Coping With That Inner Secret
I Walk A Thin Line
Music has always reached me and some lyrics more than others.
Below, I always felt this song with the words ‘I Walk A Thin Line’ was so totally me. The lyrcs talk about someone feeling that no one else knows them, no one is listening, and they feel so alone that they are hanging by a thread.
But sometimes it’s hard to tell
I said, “Take your time”
But no one was listenin’
I walk a thin line
Still some say they knew me well
I said “Stay by my side”
But no one said nothin’
I walk a thin line
(Fleetwood Mac – Walk A Thin Line)
I could never admit to myself what my inner secrets really were and how I needed to come to terms with them.
I could never get help.
I could never admit my secret needs to anyone, even to myself. Guilt and fear mixed and festered.
Never. Ever. Not once.
What Line?
I think for me, the line was ‘sanity’ – I felt pulled toward that dark abyss. I felt challenged that I had this need for BDSM and then in denial, I just let it fester.
Coping In The Real World
There is a way forward. I found it. It may not be the same for you, but it is always there.
For me it was professional counselling. This gave me acceptance and perspecitive from other people showing me that my inner turmoil was not based in fact. My fears were illusory and should not be what they were.
For you? There are other options as well. The internet provides so many resources that did not exist in my earlier years. I wish I had such resources all those years ago.
Remember. To do nothing is to allow a problem to fester. The soul will be the ultimate victim. If you feel that your inner need is getting the better of you, then be assured, it need not be so.
Regret is terrible. Do you want to go through life unrequited? One day you will say, ‘Why didn’t I…’ and then regret will be your constant companion. Or, like me, you can get the courage to admit your need, do something about it then later find yourself wondering why you didn’t do this before.
Present Your Face, Affirm It To The World
A recurring theme. Say out loud; ‘I am a warm loving caring human being. My special needs do not make me a bad person or make me any less than I am.’
For me, these last fifteen years or so since I have embraced my inner self, I smile when I walk down the street. I make the conscious effort to actually smile. I have accepted that I have special inner needs and these do not make me any less.
This is a powerful exercise. In presenting the face, even if I don’t mean it, soon I transition into making that face the real me. I become that face – I take on the emotions of that face.
Help Is Available
A long term regret is that I didn’t seek help for my denial of my inner self. I did just about everything possible to cover up and avoid seeking any kind of resolution within my self.
I struggled with feelings of low self worth, of my place in life and how I (didn’t) fit in.
Eventually, in combination with other stresses, my life reached a point where I sought help, and it was the best thing I ever did.
There are other options to the psychologist route I took, now more available than ever before. Information on the internet is all around for you to take from. There are websites devoted to meeting like minded souls and chat and forums available to discuss and progress understanding and acceptance.
Most of All, be at peace with yourself. Understand you have a life to live. Know you have self worth and reward yourself.
Psych sessions are a leap of faith – and can feel surreal.