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BDSM and Psychologists

Not All Psychologists are Created Equally

When in a traumatic part of my life I had my first ever time with a psychologist, it was an absolute life changing event. I’d been suffering from life-threatening depression and the whole BDSM thing was reaching a bursting point.

For decades I’d kept this silent quiver of my need for BDSM submerged, in denial. Like a boiling pot, you can only bottle up the steam for so long before something breaks. And so it was for me.

Seeing a psychologist, talk therapy, gave me a revelation about myself and my need for BDSM that was life changing.

It also showed me that my perceptions were not based on reality.

Roped

My First Psychologist

In hindsight, I think I was lucky that the first psychologist I spoke with was knowledgeable and empathetic to my needs.

It took a lot of discussion and then trust to expose that I had this need for BDSM. She was the very first person I’d ever told about this – a secret I’d kept for at that time, over 30 years.

She said to me ‘why don’t you do it?‘ and for a woman to say that to me was life changing. She accepted that I had this need? That was extraordinary.

Then she said, ‘it won’t hurt anyone. It won’t change who you are, I can’t understand why you don’t do it‘ and again that was life changing.

For someone with so much angst, those were wonderful words.

Time Passed

Two other psychologists I visited were not for me. One was a smirker – it felt like he looked down his nose. The other was stupid.

Another was a bit of a prude and while I liked her as a person, I felt happier when I stopped seeing her. I just got the feeling it would be all too much for her.

So, these three I never opened up to.

Two Winners!

The previous to current psychologist was extremely accepting. She saw the whole BDSM thing as just another human activity. I was refreshed, happy, delighted, so pleased by that. Then she retired!

The current person I’m seeing (for other issues) is also very accepting. She is not knowledgeable about BDSM, didn’t know about sub-space and I suspect CBT has only the ‘cognitive behavior therapy’ definition for her. It will be interesting to see her face if I spell out the BDSM version should the topic come up.

Why am I seeing someone who is not knowledgeable about BDSM? Simple. She is intelligent, sensible, highly trained, accepting, and helping me in other ways but also with BDSM. She gives me a good perspective, insights, and is helping.

In Conclusion

Not all psychologists are created equal. They are humans, with human weaknesses and strengths. They have their special areas and asking them to deal with BDSM is a challenge if the connection is not there.

However, I have had great value from them.

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Thank You To MistressTish

Thank You Mistress Tish

Mistress Tish on her website mentioned how much work we’ve been doing here on our website. THANK YOU. She totally gets it.

Silent Quivers website is exactly what I feel with the BDSM I like. It is not a small thing – it is earthquake strong inside me and it has been my life for many decades now.

Depression and Anxiety

Briefly, for those coming from Mistress Tish’s website, the Silent Quivers from BDSM has a deep fundamental impact on the psyche. It can’t be ignored, it can’t be denied, and if something is not done about it, it is damaging. It was for me.

For myself, I was in denial for decades. Then in a time of stress, I broke. Depression was the result, with panic and anxiety attacks. Life was not good.

Suicidal thoughts were never far away either. Some days I said ‘I’ll end this tomorrow‘ and each day I put it off – thankfully.

It was only through accepting  the ‘BDSM IN ME’ that I was able to cope with life again. From that came acceptance, then peace, then happiness.

Life really does shine when you come to accept all it has to bring.

About Mistress Tish

I’ve known Mistress Tish for a half dozen years. We email regularly and I watch her website for updates. From what I can make out, she is unique.

Sometimes the ‘book by its cover’ saying could not be more true and none more so than for Mistress Tish. She has a half dozen years experience as a high end Dominatrix. She also holds a PhD in quantum foam space physics and mathematics. Her problem solving and practical hands on bent suits both her professions.

In the dungeon, her analytical and problem solving skills merge with a deep understanding of BDSM to produce sessions that leave clients absolutely engrossed and fulfilled.

In physics it places her at the lead in her field of experimental and theoretical physics, so much so that her startup company is now in the running for significant contacts.

Mistress Tish

It also dosn’t hurt that in fetish she is drop-dead stunning.

Do any research and it is clear Mistress Tish is an absolutely gorgeous Mistress, a Dominatrix, at the top of her profession.

She crafts sessions then works them to bring her clients to new levels of experience.

Her biographer (and I suspect client) Trikki Watson has more than a few stores about Mistress Tish. He’s published a few on Amazon and has told me about more that are coming.

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Pain and BDSM

Pain In BDSM Is Poorly Understood

Do any googling of pain and you’ll find definitions and articles written by medicos, researchers and journalists who are not into BDSM, or at least have only second hand experience, interviews, and self biases.

This blog post talks from first hand experience and a life time of inquiry.

Starting At The Beginning

The Definition of pain. ‘Pain is an unpleasant sensation caused by illness or injury.’ I have not included or limited to physical pain as depression and other mental issues cause a type of distress, a type of pain that is both very real and unpleasant.

Pain is the means for the body to tell you something is wrong. Without pain you would not know about that splinter, that disease, that cut; all those things that you must get seen to so you can remain healthy. Pain is a survival mechanism of the body to get you to act.

Pain is more than that to the BDSM community. It is included in some play, and it has its place.

Why Are you Here? Is it for research, for yourself, or are you just inquisitive?

This blog post is a journey into pain, how it is used, the effects and a discussion of the whole pain and BDSM dynamic.

Where am I in this? My perspective is that the BDSM play I like involves bondage and heavy corporal punishment. So there is considerable pain you would say. For me that is not an issue. It is an aspect of the play and it is a tool in the play to achieve what I want out of a BDSM session.

For me, pain is a tool, a part of a session and perhaps not the major part of it.

If you tell someone you are into BDSM their first reaction falls into a few categories and pain, if this is your kind of play, will be an issue for them to understand.

Work

Not In All BDSM

Thinking that all BDSM play has pain in it is like saying all icecream is chocolate. It simply is not the case.

BDSM is about consenting players performing roles that fit within the genre. Pain is only one aspect and is not in all BDSM.

When It Works

Pain in BDSM play is a tool, a segment of the play. It fits into other play and as such it adds. It can be cornerstone content or just peripheral.

When it works, pain in BDSM play can be cathartic, releasing, uplifting and transporting. It engulfs the recipient and focuses the mind.

The library

Why Oh Why?

Accepting pain in a BDSM session can seem too outworldly strange, so obscenely strange that being able to accept that people do actually have BDSM sessions designed to cause pain is difficult.

Their first question is “Why would anyone want to be whipped?”

But it is true. The infinite and amazing complexity of human nature means that there are people like this. I know. I am one of them. I can only speak from experience, and also add from my research.

Also this wrongly puts all pain related play, often known as impact play, into one tight box of definition. Pain can be very mild from a gentle scratching from fingernails, a gentle spanking just warming up the buttocks, or from clothes pegs, or from a spiked roller to the soles of the feet.

Some people hate certain implements. One mistress told me she has corporal punishment clients who can’t abide the cane as it brings back bad memories, so other implements are used.

The fact is, pain comes in many forms and many intensities.

Pain transports. For me this is the biggest effect of pain and the corporal punishment I like.

Pain is a transport mechanism. Nothing could be more true for me, and it is a part of the session, not the totality of it. It all works together as if in a matrix that defines the session.

Take the opposite of what I like. I imagine being in bondage and the mistress uses a feather or a soft gentle touch over my body. How on earth could I regress, feel cathartic relief, find myself totally engrossed in a session like that? It would be a waste of time.

Pain enhances an endorphin rush. The body in response to pain can produce a number of inner responses.

Endorphins are hormones with the body that can act to produce a feeling of euphoria and lessen the effects of pain. An endorphin rush happens when there is strong stimuli and in a BDSM session that can be through bondage and pain play.

Physical pain is focusing. It frees the mind of other things, of other cares, it is sharp and directed and it engulfs.

I promise, in a heavy corporal session my mind is nowhere else, thinking of nothing else. The only head space happening is there in the dungeon with mistress. When you add the endorphin rush, the head space, it is a powerful thing.

Pain is a sensation with stigma. If we stub our toe and complain about the pain, it is all good and normal. No one thinks twice and if you mention it, you get some sympathy. If we talk about corporal punishment in a BDSM session then all of a sudden it is thought of differently.

Remember The Golden Rules

Safe Sane Consensual play is the number one rule. All three things must combine before BDSM play is understaken. Sure, there is a thrill, a very real edge to breaking the rules. However the consequences may not be what’s intended.

Clearly my bias is toward scripted, negotiated types of play.

There are other types such as judicial and ‘extend me’ type sessions where the play is intended to really push the recipient, to make them accept more than they would normally ask for or want.

We Only Do What We Want is very true and no more true than in BDSM play.

In know that after some months away from BDSM, my needs change. I want more and deeper, stronger and longer session.

To this end I have asked mistresses to give me a cold prison strapping then a cold caning. This is corporal punishment with the most painful instruments without a warm up. It works really well in ‘sending’ me into sub-space and bringing on that endorphin rush, quickly. It is also very difficult to accept.

Easing Into It - Or Diving Right In

If pain is your thing, there are various types of play that involve it. For me it is corporal punishment, pure and simple. All the aspects of the session combine to make the session work for me, it is negotiated and it is what I want.

Gradually increasing the pain in a session is the typical method. The session has a warm up part when the sub/slave is subjected to ever more severe implements and with increasing levels of pain. At the start lighter implements may be used such as suede floggers and techniques such as hand spanking. Handspanking is very common and can be quite mild up to the surprisiongly effective when done well.

After the warm up, the level of activity ramps up. Over a period of ten minutes, a half hour or longer, mild spanking can morph into full strength strokes of an implement such as a belt, strap, whip or cane.

Sharp pain delivered without a warm up is usually referred to as a ‘cold’ type of session and usually an implement is mentioned.

These are hard to take, challenging. Usually a cold caning, or a cold strapping or a cold flogging is the kind of request or description only experienced players make. In my experience the mistress will be cautious in accepting such a session.

When it happens, the activity will be delivered with high intensity, hard, and is designed to shock the sub/slave, to test their limits and to bring an instant shock to the system.

There Are Similarities To Other Activities

Have you ever been stressed in your life then you take time off work (or whatever causes you stress) only to find it takes three days before your stress levels lower? Before you feel better?

Imagine an activity where you could compress those three days into a few hours? Imagine the sudden and life changing relief that transports you as all your cares are taken away. I know it well.

Mountain climbers, scuba divers, marathon runners, parachutists (you get the idea) are all people who engage in activities that demand total attention. Thinking about that board meeting, that argument with a spouse, anything less than full attention is not possible. Nothing exists other than that time when they are on the edge, staring at an activity that demands total attention.

Part of it will be conditioned. Just putting on the parachute and getting into the plane before a dive, putting on a wetsuit and all the gear before a dive – these are all transporting sensations that they have learned to accept with the pleasure and the release from their activity.

For myself, I know I start to regress, to get relief from stress, when I get into a car going on a holiday. I feel this stronger when I walk on a beach. It is stronger again when I put on a wetsuit and get into the surf. All these sensations, these stimulii all combine to transport, to capture, to engross and force other things out of my mind.

A BDSM Session is exactly the same. As soon as I walk into the dungeon it is just the same sensation. I Have Arrived is the feeling and it is so strong.

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Re-Write – First Blog

So. I deleted the original SilentQuivers site and this is a total re-write. I kept a copy of the blog posts – I’ll recreate them over the coming days.

Why? I was vastly unhappy with just about everything in the site, and even the page editor. I tried “updating” but the inevitable happened. I broke it badly. The only option was to delete everything and start again.