My BDSM Journey - About Me
Am I Like You?
Coming to terms, acceptance, and the possibility of a BDSM coming out consumed decades of my life.
In my early teens I got gratification from self bondage. This stayed with me for decades and indeed has never left me. Initially I was confused at my feelings, ignorant at their source and scared at their strength. In an age before the internet and totally absent any kind of information about BDSM, I struggled with relationships, self esteem and self image.
As the decades passed, marriage and raising a family distracted me but my secret passions never left. I was always pulled to BDSM, to bondage and to fetish. Why? Why me? Those were my questions.
Then in my late 40’s I had my first professional dominatrix session.
More soon… It’s not easy this self examination, putting into words those things that have been secret for so long.
Am I you? If so, email me, use ‘sq’ at my website address if you wish to correspond.
My Silent Silent Quivers – My Secret Passions
Please checkout my blog, skip through the posts and if something resonates with you, take what you can.
I’ve put in a knowledge base to help search for information and to provide a resource.
The whole searching for information, trying to gain insight, looking for knowledge thing can be awfully dreary. If you can unwind a little, look at my ‘Anecdotes’ in my blog, you might get a laugh from them, maybe some insight, perhaps wonder at the bumps in the roadway of life. All are real life, drawn from personal experience over nearly 50 years. The anecdotes ‘just are’ so don’t expect any great revelations or life changing wisdom.
If you have that Silent Quiver, that Secret Passion from something in your life, then at least you have the ability to actually feel and have a passion. So many people miss out, their lives do not have the surge and the passion that yours does.
Remember, truth and enlightenment are variable, the cannot spring from just one source to suit everyone. You must sample from a wide river of data before your thirst is slaked.
Where To Now?
I can only live my life as me. I cannot be something I am not, so avoiding or denying my inner BDSM needs just is not going to work. I tried that, it ended badly. I shall continue to have my BDSM sessions for as long as I am able and they continue to work for me.
In all things, peace, acceptance and a sense of perspective are required for a happy life. BDSM more than most things requires understanding, respect and knowledge.
I hope this website provides a measure of that information and resources I would have wished for in my own life.
If you wish to understand me, then please read on.
I had a good childhood.
I am a warm loving human being. A person. I have feelings. I truly wish that everyone had my upbringing as perhaps there would be less unhappiness in the world. I was given the greatest gift of all, a loving family.
My family that was neither rich nor poor. Our life was good and free from many of the trauma that so often burden people for the remainder of their lives. We could have done with more money, a better house, more and better things but in reality, we were happy.
Looking back, we didn’t know we would want these things. It never occurred to us. There was a pleasure in a simple life that today I think we miss out on. Today we struggle and strive, yet in those long gone days growing up, life felt far easier.
In my early years and in my schooling I was neither gifted nor poor at school. I didn’t have to work too hard to get through. Perhaps I gravitated toward the upper-middle of school achievement. My predilection was toward science, mathematics and reading. A great passion all through my life has been a love of reading as it fed my imagination.
It is probable my imagination and introspective nature have led to me questioning my BDSM needs and how I fit into normal vanilla society as a result. I envy those with the ability to accept things far quicker than me. For them to say with the dismissive wave of a hand, ‘it just is and is no one elses right to criticise or judge‘ would be a valuable gift I really had to work for.
I grew into a pretty much typical adult
I attended university. After that I took up various positions in management in a few industries. I have often had people working for me, and often had a boss I was responsible to. My income was never poor, and nor was it ever great. I was at middle management more often than not.
Working with people has always been a pleasure. I like people, generally.
I find I gravitate toward the more thoughtful people and I find the company of women to often be more agreeable. The loud aggressive male or female is a beast I rarely enjoy the company of and I find to be a vexation to my spirit.
I have always believed that ‘Rudeness Must Be Earned’ and even then, ‘Rudeness Is Best Avoided’ has served me well. Another saying that I live my life by is ‘Never Willingly Make An Enemy’ as you never know when you need a friend.
I met a lovely women and we raised a family. Again we fit pretty much into the invisible middle-domain of human life. We were neither wealthy nor poor. Our children wanted for little and they have grown to be responsible, happy, healthy adults with good jobs and lovely partners. I place much of this on the shoulders of my wife as her influence has been the stronger of the two of us.
If I had any single thing I would be grateful before all else to have, it is this. My wife, my children, our family has been a blessing.
But Life Has Had Its Hurdles
Thus far you would believe I have led a charmed life. You would unfortunately be quite wrong. There is one little thing that has made life difficult, difficult for me to accept within myself.
At about age fourteen I discovered I liked to be tied up and in particular, the use of leather straps and belts had unique attraction. It still does.
What made me tie myself up? I have no idea. There was nothing I read, nothing I saw, no magazine or television or schoolyard whispered discussion that made me do it. I did it instinctively. This type of activity was never mentioned. I was not taught, coerced, or pushed by trauma into this. It was probably 10 years later in my late 20’s that I first heard the term bondage.
The only things I did know was that I enjoyed it and in fact I had my first orgasm while tied up. I remember this now, many decades later, as a frightening experience. I felt ashamed as I thought I’d wet myself but the pleasure it brought was confusing. It was also addictive.
As the years passed I would indulge in this illicit pass-time when I could. I found this need had an attraction just like gravity; it was always there, always pulling me, always asserting a force on me.
All through the remainder of my teens, at university and in my single years I would indulge regularly and it brought the inevitable release and not just at the simple physical level. The emotional release was significant. It was an experience that engrossed, pushed those secet hidden buttons leaving me feeling more at peace with myself and happier. I was later to find that I had stumbled upon a means to enter a state of mind often called sub-space.
This became a reason for me to stay single and to not have the requisite girlfriend-boyfriend experiences that many of my peers had. In effect I had a hidden pass-time that made relationships difficult. But not impossible. Those I did have were short and burned brightly in their intensity, then they faded out quickly to be replaced by my hidden secret passion. It had a life of its own, becoming a third person in my relationships.
Then I met my wife.
Maried Life and the Silent Quiver
There is so much to say and so much that can’t be said. A brief outline would be best. However, without doubt meeting my wife and marrying her were some of the best times of my life.
Our love conquered all, then children arrived into a happy loving family and so the years passed all too quickly. Looking back, it is plain and clear that time was good to us, and also that we didn’t value those years highly enough.
But nothing lasts forever. Tiredness, striving to make an income and the stresses of life took their toll. On me, and again looking back, my internalization and denial of my deep held BDSM secrets could not be suppressed forever. This led to some strained times and was the impetus for counseling and my eventual first BDSM session. This challenged many of my beliefs and self-images to the core, but it was necessary.
As I said in a blog post, that walk from the pavement to the front door took thirty plus years to make, the longest seven yard walk of a lifetime.
Eventually and now, after a time of discovery and of rebuilding our life the family has for the last decade been rebuilt. I can put this down to hard work, honest discussion, and being open with my wife about my needs. To her infinite credit she has accepted them and accepted that I come with this and that it doesn’t make me any less of a person, as a husband or father.
There are caveats to this of course. BDSM can easily be a deal-breaker to any marriage. What matters however is commitment, honesty and working through issues that must be raised and dealt with.
In a relationship, to make it work, I have proven that denial does not help, just the opposite.
My life going forward, our life going forward, has reached a stability I thought I’d never have. Sure, I see a counselor regularly, but I also have my BDSM sessions, and my life feels more at peace and in balance.
Release From Depression
Pain in BDSM sessions is easily criticized and often seemingly impossible for those not in the BDSM world to understand. Why would anyone want it? But believe me, depression can bring a pain, soul destroying ache that is infinitely worse.
For me, suicidal thoughts were triggered by my depression and only three things helped.
Medication had an effect that dulled the deep ache but it was not sufficient to see me out of my depression. Medication treated the symptoms and gave some relief. I was able to think with a better measure of clarity and to see a way forward. But it was not the cure, not by any means.
Counseling was profound for me. Counseling helped me find and understand root causes but it came at aheavy cost. Honesty and full disclosure. For once I had to expose my inner secrets to someone which was traumatic, a leap of faith. Against my beliefs I found acceptance for them and for me. For the first time I felt relief and the beginning of my own acceptance and understanding.
Addressing the issue. Accepting I need BDSM sessions was the third leg of my release from depression. Sure, my first session brought many questions, many issues I needed to deal with, but it was a doorway I had to pass through to find the new me that had to be created.
Put simply, my life up to that stage had led me to depression. Something had to change, something had to improve. For me it was essential I come to terms with everything.
Overall, I believe depression happens for many reasons. Mine was a case in point. I had family and relationship issues. I had significant internal issues and I felt like part of my soul had been reaching out for so long but I had denied it. Most of all my self image was at fault and needed repair.
If I may offer advice – if you feel depression;
- You can get through it. Others have. Help is available.
- Only honesty works.
- Do seek professional help. I did. It took a few tries, but it worked.
- Do not expect one thing to provide a release from depression. Depression comes from life, life is not simple, there will be more than one cause, more than one issue.
- Finding root-causes can and probably will be traumatic but you will come out the other side a new person.
- NEVER give up. Never give in. Life really can be good.