What Is BDSM
BDSM is an acronym taken from the first letters of Bondage Discipline Sadism Masochism. That is what it stands for.
What it really is, is not so easily defined. I looked it up with google and found “BDSM can be broken into three subcategories: Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, and Sadism/Masochism” but I believe that is narrow minded. It misses out on play that has been put under this umbrella for want of a better place. It also totally misses any kind of description of how it works.
Remember that BDSM is a human activity. It also has a significant stigma attached to it through misunderstanding and lack of knowledge.
You are well advised to do a Google search – but DO read many articles. Not just one. Many seem to miss aspects. What is provided below will of course miss other aspects and it will assume some simple basic knowledge. Also, I speak from experience, whereas many articles seem to treat it in an offhand manner. They are almost clinical or detached. For me it is more than that, it is a state of existence.
There are many misconceptions
The first misconception is that it is all about whips and chains. Sure, this is a sub-category of BDSM play and only one small part of it. There are so many other types; such a tying up a partner for a sexual escapade that for the consensual and those so inclined can be a beautiful experience. My own play is different.
Another common misconception is that BDSM is a mental illness and or perverted. I don’t believe this is the case, same as it is for the LGBTIQ type community. They live as they are as they have little choice in the matter. They have achieved a glorious and hard earned respect and place in society. Considering them to be perverted or mentally ill is now no longer the case or acceptable.
Acceptance of BDSM is not quite so advanced, but it is getting there. It has now been re-defined as not a mental health disorder or issue and in fact is seen as just one more aspect of being human.
I am firmly of the belief that denial of an inner need for BDSM is harmful to an individual. The bottling up, the absence of connection with something so fundamental to a persons true makeup does not lead to a healthy mental state. This has been the case for myself and I am sure for others.
The insightful words from a psychologist, ‘What does denial bring‘ rang in my ears and made me understand that for me, denial was not a good thing. My misconceptions were unhealthy.
I Struggle With The Whole BDSM Thing!
Far enough. I’ve heard that said. My own wife is totally dumbfounded that I can accept heavy corporal and go back for more of it. Friends have said they completely reject the idea of pain being something that is acceptable in any form of play. The thought of paying someone to beat someone else is foreign to them.
Those comments miss two essential parts of BDSM play. Firstly they have lumped ALL BDSM into the subset of whips and chains and pain. It is not. BDSM includes other activities such as erotic bondage, dom/sub play where one partner gives the other the right to run their lives or similar. There are many more examples of BDSM that do not fit into the classical stereotype of the whips and chains thing.
The second thing is that they’ve ignored the vast and variable nature of human nature. For me a corporal session is something I look forward to. Show me a mistress with a fine collections of belts and straps and I’ll give her a bum to thrash. Offer me a sky diving or a mountain climbing or a Morris dancing opportunity and I will respectfully and forcefully decline. They would scare me rigid in a bad way. What floats my boat is not for many, and many other forms of BDSM play really are not for me. That’s life. Accept the variety of it.
How does BDSM Work?
Essentially, consenting people do things that fall within the BDSM type activities definition. This may be in play parties, in private houses between couples, or in professional establishments (like how I play).
In all cases it is done because there is a benefit, happiness, release, fulfillment. The golden rule is that it is consensual, and along with this is the premise that it is wanted. It makes someone feel good, or feel better, or happy, or fills a place in that person’s psyche that only BDSM can fill.
How well does it work? For me, it works brilliantly! It is a little stupid to point this out as quite simply if it didn’t work, I wouldn’t do it. That logic is inescapable.
What is also inescapable is my need for it. I find that without BDSM in my life I am less. I struggle to focus, I feel my sense of emotional balance is damaged, my ability to deal with the real world is compromised. I find myself short of temper and skittish. I struggle to deal with people as I know I should and I know that those around me feel the tension within me. Maybe tension is the perfect word. I know I am prone to depression and panic attacks, and these become more noticeable over time. All those feelings ramp up over time. Then after a session I feel peaceful, relieved, settled and fulfilled. I am a new me. That is how it works for me.
Mine is probably atypical of BDSM play. Heavy corporal is not that common but also not unheard of. Many other types of play are done to live out a fantasy. The schoolboy fantasy, to be sent to the headmistress for a caning is one example. Medical fantasies are not uncommon either, often involving needles or catheters and even cutting. Another common one is the kidnapped wife, left bound and gagged on the bed then the burglar comes in and takes advantage bringing her to orgasm time and again until he takes his fill.
One mistress I saw for a while said she saw university students who needed a caning before a big exam. They said it cleared their minds and helped them concentrate. I can say that during a caning, that sure does focus the mind and afterward there is a relief and freedom from cares.
Is There A Lot Of Play Acting?
It depends on the type of play of course. In my experience, yes there is and that is all to the good. The role play is designed to suit what is happening and it is designed to suit the players. It is why they are there. It is what they want.
So, if you want play acting, then go for it! If it works for you and you can find a niche that suits, more power to you. Seriously, we only participate in BDSM because we want to. If it works, do it.
An example is my sessions. I ask certain things of the mistress then she takes on that role and plays it out. She endeavors to make my fantasy real. Once in the session, the mistress will try to live out the script. If this calls for a cold hearted bitch, then she will strive for that. If she is to be a dominatrix disciplining a naughty slave; if she is to be a teacher controlling a naughty pupil – then these are scenarios that a good mistress will cater for.
If have seen BDSM sessions described as “Private Theater” by one well known mistress who wrote a book about her life. I think she was quite right.
Dominance and Submission Is Not About Abuse
In a D/S (dominance/submission) relationship the submissive grants power to the dominant. This is a power exchange. That is only the start of the equation. It is not quite that simple.
Saying it is all about power exchange explains nothing.
The submissive will always retain some element of control. It will probably be when the session begins, when it ends, and what is done in the session. There will be a means for the submissive to say ‘this isn’t working for me’ and often that is a safe word or a safe action such as dropping something. So in this context, it is not about abuse unless the dominant disregards or disrespects the submissive.
In a pro-dom session like I have with bondage and heavy corporal there is a strong level of control by the submissive. This is done in the pre session consultation where what is to happen in the session is spelled out. I hate chains and humiliation, CBT, face slapping and so many other BDSM aspects. However my huge collection of belts, straps, tawse are a clear indication as to where my interests lie and the mistress uses that. This is the control I exert. I give the mistress the power over me to use those implements within that context of our negotiation.
So, no, BDSM is not all about abuse. Humiliation even has its place in a BDSM Session. If this is asked for then the mistress will try hard to suit the needs of a client.
I’m Scared Of The Whips!
Excellent! You know what you don’t want. BDSM is all about consensual play. If something is not for you then don’t do it. Don’t go there.
If you are subjected to something you don’t like, you have the absolute right to terminate that kind of play. Anything less than this is abuse and is absolutely wrong. No self respecting professional mistress or master will condone such activity. Safety, consensual play, respect of limits and needs must be honored.
ALSO, don’t limit your thinking to just whips and whatever first comes into your mind. Do your research. Use Google to find what you want. In our lives we are brought up to think and act in certain ways. BDSM defies many of the norms. There are many options within the genre that may appeal.
After all, if you have read this far, then somewhere inside you there is a BDSM activity waiting to happen.
GOLDEN RULE repeat – it is all about consensual play.
I remember in my first ever session the mistress introduced me to things I’d not thought of. They were ‘on topic’ and she chose well. Choosing a knowledgeable professional is essential and this is a benefit. Also remember, I had a means to terminate an activity if it wasn’t working for me.