey into pain, how it is used, the effects and a discussion of the whole pain and BDSM dynamic.

Where am I in this? My perspective is that the BDSM play I like involves bondage and heavy corporal punishment. So there is considerable pain you would say. For me that is not an issue. It is an aspect of the play and it is a tool in the play to achieve what I want out of a BDSM session.

For me, pain is a tool, a part of a session and perhaps not the major part of it.

If you tell someone you are into BDSM their first reaction falls into a few categories and pain, if this is your kind of play, will be an issue for them to understand.

Work

Not In All BDSM

Thinking that all BDSM play has pain in it is like saying all icecream is chocolate. It simply is not the case.

BDSM is about consenting players performing roles that fit within the genre. Pain is only one aspect and is not in all BDSM.

When It Works

Pain in BDSM play is a tool, a segment of the play. It fits into other play and as such it adds. It can be cornerstone content or just peripheral.

When it works, pain in BDSM play can be cathartic, releasing, uplifting and transporting. It engulfs the recipient and focuses the mind.

The library

Why Oh Why?

Accepting pain in a BDSM session can seem too outworldly strange, so obscenely strange that being able to accept that people do actually have BDSM sessions designed to cause pain is difficult.

Their first question is “Why would anyone want to be whipped?”

But it is true. The infinite and amazing complexity of human nature means that there are people like this. I know. I am one of them. I can only speak from experience, and also add from my research.

Also this wrongly puts all pain related play, often known as impact play, into one tight box of definition. Pain can be very mild from a gentle scratching from fingernails, a gentle spanking just warming up the buttocks, or from clothes pegs, or from a spiked roller to the soles of the feet.

Some people hate certain implements. One mistress told me she has corporal punishment clients who can’t abide the cane as it brings back bad memories, so other implements are used.

The fact is, pain comes in many forms and many intensities.

Pain transports. For me this is the biggest effect of pain and the corporal punishment I like.

Pain is a transport mechanism. Nothing could be more true for me, and it is a part of the session, not the totality of it. It all works together as if in a matrix that defines the session.

Take the opposite of what I like. I imagine being in bondage and the mistress uses a feather or a soft gentle touch over my body. How on earth could I regress, feel cathartic relief, find myself totally engrossed in a session like that? It would be a waste of time.

Pain enhances an endorphin rush. The body in response to pain can produce a number of inner responses.

Endorphins are hormones with the body that can act to produce a feeling of euphoria and lessen the effects of pain. An endorphin rush happens when there is strong stimuli and in a BDSM session that can be through bondage and pain play.

Physical pain is focusing. It frees the mind of other things, of other cares, it is sharp and directed and it engulfs.

I promise, in a heavy corporal session my mind is nowhere else, thinking of nothing else. The only head space happening is there in the dungeon with mistress. When you add the endorphin rush, the head space, it is a powerful thing.

Pain is a sensation with stigma. If we stub our toe and complain about the pain, it is all good and normal. No one thinks twice and if you mention it, you get some sympathy. If we talk about corporal punishment in a BDSM session then all of a sudden it is thought of differently.

Remember The Golden Rules

Safe Sane Consensual play is the number one rule. All three things must combine before BDSM play is understaken. Sure, there is a thrill, a very real edge to breaking the rules. However the consequences may not be what’s intended.

Clearly my bias is toward scripted, negotiated types of play.

There are other types such as judicial and ‘extend me’ type sessions where the play is intended to really push the recipient, to make them accept more than they would normally ask for or want.

We Only Do What We Want is very true and no more true than in BDSM play.

In know that after some months away from BDSM, my needs change. I want more and deeper, stronger and longer session.

To this end I have asked mistresses to give me a cold prison strapping then a cold caning. This is corporal punishment with the most painful instruments without a warm up. It works really well in ‘sending’ me into sub-space and bringing on that endorphin rush, quickly. It is also very difficult to accept.

Easing Into It - Or Diving Right In

If pain is your thing, there are various types of play that involve it. For me it is corporal punishment, pure and simple. All the aspects of the session combine to make the session work for me, it is negotiated and it is what I want.

Gradually increasing the pain in a session is the typical method. The session has a warm up part when the sub/slave is subjected to ever more severe implements and with increasing levels of pain. At the start lighter implements may be used such as suede floggers and techniques such as hand spanking. Handspanking is very common and can be quite mild up to the surprisiongly effective when done well.

After the warm up, the level of activity ramps up. Over a period of ten minutes, a half hour or longer, mild spanking can morph into full strength strokes of an implement such as a belt, strap, whip or cane.

Sharp pain delivered without a warm up is usually referred to as a ‘cold’ type of session and usually an implement is mentioned.

These are hard to take, challenging. Usually a cold caning, or a cold strapping or a cold flogging is the kind of request or description only experienced players make. In my experience the mistress will be cautious in accepting such a session.

When it happens, the activity will be delivered with high intensity, hard, and is designed to shock the sub/slave, to test their limits and to bring an instant shock to the system.

There Are Similarities To Other Activities

Have you ever been stressed in your life then you take time off work (or whatever causes you stress) only to find it takes three days before your stress levels lower? Before you feel better?

Imagine an activity where you could compress those three days into a few hours? Imagine the sudden and life changing relief that transports you as all your cares are taken away. I know it well.

Mountain climbers, scuba divers, marathon runners, parachutists (you get the idea) are all people who engage in activities that demand total attention. Thinking about that board meeting, that argument with a spouse, anything less than full attention is not possible. Nothing exists other than that time when they are on the edge, staring at an activity that demands total attention.

Part of it will be conditioned. Just putting on the parachute and getting into the plane before a dive, putting on a wetsuit and all the gear before a dive – these are all transporting sensations that they have learned to accept with the pleasure and the release from their activity.

For myself, I know I start to regress, to get relief from stress, when I get into a car going on a holiday. I feel this stronger when I walk on a beach. It is stronger again when I put on a wetsuit and get into the surf. All these sensations, these stimulii all combine to transport, to capture, to engross and force other things out of my mind.

A BDSM Session is exactly the same. As soon as I walk into the dungeon it is just the same sensation. I Have Arrived is the feeling and it is so strong.

Being Precious About BDSM

I’m sorry I sound like I’m harping on about this topic, but you see, it has been such a problem to me over the years that I can’t do anything else.

I’ll try to tone down the angst-index after this post.

Being Age-ist.

I think that people of my (advanced) vintage feel the BDSM stigma far more than the younger set. I’m sure of it. I have been to a few play parties, a few years ago, and the much younger people there were vastly more comfortable with the whole dynamic than me.

I remember commenting to one young man in his late twenties that his generation looked vastly more honest. He was surprised at this. I said it was self honesty in that they looked to embrace their inner feelings better and also honesty with others in discussions. Both these things have been issues for me. He was surprised as it came from someone old enough to be his father, and that I actually said it.

That is a thing. The younger generation, in their twenties, thirties, and maybe early forties are vastly more accepting. They probably don’t understand my issues as it is foreign to them and their perceptions. My comment would be ‘how lucky you are.’

Time Has Helped

It has, isn’t that obvious. Sorry. Take it from someone who has been a keen observer of trends in this area, it is absolutely true that the whole BDSM thing has changed dramatically in the last two decades.

No longer is it an utterly taboo and a perverted topic. No longer is it seen as a mental illnes. it has become something that is almost accepted. Or, maybe seen as an alternative type pass time, a little odd maybe.

Just recently in the local newspaper it was mentioned that a woman was into bondage. Publishing that and some broad details was just such a difference to my earlier years. Then it would have been reported as at best being ‘alternative’ or more likely  perverted.

The Fifty Shades Thing

I haven’t read the books, though I have skimmed a few pages. While the topic is pretty much on trend for BDSM, and we have a millionaire etc in the mix making it totally unrepresentative of most BDSM play, it has huge relevance. It has brought the whole thing out of the closet. It has helped me.

I’ve seen the Fifty Shades being criticised as being hugely unrealistic, stupid, strange, poorly written etc. I don’t care. It has given some legitemacy to the whole BDSM community. My feeling is that if it’s not being spoken of in a bad light, that’s all to the better.

Yes. Overall. I think it has brought BDSM into a mainstream acceptance. It has done a lot of good for the genre.

Now someone can say ‘spanking’ and ‘bondage’ then the whole Fifty Shades thing is suddenly brought into focus and a default acceptability results.

All of a sudden mums and dads can get a feeling that it’s not that bad because they made a movie for general release out of it. And on the basis of this the Fifty Shades topics and play have become a staple of other TV and movie shows.

The Biggest Change

For me and it is obvious from the above, the biggest change has been the better acceptance of BDSM as a socially accepted pass time.

Now it is seen as just maybe a little odd, a little kinky, maybe a little out there and that’s about it. Suddenly we are not perverts or worse.

Now people are able to admit to it and not feel traumatised and worry about perceptions. There is a stable-base to point to (the Fifty Shades thing).

Now also the internet is so much more available to all. It has so much more information and the people providing it are vastly more open minded. Society is changing, hopefully for the better.

What do you think? What has been your experience?

Words Matter In BDSM Play

The negotiation or consultation time before a session is when you lay out what your expectations are. You will be speaking with a mistress, master, or play partner. Of vital importance is that you are both on the same wavelength.

You should never assume anything. Assumptions are the first step to disappointment.

Words Matter

Do you want a beating or a caning? They are different words and have different connotations the mistress may interpret differently to you.

I hate the word ‘beating’ as it avoids my fetist for belts and straps. I ask for a strapping. Lots of strapping. The mistress knows where my fetish really is.

What About Play Other Than Corporal

The same rules apply.

I like bondage but with belts and straps. I never ask to be tied up. That can involve rope and chain. Neither of these work for me.

I ask to be strapped up in bondage. To be strapped down to the bench (not tied with rope of course). That sort of thing.

So I am careful to use the right words.

For you, what is your fetish, what is your desire? Make sure you use the words that highlight it, make it plain.

Dealing With A Happy Ending

This has never been an issue for me, but I know mistresses who have complained bitterly that a client only mentions tis at the end of the session.

Most mistresses don’t offer sex. Hand relief however is often available. Also mistress may offer other services via other staff. If you want sex then maybe a service provider is available for that.

So, when you are setting up a pro dom session, make sure you are explicet and have no ambiguity.

Asking for a happy ending is not a very specific request. I am sure all the mistresses I have seen would query you and ask for more information.

Words Matter!

A Strap Called Curem Quick

The strap in my school was an accepted teaching aid. When you got strapped by a teacher, we called this ‘the cuts‘ as I guess that was an element of how it felt. It is a sharp stinging pain. I never heard of anyone actually being cut or blood or other damage other than to the ego and a little pain.

All Teachers Had A Strap

In grade five my teacher was Charlie and he was a regular user of the strap. He was renowned for it. We called teachers like this ‘strap happy’ as they tended to use it a lot.

The female teacher next door would send her students into our grade when they were naughty. Charlie would line them up then crack his strap over their palms one at a time. Think about that; she would send her students into another grade for corporal punishment, to get the cuts from our teacher. And that was normal.

For the reluctant visitors to our grade it would have been a difficult and trying experience I am sure. When you were in school, you never knew what another teacher was like and standing at the front of a different grade and having to put your hand out for the strap would have been horrid. Charlie also had a reputation as being a hard strapper so that would not have helped one little bit. Yet it happened.

Anyway, Charlie got sick of this and one day sent his strap back to the teacher so she could keep it and use it. For some reason, being a woman or being new to teaching, she didn’t have a strap till then. I don’t remember Charlie ever being without a strap so be must have replaced it quickly or had a spare.

Back to the story – Our Grade Six Teacher

In grade 6 we had a new teacher to the school, a Mr P who had moved from another school. Unlike all the other male and probably all the female teachers, he didn’t have a strap.

I remember him as being an OK kind of teacher. Not overly strict, not slack, not a ‘screamer’ or inclined to anything. He was a fairly typical teacher. My previous year teacher ‘Charlie’ was very strict and was dead keen with his strap which I got twice from him.

One thing Mr P did was to seat all the boys with girls. In those days we sat at 2-person desks with wooden lift up lids, a flat board to sit on and a flat board behind to lean against. There was no padding or softness to it. By today’s standards they were pretty Spartan.

I was seated next to Erin G, the daughter of the bar owner across the road. Mr P would have his lunch there on Friday which amused us.

As mentioned, the strap was in common use in my era and the technique was always the same. A good hard crack across the palm. Usually the miscreant was called out the front of the class and one stroke was given. I remember it as hurting but not all that much. The embarrassment of every other eye on the class watching was worse. I’ve never liked being the focus of attention.

In his first few weeks, as I remember, he said he’d lost his strap and that it had a name, ‘Curem Quick‘ which made us nervous.

‘Cure Them Quickly’ was the obvious implication as a dose of his strap would turn unruly children into little angels.

He said he called it ‘Mr Quick’ usually. I remember he said Mr Quick the teaching aid had once been mentioned in a school pamphlet as producing excellent results. The corporal punishment humour of the period was a little odd I suppose but it shows the acceptance of it.

Since he didn’t have a strap, we were quite pleased with that. The point of this anecdote is that one of the other kids in the grade told his mother that Mr P didn’t have a strap.

No Strap? Mrs T to the Rescue

One day Mr P made an announcement, he had a new strap and it had been given to him by Mrs T, mother of one of the boys in the grade. This was not particularly good news and I remember we were very quiet at that news.

With that he flourished it. I remember it as being a light tan in color and about a foot and a half long, maybe an inch and a half wide. I don’t remember if it was made from a belt or a piece of saddle leather. I never got up close and personal with it.

Common folk lore among us kids was that the teachers ‘starched’ their straps to make them stiffer and hurt more. Thinking about it, it was ridiculous. It was likely the stiffer straps were just dry and needed oil or were cut from stiff saddlery.

Also, I never heard of or saw a split strap, also known as a tawse. These were unheard of with us. I was later to learn that split straps have a very much increased sting to them. But that’s another story.

Anyway, Mr P’s strap was not stiff. I remember it as being much like normal belt leather and perhaps it was. Then to show his prowess he offered a stroke of his strap to the palm of anyone who wanted to try it. A taster I suppose.

In my day all the desks were lined up in rows from the front of the room to the back. I think there were 3 rows(?) of about 5 desks(?) making 30 students. More? Probably, as class sizes were quite large in those days.

“Who Wants To Try It,” which is not exactly what he said but you get the idea.

Trying Out The New Strap

Anyway, Mr P walked up each row and looked at each student. Some put their hands out and got the strap. Others didn’t.

I remember quite a few girls did, maybe because they didn’t normally get the cuts (as we called it) usually. Karen D the local doctors daughter did as did Erin G who sat next to me.

To my unending shame I did not put my hand out. I just couldn’t.

I remember Mr P looked at me. I remember him offering to give me a stroke of the strap and I think I remember his surprise that Erin who sat next to me got the cuts and I didn’t. I wimped it.

Why didn’t I? I remember the cuts didn’t hurt all that much. I think now, after all these years, it was the secret feeling that it meant something more to me than a simple slap on the hand with a leather strap. It wasn’t something I could pass off and forget. It wasn’t that I thought was damaging or abusive or evil (pick any and all similar options). Getting the strap was special to me.

Anyway, this was the first workout of the new strap. I never did get the cuts off Mr P and only one other boy did. I remember him crying. We didn’t see the event, just saw him crying and looking upset later. Mr P must have given it to him hard. Thinking back, it was pretty awful, barbaric in fact.

All of this raised questions. Firstly that Mrs T had a strap, so a mother strapped her son at home? I remember being surprised at that. Then the next question, what did she replace it with, something worse or bigger? I don’t remember the woman but her son was a live wire. I remember him as short and often in trouble.

So, getting the cuts in school was normal. In those days the parents would have received the same and it wasn’t commented on. “Oh, so you got the strap at school dear, that will teach you,” was the attitude.

I remember staying at a friends house one night. His mother and sister were talking and he mentioned he’d got the cuts at school. Both his mother and sister had been amused by it. His ability to talk about something like that defeated me. I just couldn’t talk about it.

School days.

Strong Words That Helped

It was in about 2005 when I sought professional help as my life was in crisis. Things had got vastly out of hand. I was a mess.

I saw a local psychologist  which was the best thing I ever did. She provided insights that made a life changing difference to me.

‘What does denial bring’ were the first words she said that hit me hard. It was obvious to her and probably to anyone reading this that I was sufferig from trying to hide my inner self. It was equally obvious to her that I should do something about it and this was the first step in that process.

‘BDSM does not make you a bad person’ was another set of strong words she gave me. These helped absolve me of guilt. In my state, that was a revelation.

I don’t know why you don’t have a BDSM session’ was another set. I described to her my inner longing and what I had fantasized about for years. She could see the turmoil in me and she said those words. They were again revelatory in that someone could accept me even knowing that.

‘The BDSM session does not lessen who you are.’ This was almost a repeat of the second thing, but it was in reference to my position as a manager, as a husband and father.

I Recommend Seeking Professional help

If you feel lost, abandoned, prone to depression and panic attacks then it is vital you seek help. You are not alone and help really is available.

If your state of mind has this BDSM thing in there, lurking, destabilizing you then take heed. You are just like me and again, help is readily available.