A Life Lived with BDSM

Looking Back On Life

It is after five decades of an intimate relationship with BDSM that I find myself thinking, wondering, reminiscing about my life.

I hugely envy the younger generation with their access to information and resources that were not available 50 years ago.

Life is meant to be happy. Embrace.

We only get one chance at life. We might as well make the most of it.

If I could give my younger self life-advice, it would be to embrace that which I held in denial. It would be to have courage and have confidence in my self. The stresses, the life choices I made and my ultimate happiness would have been vastly different.

BDSM Need Not Be a Problem

I wish I had said that to myself decades ago. I wish I had explored options, talked to people, went to play parties and experienced.

Instead I found excuses not to embrace my inner self. I threw myself into work, hobbies, things peripheral so I lived in denial.

Most of all I wish I had accepted that inner thing in me.

Regret Is Worse Than Guilt

Guilt is a transitory thing. It comes and goes, ebbs and wanes. Over time it weakens and declies.

Regret is there forever. Sometimes we don’t feel regret till much later when we realize the mistakes we made. Then it lingers.

Regret nudges the psyche and makes me ask ‘why didn’t I‘ and similar with variations.

The regrets I have mostly focus on my not accepting and then embracing my inner needs. I would have been a happier person and a better husband and father.

Courage Is At The Heart Of It All

I regret I didn’t have the courage, oh so many years ago, to actually embrace this inner BDSM need of mine.

Deep inside I felt such guilt, such confusion and worry that for all those decades I lived in denial. Denial meant needs festered, and to fester is to rot.

The inner stresses can only be contained for so long. They sap the psyche, drain the pleasure out of life.

Living The Best Life Possible

Embrace Your True Self

Denial has been the bane of my life. Denial feeds other negative thoughts that prevent a person from truly being the person they should be. Denial is a barrier. As a coping technique it works initially, but over time it hides issues ultimately making them worse.

The way past denial is to acknowledge that which we truly are and to know, to truly know with honesty who we really are.

Accept

This is step one. For me it was the hardest.

Look at yourself in the mirror and say ‘I am a warm living and loving human being with needs and emotions that me make who I am.’

Write that down. I just now did. You read it.

I can say to myself, ‘I have a need for BDSM and that makes me no less than anyone else. It does not take away from me. It does not hurt anyone else, it does not break any relationships or damage anyone.’

REPEAT OFTEN : I accept that BDSM is part of me.

Self Love

If we can’t love ourselves, how can anyone else?

I must never forget; I am a warm, living, loving human being. I am a son to loving parents, a caring and devoted husband and father to children I am excessively proud of. My life has been charmed, many would say, but I have had my disappointments, my failures and my sad times.

But most of all, I have worked for what I have, I have strived to make the most of life.

Sometimes when problems arise it is easy to say ‘woe is me’ and forget that which we should be rightfully proud of. We forget all our gifts and the pleasures of those around us.

Most of all we forget to self love. I know I do.

I forget to acknowledge that I owe myself pleasure, I owe myself love and to celebrate that life is meant for living.

Take time for yourself. Give yourself a reward for being you.

Most Of All - Be At Peace With Yourself

To live a life of happiness in the heart, surrounded by loving family and friends, while enjoying life’s bounty should be the goal for us all.

What keeps us back? Is it that little voice that says we can’t for some invented reason? Is it fear of the consequences of admitting who we are and the needs we have?

From personal experience I know this was the case for me. Living in denial was the first step in disconnecting from life. I also know those fears were unfounded and irrational.

It may seem corny, but I find this a worthy life goal.

Desiderata.

GO PLACIDLY amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.