Trikki Update – From The Heart

Wrist Bondage

The year 2022 was not great for me. I’m inclined toward depression which was a problem for me then, and added to that has been the new and rather unpleasant experience of panic attacks.

“Why?” I ask myself. I can’t find a real reason other than maybe it is a culmination of things like getting older, financial uncertainty and not having as much money as I want and the feelings of my mortality.

I had some illness which comparatively speaking is nothing major and compared to others around me was quite mild. But to me it mattered, it shook me.

I remember coming into 2022 thinking that after the last two terrible pandemic years that 2022 could not be worse. I felt positive and upbeat. But it didn’t last. It seemed to be a long cold year that just dragged on and on. I felt it was a year without colour, without pleasure, a year where I struggled to find direction and satisfaction. I think in hindsight that 2022 was indeed worse than the 2 previous.

I had 2 BDSM sessions in 2022 which for me was not a lot. Maybe that was a contributing factor in that my internal balance was not as it should have been, that my special needs weren’t being met. Or was it that I felt so crap that BDSM sessions just didn’t happen?

But now we are 3 months into 2023. Work has been busy, my health has been kind of OK yet I’ve hardly posted anything here.

What About BDSM Sessions?

Again, I’m keenly feeling the absence of a BDSM session, so I’m booking myself in for 13 April with the Mistress I’ve been seeing for the last few years.

She’s exceptional and gets right into the whole corporal with fetish and bondage things.

I like ‘theatre’ in my sessions, the Mistress telling her slave she is going to ‘give you a strapping‘ and she is ‘going to use my belt on you‘ – all that kind of thing. Coming as it does from a drop dead gorgeous leather clad Mistress in a BDSM dungeon it is amazing.

I’m going to ask that it be heavy with an excess of belting, strapping and tawsing and caning. She has her own prison strap, and I have one, I think there will be some comparisons done. I want to really be extended, pulled out of my comfort zone. Bring it on.

What's Coming?

It all depends on my mood and time. If I can lift myself out of this doldrums of the spirit I regularly find myself in, expect quite a lot more content.

I am so close to finishing some stores – see below – and maybe some more regular posts on various BDSM things will happen. BDSM and the ageing process comes to mind as it is topical for me.

Just recently I heavily updated the post “How To Give A Hand Strapping” – it is worth a look as it now has links to videos on the topic. There is a post for that coming in a day or less.

In truth… I have absolutely no idea what next month holds, let alone the rest of the year.

What About Stories?

Over the last 12+ months I’ve written quite a lot. The two main genres have been the female led marriage and self bondage. Both have quite a bit of belt bondage and corporal making the sex rather steamy.

Keep your eyes out for them. I’ll publish some snippets here reasonably soon – with full novels on Amazon to follow.

For now – stay safe – play sane.

BDSM and Site Popularity

I created Silent Quivers, this site, a few years ago as a place to publish stories and provide some topical information on the BDSM kink I enjoy.

I had high hopes it would help people, as well as perhaps to entertain.

I also set about putting up what I thought was helpful information for people like me who maybe struggled with this secret passion.

I know this internal battle I feel between the logical side and my fetish and kink needs gives me a lot of trouble. At times I truly am almost quivering in my need. I had that for over 3 decades before I had my first ever BDSM session.

So Where Is This Site Going?

I don’t know. I don’t have a real plan. I wish I did. I am kind of using this post to help me make up my mind.

I’ve had a lot of pleasure from a few people who contacted me and thanked me for the information, taking the time, and showing them there are others out there like themselves.

There is no advertising on the site – and I do get approached for that. Not advertizing is deliberate – this is about something that is so private and dear to me and I don’t want to pollute or degrade the experience for others. But some money would be nice!

Some days I feel like scrapping the site and saving the hosting fees. At others I quite enjoy writing a post and then updating it later.

I’ve gone months without posting, and then post a few things in a week or two (like now). I have no schedule and that probably shows.

I have met a few people like myself through this site, only males, which is a little disappointing. But it really is pleasing when contact is made.

Some are into caning, others into hand strapping and tawsing and there are even a few domestic discipline readers (note to self – I must finish the story I have on this topic). But there is always a common theme of corporal punishment filling a need.

I do enjoy all the comments and feedback I get. Maybe if this dries up I’ll delete the site.

Why No New Stories?

It has been a while I’ll admit.

I absolutely enjoy writing about BDSM and my special kind of kink focused stories. I have a huge collection of them partially written, not finished, waiting for me to do some work on them. You get the idea!

Yes. I start something then don’t finish. That’s a huge problem.

For example, the “Femdom Riding Academy” is 12,000 words, and “Whip Mistress Transitions” is another 12,000 words, and “Naughty Solo Nancy” is 38,000 words. “Cyber Red Wire” is 35,000 words. I even wrote a “TED Talk” and re-wrote it 4 times detailing my life into these silent quivers – the journey from teen to senior. I gave the talk a half dozen times in a private time as if I was presenting to an audience, tweaking it for delivery and flow. That was challenging and enlightening.

The problem is I start, slam out thousands of words then something else comes to mind and I move on to work on that for a time.

Sorry! If you are wanting stores, they are there, just not finished. Yet.

Maybe if I got a little more encouragement I might finish some.

How Popular Is Silent Quivers?

I get anywhere from 20 to 100 impressions a day. This is the number of times the site comes up in an internet search and is shown to someone.

Google reports I get from 10 to 20 clicks a day for the last 2 months which results in an average of 13.3% clicks to views. Prior to that clicks could be as low as zero and as high as 20 again but the percentage was similar, and it is similar over 12 months.

These last few months have been more steady with higher regular clicks per day. I have no idea why that is happening – but the site is slowly growing. I think it is doing about double the traffic from 2 years go approx.

I’m looking at the most popular postings that are found by searches. It varies between three common searches.

Hand tawsing and strapping – is a very popular search. These lead to informative real life articles as well as fiction.

Cold caning – is another popular search and the posts on this get more trafic than most. I have one more in the pipeline for posting in a week or so (a fine plan that!).

Stories comes a close third. Users of the site probably search for one thing, then move to the stores to see what it’s all about.

But It is All About The Journey

Yep. I forget that so often.

I had my last session maybe 6 months ago now. I only had 2 during 2021 and COVID, work, depression and enduring life’s burden does weigh heavily on me.

Today I was feeling pretty low. The ‘black dog of depression‘ has been snapping at my heels for a while now. I commented to my wife I really am missing my secret hobby (she knows exactly what this is) and she told be to ‘just go and get it done‘ for which my love for her just blooms.

My fear is that I am feeling it would be an escape at this time of my life, putting my head in the sand. I would be just avoiding some of the issues we are facing and not addressing them properly.

Then again it would centre me, relieve me of stress and make me feel calm and relaxed and balanced again. I coul face the world with bright eyes, a calmed mind and a new attitude.

Damn! I’m arguing with myself again, never a great sign of mental balance because that is how I feel.

I truly envy those who can ‘just go and get things done‘ and storm through life without these silly internal conflicts.

But I do need the escape.

Silent Quivers helps in all this. I agonize, I write, I blather on about life and needs and kink – and it helps. Maybe it is a kind of public agony column and diary?

Just writing those words above makes me think.

If You've Read This Far....

You need a medal for perserverence!

Silent Quivers will be around for another year – the hosting fees are due soon and I’ll pay them. I’ll re-evaluate next year.

Thanks for being here.

Play safe, play sane – ‘Trikki

Depression – Anxiety – Panic Attacks

Alone In A Crowd

Depression, Panic, Anxiety And BDSM

Feeling crap? Did the COVID thing leave you feeling lost, vulnerable and depressed? Has life lost its shine?
I’ve written about this before, probably a few times. This is a much longer version with little kink – just a few top view type references.
I have deliberately not re-read those older blog posts. This is about me now, how I have been functioning with my now-time perspectives. There may well be contradictions if you compare blog posts. As I feel right now, I am sure there should be.

This is hard, emotionally and intellectually, particularly now as I’m not feeling the greatest.

Admitting some things that are usually kept internalized is difficult. I do tend to go into denial and suffer in silence till it all gets too much just like it did in April and May. This is about my mental health journey this year. It has not been a great journey.

I’m writing this as partly an exercise to look within myself to more better know and understand – and also in the hope it may help others. If so, then that makes it all worthwhile. Some feedback would be appreciated.

On that, feedback, I do get some, maybe a few emails a month and that sustains me particularly in the dark days when life does lose its vibrancy and pleasure.

The Year 2022

I’d like to put the blame for my low moods on the pandemic and lock-downs and the changes to society we’ve seen in the previous two years. As I get older I fear change. It rocks my reality a bit as maybe I’m becoming less flexible. But the pandemic caused changes that were particularly trying. I noticed it gave people a sense of paranoia, distrust, and fear. The fear was awful. If you were out in the street, no one would come near you and any contact at all was shunned. That is not the kind of normal life I grew up with.

But I can’t blame the pandemic much as I want to. It was a factor, not the root cause.

I’ve always had a weakness for depression and I’ve had the very occasional panic and anxiety attack years before the pandemic. So the pleasure of having something external to blame is denied me.

I’ve always looked at blame as a negative trait, a negative experience. It tries to shift responsibility away from ones-self and gives power over myself to someone or something else. I am responsible for me, for my journey and that has always been a mantra.

I can understand the relief, the release, the pleasure and the raw desire of not having myself held responsible for problems or for how I feel. But that is wrong. I can’t in honesty try that route.

I’m sure the pandemic was a contributor though. It hit a nerve, a receptor in me, it was the thin edge of the wedge that pried up the lid of Pandora’s box of mental health issues.

I came into year 2022 reasonably happy and looking forward to a better year. I said to myself, “2020 and 2021 have been awful. 2022 cannot be worse,” and that was the starting point. I came into the year feeling positive.

I had the mental image, this idyllic image of 2022 being happy, a rebuilding year full of positives.

Over the following weeks as we came out of the slump from the pandemic and came to terms with the new face of society dealing with COVID I just didn’t bounce-back. The economy seemed to be nervous to say the least then that too started to lift, but the lift was short termed and meager.

Sometimes I hate the media. They love to make a prediction of recession and doom and gloom. They seem to almost gloat in it, and then I just have this feeling they promote it so much that it comes true. I could do without that.

But my spirits started to get better. I started to feel like it was all going to be good.

Then Ukraine happened late February and that was upsetting.

Then soon after that for some reason, and I know I have no right to feel poorly, my moods darkened. It became a spiral downward where the feelings of impending doom grew. I could feel a tremor in my chest at times that lasted maybe a half hour, a tremor of deep anxiety and panic. It wasn’t a heart attack, but it felt like all the worst cases of nerves I ever had condensed flood into me.

I could feel like I was almost vibrating. I felt that a panic attack was happening and it was threatening to take over.

If you said it was like adrenaline but in a bad way, you’d be right.

Of course with me being the cave-dweller that I am (and regrettably so) I did nothing about it. Ahh dear, you’d think I’d have learned by now. The symptoms started to pile up over the following months till diarrhea, stomach upset and being ‘nervy’ were all happening day in-day out.

My mental health was poor. I was struggling.

One thing I found particularly strong was the absence of “joy” – there was none. Life was filled with black and whites and grays, the color was missing. The things I’d done previously that gave me pleasure really didn’t call. I wanted to retreat, to somehow escape from the darkness filled with panic and anxiety.

Also there was a listlessness to me. I couldn’t finish tasks, I struggled to be productive.

Giving Up The Power

Looking back, I gave up power over myself. I let other factors dominate me, pull me back, to dominate and control me.

“Get a grip on yourself” is terrible advice as it is damn near impossible and totally misses how a person is able to deal with the issues internally, but it would have been the cure.

Mental health skews our perceptions, my perceptions. I see and experience everything through a filter that is unhealthy and not based on reality. My emotions sit on a wobbly foundation. What was normal becomes a problem, what is real is diminished and then unfounded fears loom up and assume significance.

The Dark tunnel – In my worst days

I once said that I felt like there was a huge dark tunnel in front of me.

Like the side of a mountain with a dark tunnel going into it.

I am standing stock still some distance away, totally still, my arms and legs not moving.

I can’t move. Yet I am being pulled toward this dark tunnel. And that is terrifying.

It is as if I just had to be there. My legs weren’t moving, the landscape is pulling me in like on a travelator.

I found that damn scary. The inevitability of it all, the lack of control, the powerlessness of it sucking me into oblivion.

Being An Observer – Not a participant

Another aspect to depression I felt was that I became divorced from first-person reality.

I looked in on myself. I felt like a spectator to my life, as if things around me weren’t all that real or all that important.

I could have happily walked away from my life and gone into a monastery if I had truly believed I would have left those feeling behind. Or if I had the opportunity.

Sometimes self harm has not been far away.

That ‘dark tunnel’ feeling I had was both first-person – I was experiencing it directly and it was terrifying. Yet strangely at the same time it was also third person – I was looking down on it as it happened to me. It was a duality of feeling.

Again. I had this duality of self happening. It it was not a good experience.

Professional Help – My Doctor

My doctor is absolutely the very best person, and the very first person I go to when it all gets to the point that my life strategies aren’t working.


If you feel it is all a bit of a problem – then my strongest advice is to go there quickly.

Talk Therapy

I was skeptical. I was quite wrong.

A few years ago I discovered how effective this is. I can understand why my doctor recommended it, and I can understand why it can be so effective for so many people.

Talking about my anxiety, panic and depression helped. I found a great psychologist who I bonded with and the experience was great.

The thing is, she saw my life from a different viewpoint, from a far better connection to reality. Me describing what was happening in my life, with the words coming out of my own mouth in responses to her questions were powerful. In answering, me myself and I affirmed that life was not that bad. But it took a while.

Below this and at the foundation, now that I think about it, she pushed my intellectual and analytic side to the surface. That took over from the poorly functioning emotional side and it saw life much more clearly. That was no small thing.

She has the ability to ask questions that make me reflect, analyze, think about what truly is happening around me and to challenge my emotionally compromised perceptions.

Her question, “What do you really have to feel panic about” was so correct and topical.

It was blindingly simple, so simple my mental state just could not cope with doing that by itself.

It was a bit stark too, I was feeling awful and I felt so challenged by the simple question. How could she not know? And my answers were telling and stupid. Then they got better. She pulled and pushed at me to get that mental shift I needed.

Her viewpoint of me having a loving and supporting wife and family, being professionally employed with good prospects and having a lifestyle that was not filled full of trauma really was enviable to her, and I suppose to so many others.

I truly am blessed with the relationships around me. I couldn’t see it.

What she did was to make me realize that the reality I had been feeling was false. This was a direct attack on the root cause of my depression and panic etc attacks.

Her questions and my answers stabbed a bright shaft of logic, of actual reality into the deep dark places that I’d been living in.

That was a good experience. I came out of each therapy session feeling positive and feeling that life really wasn’t so bad.

And that was late in 2019. How the years fly. I still remember my last visit and feeling pretty good about myself.

Then The Pandemic

It was a slow slinking stealthy kind of decline I felt, I suffered. There was no one thing, no one day that I can say “this was the day.”

We don’t go out a hell of a lot, we are an inward looking family but all of a sudden we couldn’t even go out to dinner or travel or go shopping – as most shops were shut and we had a distance limit on travel.

As the days of shock at lock-down turned into weeks then months then years it eroded me. It wore me down. I was weakened I think. My stable base became wafer thin.

Yes. That analogy I used of it being the thin edge of the wedge that found a weakness in me is true and correct.

It Is Like A Cancer

I was going to say a fire that smolders then flares up time and again, or similar. But cancer is such an ugly thing that it more truly reflects how depression, anxiety and panic attacks can hit and then fester.

As a wise person once said, “to fester is to rot” and wow is that correct – depression feeds on itself, generates other negative feelings and forms a positive feedback downward spiral loop.

I found that talk therapy was very good. I came away from each session feeling that a weight had been lifted, that I’d made progress.

And I went every week for 6 weeks.

Then the pandemic hit. I didn’t have any therapy for 2 years and change and that is when those few small cells of cancer-depression started to grow and grow.

Then in 2022 I had the full blown least-wanted symptoms again.

My lifer best practices were failing me. They sound so good, yet I still felt crap.

Where Does the BDSM Fit In?

Mental health for me is all about perceptions and the grip on reality I have. My life-perception-filter changes and gets distorted then my emotional and intellectual selves battle it out with the damaged emotional self winning. It pushes to the top dominating, then depression and the panic and anxiety attacks rule.

BDSM for me is such a big thing in my life. It is at the core of me. In its absence I know my moods go down and I really wouldn’t be surprised if that was a contributing factor to my depression. I find it grounds me, clears my mind and releases me from cares.

In May with my depression and anxiety and panic attacks so bad I was literally feeling quite sick, I booked a BDSM session with the Mistress I’ve been seeing. Then I had to cancel because I really was feeling so poorly.

Then after a week I was able to have that BDSM session.

The relief I felt was extraordinary.

The BDSM Relief

Summary : it floods the senses with a sensory overload, it takes my total attention and it takes me out of this world, it releases me totally. It is a total experience that can’t be denied.

People talk about endirphin rush and sub space and the ability to let go and be dominated. Sure. All of that. But in a way that no one aspect seems to be the answer. It is a total experience. It fills the senses totally.

BDSM for me is all about fantasy, fetish, and the physical sensations that happen in the session. It is a full experience, there is no one aspect of it. I find it all works together.

I find I need a very much ‘heavy’ corporal punishment and bondage type session to make these feelings work. The power of the session directly translates into the feelings of relief.

Being in belt bondage is for me a deep-escape and a profoundly psychological experience. I’ve given up control, I’m restrained, and I’m living my fetish for wide leather belts. I feel a comfort, a “coming home” type experience as I am in the bondage.

At the same time I am in a place, the dungeon, that is unique in the world. It is there that BDSM happens, that nothing else in the world intrudes into and that matters to me. I am a place where my fantasy and fetish are being catered for.

All that matters is in the dungeon. It sits heavily and pushes everything else out. The depression, the panic attack, the anxiety suddenly don’t matter. I am consumed in the dungeon by the experience.

Then I get corporal punishment.

Corporal Punishment As a Transport Not As A Punishment

Corporal adds a whole new depth to the BDSM, bondage and dungeon experience for me.

Some people (my wife in particular) have no idea why this works for me. To them (her) it is incomprehensible. Beyond stange. Truth; it is to me also! It goes against all my growing up principles and societal norms. Yet it works.

Strangely enough I don’t see it as being punished for something – I don’t feel the need to atone or seek some kind of forgiveness from the experience. It is called ‘Corporal Punishment’ but I don’t go there to be punished.

Context and sense of place is everything. I feel I regress in the dungeon when I’m in bondage. Then when Mistress uses a cane, a belt, a strap on me that just makes it far stronger. It is amazingly stronger. It pushes the world away. It is escapism. It is a stimulous of my body, nerves, pain receptors call it what you will, that floods into me.

In my last session I said to mistress, “I don’t see myself as a masochist,” and mistresses response, after giving me heavy corporal was, “you might like to rethink that,” as she is definitely of the opinion I am.

The classical definition of a masochist talks about sexual pleasure. I don’t get that at all. I don’t feel ‘excited’ – rather I find myself withdrawing into the experience, focusing and yet at the same time accepting the pain.

My wife knows about my sessions and I’ve told her there is zero sexual contact. I cannot masturbate or even accept a hand job etc. For me the corporal experience is so strong that the possibility of sexual release is just not there – there is not enough room in me after the BDSM to have a sexual experience.

The progression of the corporal in the session can flow in two ways.

For the session prior to last I asked for a cold prison strapping and then a cold caning. These are particularly challenging as there is no warm up. Warm up with a lighter less painful implement conditions the skin abs also the nerves and the recipient to accept more. It is sort of like easing into the experience. A cold session is nothing like that – it is straight into the most painful implements. It is full on and it pushes all the boundaries. I can promise you it was challenging to accept and yet I felt as if it worked really well. At the time I am struggling to accept it and wanting it to be over yet at the same time not wanting it to stop.

Yes, contradiction is my constant companion. I look forward to it, I struggle to accept it and to endure it, then I’m disappointed when it’s over.

In my last session I had a more conventional session (albeit with 2 apprentices as well as Mistress). Mistress started off with a strapping from a quite supple folded over belt applied firmly. It lifted me onto my toes on the very first stroke, the sting surprising me. She knows I need it applied firmly.

A hard belting to start off with is all about surface sting from this kind of implement, whereas the cane cuts so deeply and the prison strap is a mixture of both and equally as challenging as the cane.

My prison strap is a replica of what was actually used in prisons and one look is all it takes to know what it is designed for.

Sitting here now as I type this I can’t say with any great certainty which is better or worse for my special needs – as I call them. The cold caning and prison strapping is certainly challenging, but that is no great consideration. I think, now with more thought, the conventional session progressing from lighter to more painful implements is better as it leads to a longer session, more strapping and caning. With a cold caning the bottom is more liable to being cut as without the previous strapping it is not warmed up. I prefer the longer duration, the longer experience.

In the months leading up to a session I do indulge in self bondage. I find I can go without the corporal but the effect is much less. I have gone years on just some self-bondage and I find that very satisfying in its own way, but it really is limited. It is just not the same. It’s like watered down milk – the color is a little thin, the taste weak and it’s just not as satisfying.

My wife cannot understand this at all. She sees the absurdity of it, of someone wanting to be hurt or punished and that is all it is to her. Each time we talk about it I tell her that the pain is just one aspect. It can even be a small aspect.

I tell her about a cold caning versus a more conventional experience. These just blow her mnd that I would do that and willingly. And even now, I feel no great aversion to either. If I could only have one type I would not be overly fussed if it was either.

She cannot understand that the pain is a transport. It is a by-product as must as a mechanism in itself.

It sends me. As mistress uses a belt, a strap, the tawse or a cane on me it overwhelms all my senses. The pain is there, it flares up, I have to deal with it and it takes all my energy and all my inner self to deal with it. That is good.

That leaves nothing else for anything else. I am consumed. It consumes me.

We’re taught early in our lives to shun pain. Pain is bad we’re taught, it means something is not right. And I get it, it is the same for me and a cause for my contradictions in my inner self. Yet the pain of corporal punishment is necessary for me to be totally removed from this world and taken to where the depression and anxiety don’t exist.

That is another way to look at it. I’m totally removed from this world and taken to where the depression and anxiety don’t exist.

My pain senses are triggered, they flood and dominate. The crack of the strap, the splat of the tawse and the bite of a cane are impossible to ignore. They are overwhelming. I’m gone, out of the here and now.

I tell my wife, “you can’t think of anything else, or be anywhere else when Mistress is caning me,” and she really struggles to understand.

My fetish is being triggered by the bondage stopping me from movement, and the leather mistress applying the corporal, and my sense of place in the dungeon, a place that only brings relief is bringing it all home.

Trying To Build Resilience

There are three aspects to this from my perspective.

The first is to adopt life practices that reduce the chance of a relapse.

This is clearly, on review, and on review again a week later, the most important part of the process for me.

Nothing beats having life practices that prevent the kinds of issues I’ve had.

For me this is all about my mental attitude to life and the challenges it throws at me. I do tend to be a bit of a dreamer and that does bring the burden of looking at worst case scenarios that usually never happen.

Maybe this does play into my fetish and BDSM life as that is all about shifted realities and fantasy.

What practices am I talking about?

Professional help is never far away. I need to say this. I know they can help and will help, all it takes is me to make the phone call. That is a reassurance that is good to have. They are my lifeline and my fall back and my go to when everything else is just not cutting it.

Reject denial, be honest with myself. I am guilty of this and say to myself and others, “everything is fine” when it plainly is not when I’m almost quivering in stress. I’ve let it get to far and made it far more difficult to deal with. Getting in early by rejecting denial and being honest really is an important life practice.

Affirmations. I find these quite powerful. Saying the words and meaning them helps. For example, saying “I know that everything in the world is going well and I have no need for fear.”

The use of logic. Just sitting down and writing down all the positives in my life really helps. Then I make a list of the problems, the negatives, and all of a suddenly they look so small and meaningless in comparison. I find this to be somewhat weak – if I’m not feeling great then my mental processing power makes this option feel poor – even though it is valuable.

Physical exercise and fitness. This has a huge impact. First of all is sleep, getting a better sleep because I am bodily tired really helps. Then there is the rush of achieving something – be it as simple as puling some weeds, caring for some plants or doing housework that makes me feel better with myself. It does not have to be too much – but it must get me off my butt and actually do something.

Achievement. I gen an endorphin rush from achievement. Small things that I can do to get a “rush of success” and the feeling that I made or did something that was successful is something I really like. Small things that can be completed quickly and not linger are best.

Be gentle with myself. I need to understand that setbacks, that problems, that issues that arise constantly are just small and not consequential. I don’t need to beat myself up for this.

Have a healthy regard for time. Looking back on things, feeling upset at something years ago has always been an issue for me. This is negative and soul destroying. It brings the upset of reliving a hurt or a loss and wishing I’d done things differently or cursing sheer chance. And it is totally pointless. Living in the now, thinking about the best things to come and using logic and good sense to ease into the future are ‘best practices’.

My BDSM side does need to be fulfilled. I cannot deny it. Denial brings stress. I know I can go 3 months, 6 months, 12 months and more but I also know that I miss it more and more. It becomes a constant source of destabilization. Then when I do have a BDSM session, I feel such relief and always say that I need to make it more regular. And I should.

The second is to recognize the onset early, and to have and use the tools I need to deal with them.

I get lazy. I forget. I must bounce into my ‘best practices’ asap.

It is a monitoring function. It needs to be timely. It needs to happen and not allow me to head off into a full blown recurrence.

This is all about being mindful of my state of mental health.

I must combine this with the first practice above.

Part of this is the “maintenance aspect” – that I need to ensure that my life practices are working and then if I sense an issue, to take action.

The third is to be able to deal with an onset and prevent a full blown recurrence. I must not let it linger, to build and strengthen till it is debilitating.

This wraps up the previous 2 steps.

I hit a full blown recurrence with the big-guns.

Over the years there have been various “grades” of depression and related problems I’ve faced. At the worst I’ve had to go to my doctor and been put on medication which was not great but the alternative was worse. Then at times I’ve taken myself off to talk therapy and that has been good.

Professional help really is #1.

Then there are my BDSM sessions. They have given me a profound release when my moods have been so low. I’ve gone into them stressed, feeling nauseous and almost trembling, then when I leave I really am a new me. They seem to clear me, refresh my mental attitude in a way that is hard to describe.

But I will try.

Imagine your best-ever holiday. Imagine how great it felt to be away from everything and to feel so good about it, so relaxed, so divorced from problems and stress. My BDSM sessions in such a short time fulfill that self same function. The experience is so strong, to engrossing, so powerful that I come away a whole new me.”

In Conclusion

Did you read this far? Did it make any sense to you? Did you get anything positive or any help from it? I truly hope so.
This has been an almost cathartic exercise for me. Documenting all this, writing it down puts things into perspective. Also being an introspective (and painfully so) type of person it helps to ground me.
Yes I am a cave-dweller kind of person living in denial given half the chance and that’s not healthy.
Accepting that is a good first step, then having life practices that help are the next step.
My best wishes – ‘Trikki

Contradictions and Confessions in BDSM


Even after having had so many BDSM pro-dom sessions since 2005 I still feel the contradictions within me. A war rages between the logical vanilla me and the kinky inner self that BDSM means so much to.

The end result is that I feel conflicted. I’m pulled inexorably like gravity toward BDSM while my logical self rebels.

Here are my thoughts and experiences on this.

Dom in Corset

The visual is so important, hitting hard at the fetish and the desires, making the mind wander. Fetish is all about the mind and our deepest secrets and passions.

In choosing a mistress the image is a powerful but very flawed motive. My experience is that the bio on the website is so much more important.

Rules for reading this : expect contradictions. That is where it’s at for me. I’ll be as plainly honest as possible.

Relationships are an issue. And at every level too. There I am in an office supervising a number of staff, and some time prior I’ve been stripped naked, in bondage, being strapped by a leather clad dominatrix with a very wide folded leather belt. It’s my own belt she’s worn then taken off and used on me, then put on again. All the time I’ve been ogling her, reveling in my wide belt fetish and the need for corporal punishment.

The contradictions in these times come to mind often. Imagine what my staff would think and say if they saw me in a session? And yes, I am precious about this.

Sure, these are vastly different times, vastly different in every way but I do feel that contradictory nature within my self in these situations.

My wife knows of my sessions. She doesn’t like it much but she knows I need it and am better for them. She knows there is no sexual contact and I’m not cheating on her. She knows I love her and she loves me. But I feel the tension, almost a disappointment in her voice when, yet she even suggests it at times, that I have a session when my need is obvious. Then when that time comes around again I keenly feel the conflict – the diversion from a normal-vanilla relationship that my sessions give me.

I do love her more for accepting my need, and I hate the thought of disappointing her for my strange (to her) needs.

Time changes everything. The longer I go without a session the more it feels normal and reasonable. I feel it pulling me in, my mind rationalizing how normal and fine it will be to be in the dungeon again stripped, strapped and caned.

Then when the session is over I’m floating. My brain is in a different space and I love it. Everything else is banished.

When I walk out of the dungeon I feel the relief and am at peace with the world. I really don’t feel the need for BDSM, it is so deeply slaked. The thought of another session does not appeal at all.

That lasts a while. Then after a few weeks my special needs start to return. What was once, after the session, something I really don’t need becomes more and more important.

I’ll admit to being ornery and cantankerous.

And that happens and gets worse because I need a session!

If my staff knew, they’d be sending me off with a note for misress to make it extra hard every few weeks when the grumps set in.

In Praise OF The Dominatrix

Welcome to 2022. Lets hope this is a better year, surely we have a right to that after the last two. I thought for the new year I’d start with something new and not something I’ve seen on the web.

Basically, I’d like to give my appreciation to those professionals who see to my BDSM related and fetish needs – the Dominatrix.


After all these years, and all these sessions, I find it is still easy to forget that a Dominatrix is another person, another human being with likes, hates, loves and loathes just the same as all the rest of us.

The Dominatrix / Client Relationship

My wife once commented when the subject came up, ‘You actually like these women who whip you’ and while that to some may seem an odd question, and also that it comes from my wife – it strikes to the heart of my life with BDSM.

First of all, my wife is accepting of my needs and understands she can’t see to them. For her my needs seem vastly illogical which caused her question as she considers any kind of pain or punishment to have a stigma attached. For her and most people the BDSM corporal punishment topic evokes highly negative thoughts.

Next it probably highlights an outsiders perceptions of the whole relationship between the slave (meaning me the client) and the Dominatrix.

And yes I do like them. They work hard, often with poor guidance and more than often in ways that would challenge most of us.

There Are Many Reasons

Attempting to understand the need for a Dominatrix, and then how a Dominatrix works are central to understanding the whole dynamic, the interaction between the Dominatrix and her client.

Also, and feeling pedantic, the exact phrasing of the question should be considered.

The phrasing actually matters more than most would suspect. There is a distinction in the phrasing of the question that really does matter to me.

The word “whip” is used in the question as a global term meaning to “beat” or “strike” or “hit” and a worse term is “thrashed” – which while they sound so similar, I don’t like them. Those words don’t have any feeling of fetish for me, they are generalizations.

I vastly prefer terms that define the type of punishment and the implement used, “strapping” and “belting” and “tawsing” work for me and of course a “caning” is always good.

Whips just are not my thing, well then again, I had a mistress a decade ago who was ambidextrous and used two stock whips on me at once. I suspect she struggled to find suitable slaves to ply this unusual ability on. I found the experience kind of ok, but not as intense as I had expected. The visual was pretty good though, the leather Dominatrix with two stock whips is always a pretty good look. Maybe she went light on me?

In my last session in early December 2021 the mistress told me I’m going to give the a thrashing so hard you won’t be able to sit down for days” which I liked the idea of and was kind of ok but I wish she’d said it was going to be a belting as she was holding a doubled over wide leather belt at the time. Since I was gagged and in bondage I didn’t have the possibility of saying anything and besides, correcting a Dominatrix in mid-session is really not the done thing. This mistress takes her work seriously, tries hard and I really did not want to give her anything other than positive feedback. Plus and importantly, it was my omission for not outlining that terminology before the session.

So, why do I visit a Dominatrix and pay for the privilege? The answer is extremely simple; I do it because it fills a space, fulfills a need, slakes a thirst I have that can’t be satisfied any other way.

You see, deep down where this need lives, there is a layer above put there by my upbringing and the definitions of polite society that says visiting a Dominatrix for a BDSM session is just not the done thing. That makes it seem even more unlikely that I should do this. But I do it because it works so well for me. From a cost-benefit point of view, the benefits far outweigh the emotional and monetary costs.

So why on earth would I actually like someone who whips me (there, that annoying terminology again but it does clarify things in an abbreviated way), causes discomfort, pain and from a rational point of view humiliates me? I do it because, and the answer is the same and like I said, it satisfies that need and does it in a professional manner that I doubt could be done in any other way.

But there is more to it that that.

If you want a simple answer, then you’ve had it.

If you want to look deeper to understand the relationship better, the benefits and yes also the costs, then read on.

In Summary – It all Works Together. It really does for me. I can afford the cost, I love the fetish look of the dominatrix in leather, the pain from the corporal punishment and the deeply cathartic feelings from tight strappy leather bondage. The Dominatrix gives acceptance and the way the BDSM session is played out all make me want it, and have kept me returning for 16 years now. From time to time I find there is a highly therapeutic nature to my BDSM sessions, but there is no doubt that it is an integral part of me, of who I am and that I need it.

First of all, the scrooge in all of us wants to know the cost and how to minimize it. For me, when I started it in 2005 the cost for a BDSM session with a Dominatrix in a professional dungeon was around $200 an hour. Now in 2022 that cost has risen to at least $300 depending on the time, person and the establishment. Of course, that was for my kind of session – pure bondage and corporal punishment. If there were other services that require cleaning or special arrangements then the cost of course escalates.

The cost for me has been substantial as I like (need?) at least a few sessions each year so yes, the cost quickly adds up.

Is there an alternative? Yes of course! You can visit clubs, seek out play partners, and do the whole ‘self bondage and corporal’ thing. If that works for you, then well done and you have my respect. For me those just don’t do it for me at a number of levels.

For me the BDSM dungeon and the mistress / Dominatrix thing is super deep, deeper than can be done at home by myself. Having someone else participate brings the experience home far better, far more meaningfully. By contrast the self bondage experiences can be satisfying in getting out the gear and exploring the fetish but they are a superficial and short term panacea at best.

What matters in your life? That is a question we all ask even if self consciously and then answer by the decisions we make. On a daily basis too. Our partner, if we have one, and our life journey are all a reflection of what matters to us. Visiting a Dominatrix is absolutely one of those decisions that I made that said ‘I want this experience because it matters to me and I want to make it special.

At a simplistic level, experience counts. No casual play partner or club experience will ever have the depth of experience and capability that a Dominatrix who has worked in the industry day after day and for years will have. Another way of looking at it; would you want to visit a medical professional or an amateur to has done some reading and works part time at it?

In my first ever session as a total newbie to pro-Domme sessions, the Dominatrix did things I never thought of, had equipment I didn’t know existed, and made the experience almost intoxicating. Her skill, attention, and her vast experience all made it special. Most importantly it was done professionally.

The need to submit in the BDSM session, to do the power exchange thing (a term I’m not in love with) is something that can be very strong in a BDSM session with a Dominatrix. Some people (men) really need this at times in their lives for a multitude of reasons.

I remember in my first session I was almost terrified at times as the Dominatrix took control, at others I was wondering how I had got myself into this position, and at others almost in a stupor at the effects of the session. When you add all those emotions together and they sit on top of decades of denial then the effect is very special indeed.

Maybe there is a fear-factor at play that adds to and generates all these strong feelings that makes it so addictive and almost intoxicating. Here you are being dominated by a Dominatrix and all of a suddenly you are out of your comfort zone and relinquishing control making it very powerful.

That submission, being told to endure, to take what is given and commanded by the leather clad Dominatrix does bring an endorphin rush. The mental mind-shift this brings is uniquely powerful.

I once saw BDSM and being a Dominatrix described as ‘Private Theater’ and on reflection it really is. It is particularly private in fact, with an audience of one and the Dominatrix plays a part that has been scripted by the pre-session discussion and the type of session.

The Dominatrix acts out a scenario based on the needs of her client, her slave, and it is for that person, her client alone. Choosing a Dominatrix is a lot like choosing an experienced actor, someone who has does it all before, knows what they are doing and understands the audience.

Guilt and an absence of emotional attachment. These are also big things. I visit a Dominatrix then when the session is over, I go my way, she goes her way and we each move on with our lives. There is no danger of damaging my marriage and I have not had sex outside the marriage or been unfaithful to my wife.

The guilt factor is there but vastly diminished. Sure, I have been naked with another woman and indulging in something intensely private with her, but again, there is no challenge to my wife. Yes, I am treating the Dominatrix as if she were a service provider, as a professional not a lot different to a medical professional (and there are similarities in my mind) so surely I can actually like her? Respect her? All just the same as my doctor.

If I’d sought out someone from a play party or an internet matching service specializing in BDSM I’m reasonably sure I would not have those benefits. I have no intention of forming an attachment to someone based on my BDSM needs, and hence the Dominatrix experience suits me very well.

There is a hint of a contradiction, of hypocrisy in this of course. Yes I am treating the Dominatrix as a purely commercial arrangement, yet I like them. We greet, chat, talk happily before and after a session and could be reasonably expected to be called friends. But there is an extremely well defined line across which I cannot cross and she will not accept (and quite rightly so).

The Dominatrix and the BDSM session do have a strong therapeutic value. Sometimes when I have a BDSM session I know I am wound up and tense, sometimes feeling as if I’m about to have a panic attack and that the world is jarring on me making life difficult. There have been articles on the web about the “spank therapy” types of sessions and indeed there are stories of it being used (by caning) in Russia at a clinic.

Broadly speaking I find there are three distinct ways the BDSM sessions work for me. Firstly, it is experiencing the fantasy and fetish that means so much to me. It is the ability to do this in a safe and professionally done way where it all come sout, nothing is hidden or denied, where there it total honesty about what is happening. Then there is the acceptance of doing this with another person who can participate and make it so much better for me. She caters for my special needs, she pushed me along, she makes it all work so very well. Finally is the raw experience of the session, the sensory overload and yes the pain that helps trigger the endorphin rush that ‘sends me’ into another mental head space. Mixed with this is the focus. I am nowhere else, I can’t be – I am in the session and the rest of the world doesn’t exist. It can’t. I’m totally there in the session.

I quipped once to my wife that ‘It’s impossible to be feeling depressed when the Mistress is giving me a strapping with her belt.’ And that is so true. There is only the ‘now’ and all the causes, reasons, history of the depression don’t exist. If you’ve ever had depression, getting it caned out of you, of strapped out of you, can feel very attractive.

Gear and space also matter. When I enter a professional dungeon I feel the change in myself. It is deep, so very deep, seemingly like an out of body experience. Just walking into the dungeon does it.

Have you ever tried meditation? If you have and it has been so very deep that when you return to the real world you feel immensely relaxed and at peace, well that is close to how I feel when I walk into the dungeon. All my tensions have eased, all the distractions in the world are gone. There is only the here and now.

You can get a little of this walking into other spaces, shops, peoples houses, you name it – your mind reacts to the environment and that is strong for me in a dungeon.

Yes, I’ve done the self-bondage thing for a few decades, far too many of them in fact. The reality is that it is great to feel the gear, to smell the leather and to move against the straps and belts that bind me. It falls down because being in a bedroom or similar space just does not have the same effect no matter how I try.

Looking at that paragraph, I suspect the best Dominatrix operating out of a bedroom or a garage and not having that ‘Dungeon feel’ would not work well. Thinking back, I have actually visited 2 home bedroom type dungeons and while each Dominatrix was great, I didn’t have many sessions there. I gravitated back to the full dungeon venues.

The Acceptance a Dominatrix gives is no small thing. This is easily missed, but it is huge. I have this special need and this internal stigma battling within me, and now I can visit someone before whom I can lay it all out, expose my innermost kinky thoughts and secrets and actually do it. And she accepts me. What is not to like, or love, in that interaction.

At a simple level, here is someone who will keep my secret and work with me to make it happen.

She accepts, she works with me and she makes me feel good in a way that is deeply comforting. That kind of acceptance just cannot be measured.

I remember, still, my first ever session where I’d told the Dominatrix I loved the belt bondage thing and had done self-bondage with belts for decades. During the session she introduced me to a bondage-spine, also known as a fish-bone harness. It has one long strap that runs from the back of the head down to the ankles. Through this are threaded a dozen other wide straps that wrap the body and when done up tight really is the pinnacle of belt bondage experiences. To this day, a decade+ later, regret the missed opportunity I had to purchase that spine when the dungeon closed down, but missed out.

Anyway, there I was in the session, naked, laying on the floor strapped up tight in this fantastic harness of wide leather straps, belts, and loving it. Really loving it. Standing above me was the leather clad Dominatrix with a strap giving me a hand strapping (I had to rotate my palms outward so she could apply the tawse she had), then she rolled me onto my front and gave me some bastinado from the tawse to the soles of my feet, and strapped my butt for a while. There was no downside to this. I still remember the out-of-body feeling, that feeling of ‘Am I really doing this’ as I lay there submerged so deep into sub-space.

The key point in this was that the Dominatrix facilitated it, made it work, and made the session so much batter as a result. For the first time in my life I was with someone who understood. And accepted.

In my most recent session late in 2021 at the start of my session I stripped off, had a shower then put myself into bondage prior to the Dominatrix returning for the start of session. There I was kneeling, with seven belts circling my ankles, calves, knees, waist and arms then linking them. I had on wrist cuffs that were clipped to a joiner that belts kept in the middle of my chest. It was an amazingly (even to me) display of kinky belt bondage and the Dominatrix hardly blinked an eye. Maybe she felt some surprise that I’d gone significantly further with my pre-session bondage than previously, maybe she was wondering how I’d done it all, but the reality was that she wasn’t fazed for an instant. Again, that kind of acceptance lets me indulge in the kink in a way that just works so well.

I find humiliation is always a part of a BDSM session. While I do not ask for it and have absolutely no desire for humiliation, how on earth could I indulge my secret fetishes and not feel humiliated in some way? Maybe humiliation is an excessive term – perhaps embarrassment might be more accurate.

My BDSM sessions have bondage and corporal punishment pretty much exclusively. I’ll be naked with many leather straps binding me, gagged, as the Dominatrix used all the implements on me. I find being naked like that, in bondage and in front of someone to be quite embarrassing even though I’ve been doing this for so many years.

Take hand strapping (tawsing) for example. I am naked and usually kneeling. The Dominatrix stands in front of me then tells me to put my hand out for the strap. She commands me. I lift my hand then she uses the strap or tawse or belt and brings it down hard along the length of my hand and fingers. It can be excruciatingly painful and she is right in front of me, watching me as she gives me that strapping. When I react, she is right in front of me watching, and I find that humiliating. There I am naked with my hand out getting a strapping just like I did at school in front of all my peers. It is all brought back to me.

What makes it all work is that the Dominatrix caters for this need impartially and professionally. She does not judge or feel horrified but rather she is accepting.

All this speaks to mental health. Yes it does most certainly for me. My having a session I know my tensions and inner conflict is vastly reduced. I feel myself building up steam between sessions, becoming less at ease and more easily angered and ‘just not me’ as my wife says. Then she sends me off for a session and I come away a whole new person.

If I couldn’t have sessions, I know I would be termed ‘an angry man liable to fly off the handle’ far more than I am now. So yes, there is absolutely a significant mental health aspect to BDSM sessions and the role of the Dominatrix.

As for the Dominatrix herself, I generally like and respect them. How on earth do they have an easy job? They must cater for such a wide variety of needs, be empathetic to their client and do things that challenge societal norms. They work in a sexual environment where I am sure they are asked inappropriate questions and perhaps subject to expectations that are immensely difficult to satisfy. Yet they do this, try so hard and in my experience and given half a change do it so well.

Sure, I have had sessions that really didn’t work, the Dominatrix and I just did not ‘mesh’ such that the sessions were less than great. Looking back and being bluntly honest, one was a time waster, one was self obsessed, and two others were absolutely my fault as I’d read into their profiles and used assumptions that were wrong. Rule number one, choose carefully.

So yes, I do like these people who whip me.

Mental Health And BDSM – My Story

Sometimes Life Loses Its colour

I know at times how difficult it is to be happy when life seems to be sucking all the pleasure out of my life. I feel isolated, depressed, and at times even worse.

Some times of the year are worse than others, too. Sometimes when we are meant to be happy, joyous, festive, the mood really struggles to lift.

Mental Health

Having that huge inner secret really can make like difficult. It did for me for years.

This is part of my story, how BDSM has become an accepted part of my life.

BDSM Really Is Central To Me

It is clear to me that my mental health and BDSM are closely related. I know that the denial decades, the time when I denied that I had these needs, were difficult. I know those decades were marked by mood swings and feelings of inadequacy and depression.

When I sought counseling then had my greatest fears put to rest by more than one psychologist it lifted a burden from me. Then I was able to have my first ever BDSM experience with a professional mistress, a dominatrix.

I can still remember how I felt after that first session. It was like a weight had been lifted, like I was a new person, like I had been reborn and rebuilt.

To be told by medical practitioners, “No your BDSM side does not make you a bad person or take away from who you are,” was one of the most profound moments in my life.

Where It All Started

In my very early teens I discovered self-bondage and the joy of having a belt fetish. Since this was in a time before the internet, and half a century before the 50 shades phenomenon, knowledge and acceptance of this kind of activity was pretty much nil.

From my upbringing, I was totally unable to admit this need to anyone and it became my secret pleasure for decades, but also a source of instability.

In fact, I’d (of course) known absolutely nothing about what I was doing and enjoying, I just knew it called to me and I felt better for it. It was a spontaneous pleasure that surfaced from an inner need.

The key take away is that I did it spontaneously.

Where’s The Benefit

Without going into detail, but over the years my needs changed slightly and grew.

I found that after indulging in my secret pleasure that I was happier for a time afterward. It seemed to relax, to release, to free my innermost self in some way that nothing else could.

Sex, vanilla sex outside of BDSM was great which I enjoyed and still enjoy immensely. My BDSM needs don’t take away from that but I’ve never mixed them together. For me they are separate but I am sure that for others this is not the case. We’re all different and while I sometimes I wish I could mix the two together it is not a strong or great wish.

I could talk about the mechanisms, the things that are done, the equipment, the fetish, the pain and the erotic or sub-space nature of the BDSM session but that is a topic for another post. It is also different for different people as I am sure my needs are different from others.

What matters to me and what makes my sessions work probably won’t be the same for many others, and vice versa.

The direction the benefit comes from, the means to that benefit comes from a number of sources or reasons.

First of all, being tied up, in bondage, seems to affect me deeply. I feel a release from stress and a giving up of responsibility.

I love that feeling, both physically and mentally as belts wrap and restrain me.

Sub-space is a real thing for me. All the aspects of the BDSM session work with this to push me deeper and deeper into a far more relaxed state sometimes called ‘sub-space’ where the every-day-me is gone and a new me emerges. It is a me that has regressed to become almost elemental in its regression and freedom from this world.

Sub-space is a little like deep meditation. It is a time when the usual day to day “me” is gone and replaced by a totally placid, passive, un-thinking and un-caring me who just responds in the session and floats along with it.

I once told my wife that it’s impossible to thinking of much else when you’re tied up getting a strapping from a leather clad dominatrix. And it’s true. The whole experience, and because it’s so deep within me, pushes me into a totally different space. Nothing else in the world exists.

Fetish and indulgence are factors. Being able to indulge in fetish, to let that inner need out and to have acceptance and participation from someone else is a huge thing.

Just being able to indulge in something that means so much to me means a lot.

Also the humiliation of being in bondage, of being given corporal punishment while in bondage and to feel that embarrassment is all part of it. It challenges my societal norms, yet I do it, yet it challenges and the contradictions take a toll on me.

It all helps push me into sub-space, to change me.

For the vanilla readers – the nearest I can give you as an example;

Imagine you have had a terrible month, the most stressful you can imagine. Then you set out to go on holiday and the traffic is terrible, everything conspires to make your life difficult. The car has trouble, there is road work, you get a speeding ticket – the list goes on. Then you get to your destination feeling tired and washed out and stressed, you throw your bags in the hotel room and walk down to the beach. Suddenly the trauma in your brain stops, your mood changes and expands expands into the surroundings, all the weight is lifted and stresses are forgotten and you feel good. You are on holiday. You walk bare footed in the surf and listen to the crashing waves as it consumes you.

Well, that’s how I feel at the start of a BDSM session, then it just gets better.

Perhaps it is in the giving up of the self, giving the power over myself to another (oft called power exchange), removing all my cares and responsibilities that has such a profound effect on me.

“Power exchange” to me is a clinical term in my opinion. It is used to describe the process of the BDSM session where the mistress dominates the slave for a time. For me, I have never thought that. The BDSM session is my coming out time, when I live my inner fantasy. I;m free to indulge even if only for a short time.

As Time Went On

Back onto the time line, after my teenage years I remained in denial for three decades and change before I eventually “broke” then saw a therapist who reassured me that in these much more enlightened times, my needs did not make me bad person.

After my first BDSM session I found a peace and acceptance and a release from inner tensions that had been growing for decades. It was a particularly cathartic time and a time of self discovery. While I didn’t cry from the release, I could absolutely understand it if others did.

Trying to Keep An Even Balance – Secrets Can Be Destructive

I married then had children with a wonderful woman who to this day I still enjoy a deeply loving relationship with and would in no way want or consider to change.

One of the most difficult things in my life was coming out to her about my BDSM needs, and then trying to help her understand that it is just a part of me that in no way invalidates my love for her. Now, nearly two decades later she is accepting and even sends me off for a BDSM session when it is clear I need one again.

Keeping that even balance can be difficult. In busy times, times of stress I handle all that very well on a day to day basis. But it is wearing. After a time, weeks or even a few months and more I find my thoughts are turning toward that inner place that calls me. When I try to repress it, it builds an inner tension that destabilized me.

It does sound a little like a split personality as I re-read that. And it is. There is the logical every day “vanilla” me and then the kinky-me needing release.

There is no doubt it is an inner place, something that is a part of me. It is not habit that brings it, it is not the trauma of life itself or something forced on me.

It is everything. It is my self-consciousness understanding that I need it to make me whole again. Like eating when I’m hungry. Like showering when I feel dirty or greasy.

Going Forward

In the years I have left on this earth I somehow doubt I will change much in my needs. Speaking with mistresses the message is the same, age is not a great factor in needs for BDSM.

I know my health and in particular my mental health are dependent on my acceptance of my needs and occasionally having them met.

However the intensity I enjoy may change as that may be natural. We all change. Also I find myself drawn to one part of my need more than others, but that would seem to also be the nature of the whole spectrum of BDSM and life in general.

BDSM can change as required, it is broad and deep in what is available.

Are You Struggling?

I did for years and wouldn’t wish that on anyone. My issues were upbringing related and long lasting, decades.

My solution and one which I hope helps others was to seek professional counseling. That helped immensely by letting me come to terms with my needs and de-stigmatize them.

Above all else, it helped to de-stimatize the whole BDSM thing.


BDSM and Stability

BDSM and Stability Comes At A Cost

This is a blog post for those feeling conflicted with their inner BDSM self and the way they move through life and society in general.

A year or more ago I saw an article on the internet that said people into BDSM overall enjoyed better mental health than for “vanilla” people.

I didn’t give it that much attention at the time but on reflection I have one issue with it.

For that study to have achieved the stated result, people must have admitted to their needs – and hence have the stability and strength to admit to their BDSM leanings. That by its nature would imply a level of mental health all of itself (and something that took me decades to achieve, maybe only partially).

That kind of stability and mental health comes at a cost and with a great deal of effort.

Mental Health

I’ve often thought I present one face to the world in my vanilla life, then another when the inner BDSM gets to come out to play.

This inner duality comes at a cost, the cost of stability and then stress.

We are all Multi-Polar

I think we are – we have multiple personalities all stacked up inside us that come out to take a role as the situation demands.

At work we can be one type of person, then at home another as we interact with loved ones, and then another person in other situations. The most alpha-trait person at work will be very different in a hospital gown awaiting treatment, then different again at home or on holiday. The situation changes the person.

So it is for me. My normal-vanilla self takes the major role for most of my day at work. I supervise staff, answer phone calls and am somewhat dominant in the work place to make it all run well for the company.

Then I get home after fighting through traffic to play with the dog and be the loving partner and carer for our children. At home I share few similarities with the persona at work, that would not be a great combination.

Then all change.

When I get into a BDSM session something vastly different surfaces. All my normal vanilla-self persona traits disappear and I take on a different role, a vastly different persona. My staff at work would be shocked to see.

Life Is Like a Theatre

It is. We live and act out our various roles throughout our lives. We change from being a child, then grow to adolescence and adult with various phases in between – we truly do change.

The many faces

We can be happy on the outside yet crying inside; how many times have you done this? When someone asks you how you are, you smile and say ‘great thanks’ yet inside you feel like you are melting, or hurting, or just wishing the world would open up and take you. Or you wish you were in a BDSM session.

Finding Mental Health

This is where it gets hard. It is something to work for as it just isn’t given away for free. At least not for me.

I can only realistically talk about what my path has been and how I have become more at ease with my inner needs.

But how does this relate to you? We’re all different. Do you actually need advice or are you happy the way you are?

All I can do is present some options from my own experiences.

My subconscious is my compass needle. It is. I know with some kind of deep almost tremble that I need to do something with BDSM and that its absence is becoming meaningful.

Recognizing that tremble, that silent quiver, has become easier over the years. I know the signs and I know the cost of not doing something about it can become significant.

Define the source of conflict – you can’t deal with an issue unless you know what it is. For me it was denial of my inner needs and my baked-in upbringing saying those needs were perverted and worse.

That upbringing and my perceptions caused stress.

My number 1 tip – is see a trained psychologist and talk through your stresses. This will if you are anything like me, put a totally different perspective on everything.

That was so helpful to me that it probably saved my life. At a time when I thought my life was imploding and my inner self was conflicted and battling with my secret needs, this saved me at multiple levels.

Seek Self Love – this sounds corny but it is true. It comes as a result of fundamentally knowing that your secret BDSM needs do not make you a bad person.

You will still be the same old person but in slaking that inner need, you will be more at peace and maye even a better person.

Removing that inner tension and gaining stability allows and then gives clarity. It is much easier to see the beautiful things in life and around you.  And being corny again, being at peace and ease makes it easier to give love.

Reject denial – it is toxic as denial just lets a problem linger, fester, rot inside you. None of those things help.

One tip from my own experience – I get ‘acid tummy’ when I deny my needs. That is a sure sign for me.

Where possible, involve a significant other – and for me that was a HUGE hurdle.

I do not recommend it wholeheartedly for everyone as quite frankly it can be challenging for a partner to accept. I feel it could easily be a relationship breaker.

The thing is, if you don’t, are you living a lie? Are you being honest with them? That in itself creates stress particularly if you love the other person.

For me, I decided that I must either break the relationship or come out to my needs and grow from there. Living as I had been was not an  option and not being true to either of us.

My partner then found I was just the same loving person as before and maybe even more so as I was and still am so grateful for the acceptance. Maybe it also explained me a little better. Understanding is never a bad thing to have.

Coming out to a group of friends or work colleagues is a different thing. I’ve not done that and can’t advise. I can see the advantages – and the disadvantages.

Sex and BDSM needs to be understood in the context of the relationship if you are coming out to BDSM.

For me that was easy. I don’t mix the two so it was far easier for my partner to accept that. My partner didn’t want to be involved in my BDSM at all so that again meant I kept having pro-domme sessions elsewhere and the no-sex rule for me works well.

For you? Was this any benefit? I hope so. All I can do is write as if I were giving my three+ decade-ago self some  options and advice.

Do you have a story you would like to share? I am always happy to hear from readers.


Mental Health and BDSM

Mental Health - BDSM - Coping Strateges

All my life, this has been a serious issue for me. The tag line for this website “silent quivers, secret passions” should give a hint to this.

Mental Health

I have been struggling with my mental health in 2021 – and now that the end of the year is near I decided to do a series of post on this topic.

Yes, for me, depression is never far away. Sometimes I think I’m a high-functioning-depressive in that I try my best to ignore it, to wish it away, but in the end I know it is a losing battle.

I know when my mental health is declining, I start projects then stop them just short of finishing. I then end up with myriad really annoying things ‘that just need a little time’ to finish. But my mental state prevents me, and that annoys me and pushes my mental state downward in a spiral.

For that reason I’ll also give my coping strategies and of course, BDSM is at the heart of it all.

Being At Home In The Dungeon

Have you Ever Been in a BDSM Dungeon?

When you walk into a BDSM dungeon, there is no doubt where you are and what this space is meant for.

BDSM Dungeon

You look at the bench with its straps designed to hold the victiom down. Then you see all the gear on the walls; the collars, the gags, hoods, whips, straps and canes waiting to be used. Then you look at and wonder about all the other more exotic things that are waiting for you.

You will be the victim. How do you feel?

My First Time

Many years ago, the first time I walked into a BDSM dungeon I felt like I’d come home and all my stresses, cares and worries had evaporated.

It was most peculiar as it seemed to go against any kind of logic. There I was a total newbie in a room with whips, canes, chains, a St Andrews Cross and of course a dominatrix wanting to know what my kink was and how I found her contact details. I was in my first ever BDSM dungeon and I was there for corporal punishment and bondage.

Yes it felt strange to me, and yes I felt like I had come home to where I really wanted to be,

As the years passed I have been to 10 different BDSM dungeons and the same feelings happen every time. Each time I feel a weight lifted when I walk into the dungeon. I know I will be given heavy corporal punishment and I relish my time in the dungeon. I still feel like I have come home and I belong there.

My Needs Exceed Logical Thought

Logic for me says I should not be there. Why on earth would I want to submit myself to the kind of experience that the BDSM dungeon promises? Why would I want to be strapped, tawsed, belted and caned till I bleed?

Logic says that makes no sense.

People call this masochism, the desire to be hurt yet I don’t feel that fits at all well. The experience changes me, moves me into a different space and fundamentally affects me at some deep level. Maybe then that is a better definition of masochism?

The answer is simple. Deep inside me there is a need for this. It festers and grows till I give in then find myself in the dungeon once more. Then I feel better.

The Simple Answer Is Too Simple

Again. The super simple answer is that I’m a masochist and get off on the pain. I am welcoming the coming pain.

I really struggle to accept that as the answer. However if it makes you happy, done, that’s the answer.

For me the BDSM dungeon and bondage and corporal experience is all about fetish, slaking an inner need (that masochsm I guess) and the need to submit and experience something so profoundly cathartic.

The Real Answer

The real answer as to why I have that coming home feeling is, after a lot of thought and false leads is equally simple.

When I go into the dungeon, I am accepting my needs and doing something positive about it.

The fact of the corporal punishment and the bondage make absolutely no difference, and the lack of logic in it is a total false feeling. It is my logical self querying my inner need and not properly accepting my need.

I think now, looking back, that my first ever BDSM session in a dungeon was a life changing event. It was a time when I understood that the inner need could be slaked, and that it was something I could do and feel relief from. I still do.

I still relish that time in the dungeon.

I still feel like I’ve come home.

Tears Before Christmas

Tears Before Christmas


It was a low point in my life when depression struck so hard that I thought there was no escape.

How could I possibly escape something as soul destroying as the deep dark feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, sadness, anxiety – all mixed into one?

I vividly remember feeling like I was being sucked into a dark tunnel, my body gripped by a force like gravity.

If this is what you are experiencing, then the most important thing to know is that help is available. The most important thing to do is to do something about it. Letting it lay festering, trying to ignore it will not work.

So many other people have got through it, you can too.

Depression Is a Bastard Of a Thing

Depression sits inside like a cancer. Winston Churchill referred to his depression as a ‘Black dog’ and that is apt as well.

The worst thing about it is that it warps your perceptions, changes the way you think.

You think it is inescapable, but that’s wrong. It can be beaten.

Why Is It Worse At Christmas?

For me it was because other people were happy, so why wasn’t I? How could this be a happy time when I felt so bad?

How could I feel so bad at Christmas, a happy time?

That made me feel guilty. I wasn’t fun to be around, I was visibly suffering. Guilt is the best friend of depression, it feeds it and strengthens it.

The guilt and the sadness made the depression feel worse and so it all fed into a vicious cycle.

Break the cycle. That is what I did.

Get Help Now - It is all around you

There are plenty of places you can get help from. They range from free counseling through to specialist staffed private-stay facilities designed to get you through it.

A really good place to start is your doctor. It was for me.

Whichever way is for you, do something.

Just Google “depression help” and you ill be shown many options in your country.

There are different levels and types of depression.

Mine starts with feelings of anxiety that morph over time into full on black-dog depression. The only good thing about this is that I now know when I am about to suffer a bout of depression. I get in early, I see my doctor, I go to some talk therapy and if necessary, go back onto my meds.

I found it takes courage to admit to depression. That was my essential first step to getting out of it, to getting cured or at least getting respite for a time.

Trust me – you can get past depression.

Finding Happiness


One day you will be able to relax, kick back and enjoy life again.

The Things That Work For Me

My doctor was fantastic. I tried 3 different meds  then found one that suited me. He made me persevere. He got me to see a psych.

Persevere. At a time when I felt so low, this was difficult. Yet it is absolutely vital. I tried and tried with the meds. Eventually I found one that suited me. My doctor was central to this. He was right.

Recognize That Something Had To Change. To become depressed, to feel so low, for me it was they way I was living but also my inner thoughts based on my upbringing. This, these thoughts, they had to change. I had to change.

Counseling with a good psych probably saved my life. I got life changing advice. Some simple sentences from someone with experience changed my perspective. What had been problems I realized were nothing more than my misconceptions and upbringing.

Self soothe. This is actually a great concept, except it just didn’t work for me in this format. Being easy on myself, giving myself ‘slack’, letting myself have time off – are all great concepts. It is just not solid enough when I’m feeling so low. I put it here to highlight the problem. The words are just too imprecise, woolly. In depression I need something simple and yet strong, concrete and obvious. My next point is self-soothing – but defined differently.

Do Things For ME to make ME happy. This was not natural for me. I was/am a ‘giver’ – I do things for others quite a lot. Stopping that, looking inward to find what makes ME happy then doing it took some effort. It still does but you know, it is a nice feeling sometimes to self-indulge and make myself happy.

There is a golden rule here.  My happiness is in my hands. No one else can do it. It is up to me. I must take responsibility for my happiness.

Undertake small jobs giving a quick reward. This is so important for me. Tidying the house is a HUGE gob and takes days so I can never do it. But tidying one room, washing the walls, getting marks out of the floor boards, polishing the brass takes a few hours and makes me feel good. I get a quick result.

There is nothing like a quick result to make me feel better, to feel great. Saying “I did that” has a nice ring to it.

Same for outside; pruning some shrubs, sweeping the front path, doing some weeding and then plant a few seedlings only takes an hour or two. The next day there is a lot of pleasure looking at those seedlings and watering them.

This is a hard lesson. Depression make everything feel harder to do. I want to sit and do nothing. It me think jobs take 3 times as long as they do so it saps my will to get anything done. Just cutting back some unruly shrubs and telling myself ‘I can do this‘ really does help.

Smile even if I don’t feel like it. This is really hard to do, and probably only works when coming out of depression. The thing is, when I smile I find after a while I actually am happier. I trick myself into feeling better. What was once a mask becomes reality.